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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not have the in-laws for Christmas ever

123 replies

Bushkin · 01/11/2021 20:22

Or in fact anyone? I only say the in-laws because we’re getting the feeling (via) some heavy hints that BIL & SIL think we should take a ‘turn’ to have MIL.

Our relationship with MIL is strained, we all pretend it’s ok because that’s what they do as a family but after a particularly awful Christmas where we hosted MIL a few years ago we agreed to do Christmas Dinner just our nuclear family. It’s bliss, we love it. My family couldn’t care less but BIL and SIL are giving DH the guilts.

Also, they live a couple of hundred miles away so always stay for a few days so not just dinner.

Should we stick to our guns and just pretend not to notice?

OP posts:
Bananarama21 · 01/11/2021 20:23

I couldn't leave anyone on their own on Christmas personally

Pumpkinsonparade · 01/11/2021 20:25

Ignorance is bliss isn't it?!
If anyone asks if you are having mil for Xmas just say no you have ordered a turkey..
And change the subject.
If sil is so bothered she can invite her..

Isthisjustnormal · 01/11/2021 20:25

Do your BIL & SIL get on with your PIL? Presumably by not ever hosting them, they have to pick up the slack every year. I don’t blame you for trying to have Christmas to yourselves. But I do understand them wanting to spread the load a little…

A580Hojas · 01/11/2021 20:28

If your DH wants to maintain a relationship with his siblings then he probably needs to take a turn having MIL for Christmas.

Original poster
Bushkin · 01/11/2021 20:28

MIL has a husband who also has children although mil less interested in them

BIL & SIL do get on with MIL and don’t spend every Christmas with her (and her DH) just seem to think that we should

No one is alone, sorry should’ve mentioned she’s not single

OP posts:
MouseRoar · 01/11/2021 20:28

so you expect your husband's sibling to host Mil every single Christmas? Or else she spends Christmas alone? Do you think that is fair?
Unless the dripfeed is that she is utterly toxic, yabu

Itsnotallaboutyoubaby · 01/11/2021 20:28

@A580Hojas

If your DH wants to maintain a relationship with his siblings then he probably needs to take a turn having MIL for Christmas.
I was about to say this
Pumpkinsonparade · 01/11/2021 20:31

Surely some people have Christmas with friends /ndn? Not everyone has a family.

Original poster
Bushkin · 01/11/2021 20:32

Can I ask why people think the sibling relationship depends on it? I feel like it’s their choice to host, and they don’t do it every year.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bushkin · 01/11/2021 20:35

@MouseRoar I don’t ‘expect’ them to do anything. They spend a lot of time with MIL, she does a lot of childcare for them and they have a totally different relationship to the one we do.

OP posts:
Houseplantmad · 01/11/2021 20:36

We stopped going to the PIL for Christmas as it was too stressful, uncomfortable and there were always rows. The final straw was arriving one Christmas Eve to find that DH and I had been allocated the floor with two garden cushions as mattresses for a bed while SIL’s children had beds! We had said we were booking into a B and B but we’re told beds would be available.
Our Christmases at home with the DC have been so much more relaxed and happy. PIL have since died but I don’t regret one bit not going there each time.

Bebabelouba · 01/11/2021 20:36

I think that you are totally nbu.
In-laws have each other. They could choose to have a nice meal together or see friends, or make a million other choices.
Hope I never become such a burden on my own DC !

GaolBhoAlba · 01/11/2021 20:41

[quote Bushkin]@MouseRoar I don’t ‘expect’ them to do anything. They spend a lot of time with MIL, she does a lot of childcare for them and they have a totally different relationship to the one we do.[/quote]
My sister would/does say exactly this. The relationship she has with my Dad is her choice, not his; its her who has the poor attitude (and its the reason we're no longer close; indeed I have grown to actively dislike her).

Original poster
Bushkin · 01/11/2021 20:43

@GaolBhoAlba SIL might say the same. She’s very much the golden child and has a very different experience of MIL to DH. Took lots of therapy to unpick that one for him.

OP posts:
Sweettea1 · 01/11/2021 20:49

I host my mother every year its a pain and would love it just to be us 1 year but none of my siblings ever offer to have mum an am not cruel enough to leave her on her own.

Larryyourwaiter · 01/11/2021 20:53

Having someone for a meal and having them to stay over several days of Christmas is totally different. I think anyone should be able to suck it up for a meal for a few hours.
We did swop having PILs and then only MIL. I don’t think BIL understood having them for the afternoon wasn’t quite the effort of 5 days.

If she’s not on her own well then they need to do their own thing, does she not want to cook and wants to be fed by someone else?

GaolBhoAlba · 01/11/2021 20:56

[quote Bushkin]@GaolBhoAlba SIL might say the same. She’s very much the golden child and has a very different experience of MIL to DH. Took lots of therapy to unpick that one for him.[/quote]
My sister and I had the same experience growing up, if anything my late Mum was stricter on me (I was the party animal). The difference has been in my approach to my parents as ive got older, my sister (it seems by nature) holds grudges. She's still nursing grudges over insignificant things that happened 20 years ago! My boyfriend was allowed in my bedroom, hers wasn't - petty things like that.
My sister excuses her lack of involvement in my Dad's life, leaving everything to me, by telling herself I was favoured. Ive given up trying to work her out.

Haffdonga · 01/11/2021 20:57

There's a lot of 'we' in your post. We pretend ... we agreed etc. How much of 'we' is you and how much is your dh?

I can believe it's a lot nicer for you never having your in laws for Christmas but is it really what your dh wants deep down?

I'd say whether YABU or not depends on your dh's opinion on this.

Tiffbiff · 01/11/2021 21:02

In answer to your question- yes it’s your turn, no you shouldn’t bury your head in the sand, you’ll have plenty of Christmas’s without her in the future.

Evenstar · 01/11/2021 21:03

Of course you are not unreasonable to say no to hosting someone you dislike in your home, BUT I feel so much for your BIL as we were the ones who always had to host the difficult MIL, one brother moved abroad and my SIL used to make arrangements every year that meant she couldn’t have her. MIL was a widow and we couldn’t bring ourselves to leave her alone. It will affect your DH’s relationship with his siblings if he never takes his turn.

Original poster
Bushkin · 01/11/2021 21:04

@Haffdonga honestly I think if the lived close by and could pop in for a couple of hours then go home he might feel differently but for at least a couple of nights and after last time he has no desire to host them at all.

Likewise I think if we invited my family he might feel like he ‘should’ because it wouldn’t be fair not to but because we don’t have anyone he doesn’t feel that way. He enjoys our laidback Christmas with just us in our PJs all day.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bushkin · 01/11/2021 21:05

To be clear BIL and SIL don’t have them every year, I think one in 3(? Not 100% sure) they go back to BILs hometown

OP posts:
Fraine · 01/11/2021 21:07

She has her partner
She has her step-children
She has her golden child nearby

Ignore the hints.

Cofifeefee · 01/11/2021 21:09

I don't think you're doing anything wrong because she has a husband so she's not on her own even if she doesn't get an invite and you don't have your family over so there's no favouritism being shown.

CheddarGorgeous · 01/11/2021 21:09

We have my SIL every year because her children won't have her. She's not the easiest to get on with and I do resent that it always falls to us.

I think you should take a turn so your SIL and BIL can plan a Christmas without having to take her into account. It might not be your perfect Christmas but it's a bit precious to make arrangements that suit just you every single year. The world won't implode if you compromise.