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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Night out from hell!!! - To be upset with dp

132 replies

Jestle · 31/10/2021 22:22

Me and dp are young newly first time parents. For the second time in over two years we went out out. It was to a party. The party itself was abit of a let down but that's not the main issue. Around 10 I started crashing big time. I've been doing all the night wakes recently and dc gets me up at 5. Dp had managed to drink a crap load and kept coming up to me saying he was so drunk and needed to slow down only for me to find another drink in his hand minutes later.

He then got himself ridiculously drunk which was okay I guess until he decided he wanted to join everyone for some weed. Now, not to drip feed, my dp is an ex drug addict and we have been through hell and back with his drug taking. The last thing he cut out was weed. But I was very stressed during my pregnancy as I was constantly battling him that I didn't want him eating edibles or doing anything anymore when dc got here. Weed and drink would usually end up leading to more for him. Anyways he came clean and he has been fine until that night. I was shocked. Last time we was out he happily declined the offer but this time he accepted and not only that did it right infront of my face. He shared a spliff with eight other people (acting like covid isnt a thing) then eventually I managed to pull him away from the party (very reluctantly) as it was getting on and we had a baby at home. He then spent the whole night throwing up, tossing and turning and burping in my face.

I just felt so upset and disrespected by it all. He turned the night so sour for me. I found his behaviour highly childish and irresponsible. I get that we are young still and it's okay to let your hair down of course. But he had drunk about 10 beers or more, two shots and a cocktail. He was the most drunk person there. I just think he didnt know to get to that point to have fun. I kept reminding him that we have a baby to look after the next day so he had to make sure he could actually get up. Him smoking weed has me worried as well as it has been so long since he has clean but that night has shown me, although it was only a couple of puffs, that he clearly has that tendency there if given enough drinks. So how can I ever trust that if he goes out on a big night out he wont restart everything again?

This just isn't what I need right now. I have so much going on mentally and physically to be then overloaded with this. How did such seemingly such a good night on paper go so wrong.

OP posts:

thepeopleversuswork · 31/10/2021 23:05

Do you mind my asking what he was affected to before OP? You don’t have to answer but that would influence my view somewhat.

It is a worry on the relapse front and particularly because he needs to find ways of letting his hair down once in a while without getting rat-arse pissed.

I think you have to suck it and see for a bit. If it was a one off you might just have to put it down to his coping with the baby etc but I wouldn’t tolerate this becoming a regular thing.

AdaColeman · 31/10/2021 23:06

Sadly, this is what your life will be like. You will always have the worry that he will give way to his addictive personality. So you will always have to be the responsible adult.

thepeopleversuswork · 31/10/2021 23:06

Addicted to not affected to.

OnyxOryx · 31/10/2021 23:07

[quote Jestle]@OverTheRubicon oh no I dont think alcohol is okay. Although it is legal so I'm not that against it, however for him it is a gateway into more things. Part of his addiction that he couldnt shake was alcohol. Once he went cold turkey with the drugs alcohol became his new thing that took over. It was so infuriating as he was in the biggest denial over his alcohol addiction but he was constantly drunk. That was years ago now.

But everytime he brings beer home from work I cringe. I try to bite my lip as I know he works hard and want to be okay with him winding down. But its usually everytime he goes to the shops that he comes back with 4.

Again it's hard to say as we have only been out once and he didnt drink hardly anything in comparison to the other day. He still had his wits about him. When goes out with his friends alone its usually only for a couple of hours so again only time for a couple of drinks. Last night stunned me. There was a crate of 20 beers overall and he nearly finished it himself.[/quote]
That he managed to drink all that and still function the next day makes me wonder about how much he's used to drinking. Start keeping an eye on how much he comes home with and how quickly he drinks it. You say 4 pack when he goes to the shop plus out with friends. So is that 4 daily? Plus friends night out, how often? Because that's a lot.

Original poster

Jestle · 31/10/2021 23:08

@thepeopleversuswork I dont really know a hundred percent. I know he took coke alot and I think heroin. He has dabbled in other things like ketamin ( I think that's what it's called.) But coke was his main addiction

OP posts:

IWishToAnswerInTheAffirmative · 31/10/2021 23:10

Raise your standards and walk away. Your child will thank you.

thepeopleversuswork · 31/10/2021 23:11

OK thanks for answering.

