Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can you ever really come back from having huge fights with in laws ?

143 replies

nubbie · 03/11/2021 11:36

To cut a long story short, I think there's a big personality clash between my in laws and I.

I don't think they're bad people. I don't think they generally mean harm. But it's just a bad fit.

We've had various big fights over the years.

I think eventually both sides will just give up and we will stop seeing each other socially. I would never stop them from seeing the grand children. But I just wouldn't spend time socially with them.

I think the narratives between us are so deeply engrained on each side, that there's always going to be friction.

It's always the same, they say something upsetting. I either let it go or I tell them please not to say or do whatever it is. They say I'm sensitive and shouldn't be upset and that they only ever mean good.

I understand it takes two sides to have a fight. But they never take any blame at all and basically attack my character. Saying I have a chip on my shoulder, a horrible mind and that I twist what they do.

They don't apologise for upsetting me. I end up apologising to them for making them aware of having upset me. Because I genuinely am sorry about it, because they just don't understand it. It's a character clash.

Anyway, it's just not healthy for anyone. Has anyone ever come back from a situation like this ?

And before everyone tells me that I'm the issue, I do think about this a lot and I analyse myself and I really really try to let as much stuff as possible go. But sometimes it just gets too much and I have to say something to stand up for myself.

As I said, it's not black and white. I understand sometimes I need to let things go/ not take things to heart and just brush stuff off. I try to do it as much as possible. But I acknowledge this to them as well and I apologise.

They don't seem to see any error in their ways and always put the blame on me having a strange personality and I just can't accept that's the only reason there's a problem.

It's a clash, which I'm happy to acknowledge, but they do not. They say it's me only.

Any advice ?

OP posts:
Original poster
nubbie · 03/11/2021 12:30

@TheWernethWife

But if he stands up for me they tell him he's a traitor to his family.

You and your DC are HIS family now OP, time he realised this and put you first.

Of course. Even the fact they called him that and told him he's forgotten who his actual family is, is very very unhealthy and shows how they see us. As an extension of their family.

I was really shocked.

OP posts:
LaetitiaASD · 03/11/2021 12:33

[quote nubbie]@blubberball he thinks it's totally unfair that the narrative is always me being the issue and that they can't see they genuinely upset me a lot.

I think it's pretty toxic for my health to be honest.

But if he stands up for me they tell him he's a traitor to his family. It's just a mess. And I feel for him because it really can't be easy.

It's not easy for in laws either. I also feel for them. But I just can't take it anymore and I think my life would be easier if I limited contact. Like I said, I want them in my children's lives. But do I really need to have dinners and christmases with them. I don't know, it's tough when there's such a clash. [/quote]
The most unreasonable part of your post is that you don't seem to have considered whether it might be better for your kids not to spend time with such people, especially if you're not there to look after them. Not saying you're wrong, just maybe something to consider.

If I were you I'd cut all contact.

Verfremdungseffekt · 03/11/2021 12:34

This all sounds like a storm in a teacup to me. I have a spectacularly tactless MIL, whose entire identity is bound up with being Matriarch of the Clan (she's the eldest of 13 children, and had a large family of her own, of which DH is the baby), and she disapproves of all my life choices and she's said some remarkably awful things to me down the years, and has never had the remotest idea of, or interest in, who I am. (I overheard someone asking her what I did for a living recently at a family wedding, and she didn't know! I've been with her son since 1993, and have had the same job title since 2000 Grin)

But to be honest, I can't take any of it particularly seriously. Her complete tactlessness, three core beliefs she imagines everyone shares, and lack of imagination are the flipside of the unthinking drive that let her raise her many children in poverty, and produce my lovely DH,. (Who is also frequently maddened by her, as he is by my very different and differently maddening mother!)

I've known her for a long time. She'll never change. I will never change into the kind of dutiful SAHM-of-many DIL which is the only type she understands.

