To not have the in-laws for Christmas ever

[Bushkin]

Or in fact anyone? I only say the in-laws because we’re getting the feeling (via) some heavy hints that BIL & SIL think we should take a ‘turn’ to have MIL.

Our relationship with MIL is strained, we all pretend it’s ok because that’s what they do as a family but after a particularly awful Christmas where we hosted MIL a few years ago we agreed to do Christmas Dinner just our nuclear family. It’s bliss, we love it. My family couldn’t care less but BIL and SIL are giving DH the guilts.

Also, they live a couple of hundred miles away so always stay for a few days so not just dinner.

Should we stick to our guns and just pretend not to notice?

I think everyone should have the Christmas that THEY want... without obligation invitations to folk they would rather not spend time with.
This idea that everyone should have a 'Happy Family Christmas' is nonsense... just because you are related, by birth or marriage etc doesnt automatically mean you LIKE them!!!

Do you see them at all over the Christmas period?

@CheddarGorgeous

We have my SIL every year because her children won't have her. She's not the easiest to get on with and I do resent that it always falls to us.

I think you should take a turn so your SIL and BIL can plan a Christmas without having to take her into account. It might not be your perfect Christmas but it's a bit precious to make arrangements that suit just you every single year. The world won't implode if you compromise.

The SIL doesn’t have MIL every year. And it’s in her interests to have her for the free childcare. OP’s DH is the black sheep.

@Fraine

She has her partner She has her step-children She has her golden child nearby

Ignore the hints.

This.

She is not alone.

Her child getting lots of childcare should be happy to have her.

I find it really odd that so many people think the offspring need to take turns to have the parents for Christmas, and that because the Op doesn’t do it, that means the siblings have to.

I’m secretly looking forward to the year all my kids are busy with their families, and dh and I can take ourselves off to a posh hotel somewhere sunny for Christmas.

The SIL doesn’t have MIL every year.

Yes, I saw that after I posted. Where is the pressure coming from then?

It's not your 'turn' to have them no more than it is their 'turn' to have you. If there is going to be turn taking then people have to agree to it - other people can't just decide that it's now your turn for things because they've had enough and can't say no. If MIL wants to be invited to Christmas dinner then she needs to make sure she is nice and kind and so is going to be a wanted guest. It sounds like this really hasn't happened.

BIL and SIL need to concentrate on their own lives, if they want to invite MIL that's up to them, if they don't then that's fine too, she's not on her own and not their responsibility. They shouldn't be trying to foist her onto you to assuage their own misplaced guilt. It's not even as if they have her every year - but it would be their own choice and no one else's if they did.

I'd take a step back from BIL and SIL and just say you're having a quiet Christmas just you and the kids if it does come up.

Where is the pressure coming from then?

I’m guessing DH has stopped looking for parental approval since getting therapy and MIL is annoyed that he isn’t doing the pick me dance anymore.

Ignore the hints. No one is obliged to have Christmas with another else. Do what suits you, your DH and DC.

It’s coming from BIL & SIL I think, although they could be doing it on MIL’s behalf. They have a tendency to try to manage his relationship with her. Lots of ‘have you called mum this week?’ ‘Have you remembered mums birthday?’ (He’s never forgotten) ‘you should call mum more often’…

It might be helpful to know what happened a few years ago - you say strained, but isn't that common at family Christmas dinners? I do feel a bit sorry for your SIL and BIL having to think about this every year, even if they do get free babysitting and have a better relationship.
I totally understand you not wanting her; I suppose it just depends how awful it would be to have her really.

@Bushkin

It’s coming from BIL & SIL I think, although they could be doing it on MIL’s behalf. They have a tendency to try to manage his relationship with her. Lots of ‘have you called mum this week?’ ‘Have you remembered mums birthday?’ (He’s never forgotten) ‘you should call mum more often’…

That sounds likely. They are her flying monkeys.

I don't think anyone can advise specifically about Christmas if the family dynamic is bad. Have you ever sought advice on the situation in general?

@Sweettea1

I host my mother every year its a pain and would love it just to be us 1 year but none of my siblings ever offer to have mum an am not cruel enough to leave her on her own.

Gosh imagine your child talking about you like this one day!!

Wow I'm shocked by some of the responses on this thread. "everyone should have they christmas THEY want' - how is that the christmas spirit?! It's just a day - and the whole point of it is to celebrate kindness to all people on earth! Building it up so that it has to be 'perfect' even if that means excluding any annoying family members is just not what its about.

I get it if there is nasty behaviour from family but if they are just mildly annoying - then yes! you should have them over.

The op is saying that her husband will literally never in his life have his mum for xmas? and people think this is okay?

Every year I find my mum a total stress at xmas for many reasons, she gets totally anxious about everything and genuinely is a difficult presence - yes, last year it was easier without wider family! But - i would never just stop them coming - that would be cruel. the problem is in thinking we are all entitled to be perfectly happy all the time and not have to deal with other people and their issues - why does xmas have to be about what each individual deems perfect? Surely it's about comprimise and ensuring nobody feels left out.

Ffs can people not read

shes not alone she married-the sil and bil dont even host her every year its not all on them

dh doesnt get on with her

Forever amazed at the pressure and emphasis on so many people to please others for one day of the year.

It will ruin your Christmas.

@whynotwhatknot to be fair it’s totally my fault. I should’ve included a few key points in the OP that I missed:

• she’s remarried
• she has step kids too
• BIL & SIL don’t have her every year anyway, maybe 2/3 max

Is she abusive or just a bit annoying? What do they do the years that they don’t see SIL?

[quote Bushkin]@whynotwhatknot to be fair it’s totally my fault. I should’ve included a few key points in the OP that I missed:

• she’s remarried
• she has step kids too
• BIL & SIL don’t have her every year anyway, maybe 2/3 max[/quote]

i wouldn't worry op it's easy enough to see all your posts

@Wondergirl100

Every year I find my mum a total stress at xmas for many reasons, she gets totally anxious about everything and genuinely is a difficult presence - yes, last year it was easier without wider family! But - i would never just stop them coming - that would be cruel. the problem is in thinking we are all entitled to be perfectly happy all the time and not have to deal with other people and their issues - why does xmas have to be about what each individual deems perfect? Surely it's about comprimise and ensuring nobody feels left out.

You mean like the way MIL left OP’s DH out to the extent he needed therapy?

@Bushkin

It’s coming from BIL & SIL I think, although they could be doing it on MIL’s behalf. They have a tendency to try to manage his relationship with her. Lots of ‘have you called mum this week?’ ‘Have you remembered mums birthday?’ (He’s never forgotten) ‘you should call mum more often’…

Maybe because they are the ones who hear her express sadness that she doesn't see much of him and your family.

Depends on what you decide abusive. Narcissism is bandied around a lot here and she’s not diagnosed but shows a lot of those traits. She’s definitely got issues with alcohol and is impossible to communicate with as she’s always the victim. She very much treats SIL & BIL better than us and the other grandchildren are very obviously favoured.

DH had quite a difficult childhood with her. Lots of emotional stuff that a child shouldn’t have had to deal with. She’s exhausting, and whenever with us makes it very obvious she’s missing the other grandkids the whole time.