To not have the in-laws for Christmas ever

[Bushkin]

Or in fact anyone? I only say the in-laws because we’re getting the feeling (via) some heavy hints that BIL & SIL think we should take a ‘turn’ to have MIL.

Our relationship with MIL is strained, we all pretend it’s ok because that’s what they do as a family but after a particularly awful Christmas where we hosted MIL a few years ago we agreed to do Christmas Dinner just our nuclear family. It’s bliss, we love it. My family couldn’t care less but BIL and SIL are giving DH the guilts.

Also, they live a couple of hundred miles away so always stay for a few days so not just dinner.

Should we stick to our guns and just pretend not to notice?

So SiL isn't trying to get her brother (your DH) to host their mum to relieve her from having to do it every year, she's just saying that your DH (& you) should host their mother at Xmas 'sometimes', too. Is that right?

If that's so and since their mum isn't left alone at Xmas and since your DH has been the traditional 'black sheep', just carry on as you have been.

And I agree with others that SiL is probably acting as a flying monkey in response to their mum 'poor me-ing' to her about never being invited to yours for Xmas. Not that she probably really wants to be invited all that much, she probably just enjoys making your DH look bad.

@Wondergirl100

Wow I'm shocked by some of the responses on this thread. "everyone should have they christmas THEY want' - how is that the christmas spirit?! It's just a day - and the whole point of it is to celebrate kindness to all people on earth! Building it up so that it has to be 'perfect' even if that means excluding any annoying family members is just not what its about.

I get it if there is nasty behaviour from family but if they are just mildly annoying - then yes! you should have them over.

The op is saying that her husband will literally never in his life have his mum for xmas? and people think this is okay?

You may be content to be a people pleaser, others are not. Why can people not prioritise their own happiness and celebrate “kindness” with their own immediate family? Or must we all be beholden to others every single day, including Christmas?

You may be content to be a people pleaser, others are not. Why can people not prioritise their own happiness and celebrate “kindness” hmm with their own immediate family? Or must we all be beholden to others every single day, including Christmas?

OP isn't beholden to her PILs in any way.

Imagine if your own son or daughter never, ever spent Christmas with you. Would you not be sad?
If you were the nearby offspring and knew how much it upset your mum that your sibling never ever spent Christmas with her and rarely calles, would you just shrug your shoulders and leave her to be sad?

Why can't MIL have her own Christmas though? Like you say, she's not single - she won't be on her own.

@saraclara

You may be content to be a people pleaser, others are not. Why can people not prioritise their own happiness and celebrate “kindness” hmm with their own immediate family? Or must we all be beholden to others every single day, including Christmas?

OP isn't beholden to her PILs in any way.

Imagine if your own son or daughter never, ever spent Christmas with you. Would you not be sad?
If you were the nearby offspring and knew how much it upset your mum that your sibling never ever spent Christmas with her and rarely calles, would you just shrug your shoulders and leave her to be sad?

Have you actually read all of OP’s posts, @saraclara ? The MIL sounds like a bitch, and I don’t use that word lightly.

@AcrossthePond55 correct, they just think he should, it seems.

In hindsight I should’ve thought it all through more before posting, it was a bit of a knee jerk reaction to after reading another Christmas thread.

@RobertaFirmino

Why can't MIL have her own Christmas though? Like you say, she's not single - she won't be on her own.

Because for most people, Christmas is about family?

OP's MIL is going to be less and less interested in her OP's kids if she doesn't get to see them that often, and no-one's arsed, even for one year, to let her see them at Christmas.

I find it ridiculous when those who live a long distance from parents/PILs are surprised when the GPs have a closer relationship with the DGCs they get to see several times a week. If you want them to have a relationship with your own kids, you need to provide them with the opportunity. And Christmas is a great opportunity to bond with DGCs.

I wouldn’t invite them as they seem more trouble than they are worth.

@saraclara first thing she does if we take our kids to visit is invite the other ones over. And when they aren’t there she talks about them the whole time. If we invite them to visit they need to check with sil & bil re childcare needs first even if it’s months in advance.

Bushkin, I think you should invite your MIL for Christmas. She might say no anyway but at least then you'd be blameless.

It's actually impossible for everyone to have the Christmas they want. Most family Christmases involve some degree of compromise, even if it's only about what time dinner is served or what to watch on TV.

Having said that, it sounds as if the OP's mother in law is not an easy guest and because she lives so far away, it's not a question of gritting one's teeth over lunch. If she lived on her own, I would have said it would be good to take it in turns, but MIL does have choices about how she spends Christmas. I do think it would be worth talking to your BIL and SIL about how you feel. Do they notice that MIL treats them and their children differently? I'm only suggesting this because the odds are your MIL will outlive her husband and as she gets older, decisions might become more complicated than who she spends Christmas with. That depends on her age and health though.

