Night out from hell!!! - To be upset with dp

[Jestle]

Me and dp are young newly first time parents. For the second time in over two years we went out out. It was to a party. The party itself was abit of a let down but that's not the main issue. Around 10 I started crashing big time. I've been doing all the night wakes recently and dc gets me up at 5. Dp had managed to drink a crap load and kept coming up to me saying he was so drunk and needed to slow down only for me to find another drink in his hand minutes later.

He then got himself ridiculously drunk which was okay I guess until he decided he wanted to join everyone for some weed. Now, not to drip feed, my dp is an ex drug addict and we have been through hell and back with his drug taking. The last thing he cut out was weed. But I was very stressed during my pregnancy as I was constantly battling him that I didn't want him eating edibles or doing anything anymore when dc got here. Weed and drink would usually end up leading to more for him. Anyways he came clean and he has been fine until that night. I was shocked. Last time we was out he happily declined the offer but this time he accepted and not only that did it right infront of my face. He shared a spliff with eight other people (acting like covid isnt a thing) then eventually I managed to pull him away from the party (very reluctantly) as it was getting on and we had a baby at home. He then spent the whole night throwing up, tossing and turning and burping in my face.

I just felt so upset and disrespected by it all. He turned the night so sour for me. I found his behaviour highly childish and irresponsible. I get that we are young still and it's okay to let your hair down of course. But he had drunk about 10 beers or more, two shots and a cocktail. He was the most drunk person there. I just think he didnt know to get to that point to have fun. I kept reminding him that we have a baby to look after the next day so he had to make sure he could actually get up. Him smoking weed has me worried as well as it has been so long since he has clean but that night has shown me, although it was only a couple of puffs, that he clearly has that tendency there if given enough drinks. So how can I ever trust that if he goes out on a big night out he wont restart everything again?

This just isn't what I need right now. I have so much going on mentally and physically to be then overloaded with this. How did such seemingly such a good night on paper go so wrong.

Save yourself a lot of heartache and get yourself out of this farce. He disrespected you publicly and he gave zero thought to the baby that depends on proper care to survive. He was irresponsible and thoughtless. You sound like a mature and sensible person. I feel like you need more than this. Don't lower your standards, get someone who will rise up to yours.

@Jestle

And yes he did get up. Only because I made sure I didnt get up and he could attend to dc (damn right he should) he chose to ignore me during the party, he kept me there longer than i wanted to which is fine, but keeping me up at night because you are gagging in your sleep is not okay.

No it's not OK and I understand that you were upset with him. However given the amount of alcohol you said he had consumed, he would still have been drunk the next morning, and you making someone who is drunk look after a baby is not okay either

If he's drinking he's not sober. An addict with a drink in them has lost their ability to say no to drugs, so is unlikely to stay clean for long either. IME the only way is to be clean AND sober. And that should be the basic requirement to start being in your or your DC's life. The only alcoholics and addicts in my DC lives are the clean and sober ones. I don't judge people for being in the grip of it, I wish them all a joyful recovery, but I won't have my DC exposed to that kind of chaos. Obviously you need to work out what your own boundary is, but I have been in your shoes and I wish I had left at the first whiff of weed smoke.

He is not an ex addict recovering yes never ex in recovery always. Most recovering drug addicts cant drink either because once an addict you cant help yourself you usually just become addicted to something else. You should probably leave
and not saying this to point the finger but making him get up and attend to baby was really risky he probably still had alcohol in his system you were angry yes but sorry that was risk to a baby.

I wouldn't have gone out anywhere, with someone who seems to be immature, and has tendencies to drink too much, and smoke weed. Not to mention caring for a baby at home later

There’s no such thing as an ex addict. Only ever recovering.

You're in a horrible situation. Good on you for making him get up, but please be careful having someone who got wrecked on drink and drugs a few hours prior to looking after your baby. I hope you can find a way to sort it but you deserve someone who is stepping up and joining you at the plate. He needs to address what he did, if he's a previous addict he should definitely be walking away if offered drugs, it can be a slippery slope for anyone, let alone some with a prior addiction. Good luck and I hope you're ok.

As a pp said, you sound like an incredibly strong and fantastic Mum who will always put her child first. I hope you are asleep now - you defonitely need and deserve it. So please, when you have had a chance to have a real talk with your partner can you come back and tell us what he said, and what assurances he was able to give you. That is when we can hopefully give you our best advice for both you and your baby. This sounds a bit horrible, but when he is talking to you can you try please to keep it in your mind to ask yourself (not him) if you think he is being completely honest with you.