Both are potentially very serious as I am sure you know but heroin in particular is incredibly physically addictive and dangerous. He can’t really afford to drink at all to be honest. He has to choose between you and the baby or that lifestyle. He can’t possibly manage both.

Original poster

Jestle · 31/10/2021 23:14

I think my main concern is that he so openly took weed infront of me, knowing how I feel about it and his past, so it makes me wonder if that's what he would do infront of my face what else would he do behind my back?

If given the opportunity and something heavier was offered would he have taken it?

Also he smoked some cigarettes which I know people would think why is that so bad but he isnt a smoker usually and recently one of my close family relatives was thought to have throat cancer( they were a heavy smoker). This has been within the past month. Luckily they got the all clear but dp knows how I feel about smoking right now and to see him do it for no good reason other than he is drunk is just upsetting to me.

He just has such a lack of control

OP posts:

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 31/10/2021 23:15

[quote Jestle]@thepeopleversuswork I dont really know a hundred percent. I know he took coke alot and I think heroin. He has dabbled in other things like ketamin ( I think that's what it's called.) But coke was his main addiction[/quote]
Did you get tested for hepatitis as soon as you found out?

A heroin user will never admit to shooting up if they think you'll believe that they only ever smoked it.

Babyroobs · 31/10/2021 23:15

@AdaColeman

Sadly, this is what your life will be like. You will always have the worry that he will give way to his addictive personality. So you will always have to be the responsible adult.

Agree with this. You knew what he was like, he was still doing drugs when you chose to have a baby with him. I'm guessing covid and lockdown has limited opportunities for this to happen before now, but he will always be at risk of relapse and you need to decide whether you are willing to live with this.

Original poster

Jestle · 31/10/2021 23:15

@NeverDropYourMoonCup

Dont you get tested for that when pregnant?

OP posts:

Original poster

Jestle · 31/10/2021 23:17

If I leave how can I be sure he is fit around my baby? I'd rather be present and know there is a responsible adult around. If he loses me and dc I think it may derail him. I dont want to worry even more but not be able to protect dc

OP posts:

FrancescaContini · 31/10/2021 23:18

He’s not remotely mature enough to be parenting a baby. It all sounds so joyless for you, and you’re so young. Please walk away.

TheGirlCat · 31/10/2021 23:20

You haven't answered if he showed any remorse. That would be the deciding factor for me.

Original poster

Jestle · 31/10/2021 23:21

@TheGirlCat he has been too hung over , and in and out of sleep, for me to talk to him seriously about it today. I will sit him down tomorrow and see what he says....

OP posts:

Branleuse · 31/10/2021 23:21

Hes still an addict darling. Hes still doing it. You cant fix this one. Its just going to bring chaos to your babys life

whynotwhatknot · 31/10/2021 23:23

hes an alcoholic and drug user-not ex-he hasnt given it up reallyt has he

comes home with beers all the time smokes weed at parties and who knows where else

i think youre being too nice about this he hasnt given it up at all

OverTheRubicon · 31/10/2021 23:25

@Jestle

So many of us have had strategies like this for dealing with our partners with addictions, with anger management issues, or who just don't try hard enough. It doesn't work. You can't protect the DC properly even if you stay, but what you do achieve by staying is teaching your own child that this dynamic and situation is normal. You'll be angry and stressed.too, and almost certainly a worse parent than alone.

You should go to an Al Anon meeting anyway - while you're there, you'll hear from many others who tried this strategy and how it worked out (spoiler - not well).

Sn0tnose · 31/10/2021 23:26

Has he had a complete wake up call and realised what he put at risk last night, that he cannot drink or smoke at all and that he needs to start seeking professional help to stay sober?

