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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just be utterly done with driving

127 replies

Iusedtobecarmen · 31/10/2021 14:49

Posted about my driving anxiety before
Late learner

Never really enjoyed it. Passed 2 years ago and I've been a very limited driver since really.
I've had CBT, even a bit of hypnotherapy.
Gradually I've gained a bit of confidence.

Driving a a bit more without the usual overthinking .
Friday I was quite chuffed as I did quite a few errandsSmile
In the past I've scraped the car reversing and parking by my house
Scratched it on the gate and wall.
Nothing major just cosmetic.
This was probably a year ago.
I'd got over that.

Yesterday I reversed off the drive(I'm never normally in this position tbh) it was torrential rain and dark. Dh car was parked a little bit over the drive. He said plenty of room to get out.
I shouldnt have attempted it as I had to reverse at a funny angle.
I felt a slight bump as I pranged his car.
His car is fine but mine has a dent.
I could weep.
My car is small and should be a doddle to manoeuvre. It was perfect when I bought it. Now its got scratches and a dent.
DH looked at me like I'd run someone over. Which really has not helped one bit. Also not helped that he is a super confident and very experienced driver.
I feel like just calling it a day.
Half if me thinks I need more lessons. But I'm so bloody busy. I had loads whilst learning. I felt all I needed was practice not more teaching. I had some refresher lessons when I passed as well.
Most people don't have extra lessons do they?they just get straight out and drive!!

I messaged my friend this morning who said it's no big deal everyone has bumps.
Please be kind. I'm feeling fragile

OP posts:
Autumnscene · 31/10/2021 19:42

It’s so useful being able to drive, I think you just need more practice.

moita · 31/10/2021 19:48

OP. I learnt at 26 and almost gave up because of my anxiety. I'm so glad I didn't. I'm 35 now, live in the countryside in my dream house and can drive my kids to school, my daughter to her many hospital appointments and both of them to parties etc etc.

Please don't give up on an essential life skill for many people due to small accidents

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 31/10/2021 19:50

If it makes you feel any better op, l have been driving 25 years and still do stupid things sometimes.
Few years ago, l was driving my sister's car as dh needed ours. When l reversed it back onto the drive, forgot she didn't have sensors and banged it into ours. I felt a bit of resistance but ignored it so tried again, not realising l was damaging my own car repeatedly!! What a div!
But nobody died and at the end of the day, it is only a car and you just need a bit more practise to build up your confidence

garlictwist · 31/10/2021 19:55

My car has three huge dents in the side where I misjudged my proximity to a drystone wall driving down a really steep hill and smacked into it.

It would cost more than the car's worth to repair so I've just left it. No one was hurt, it's just a car. Don't worry about it.

Thefartingsofaofdenmarkstreet · 31/10/2021 20:05

Why do MN driving threads always bring out such utter cunts?

I agree with others OP that the best way to overcome it is to just keep doing it and keep practising. I know this from experience, the more you don't do it the worse it gets.

icedcoffees · 31/10/2021 20:07

@Thefartingsofaofdenmarkstreet

Why do MN driving threads always bring out such utter cunts?

I agree with others OP that the best way to overcome it is to just keep doing it and keep practising. I know this from experience, the more you don't do it the worse it gets.

Because some people like to think they're superior to others...
Cofifeefee · 31/10/2021 20:07

I am a very confident driver, have been driving more than 20 years and I love driving.

In that time I have:

  • reversed into my neighbour's bins
  • ripped the bottom of my car off my own kerb (which I had reversed out of a thousand times)
  • reversed into a parked car in a carpark at full speed
  • scraped the side of my car off a wall while driving forwards
  • reversed into a pole in my local petrol station

and I know that I could have a little tip or a major accident any time I get in the car.

It's only a car, I pay insurance and thankfully I have always been able to say "at least no one was hurt".

To me, driving is independence. Growing up, I knew several women that couldn't drive and relied on their husbands to drive them everywhere. I couldn't bear that, I love being able to decide I want to go somewhere and just get in my car and go.

Original poster
Iusedtobecarmen · 31/10/2021 20:08

Thanks everyone so much
Lots to take on board. I will answer a few points.
I drive an automatic already
Have reverse sensors(embarssingly)
Eyesight is ok
Maybe I don't use my mirrors very effectively or enough.
I do drop them sometimes when I park, or to check I'm in properly.
I was getting better. I honestly have driven more in the last 6 months than since I passed and got the car.
I dont mither the night before so much or at all.
A d Ive started to see quite how bad others are too. For instance, 2 big roundabouts by me and every time without fail someone is in the wrong lane next to me and cuts across me.