DH and I challenge her on any obvious awfulnesses that might impact on our DS (9), but otherwise recognise that she's nearly 80 and while in good health, won't be around forever. And DH loves her, despite her regular awfulness, even if I don't.

Randomness12 · 03/11/2021 12:39

The example about the interaction while you were pregnant is awful. She didn’t mean that nicely or as a compliment at all. She sounds like an abusive bully with a total lack of self awareness. Really, it’s not you - it’s her. Distance yourself and your children!

Original poster
nubbie · 03/11/2021 12:40

@Randomness12

The example about the interaction while you were pregnant is awful. She didn’t mean that nicely or as a compliment at all. She sounds like an abusive bully with a total lack of self awareness. Really, it’s not you - it’s her. Distance yourself and your children!
She still ridicules me about it and brings up how ridiculous I was, every time we've had a fight since.
OP posts:
GinIronic · 03/11/2021 12:40

Keep away from them - and keep your DC away from them.

godmum56 · 03/11/2021 12:42

Don't fight, detatch. Stop inviting them, stop visiting.

Djifunrsn · 03/11/2021 12:44

Telling someone they have a chip on their shoulder is extremely rude. I bet you’ve never said that to anyone!

Randomness12 · 03/11/2021 12:48

And this is exactly why she is a bully… why would she continue to bring it up? And to ridicule you? Honestly, she is not worth your time. My MIL can be a pain in the arse but she isn’t a bully.

Original poster
nubbie · 03/11/2021 12:49

@Randomness12

And this is exactly why she is a bully… why would she continue to bring it up? And to ridicule you? Honestly, she is not worth your time. My MIL can be a pain in the arse but she isn’t a bully.
Eventhough I had ended up apologising to her for upsetting her because I got upset. It's absurd.

Sorry that you got upset because you upset me.

OP posts:
creativevoid · 03/11/2021 12:54

I don't actually believe that there are always two sides to every story. Some people are nasty, abusive bullies who take advantage of other people's reasonableness and willingness to accept blame. You are being way too passive and too accepting of the idea you have done something wrong and not critical enough of your MIL's behaviour. Do yourself a favour and give yourself one tenth of the grace you are extending to your MIL. You don't deserve to be treated like this. It's pretty straightforward.

Justilou1 · 03/11/2021 12:54

You need to look up “Gaslighting” and you need to look up “deflecting”. When people behave badly (and know it, but don’t want to admit it) they try and “deflect” negative attention towards the victim. That’s what’s happening.
Gaslighting is when you are made to look like or feel like you’re the crazy one for absolutely batshit behaviour or rules or situations you’re expected to put up with - like repeatedly being told you have a fat bum. Like having your family insulted. Like having your parenting insulted/disregarded.

They’re arseholes.

Justilou1 · 03/11/2021 12:55

Stop apologizing and tell her to fuck the fuck off.

DifferentHair · 03/11/2021 12:56

They sound like my in laws.

I recommend Susan forwards books.

It's not you, OP

AutumnInBustletown · 03/11/2021 12:57

They sound awful. I think you have some issues around boundaries and appropriate behaviour to be making excuses for their awful behaviour. I think you would benefit from some counseling to explore this.

DifferentHair · 03/11/2021 12:58

Actually yes, just lean into the conflict next time instead of apologising .

Fuck them

Original poster
nubbie · 03/11/2021 13:03

I totally get it everyone who's just posted. On a logical level I get it. I find it tough when it's a lot of people against me. MIL/FIL plus SIL all shouting at me telling me I'm the problem and always have been and they've done nothing wrong.

In the moment, I fight like a bull. Believe me. I defend myself so hard and beat them with every example of their behaviour. MIL and SIL then cry and call me a bully because I basically won the argument and they don't know what else to resort to apart from calling me names. It's just so toxic.

OP posts:
Original poster
nubbie · 03/11/2021 13:05

@AutumnInBustletown

They sound awful. I think you have some issues around boundaries and appropriate behaviour to be making excuses for their awful behaviour. I think you would benefit from some counseling to explore this.
I think so. And yes I should go back to it.

