Night out from hell!!! - To be upset with dp

[Jestle]

Me and dp are young newly first time parents. For the second time in over two years we went out out. It was to a party. The party itself was abit of a let down but that's not the main issue. Around 10 I started crashing big time. I've been doing all the night wakes recently and dc gets me up at 5. Dp had managed to drink a crap load and kept coming up to me saying he was so drunk and needed to slow down only for me to find another drink in his hand minutes later.

He then got himself ridiculously drunk which was okay I guess until he decided he wanted to join everyone for some weed. Now, not to drip feed, my dp is an ex drug addict and we have been through hell and back with his drug taking. The last thing he cut out was weed. But I was very stressed during my pregnancy as I was constantly battling him that I didn't want him eating edibles or doing anything anymore when dc got here. Weed and drink would usually end up leading to more for him. Anyways he came clean and he has been fine until that night. I was shocked. Last time we was out he happily declined the offer but this time he accepted and not only that did it right infront of my face. He shared a spliff with eight other people (acting like covid isnt a thing) then eventually I managed to pull him away from the party (very reluctantly) as it was getting on and we had a baby at home. He then spent the whole night throwing up, tossing and turning and burping in my face.

I just felt so upset and disrespected by it all. He turned the night so sour for me. I found his behaviour highly childish and irresponsible. I get that we are young still and it's okay to let your hair down of course. But he had drunk about 10 beers or more, two shots and a cocktail. He was the most drunk person there. I just think he didnt know to get to that point to have fun. I kept reminding him that we have a baby to look after the next day so he had to make sure he could actually get up. Him smoking weed has me worried as well as it has been so long since he has clean but that night has shown me, although it was only a couple of puffs, that he clearly has that tendency there if given enough drinks. So how can I ever trust that if he goes out on a big night out he wont restart everything again?

This just isn't what I need right now. I have so much going on mentally and physically to be then overloaded with this. How did such seemingly such a good night on paper go so wrong.

@PixieLaLa then I'd only be turning a blind eye to a potentional start of him relapsing? I'd rather know than not

You said he’s drinking every day so I would say he already is relapsing. As difficult as it is you can’t control whether he relapses, only he can. My point was going to a booze filled party with him was never going to end well, you would have had a better night going out with friends or doing something together that didn’t involve drinking.

I don't blame you for being upset, but I can also understand him letting loose, mainly because you are both so young.

Parenthood in early 20's is a lot of responsibility, and some people just are not really able to cope with it. He's simply not mature enough for the situation he is in.

I really think this problem is going to keep surfacing because his maturity level is not going to catch up with the demands of his life for quite some time.

You need to decide if you can live like this or if you are better off breaking up.

If he's an ex drug addict he needs to be completely sober including alcohol too. Drinking alcohol no matter how much will always make him slip back.
Also having those kinds of friends around him won't help either as I'm assuming they know he's an ex addict?

You can't 'save' him from himself. Put your energy into building a life for yourself and your DC.

For me he'd need to make the choice between drink and drugs and his family. I'd guess that sadly he'd choose drink and drugs but if he chooses family then I think you need to really look at your life and change everything.

He needs to stop going to parties with these 'friends', stop going to the pub with friends, stop picking up beer every time he goes to the shop, stop mixing with people who are immature and have no responsibilities. Nobody needs to drink to unwind or get blind drunk to let off steam. If you do then you have bigger issues that you really need to look at.

Instead of all that do things as a couple or as a family. Cook a nice meal together, go out for dinner, go for a walk, take you lo for a day out somewhere. Go to places where you can meet people at the same life stage as you, go to baby groups, baby classes, the park, the library, soft play. It's time for him to grow up or get out.

You can't save anyone from addiction, he can only save himself. Actually, you can save your child by getting them out now before his patterns are marked on them. I am the child of an alcoholic. I am old enough to see the devastation that it wrought - on my mother (like you a good homemaker and kind, sober person) , on my father and on us children. Break the cycle, get your child out. The law will protect you and your child from his behaviour if necessary. If you leave, you give him the opportunity of sobriety and you get a small chance of hope for a good future together. If you stay you may enable his behaviour. Do you have a support system? how strong do you feel? you sound like your child's greatest ally. Don't wish your life away or at least put yourself in a healthy position and wish from there. Look up samantha power and see what her strong mother did for her: she left her alcoholic husband and took her two children to america where she has since practised as a medic (even in her old age, during a pandemic). Love your child enough.

Well it's simple he's too immature to be a responsible parent. He wasn't and isn't mentally ready and you and your DC will potentially suffer sadly. Just because alcohol is available doesn't mean you have to drink it all.... I mean you could sink a ship with booze at a bar but you don't drink it all... Just shows he doesn't care imho. How old is baby?

And yes he did get up. Only because I made sure I didnt get up and he could attend to dc (damn right he should)

You let a stoned man near your baby what's wrong with you?!