@Avarua

Bushkin, I think you should invite your MIL for Christmas. She might say no anyway but at least then you'd be blameless.

But then she wouldn’t be able to gush over her other grandchildren if she didn’t accept.

Much better not to invite.

Because for most people, Christmas is about family?

It's obvious that this particular MIL not only has a favourite child but is thoroughly unpleasant too. Inviting her will only spoil things for the other members of OPs household, all of whom are equally important.

If MIL is actually a bearable woman, why are SIL and BIL so keen to offload her?

@Bushkin Your DH needs to try and stop feeling guilty. Why should he feel any guilt whatsoever? His own DM has treated him like dirt all his life. The only person who should be feeling any shame is her!

When SIL messages with a "you need to..," message to DH about their DM he should reply with a "my relationship with my mother is my concern, not yours. Butt out."

Absolutely fine. BIL isn’t obligated to have them either. She isn’t alone. I hate the turn taking thing, personally. Especially when someone decides that because they took a turn, you have to.

MIL has a husband so won't be alone. Christmas is a good time to be with family if you like them or if someone lives completely alone. Neither of these apply. SIL could leave her mother to have Christmas with her husband or her husband and one or more of his kids. I'm not sure why SIL feels the need to see her mother every Christmas if she doesn't actually want to.

You reap what you sew. If MIL was a nicer person, maybe she would get an invite, but she's not, so stuff her.

Wow I'm shocked by some of the responses on this thread. "everyone should have they christmas THEY want' - how is that the christmas spirit?! It's just a day - and the whole point of it is to celebrate kindness to all people on earth! Building it up so that it has to be 'perfect' even if that means excluding any annoying family members is just not what its about. I get it if there is nasty behaviour from family but if they are just mildly annoying - then yes! you should have them over. The op is saying that her husband will literally never in his life have his mum for xmas? and people think this is okay?

@Wondergirl100 Not everyone is religious or sees Christmas as having the same meaning. For instance, for some people it's about having a nice family time with their own nuclear family and making memories etc.

I'm no contact with my dad. And that's ok, because how he acted was not good for me.

People should avoid people who have a negative effect on their wellbeing and happiness.

There are no 'shoulds' except those that align with an individual's values. Not everyone is you and no-one has to live how you think people 'should' live. That is the sort of stricture that forces people to spend time with people who are damaging to them.

Youu do you and let other people do the same.

It's just a day

No it’s more than that, is probably 2/3 days!

If it’s just a day then MIL can spend it with her husband - or his family!

Don’t feel pressured into having them over.

I think the people saying "Xmas is about faaammiiilllyy" just don't really get it. Why should someone invited someone who treats them badly just because they're related? Why should you invite paid and discomfort into your own home?

This isn't about 'never satisfied Aunt Bessie' or 'rude Uncle Joe'. This isn't even about 'drunk cousin Ambrose'. Those people can be 'grit your teeth and smile' invited if you choose to do so. This woman has mistreated OP's DH, her own son, all his life. And yet she should be welcomed with open arms 'just because Xmas'? No. You reap what you sow.

@Bushkin If DH wants to keep his relationship with his sister then the best thing to do, I think, is to just 'let it go' and say nothing. There's no point in him trying to justify or explain so don't bother. Let them talk and then do your own thing. As the old proverb says "The dogs bark but the caravan passes on".

Boy, typos!!

invited = invite
paid = pain

@Bushkin

Never negotiate with terrorists.

I smell direct orders from MIL......

This is my recommended response to SIL.... and Co. ......:

Christmas is so lovely the way we've been enjoying it these past couple years. We really look foward to Christmas now; we wouldn't change it for the world. I am sure you understand. Merry Christmas to you and yours

Well, gosh, 👀imagine being such a pain in the fucking arse that people are reduced to having to put up with you rather than cherish time spent🙄

It’s difficult. My only inking has decided they want to spend Xmas with just their nuclear family. We’ve done it a few times and I much prefer it I love my mum but she can be very hard work) but all of the guilt of not inviting my mum and her partner is entirely on me and I do resent my sibling a little for it. If they would invite them for the odd Xmas, we could have the odd guilt free one with our little family like they enjoy every year.

@flatclearancehelp

Well, gosh, 👀imagine being such a pain in the fucking arse that people are reduced to having to put up with you rather than cherish time spent🙄

I agree. I hope my kids never feel this way about me and if they do, I hope they don't invite me. It would be hurtful, but how awful to be the destroyer of everyone's day and not even realize.