To not have the in-laws for Christmas ever

[Bushkin]

Or in fact anyone? I only say the in-laws because we’re getting the feeling (via) some heavy hints that BIL & SIL think we should take a ‘turn’ to have MIL.

Our relationship with MIL is strained, we all pretend it’s ok because that’s what they do as a family but after a particularly awful Christmas where we hosted MIL a few years ago we agreed to do Christmas Dinner just our nuclear family. It’s bliss, we love it. My family couldn’t care less but BIL and SIL are giving DH the guilts.

Also, they live a couple of hundred miles away so always stay for a few days so not just dinner.

Should we stick to our guns and just pretend not to notice?

Hi bil, sil, maybe we have misinterpreted but both op and I feel like we are being heavily hinted at to have mil stay for Christmas. we have done this in the past but after the misery that was Christmas 2019 swore never to do this again, it’s totally unfair on our dc for us to volunteer to spoil Christmas for them and mil very obviously spends the entire time wishing she was with your dc not ours so it’s not a good option for her either. Hope that clears it up x op’s dh.

It's fine, mil is not alone. Do they ever ask if they can host you?

I host one of DH's family members every year. No one else in his massive family ever asks. I just get on with it now. At first I stood on ceremony. Now we just get on with what we want, that includes watching Dr Who or a film which I know they don't like. I also allow DC to leave the table after dinner is over. The day is different by their presence. They have never asked to host us and I wouldn't want to go anyway.

People say they would not leave people on their own at Christmas but it's largely lip service imo.

On the other hand SIL spends every year with PIL through choice. PIL provide childcare and babysit regularly. I think SIL and BIL should thank them for all of the help they receive by hosting them for meals, helping out and inviting them for Christmas lunch. We have asked PIL to come here regularly, they don't though.

MIL is married, has her own Dh and can sort out her own Christmas.

Your SIL and BIL need to stop making it about them.

The way I see it is sometimes I get the Christmas I want, sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I have a good day. Sometimes I don’t and I look forward to it being over. If we all put less emphasis on it being a perfect time, just the way we want it, this kind of pressure simply wouldn’t exist.

It’s one day / a few days. If you host this year then make NY your own and sit around in your PJs all day. Or do that the weekend before.

I’m in your camp OP. Life is too short to be putting yourself into situations that cause you stress and anxiety.

My DP and I decided a while back that we spend Christmas Day together at home. We both love our respective families and see them all over the festive period. But never on the day itself. We were never fortunate enough to have children and for years both sets of families expected us to spend Christmas Day with them because we were ‘alone’. It never occurred to them that DP and I are our own family in our own right. Pissed me off no end.

So we spend our day together and make it special and we have built our own traditions over the years that we really look forward to. It’s my favourite day of the year. These are the memories I will take with me through life that will give me the greatest joy and comfort whenever I feel low or down.

OP,

From what you have written I wouldn't consider for a second sacrificing my family Christmas for her.

There are a couple of good examples of texts that can be sent to SIL/BIL but I would knock it on the head once and for all.

For all the childcare they receive you would imagine they would be clamouring to have her.

Don't entertain it.

I've never invited anyone for Christmas, nor been to anyone else's and that's the way it's staying in my house.
Every year I listen to my colleagues fussing and fretting about Christmas guests, then listen to them moaning about it afterwards. Why would you want to do that to yourself?
One colleague hosted eight plus her neighbour for Christmas, then complained about feeling frazzled and having no time for herself.
If they want to be a martyr that's fine, but don't bore everyone else with the complaining afterwards.
Stick to your guns op and let someone else have them.

We don't have my elderly MIL at Christmas. This is because we always invite my much loved DSis who MIL really doesn't like. MIL says she won't come if DSis does. DSis says she's perfectly happy to be reasonable and friendly to MIL and had no idea that MIL didn't like her!

DSis and MIL have never got on but like DSis says, they're both adults and should be able to rub along for one day. MIL flat out refuses to be in the same house as DSis for Christmas.

