Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Night out from hell!!! - To be upset with dp

132 replies

Jestle · 31/10/2021 22:22

Me and dp are young newly first time parents. For the second time in over two years we went out out. It was to a party. The party itself was abit of a let down but that's not the main issue. Around 10 I started crashing big time. I've been doing all the night wakes recently and dc gets me up at 5. Dp had managed to drink a crap load and kept coming up to me saying he was so drunk and needed to slow down only for me to find another drink in his hand minutes later.

He then got himself ridiculously drunk which was okay I guess until he decided he wanted to join everyone for some weed. Now, not to drip feed, my dp is an ex drug addict and we have been through hell and back with his drug taking. The last thing he cut out was weed. But I was very stressed during my pregnancy as I was constantly battling him that I didn't want him eating edibles or doing anything anymore when dc got here. Weed and drink would usually end up leading to more for him. Anyways he came clean and he has been fine until that night. I was shocked. Last time we was out he happily declined the offer but this time he accepted and not only that did it right infront of my face. He shared a spliff with eight other people (acting like covid isnt a thing) then eventually I managed to pull him away from the party (very reluctantly) as it was getting on and we had a baby at home. He then spent the whole night throwing up, tossing and turning and burping in my face.

I just felt so upset and disrespected by it all. He turned the night so sour for me. I found his behaviour highly childish and irresponsible. I get that we are young still and it's okay to let your hair down of course. But he had drunk about 10 beers or more, two shots and a cocktail. He was the most drunk person there. I just think he didnt know to get to that point to have fun. I kept reminding him that we have a baby to look after the next day so he had to make sure he could actually get up. Him smoking weed has me worried as well as it has been so long since he has clean but that night has shown me, although it was only a couple of puffs, that he clearly has that tendency there if given enough drinks. So how can I ever trust that if he goes out on a big night out he wont restart everything again?

This just isn't what I need right now. I have so much going on mentally and physically to be then overloaded with this. How did such seemingly such a good night on paper go so wrong.

OP posts:
SoniaFouler · 31/10/2021 22:35

How did a party with that much alcohol and weed available ever sound like a good night on paper in the first place?

SoniaFouler · 31/10/2021 22:36

Did he get up the next morning at least?

TotallySuper · 31/10/2021 22:38

Have my first ever LTB.

Original poster
Jestle · 31/10/2021 22:40

@SoniaFouler there was alot of alcohol because not many people came in the end so the host supplied way more than needed. I didnt know there was going to be weed. I know that the host smoked it but no one smoked last time

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 31/10/2021 22:41

Yes you are right to feel upset, but beating any addiction is tough and there are times when people fall off the wagon. He spent the night throwing up and hopefully feels rough today and hopefully will remember how shit he feels which will help him next time he is tempted.

Strangevipers · 31/10/2021 22:41

Looks like he really let some steam off

Next time your turn minus the drugs of course

If your concerned he will relapse as essentially he has, all you can do is get him to speak to a drug counsellor ASAP and tell him you can't and won't tolerate ANY drugs and if he insists on drinking he needs to do it in moderation and not to the point where he is the drunkest person there as he has responsibilities.

How old are you both OP?

Original poster
Jestle · 31/10/2021 22:42

And yes he did get up. Only because I made sure I didnt get up and he could attend to dc (damn right he should) he chose to ignore me during the party, he kept me there longer than i wanted to which is fine, but keeping me up at night because you are gagging in your sleep is not okay.

OP posts:
nahnahna · 31/10/2021 22:42

You need to surround yourself with people at the same life stage, it's difficult I grant you but we went to a hallowe'en party yesterday with the kids and my friends, there was alcohol but nothing else, we drank a bit but not too much and came home.

With friends who don't have the same responsibility it's hard, perhaps it's too much temptation when there's weed etc around as they don't have to get up in the morning and you guys do.

Having said that I had my ds with a weed smoking loser ex who is exactly the same now 13 years on, dating younger and younger girls, some guys never grow up.

MrsLighthouse · 31/10/2021 22:42

Alcohol is a “gateway” drug ….inhibitions lower and the ability to say “no” lowers too. If he was a drug addict he may wish to look at getting sober too…..especially with you and the baby to think of 😢

Original poster
Jestle · 31/10/2021 22:44

@Strangevipers we both have steam that could do with being let off.

Difference between me and him is that I remembered we had a baby at home to look after. Where as he couldnt of given a flying toss and acted like a 18 year old. I'm all for promoting having a good time. But acting like that is unattractive

OP posts:
spotcheck · 31/10/2021 22:44

I'm wondering if drinking at all is a good idea? It seems to have lowered his defences.

WinoAnon · 31/10/2021 22:45

What's happened since op? Has he shown remorse? Have you discussed the weed? How much does he usually drink?

OverTheRubicon · 31/10/2021 22:45

If he wasn't an ex addict and it was a one off, then I'd probably say it was grim behaviour and he needs to make it up to you, but then leave it - however I'd be worried given his past.