Ugh sorry to hear that OP. I don’t know how old he is, but being a ‘young Dad’ is no excuse for being an irresponsible obnoxious Dad. Most people at my school had grown out of weed by age 18, and on the other hand there are plenty of men in their fifties who way drink too much - sensible behaviour isn’t an age thing.

This will keep happening if you keep going to boozy parties where drugs are available. Suggest you try to do more things with other parents of young kids and try to distance yourselves from the druggie crowd.

Where would you go if you left? I think it would be a good idea to very practically plan how you would support yourself and DC alone. Allow your brain to get used to that. Start now because it’s definitely on the cards.
Separately, tell DP in no uncertain terms that this is not how you will live your life. Remain calm, this is not emotional, no pleading or begging or crying. It’s a fact. You will leave (and you will know how). If he sees that you’re serious it may give him the shock he needs. If not, you know what to do.
You could look at leaving him temporarily, with a view to him sorting out his life.
You need to be practical.
Good luck!

He messed up but I think you're being a bit hard on him. It's his second night out in 2 years?

@Bagamoyo1

This really doesn’t look good for the future OP. Your DP is only early 20s and already he’s a drug addict and alcoholic, from what you say. And that’s even before all the tough stuff with kids comes along. I’d be making plans to get out of this relationship.

This.

He's an addict who will drag you down.

Don't let this be your life.

Your poor child.

I think my main concern is that he so openly took weed infront of me, knowing how I feel about it and his past, so it makes me wonder if that's what he would do infront of my face what else would he do behind my back?

This would be it for me. I can’t see a good outcome on this relationship unless he does the proper work for his addictions. And even that I would expect to be done living away from my home if I had a newborn to care for.

Why didn’t you leave the party when you were ready? I’m confused how he could keep you out longer than you wanted to be, unless there was a control element to it. It’s not like you were relying on him for a lift home.

It's his second night out in 2 years?

It’s only the second “test” of his addictions in two years. That seems life a failure to me.

Well I’m not sure why you thought it would be plain sailing having a child with a drug addict. Also think it’s a disgrace you let a clearly still drunk and stoned person mind your child early the next morning while you stayed in bed. He wasn’t fit to care for his poor DC. @Jestle

Echoing a few others here - LTB.

It sounds like your DP/DH has a serious drink/drug condition that's not going to easily get better. An addict that young will find it very hard not to relapse.

Why on earth did you decide to have a baby with such a loser?

@Jestle

What a sad situation you find yourself in.
Yes, you’re still very young but there’s something really important that you both need to understand and accept.

There’s no such thing as an ex-Addict.
He can be an addict in recovery but he will ALWAYS be an ADDICT and at risk of relapsing, for the REST OF HIS LIFE.

Until you both accept this, you’re going to experience a lot of rocky patches whilst you’re together.

He’s going to have to knock the booze on the head too if he doesn’t want to constantly risk a relapse. Is he willing to do this and accept that he must never drink alcohol for the rest of his life?

It’s his choice to take drugs and you can’t do anything to control this situation. You can choose to stay sober too as support for him but it sounds like you both wrongly believe that alcohol is essential for de-stressing, when it really isn’t. The problem is that large swathes of society still supports the idea of relaxation = nightly glass of booze and/or getting slightly drunk/high.

I suggest you attend a support group for partners of addicts to learn more about the potential life ahead of you and if you’re really strong enough as a couple to endure this. If you decide you want to stay together, you need to make a huge effort to find new friends who are more interested in healthy pursuits and not getting trashed.

The amount of alcohol wouldn't bother me actually. It isn't the end of the world to get drunk and so what if one of you has to pick up the slack the next day. It happens. Having a baby shoudn't stop you having the occasional blow out. If it was happening every weekend, I'd be more (extremely) annoyed.

Smoking weed also wouldn't bother me massively except for the fact he's an ex addict. I guess everyone can slip up though.

What is his take on it today?

@Jestle

I think my main concern is that he so openly took weed infront of me, knowing how I feel about it and his past, so it makes me wonder if that's what he would do infront of my face what else would he do behind my back?

If given the opportunity and something heavier was offered would he have taken it?

Also he smoked some cigarettes which I know people would think why is that so bad but he isnt a smoker usually and recently one of my close family relatives was thought to have throat cancer( they were a heavy smoker). This has been within the past month. Luckily they got the all clear but dp knows how I feel about smoking right now and to see him do it for no good reason other than he is drunk is just upsetting to me.

He just has such a lack of control

I couldn't stand my partner telling me what I could and couldn't do constantly. You're annoyed with him getting drunk, annoyed with him smoking weed and annoyed with him smoking. It is probably a huge amount of things you need him to change to make him into a person that you want to be with. Perhaps it is expecting too much and you shouldn't be with him?