Part of his addiction that he couldnt shake was alcohol. Once he went cold turkey with the drugs alcohol became his new thing that took over.

The addiction is the issue, not the drug of choice. He's still using and your choice really is to walk away. Maybe he'll get help, maybe he won't.

whatever possessed you to get involved and have a child with this guy in the first place??
A drug addict or ex drug addict is never a good catch and god help the poor child growing up with a father like that as the temption to use drugs again will forever be there as drugs are so readily available these days. you will waste years of your life trying to keep him away from the drugs. I can honestly never understand young women who want to be involved with a guy like that. If this guy really has no good qualities then please leave for your own wellbeing as well as your child's.

@MrsTerryPratchett

Part of his addiction that he couldnt shake was alcohol. Once he went cold turkey with the drugs alcohol became his new thing that took over.

The addiction is the issue, not the drug of choice. He's still using and your choice really is to walk away. Maybe he'll get help, maybe he won't.

It really is this. He's not in recovery if he's still drinking, he's an addict, he shouldn't be using anything. It will always be like this until he recognises it and gets into a program. This is not your responsibility, you and your child are.

You sound very switched on OP, you need to contact Al Anon. They will give you all the advice and support you need to make some decisions, for you.

He needs to help himself (if he wants to).

Run and don't look back.

If you do some searches on mumsnet for children of alcoholics and addicts, you will find thread after thread of people explaining the damage (usually lifelong damage) caused by their upbringing.
It might help you to read some of their experiences and then decide whether your partner is honestly someone you want to raise your child with.

Maybe he needs to see.someo e or join a support group to keep things in check. It would worry me too.

What sort of age range are we talking op?

18-20?
20-25?
25-30?

Sounds like alcohol may be the substance he needs to finally kick out of his life.
Just because it is legal doesn't mean it is any less harmful than many other drugs.

I am absolutely amazed that you let him come home with you, and I am amazed that you let him get up at 5 with your DS. I am so sorry for what you are going through but you need to stop throwing good money after bad and leave. He is never going to get better, he will only get worse. Being young isn’t an excuse at all, and you can’t have a drug addict and an alcoholic (it sounds like) around your child.

OP, you leaving won't derail him, because he's not really on the rails in the first place.
He drinks a lot (doubtless more than you know about), and will do drugs when they are available. Does that sound like someone you want to be with long term?

Have you got Inclusion in your area? They are amazing, but obv will only work with your DH if he is in a place that he wants to reduce the alcohol. Usually though if you call them they will link you up with some kind of family support link that you yourself can get support through and advice on how to set boundaries and communicate around this stuff. Hope you are doing ok

You let him get up with your child even though you knew he’d still be full of drink and drugs?

@Jestle You sound level-headed and sensible. Think you have hit the nail on the head regarding life returning to ‘normal’ and you seeing the ‘real’ him. I think you are going to need to be very clear in your own head what you won’t tolerate and communicate that to him very clearly too. Be clear that if there’s a repeat you and DC are out. And follow it through.

It may be that you have already reached your threshold in which case that’s fine too.

He sounds immature. You know your boundaries. Make sure he knows them too. Stick to them.

Loads of people on here with say LTB because of the drugs, mumsnet seems to be very anti drugs 😬. Of course it’s worrying if he is a ex addict but weed is very different to coke and less addictive than alcohol. Just because someone is a ex addict it doesn’t necessarily mean having a spliff is going to turn them back into a coke addict.

It sounds like he over did the alcohol and then joined in with the people who were doing weed? If it’s a one off I would just tell him how you feel and hope it doesn’t happen often. I think it’s ok to let your hair down occasionally. I took drugs when younger, mainly weed, very occasionally coke but once I had dd1 (I was 20) I stopped but did smoke weed at one social event, it didn’t make me want to go back to it, in fact I haven’t done it since and I’m now almost 40. I don’t drink but have nothing against people doing weed occasionally and wouldn’t turn it down at a party (I just don’t go out much now 🤣).

I’m sure you know him well better than anyone in on here so you know deep down what his future may hold, wether he can be trusted with drugs and alcohol? Maybe go out separately, I think it always feel awkward when one of you is getting shit faced whilst the other is trysting to remain sensible.

Op he sounds like an addict. he also sounds like a teenager - irresponsible and petulant. He treated you very badly I'm afraid . Hope you find some answers.

You have chosen a loser to be the father of your child

Admit that to yourself first. It’s not too late to put that mistake right.

Been there done it and worn the shirt. It doesn't get better, you never trust them again which brings a whole host of ther issues. I left and it still breaks my heart to this day but I never had any doubts it was the right thing to do.