I refuse to say my DSis can't come - she is a widow and has no kids. We are her only family and I love her very much. I'm perfectly happy to have MIL as well but I will not say MIL can come and DSis can't.

I have no guilt or shame whatsoever over a situation MIL could easily remedy by swallowing her bile for one day.

"didn't like her to that extent", not just "didn't like her".....

Mil has to accept by having favourites she has a broken relationship with the other dc..
Her choice.
Consequences and all that.

This is a really tricky one: where do you draw the line.

I do think there’s some obligation to host sometimes and it’s not fair - regardless of their relationship with BIL/SIL.

But the prospect of days on end catering for an relative you don’t like makes me grateful I don’t have a MIL (I am frequently grateful not to have a MIL).

I think can you do it for one night? Show willing and support but without ruining your Christmas.

No, just no. She sounds hard work and she can go to the golden child’s or stay at home with her husband. I’m cringing at your SIL trying to micro manage your husband .

There is a strong whiff of sexism around these Christmas debates, as women are often meant to suck stuff up and make Christmas happen for people they don’t like. Life is too short. Like a lot of people l enjoyed my small chilled Christmas last year. Even if it was my turn to host (it’s not!) then l wouldn’t be. We are meant to be moving house less than a month before Christmas, will have found out IVF outcome, we have both recently started doing different roles at work and l will have exams for a course linked to my job. Plus being honest we can’t be arsed, we are thinking a posh lunch out, a few drinks and some films. People can come out for lunch but there will be no running around after people or hosting. Alternatives if l wasn’t boundaries would include 3 hour round trips (collect and take back relative who can drive and has car but won’t want to), changing our menu (for fussy eater relative), eating lunch early (we eat Christmas dinner late afternoon) etc. Just no!

@FlipFlops4Me spot on, why does MIL get to dictate who is in your house and the guest list?! She sounds rude and very poorly mannered

@Pumpkinsonparade exactly, people need to feel the consequences of their actions

@Angelonagelee

You reap what you sew. If MIL was a nicer person, maybe she would get an invite, but she's not, so stuff her.

This 👆🏻

@NorthSouthcatlady

No, just no. She sounds hard work and she can go to the golden child’s or stay at home with her husband. I’m cringing at your SIL trying to micro manage your husband .

There is a strong whiff of sexism around these Christmas debates, as women are often meant to suck stuff up and make Christmas happen for people they don’t like. Life is too short. Like a lot of people l enjoyed my small chilled Christmas last year. Even if it was my turn to host (it’s not!) then l wouldn’t be. We are meant to be moving house less than a month before Christmas, will have found out IVF outcome, we have both recently started doing different roles at work and l will have exams for a course linked to my job. Plus being honest we can’t be arsed, we are thinking a posh lunch out, a few drinks and some films. People can come out for lunch but there will be no running around after people or hosting. Alternatives if l wasn’t boundaries would include 3 hour round trips (collect and take back relative who can drive and has car but won’t want to), changing our menu (for fussy eater relative), eating lunch early (we eat Christmas dinner late afternoon) etc. Just no!

@FlipFlops4Me spot on, why does MIL get to dictate who is in your house and the guest list?! She sounds rude and very poorly mannered

@Pumpkinsonparade exactly, people need to feel the consequences of their actions

Completely agree.

Far too many women have a miserable Christmas catering to others and not enjoying their own family's as they are run ragged running after ungrateful guests.

Christmas is such a special memory for children and the more relaxed and chilled it is, the better.

Santa is long gone here but my children love the day as it has always been a super relaxed day.

I would only ever have a guest that added enjoyment to the day and was happy to go with the easy flow.

@FlipFlops4Me well done, excellent judgement call.