If you do want to stay and make it work, he needs to consider what 'recovery' truly looks like for him, and you need to see if you feel comfortable with that. It's unusual that you see alcohol as more ok than weed, when alcohol causes far more harm and is also - like this time - a high risk to sobriety for other drugs. What were his issues before?

On the other hand, it does also sound very intense. If you have a young baby and you were tired at 10, is there a reason you had to stay? And with only one child, why did you both have to be up early the day after a party? Generally it's better to let at least one person have a sleep in, so long as you can take turns and trust one another (which perhaps you can't).

This sounds like a situation where counselling could really help.

Original poster
Jestle · 31/10/2021 22:46

@nahnahna I totally agree. However we literally only know 1 other person with a child who isnt even the same age bracket as our baby. Its because we are in our early twenties. What you said hit the nail in the head though. It annoyed me that I had to be the one to say we had to go and when I did the host and all our friends kept saying do we have to and then had the cheek to ask if I could at least leave dp behind like he doesnt also have a shared responsibility with me! Its frustrating that they dont understand and today I have felt like utter crap and just pinned over the fact that I really felt like it was not worth the night at all

OP posts:
TopCatsTopHat · 31/10/2021 22:49

No wonder you're upset that sounds horrible. But don't despair it all depends on how he behaves from here.
If he hears how the evening felt to you and recognised it was shit from your pov and accepts you now have reason to worry and sees for himself or was a bad way to use a rare night out, then there is hope this was an ill judged not to be repeated thing.
If on the other hand he makes out you're making a fuss about nothing, thinks it's hilarious that you're now worried and reckons he should go without you next time so he can have an the same fun without the grief about it, then it's a while other situation.
Chose your moment when you're both able to sit and talk and calmly but clearly talk to him about all the stuff you've told us and see what he says/does next.

Good luck.

Original poster
Jestle · 31/10/2021 22:52

@OverTheRubicon oh no I dont think alcohol is okay. Although it is legal so I'm not that against it, however for him it is a gateway into more things. Part of his addiction that he couldnt shake was alcohol. Once he went cold turkey with the drugs alcohol became his new thing that took over. It was so infuriating as he was in the biggest denial over his alcohol addiction but he was constantly drunk. That was years ago now.

But everytime he brings beer home from work I cringe. I try to bite my lip as I know he works hard and want to be okay with him winding down. But its usually everytime he goes to the shops that he comes back with 4.

Again it's hard to say as we have only been out once and he didnt drink hardly anything in comparison to the other day. He still had his wits about him. When goes out with his friends alone its usually only for a couple of hours so again only time for a couple of drinks. Last night stunned me. There was a crate of 20 beers overall and he nearly finished it himself.

OP posts:
PixieLaLa · 31/10/2021 22:52

Maybe it would be better if you went for nights out separately with friends for drinking and more civilised date nights as a couple

Original poster
Jestle · 31/10/2021 22:54

@PixieLaLa then I'd only be turning a blind eye to a potentional start of him relapsing? I'd rather know than not

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 31/10/2021 22:54

I would really hate to live with that level of worry. I'm sure you want to enjoy this early baby days and having to worry about him must be spoiling that.

Lightswitch123 · 31/10/2021 22:54

He sounds awful - like being out with your teenage son

Sorry OP

DriftingBlue · 31/10/2021 22:55

Most ex-addicts can’t handle any drugs. Alcohol counts as a drug. You need to ask him to go back to whatever sobriety program he worked before. If he won’t, you need to start planning on how you are going to protect your child.

OverTheRubicon · 31/10/2021 23:00

Honestly, if you were my DD I'd say to rip off the plaster and just leave now. You don't write the usual disclaimer about how he's a 'lovely guy and great dad', so I'd assume he's not amazing apart from this one thing. If he's anything short of wonderful otherwise, then it is not enough to make it worth being in a relationship with an addict who struggles with sobriety.

If staying is right, then please do contact Relate and get help to build the right communication.
If not, if you leave now, then you'll still be young, and your DC will grow up in likely a better place. I discovered issues in my early twenties but stayed and tried to fix it for the child, which then became the children - and every time it got just good enough for me to stay, for over a dexade. It's a really common pattern - you don't want to lose your twenties and potentially much of your thirties. He fixes himself or you move, soon.

Original poster
Jestle · 31/10/2021 23:00

@DriftingBlue he never seeked professional help. Which is what makes me more so worried that this has never been truly over for him. Not entirely. I wanted to believe that he had this under control all on his own and I guess being in lockdown helped me with that and also helped him. But now life for us is slowly starting to return to normal ( I say slowly because we still have a baby) I'm not liking what I'm seeing

OP posts:
spotcheck · 31/10/2021 23:01

OP
It sounds like he is in denial about his issues.
Are you sure this is the life you want for you and your child?

Nothingfree · 31/10/2021 23:03

LTBHalloween Grin