Can you ever really come back from having huge fights with in laws ?

[nubbie]

To cut a long story short, I think there's a big personality clash between my in laws and I.

I don't think they're bad people. I don't think they generally mean harm. But it's just a bad fit.

We've had various big fights over the years.

I think eventually both sides will just give up and we will stop seeing each other socially. I would never stop them from seeing the grand children. But I just wouldn't spend time socially with them.

I think the narratives between us are so deeply engrained on each side, that there's always going to be friction.

It's always the same, they say something upsetting. I either let it go or I tell them please not to say or do whatever it is. They say I'm sensitive and shouldn't be upset and that they only ever mean good.

I understand it takes two sides to have a fight. But they never take any blame at all and basically attack my character. Saying I have a chip on my shoulder, a horrible mind and that I twist what they do.

They don't apologise for upsetting me. I end up apologising to them for making them aware of having upset me. Because I genuinely am sorry about it, because they just don't understand it. It's a character clash.

Anyway, it's just not healthy for anyone. Has anyone ever come back from a situation like this ?

And before everyone tells me that I'm the issue, I do think about this a lot and I analyse myself and I really really try to let as much stuff as possible go. But sometimes it just gets too much and I have to say something to stand up for myself.

As I said, it's not black and white. I understand sometimes I need to let things go/ not take things to heart and just brush stuff off. I try to do it as much as possible. But I acknowledge this to them as well and I apologise.

They don't seem to see any error in their ways and always put the blame on me having a strange personality and I just can't accept that's the only reason there's a problem.

It's a clash, which I'm happy to acknowledge, but they do not. They say it's me only.

Any advice ?

Your in-laws sound awful and I’d develop a very superficial relationship with them (and certainly not socialise with them).

I think it’s worth having very firm boundaries. I’d laugh if someone told me how to parent and maybe say “awww bless you” and leave it at that.

If they’re rude then laugh at them “omg what are you lot like, you crack me up with the things you say”. Just act like you think they are joking.

Keep as much distance as you can and emotional distance if you have to see them.

As Pallisers says, I'd be able to laugh off the 'big bum' comment, probably just say "well yes, I'm pregnant remember?".

But comments about my style of parenting? Nope, noppity nope. To that I would respond quite bluntly along the lines of not needing any parenting advice. If MIL carried on after that and was determined to get a response, the response she would get is 'fuck off.'

They sound absolutely awful. No matter what you say or do it will always be wrong, they've already decided that. I'd have nothing more to do with them and as a PP said I'd keep my kids away from them as they'll be trying to poison their minds against you, their mother. All the best

@Blackmagicqueen

I think it depends if its just too much hard work tp maintain a relationship that possible is bringing absolutely no positivity to tour life. Sometimes blood really isn't thicker than water and estrangement is kinder all around.

Yup.

I mean they are deliberately nasty to Op & their own son.

How soon before they start on the kids.

And if adults can't deal with it...

There's no shame in thinking sod it they're not worth it.

Having read your updates,
It's not you being over sensitive
It's not clashing personality types
It's not different family dynamics
They are deliberately trying to wind you up. Repeatedly telling someone their bum looks big is bad enough but not acknowledging that not everyone would appreciate this is mental.
There is literally nothing you could do to deal with behaviour like this other than just let them help you which obviously isn't viable. They won't admit they made a mistake they won't compromise and they won't acknowledge their part in the argument.
So I think you've got two options. Ignore them or insult back.
Mil: your bum looks so big!
You: yes it's got bigger but still not as big as yours eg, ha ha
Mil: that's so rude, how dare you
You: it was a joke, you are so over sensitive!