However In laws basically have issues with any kind of boundary. It literally went like this:

  1. I put up my first boundary
  2. They think I'm a bitch

End of.

OP posts:
creativevoid · 03/11/2021 13:08

Sometimes you have to accept that nasty people don't like people who stand up to them. I would not engage - there's no point arguing with them. Just "grey rock" them, step away, live your life. You will never convince them they are wrong. You need to let go of caring whether they like you.

Verfremdungseffekt · 03/11/2021 13:09

@nubbie

I totally get it everyone who's just posted. On a logical level I get it. I find it tough when it's a lot of people against me. MIL/FIL plus SIL all shouting at me telling me I'm the problem and always have been and they've done nothing wrong.

In the moment, I fight like a bull. Believe me. I defend myself so hard and beat them with every example of their behaviour. MIL and SIL then cry and call me a bully because I basically won the argument and they don't know what else to resort to apart from calling me names. It's just so toxic.

That just sounds exhausting, @nubbie. And it's clearly not getting your anywhere, either if its an ongoing situation. Why not de-escalate the whole thing? Who starts the 'shouting' and 'fighting like a bull'? Are you honestly saying you go over to your ILs for a cup of tea in the full knowledge that you're going to end up shouting at one another? What happens if you laugh and say 'Here we go again' and head off home?

Is the real issue that your DH isn't on the same page as you? What is he doing while you're 'fighting like a bull'?

StolenAwayOn55thand3rd · 03/11/2021 13:11

Your update at 13.03 Shock Please cut off all contact with these people.

Original poster
nubbie · 03/11/2021 13:11

@creativevoid

Sometimes you have to accept that nasty people don't like people who stand up to them. I would not engage - there's no point arguing with them. Just "grey rock" them, step away, live your life. You will never convince them they are wrong. You need to let go of caring whether they like you.
It's hard to accept that they don't. You've hit it on the head. All my life whenever someone didn't like me, I always felt that I failed. I have explored this in therapy and without getting too far into it, a lot of women feel like this. Because we are taught to be good little girls who make everyone happy. When we can't, it's hard for us.

I know this all on a logical level, but it's difficult not to take the blame for someone not liking me. Thanks for reminding me.

OP posts:
Original poster
nubbie · 03/11/2021 13:14

@Verfremdungseffekt this was an exceptional situation. And DH had my back. We've had these fights maybe 4 times in the last couple of years. Something sparks it off and then it goes on for ages.

And eventhough it feels like we've talked it all through, ie: analysed how difficult I am and how they're not, then it happens again and they throw the old stuff back in my face from the last time.

OP posts:
ShowMeHow · 03/11/2021 13:18

Sounds like they have a different ‘family style’ than you aspire to (understatement) assuming they speak to each other the way they speak to you. It not then it’s outright bullying IMO.

My Family of origin were also entirely offended when they were confronted with the impact of their unreasonable ‘jokes’/expectations/overstepping (on my DH) entirely believing they were untouchable… that if there was no (acknowleded) mal intent then they were entitled to do say as they wished without filter.

It went so very tits up I can’t explain without a book length post.

Totally feel for you and your DH (who is me in this scenario and probably at a loss what to do)

How old are your kids and what distance are you living from in-laws?
What does DH think, do and say about this stuff?

Babyiskickingmyribs · 03/11/2021 13:22

How does the blunt change of subject technique go down with them? So MIL says ´those trousers make your bum look ginormous!’ and you say ´is that a new rose I saw in your garden, MIL? I’m looking for one for my sister, perhaps you know a good garden centre for interesting rose varieties.?’ Don’t even justify her hurtful nonsense with a reaction. Or. Tell her that was a rude thing to say and then move seamlessly on to garden roses, new teacups, latest episode of coronation St etc. Don’t get drawn into ridiculous discussions about whether you’re over sensitive to her ridiculous rude comments or not.