@Bushkin

It’s coming from BIL & SIL I think, although they could be doing it on MIL’s behalf. They have a tendency to try to manage his relationship with her. Lots of ‘have you called mum this week?’ ‘Have you remembered mums birthday?’ (He’s never forgotten) ‘you should call mum more often’…

He needs to have a word with his siblings to tell them to back off. He has his relationship with his parents, whatever format that takes, he phones his mum or contacts her when he thinks he should and to non one else's timetable and he knows when her birthday is as he's never forgotten so they need to step back from this, as politely as possible.

I agree with the other poster who says that BiL and SiL are the flying monkeys for your MiL.

The wordings suggested for a response (if you think one is necessary) by @JamOrMarmaladeOnToast and @timeisnotaline are both very good and get the point across.

I wouldn't invite her and I'd be telling SIL to mind her own business.

Jamalla - genuine question and I am not being sarky but when you are older and perhaps widowed will you be entirely happy to spend Christmas Day on your own without family? Will you be happy to accept that any grown up children just want to spend Christmas with 'their own little family'? Perhaps you will, and you might volunteer or invite a single friend round?

I do think in this situation that the MIL clearly has a DH so she won't be alone at Christmas ... and I personally would be very happy to spend Christmas Day on my own but it is tricky and I am lucky in my own wider family that we have never had any dramas over invitations.

I cannot understand this mumsnet obsession with a ‘just us’ family Christmas, it’s the season of goodwill for goodness sake. Ok your MIL is annoying, we can all be annoying and often tend to get worse in old age. Swallow it and take it as a family day - in the true sense of the word

You do realise that your kids will take this as how things should be done and leave you on your own in years to come?

@billy1966 I agree Christmas is all about children but my favourite part was family around- even the cranky great uncle who sat in a chair and barked orders.

My best friend always made a beeline for our house because hers was a ‘just us’ Christmas and she always found it so dull.

These type of posts always confuse me a bit, I'm early 50's so conceivably in the age group of the MIL ( and I also am a MIL ) and I would never expect as a matter of course to be invited to any of my DC's Christmases. My DC dont owe me anything.

I wonder why the OP is so over involved in 'managing' her DH's relationship with his family? I would not dream of commenting to my DSIL about when/how often she visited my DM - I would speak direct to my DB if there were any issues.

Likewise if my DH's family tried to involve me in his 'side' of the family I would just refer them back to him.

I had a friend who was totally over invested in her DH's family relationships - she really took it to extremes and he was rather weak and never stood up to her and ended up totally alienated from his own family, to the extent that although they went to the funeral of his DF they didn't even attend the (very informal) 'wake' afterwards ... she used to tell me how 'awful' they were but it was really her attitude that was overbearing.

Honestly, I would say very clearly to DH, if she comes here, I will poison her. It’s not happening. I would also say to SIL, why do you think it’s your job to police everyone else? How about you stay in your own lane and mind your own business?

Sundance I totally agree with you, and am older at 63 but there are clearly a lot of MILs/DMs who do 'expect' an invitation at Christmas. My own DM is nearly 90 but always makes it absolutely clear that she doesn't 'expect' an invite at Christmas... as it is we do include her in our celebrations and are happy to do so. But she is generous and easy going most of the time.

[quote merrygoround51]@billy1966 I agree Christmas is all about children but my favourite part was family around- even the cranky great uncle who sat in a chair and barked orders.

My best friend always made a beeline for our house because hers was a ‘just us’ Christmas and she always found it so dull.[/quote]
No, Christmas isn’t all about children. Some of us don’t have them. Christmas is not less special or meaningful for us because we are childless. DP and I always have a great day together and have made some special memories.

Seeing as she’s not alone at Xmas and you have a strained relationship then I don’t see what people’s issues are here. Why should the OP ruin her/her family’s day just out of some old fashioned idea of ‘duty’ and surely the MIL won’t fully enjoy it either. So what’s the point. Stick to your guns OP, if the SIL has a problem then she can have her again. Personally I would never want to be in the position where my children are bickering about who has to ‘have me’, how depressing!