I would honestly consider whether you want your children to be around people like this. Even if they don't do it to them (unlikely) they just sound nasty, and it's not good for them if you are there to see their mum being insulted

@DrinkFeckArseBrick

Having read your updates, It's not you being over sensitive It's not clashing personality types It's not different family dynamics They are deliberately trying to wind you up. Repeatedly telling someone their bum looks big is bad enough but not acknowledging that not everyone would appreciate this is mental. There is literally nothing you could do to deal with behaviour like this other than just let them help you which obviously isn't viable. They won't admit they made a mistake they won't compromise and they won't acknowledge their part in the argument. So I think you've got two options. Ignore them or insult back. Mil: your bum looks so big! You: yes it's got bigger but still not as big as yours eg, ha ha Mil: that's so rude, how dare you You: it was a joke, you are so over sensitive!

I would honestly consider whether you want your children to be around people like this. Even if they don't do it to them (unlikely) they just sound nasty, and it's not good for them if you are there to see their mum being insulted

Yes this is accurate. But also she has her defence lawyers ( FIL and SIL ) who agree and ridicule me every time she brings this up during an argument.

They'll take her side on anything and always go into huge explanations..

' mum really didn't mean it like that. You always take everything personal. When mum was pregnant she wasn't offended when people told her she'd gained weight '.

' she was just having a laugh ' etc..

This is probably the worst part. Other family members defending her and each other when I point something out that's upset me.

Another one:

' no mum didn't undermine you when she kept saying you're holding your own baby wrong. She just means well. You're so sensitive. You take everything personal. '

You do spend a lot of time hand wringing and questioning yourself though hey? You know you're right. She sounds awful, I think you give this too much headspace and worrying about other people's feelings and analysing things when it's actually quite simple. She's rude and awful, tell her she is rude, yoy can do it withba smile so they're not quite sure you're serious. When other people tell you you're too sensitive say they're welcome to their own opinion but you don't agree. I mean it would be glorious if you could start referring to her and the other ILs as the "extended family", make it very clear that you are the family. But honestly stop seeing them so much, you don't have to have this in your life. Just why are you seeing them so much that you're having this many conversations with her and then the dissections from the other family members, cut them off! Let DH take the kids and do it significantly less than before. It's fine to do that this all sounds like a big old waste of energy. I mean you could just blow it all open and call her a vile b and to back off, I can't imagine ever actually doing that in real life or that you would from your posts but it would stop all this agonising once and for all!

This sort of behaviour causes me to channel my long deceased grannie who would undoubtedly have said something along the lines of
"Aw get to fuck with you, always finding something to nasty to be saying, go have a rummage around my kitchen then see if you can find some filth in there to make you happy, and mind you dont come back without a nice hot cup of tea for us all, go on then away wit cha"
Just because someone else starts the row doesn't mean you have to finish it. Or care. Or lose.

Do they also deploy that immortal line, 'Oh that's just how she is, she's never going to change, you've just got to learn to live with it'?

They sound awful.

Mine are just odd introverted people. DH is an only child and it’s so weirdly intense. They will barely even make eye contact with me or acknowledge me. MIL once patted me on the head and said ‘pat the dog’. No joke.

It’s a strange dynamic especially when you have children. My children are their life and they have nothing else going on.

You’re not being unreasonable here. I think it’s okay to not get on with in laws, let the relationship be with Dh and children. It can be quite sad when you have friends or family who have lovely in law relationships but it just isn’t going to be the case with everyone.

I took a decision not to see my PILs ever again after one final argument after I had dd2. They made a huge fuss about seeing the kids regularly but showed not one jot of interest in dd2 and only ever asked to see dd1. My children came as a pair and by allowing them to take one only, it was damaging to dd2 and was manipulative and cruel. It was a repeat of the behaviour with me.

An example of differing attitudes was when my dh was out of work for 4 months and we had a new baby. My parents wanted to give us some money to help out by we didnt want to take it. So my dad asked my dh to undertake some building and decorating work so he could "pay" him. We were all happy with this.

FIL told me in front of the family that I was a terrible person for "taking" money off my parents - he meant I had effectively charged them for decorating. This has always stayed with me.

I can see now he was trying to cut off lines of support and kindness from my family.

Put distance between you and them. Just stop seeing them. Believe me, you wont miss each other.