If not, and I mean this in the kindest possible way, then your only two options are to either put him first, accept that he’s an addict, he’s never going to be long term sober and this is your life now. If his drinking is excessive and likely to lead to drug taking then you’ll need to include involvement from Social Services and police because, let’s be honest, how many alcoholic coke heads make excellent fathers or provide a calm and stable environment for a child to grow up in? And when your child gets older, you’ll have to deal with the impact that having an addict as a parent has had on them and probably answer some very difficult questions about your choices.

Or, you put you and your child first and leave him now, before he has the chance to cause real damage. A childhood friend grew up with a parent like this. They have had a very difficult life.

TaraR2020 · 31/10/2021 23:27

@OverTheRubicon

If he wasn't an ex addict and it was a one off, then I'd probably say it was grim behaviour and he needs to make it up to you, but then leave it - however I'd be worried given his past.

If you do want to stay and make it work, he needs to consider what 'recovery' truly looks like for him, and you need to see if you feel comfortable with that. It's unusual that you see alcohol as more ok than weed, when alcohol causes far more harm and is also - like this time - a high risk to sobriety for other drugs. What were his issues before?

On the other hand, it does also sound very intense. If you have a young baby and you were tired at 10, is there a reason you had to stay? And with only one child, why did you both have to be up early the day after a party? Generally it's better to let at least one person have a sleep in, so long as you can take turns and trust one another (which perhaps you can't).

This sounds like a situation where counselling could really help.

This with bells on.

With the greatest of sympathy for his addictions and the effort it took him to get clean, albeit briefly, I don't think you should be raising a child with this man. At least not in the same household.

As heartbreaking as it would be, I think you'd be better off ending things sooner than later. I know you don't want to give up on him but you have a baby now.

A solicitor would advise you on how you can protect your child to ensure he doesn't relapse/indulge while looking after them.

You've really got your head screwed on, op, and you come across incredibly strong and wise, you baby is lucky to have you as their mother.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 31/10/2021 23:28

You have one child to deal with, do you really want 2? Is he going to be together enough to ask for contact if you split? To take you to court? You could offer contact at a contact centre, supervised by a sensible friend/relative or rely on assessing him at handover for sobriety. Doesn’t sound like he’d be asking for overnights - too much like hard work.

NicLondon1 · 31/10/2021 23:31

Having a baby is a HUGE life change for anyone. My hubby wasn't an addict, but for several months continued his own life working late, going to the gym, going to the cinema, seeing mates... I really had to sit him down and have a serious chat.
This time of your lives is so stressful, it will push your relationship to its limit... You are sleep deprived and need support.
He needs to take on his fatherhood and husband responsibilities.
A lot of men go a bit over board, they are jn denial at first about this new life change. I'm not saying LTB, but perhaps he needs a strong wake up call?
Really hope he pulls through for you!
(in our case we didn't go out for a night out for almost a year!! Yes it sucked, but your freedoms will slowly return... He prob cannot get that pissed again for a LONG TIME. Like, a decade...! There is a family daytime rave called Big Fish Little Fish which is quite fun and sober for all ages!!! )

Sn0tnose · 31/10/2021 23:32

If I leave how can I be sure he is fit around my baby? I'd rather be present and know there is a responsible adult around You don’t let him within a 100 yards of your baby unless he’s supervised and sober. You need legal advice and support from Al Anon.

If he loses me and dc I think it may derail him He’s already derailing and you and your DC being there isn’t enough to stop him.

Bagamoyo1 · 31/10/2021 23:36

This really doesn’t look good for the future OP. Your DP is only early 20s and already he’s a drug addict and alcoholic, from what you say. And that’s even before all the tough stuff with kids comes along. I’d be making plans to get out of this relationship.

SudokuWillNotSaveYou · 31/10/2021 23:54

@Sn0tnose

If he loses me and dc I think it may derail him He’s already derailing and you and your DC being there isn’t enough to stop him.

This says it with the smallest amount of words. Legal advice and Al Anon will help you find the right tools to ensure he doesn’t look after DC or have custody while relapsing or taking drugs.

And as for derailing… you may have to face the fact that lockdown, not a baby, kept him clean. You say this is only the second night you’ve had out in two years and there was no temptation at the other one. You can’t just keep him from going out for the rest of your lives - it won’t keep him sober, anyway, if he’s determined to use.

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