@kirinm

I couldn't stand my partner telling me what I could and couldn't do constantly. You're annoyed with him getting drunk, annoyed with him smoking weed and annoyed with him smoking.

Well, that’s a given. Are you a drug addict/alcoholic in recovery?
Did you miss all the posts from the OP explaining that her DP has admitted to being a drug addict and taking cocaine in the past?

I think you’ll find that this changes the dynamics in a relationship pretty considerably and the OP is hoping that by showing her disproval, it will make her DP mend his ways because she needs him to be a good partner and involved father to their child.

Unfortunately, the more experienced posters know that whatever she says or does won’t work long term and that her DP needs to seek external help to deal with his addictions.

@BoredZelda

It's his second night out in 2 years?

It’s only the second “test” of his addictions in two years. That seems life a failure to me.

Not really. He's in his early 20s, probably quite stressed from the responsibility of being a new parent, he got really drunk and took a few puffs on a spliff that his friends were sharing round. He hardly had a three day cocaine bender did he. If it were my partner, I'd be temporarily pissed off but I wouldn't start freaking out that he's going to suddenly become an uninvolved dad. I think it's all a bit of an over reaction.

Now, not to drip feed, my dp is an ex drug addict

No, he isn’t. No one is ever an ex drug addict. They’re always an addict, whether using or not. Your DP was clean for a while, so he was an ex drug user, now he has relapsed, he’s a drug user. He’s been an addict the whole time and will be all his life.

@OtterAndDog did you miss the part where he has only been clean for two years and has had a 6/7 year drug addiction. I wouldn't call it an over reaction. I'm being cautious given the nature of his history, it hasnt been that long for me to feel fully confident in his recovery yet given he hasnt even had a chance to actually properly go out his behaviour when he does will be telling on how well his recovery has actually gone and if he is going to stay true to it

[quote Jestle]@OtterAndDog did you miss the part where he has only been clean for two years and has had a 6/7 year drug addiction. I wouldn't call it an over reaction. I'm being cautious given the nature of his history, it hasnt been that long for me to feel fully confident in his recovery yet given he hasnt even had a chance to actually properly go out his behaviour when he does will be telling on how well his recovery has actually gone and if he is going to stay true to it[/quote]
You said he's in his early 20's - so 2 years clean and a 6/7 year habit means he started using at 13yo? 😕

Thanks everyone for the insight and advice.

Firs thing - as people have rightly pointed out I should of never allowed him to take on board looking after dc the next day. I foolishly assumed since he had about 6 hours sleep and threw up most of the alcohol from his system that he wouldnt be drunk. He wasnt incoherent or stumbling around at the party. But I've noted that was a stupid idea on my behalf and wont be doing that again. Thanks for that. It's never worth the chs chance.

Second of all - to those who say I'm controlling. That is NOT what I want to be. And this is why hesitant on when and how to approach this. I dont want to come across demanding or controlling. If I do he will just shut down. As I said before he was in major denial that his alcohol intake was excessive and bad. The more I pressed the more he deflected. I want todays conversation to be positive and productive, not a nag. Any pointers on that is truly appreciated!

I think what people fail to realise is that even in my op I said it is okay to let loose. Of course! We are only young and we have had it hard. However, given I had a traumatic birth and could of very much so died/ or my baby that day you dont see me needing to drink by the dozen. You can still have a good time without needing to get yourself to the point where you cant keep your stomach contents down. It's just not necessary, and even if that's what you want we had a baby to look after! It's not like he went on a night out on his own, we was meant to go out for a nice night together and enjoy the following day together. Instead he sat like a zombie on the sofa all day in and out of consciousness.

Thirdly, I've never approved of drug taking. Dp knew this when we got together and actually hid his drug taking for a long while into us dating. Then when he finally told me he down played it MAJORLY. He made it sound like a thing of the past and how foolish I was to believe it. He liked the fact I didnt like drugs. All his friends pretty much take the stuff so he is surrounded by it. He said being with me and then having our dc has helped him massively, coupled with his already drive to get clean. His lifestyle has changed since us. However when he does go meet these friends of course he is exposed to it. They dont have kids, they still hardcore party and take drugs on a daily. But what can I do about that? Telling him to take a back from all of his friends will only send me down the route of controlling which is what I dont want. But clearly last night demonstrated I cant trust him around these friends.

I know some pps are saying it's only weed. But its not only just "weed". Weed was a big thing when I was pregnant as it was the last thing he had to shake. I laid my feet firmly on the ground about my expectations for me and dc. I did not want him stones majority of the time. we had horrible arguments about it. It was so stressful. But he said he was done. So for him to take it again, and so boldly infront of me like that, was a big slap to the face.

Just because we are early twenties doesnt excuse him just being "young and dumb". We have a baby now. We are parents. Yes we are young but we have to make changes. And I cant be dealing with the stress or trying to recover from my birth, adjusting to our baby and constantly looking over my shoulder because of him.