@nubbie

Another one:

' no mum didn't undermine you when she kept saying you're holding your own baby wrong. She just means well. You're so sensitive. You take everything personal. '

Their starting point is that sensitive is bad.

I have a very sensitive friend (a worrier is probably more accurate) whereas I am quite slapdash. I adapt myself a bit around her because I know I can set her worrying and because I think she's lovely and an asset in my life I don't want that to happen!

So ask them - if you know I'm sensitive why would you want to upset me? Do you enjoy it?

But in this instance you'd be better off going low contact.
I'm really cross on your behalf.

I never gave my ils my mobile number.. Made for a quieter life. Maybe your phone is due an accident op? Block them. Say it must be a glitch.

Hey, you know your MIL is awful. Accept it. Laugh about it (in time). Just don’t spend any time with her. Let your DH go whenever he wants of course and you turn up dutifully for major events but stick to chat about the weather and go to bed early.

This is word for word what I do with my in laws. I like my FIL but MIL is toxic so I do the bare minimum. They don't like me anyway so why should I press my presence on them?

They sound very toxic & abusive. I'd definitely limit contact & id do the same with the DCs too. If they bitch about your family in front of you, then you can guarantee that they will do the same about you in front of your DC which would be damaging to your DCs as will undermining your parenting as they are already doing... avoid!

No. You learn to tolerate them for the sake of your husband but I’d gladly push him under a bus if I could get away with it

But you all know how it will go if I stay distant. They'll again, blame me for wanting that.

They'll blame my unreasonableness and sick mind.

I have to live with that, I guess.

So let them blame you, OP. No matter what you do, they will ALWAYS have an issue with you. You will never win with them so no need to continue or try. They don’t like you and they never will and that is NOT your fault. Don’t continue making yourself miserable for miserable people. Life is way too short. Do nothing with them. Leave your DH to see them if he wants but you sure don’t have to. They are not entitled to your time.

Who cares what they think if you’re not hanging around them to hear about it?

They'll blame my unreasonableness and sick mind.

That is highly abusive, forget their opinion, they are not reasonable people, so it's of no consequence. Do what you need to protect you & your DCs.

Not read all the posts as I am in the same situation and finding it very stressful, and upsetting. It has got to the point now I don’t want to see her, she angers me so much. It’s clearly all my fault when actually I have done things wrong, I am human I have said sorry, but she won’t acknowledge any of her flaws/faults/wrongdoing. I am having to cut contact. I won’t stop her seeing DC, but she will think I am. DH is a bit thoughtless in the fact when we are doing something she could join us I would suggest she joins us. So he would then invite her, now she will think I am stopping him inviting her when the fact is, I am just not reminding him to invite her.

I would never stop my DH from seeing her, but she has cut her nose off despite her face, it seems your MIL has to. DH sees her when I am not around now. It’s easier.

They are awful people. AWFUL!

OP, you can't change their behaviour but you can change your own reaction to it. For the sake of your mental health please cut them right out of your life. Yes they probably will still harp on about you being 'sensitive', but they're going to do that regardless - whether you see them or not, whether you actually are being sensitive (nothing you've written here suggests that is the case) or not, whether you retaliate against their bullying or not. Let them carry on being as toxic as they like in their own time but remove yourself and hopefully your children from it completely.

I feel really sorry for your children that you would want them around such people.

That you would want your little children to grow up seeing their mother ridiculed, insulted and bullied.

I wouldn't want my precious children around this so I can't imagine why anyone would want their children to see such awful behaviour that would be so confusing and damaging for them.

I think you would hugely benefit from counselling to understand why you think you feel the need to apologise to someone who has been so rude and unkind to you.

Kindly no wonder your MH is fragile to be swallowing such a poisonous environment.

In short, can you move?

Because if at all possible I would start packing if you can't cut them out.

Take care.

Even if you did as they wanted you would would still be in the wrong!

They don't like or care about you-so you have to think only of yourself & what is best for you.