To not have the in-laws for Christmas ever

[Bushkin]

Or in fact anyone? I only say the in-laws because we’re getting the feeling (via) some heavy hints that BIL & SIL think we should take a ‘turn’ to have MIL.

Our relationship with MIL is strained, we all pretend it’s ok because that’s what they do as a family but after a particularly awful Christmas where we hosted MIL a few years ago we agreed to do Christmas Dinner just our nuclear family. It’s bliss, we love it. My family couldn’t care less but BIL and SIL are giving DH the guilts.

Also, they live a couple of hundred miles away so always stay for a few days so not just dinner.

Should we stick to our guns and just pretend not to notice?

From your posts OP I can just see that your MIL favours SIL and SILs kids over your DH and DC. She also sounds like hard work.

None of this is ideal but it is a very manageable day and by not having them you are creating even bigger issues. Isn’t it better to show your children that they can be the bigger person once in a while? I mean it’s only every 3-4 years !

It sounds a bit spoilt to be honest with all the talk of my day , my family etc

@merrygoround51 wow, do you advise people to be doormats in real life too, or just on MN?

@mrschocolatte If you have children then it’s all about them . If you don’t then obviously it’s not

@Squeezita
No but I do advise people and myself to sometimes deal with a situation that isn’t ideal particularly with ageing parents because it’s the right thing to do.

Family relationships can be strained - we don’t choose our families after all. But surely in life, and in the spirit of Christmas, we can make some room once every 3- 4 years for people we don’t particularly get on with.

I don’t get it around Christmas to be honest - it’s a family day. You can have every other day as ‘just us’

She has a husband and step children! She can sort out her own Christmas. It's always quite telling when children feel burdened rather than happy to have family occasions. In this case your sil is the golden child which means your mil wasn't a good mother - so why should your dh feel obligated and burdened by having her. She has a family of her own.

The problem with 'taking turns' is that it just doesn't allow for individual relationships / preferences / situations.

I'm pretty sure DB and SIL would prefer it that I 'took turns' with DM at Christmas (and I'm sure DM would love to come here occasionally), but the reality is:

They live 10 minutes from her, so she usually just goes over for lunch or sometimes stays the night until Boxing Day. I live a 5 hour drive away, and DM doesn't drive so her coming here would necessitate 2 x 10 hour round trips for me

They both usually have the full fortnight off at Christmas, DH and I get the bare minimum, so finding the time to even do the 2 x 10 hour round trips (which would likely involve staying at DM's overnight to avoid having to do the whole thing in one day), is pretty much impossible

DM would want to stay for at least a week as she finds the travelling tiring. She'd be stuck here with bugger all to do on the days DH and I are both working over the Christmas period, having to be quiet and stay out of our way as we both WFH, instead of being at home doing her own thing or spending time with her friends

She moved away from our hometown to be near DB and SIL to help with childcare, so tbh having her for Christmas dinner is the least they can do. If they tried to 'guilt' me into 'taking my turn' they'd be told where to shove it!

Really interesting to see the divided opinions. Glad it’s not universal that I’m unreasonable, it was starting to feel that way in the beginning.

I do feel I have Christmas on a bit of a pedestal. We really love it and do lots of preparation, have lots of silly traditions. It’s a really busy time of year for us work wise, so the couple of days off, at home doing exciting as we please is something I/we really look forward to. The it’s just a day/it can’t always be the way you want it messages really hard with that. I try to make it as special, happy and stress free as possible so we all enjoy ourselves.

My mum and siblings couldn’t care less by the way and do a mixture of hosting each other/going to family/friends and going on holiday. If there was a problem they’d say it kindly but directly and we’d discuss it like adults. There is zero expectation so I find the whole passive aggressive hinting from the ILs really grating.

@Bebabelouba

I think that you are totally nbu. In-laws have each other. They could choose to have a nice meal together or see friends, or make a million other choices. Hope I never become such a burden on my own DC !

My late PILs had each other too, but there was never any question of them spending Christmas alone together!

From what you've said I'm not entirely sure why you bother with any kind of relationship.

Can't see any benefit, especially to your DH

I think it’s the sibling relationship and the relationship between DCs and cousins that DH really wants to maintain. So he tolerates MIL to enable that.

[quote Bushkin]@GaolBhoAlba SIL might say the same. She’s very much the golden child and has a very different experience of MIL to DH. Took lots of therapy to unpick that one for him.[/quote]
So the scapegoat has toddled off and done his own thing and made his own happiness, and MIL and her golden child possibly have their noses out of joint?

Tough titties :)

Merry 'if you have children Christmas is all about them' - not unless you are raising spoilt kids.... Christmas is a time of celebration for all - young, old, families, single people, children, child free etc. I hate the obsession about making it 'all about the children'. And yes, I do have a DC but Christmas is no less special than when I didn't and we make sure that Christmas does not revolve around our DC.

Why can't you just step back from all the angst and let your DH deal with? Is he delegating the 'wife work' of maintaining family relationships to you?

I’m not dealing with it, DH is. It’s just the little dogs all the time that annoy me and I wondered whether they were justified and perhaps our position was unreasonable.

Just thinking aloud and interested in other perspectives. If it’s said when I’m around I very much smile & nod and then DH deal with it but it does still rankle a little.

*digs, sorry my typos are dreadful today

@Bushkin

Really interesting to see the divided opinions. Glad it’s not universal that I’m unreasonable, it was starting to feel that way in the beginning.

I do feel I have Christmas on a bit of a pedestal. We really love it and do lots of preparation, have lots of silly traditions. It’s a really busy time of year for us work wise, so the couple of days off, at home doing exciting as we please is something I/we really look forward to. The it’s just a day/it can’t always be the way you want it messages really hard with that. I try to make it as special, happy and stress free as possible so we all enjoy ourselves.

My mum and siblings couldn’t care less by the way and do a mixture of hosting each other/going to family/friends and going on holiday. If there was a problem they’d say it kindly but directly and we’d discuss it like adults. There is zero expectation so I find the whole passive aggressive hinting from the ILs really grating.

OP, I Think your ILs have done you a massive favour behaving this way. One bullet dodged.

MIL, i suspect, has been playing the same game with the SIL children 'Oh I do sooo miss @Bushkin children when they are not here' in front of SIL. I think she is a past master at playing one off the other and WHO is at the centre of all the attention?? That's right the biggest kid in the room!

Think of it this way. If MIL wasn't around, frankly any of the wider family, you and DH would have to be creating your own family traditions anyway. I am glad you have a lovely mum and famly on your own side who 'discuss it like adults'. A much healthier approach.

MIL and her flying monkeys are not exactly festive are they?

Enjoy your Christmas and if anyone misbehaves, Santa is not coming!

@LookItsMeAgain thank you. I think my favourite is @timeisnotaline response for actually spelling it out. Good call - then there is no room for confusion and the reason couldn't be clearer!

@mrschocolatte I've got no DC either and like you, me and DH always have a lovely, quiet and cosy day by ourselves with our own traditions. I feel really quite liberated when I read these type of threads and I bet you do too!

@RobertaFirmino Oh most definitely! Making that decision meant one less thing to be stressed about in an already stressful life. Love the username BTW!

I’m with you OP. She’s not on her own, and if your BIL and SIL want to host every few years, that’s up to them, they don’t get to dictate that you do the same. I do think your DH should just tell them outright though, so they stop hinting.

Surely whether MIL is alone or not at Christmas is a non sequitur.

If MIL can't behave and she has massive form and you are the only ones showing 'goodwill' and she doesn't, then don't spoil your own Christmas by tainting it with her.

Have a lovely Christmas being happy and free, @Bushkin

It's not your ILS job to organise you and DH.

Do Christmas your way so you can relax and enjoy it.

MIL won't be alone so she's not your responsibility.

depends totally on the dynamic and the context

we stopped visiting ILs at xmas because it was an expensive difficult trip, it was very unenjoyable and we felt we had to go to loads of sacrifice to do their kind of xmas. And no thought was given to our enjoyment as MIL panders endlessly to SIL who is a real diva. There was also never any thanks for our efforts nor any understanding from SIL that having to spend the whole of xmas at quite significant cost in terms of time money and hassle to be with MIL is v different than popping in for an hour or two from 5 minutes down the road which is what she does.

In our case both MIL and SIL are difficult people and whilst I would actually be happy to go for xmas on an occasional basis DH is not. Unfortunately i do think some of the problem os they had just become accustomed to being difficult and demanding and in the process just made themselves very hard to be around but always assumed the power dynamic would be in their favour and that they could carry on as they please etc.

We still see them but no for the core xmas day which DH enjoys as a nuclear family etc

OP.......I'd have the Christmas you want and enjoy. She isn't alone in any way and clearly prefers the company of other family members to your company. Forget it - and enjoy.

(We always have the 'us only' Christmas - relaxing, indulgent, tucked up and cosy. Happy to host or party on Boxing Day or New Year - but only nice, pleasant and cheerful guests).