Push myself a bit but I've never been on a proper long journey at all.
Never been on a motorway (but I'm fine with that)
I should have reversed on the drive. Usually though, I dont park on the drive at all
And manoeuvres are definitely a weakness.
My street is horrendously busy
Reversing on the drive with an almost certain queue of traffic would be awful.
The odd occasion i park on the drive ,I drive on and reverse off which is generally fine.
I'm happy to get back in the saddle so to speak, but I see threads on here which say stop driving before you cause an accident!!! Its making me think it's a bloody sign.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iusedtobecarmen · 31/10/2021 20:18

I think DH is understanding. Or was. Hes just sick of hearing about it after 2 yrs.
I dont rely on him for lifts at all. Never have even before driving.
Only time he drives is if we go on holiday and we would need a bigger car anyway.
I did initially offer to go on his insurance but he didnt seem keen so I left it.He says he doeant mind driving. I wouldn't drive his car now if he paid me!!!

OP posts:
AlbertBridge · 31/10/2021 20:22

I passed my test (first time!) in my 30s. Spent the next year banging my beloved car into everything: a car-park pillar; a neighbour's brand new Audi; a Jaguar that made the mistake of parking next to my car door; everything. Fifteen years on I still have that same beloved car and I've stopped banging into stuff.

AlbertBridge · 31/10/2021 20:25

Oh, and just once please try reversing into your drive when it's busy. We call it "parking under pressure": for some weird reason I usually park like a BOSS when there are other people about. I'm crap when it's just me.

I once drive into London and had to parallel park on a reallllllly busy road. Honestly, I swept into the space like a stuntman. I think it's the adrenaline.

AlbertBridge · 31/10/2021 20:27

And it's definitely 100% your DH who's knocking your confidence. I fall to pieces when I have someone judgey in my car. I need to feel someone else's confidence.

My first (I was 17) driving instructor was clearly terrified and it put me off for years. My second instructor was calm and laid back all the time and it filled ME with confidence.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 31/10/2021 20:29

@Thefartingsofaofdenmarkstreet

Why do MN driving threads always bring out such utter cunts?

I agree with others OP that the best way to overcome it is to just keep doing it and keep practising. I know this from experience, the more you don't do it the worse it gets.

Probably because some of us have been on the receiving end of the consequences when those inadequate and overconfident drivers continue on the roads with their ton or so of metal.

Call me a cunt all you like - I'm a cunt who was fucking lucky to walk out of hospital with a fracture of the second cervical vertebrae and only the inability to feel anything along the outer side of my left hand and forearm and took fifteen years to be able to stand on one leg without falling over. Still can't do that and put a sock on, though. But I could sit down and pull a pair of tights on for my brother's funeral when he was killed by an inattentive driver on a zebra crossing.

Lifeisforalimitedperiodonly · 31/10/2021 20:31

My daughter was not confident. We got her a little mini automatic and my husband fitted reversing sensors. It's changed her experience of driving completely.

Couldhavebeenme3 · 31/10/2021 20:31

YABU op. If you're so nervous reversing off your own drive, you are a dangerous liability. Please quit.

ViceLikeBlip · 31/10/2021 20:36

I passed my test first time when I was 17. I was fucking awful at reversing for years! Reversing sensors have been a total game changer for me - I drive an enormous mpv now, and I can reverse it anywhere.

Don't give up. I don't imagine any man has ever given up driving just because he scraped his car.

Speakuptomakeyourselfheard · 31/10/2021 20:38

I think from what you've just posted OP that you might benefit from doing a long journey. I realise doing it just for the practice isn't very economical, but could you perhaps plan a day out for yourself to a new shopping centre, or activity that you enjoy, ie, if you're a keen gardener decide to visit a special garden a long distance away. Short journeys don't really give you enough time to get comfortable behind the wheel, where if you're driving for an hour or two, you'll gradually find yourself relaxing more. I'd also second what another poster said - take yourself to a large carpark when it's quiet, and practice reversing into spaces. Take your time, and do it over and over, looking in that reversing camera so that you stop before you hit anything like a bollard or whatever that might be behind you. Use your mirrors, that's what they're there for.

LannieDuck · 31/10/2021 20:41

When I passed my test, I went on to do a course called Pass Plus. A driving instructor took me on a motorway, around country lanes, driving at night etc. Might help your confidence?

www.gov.uk/pass-plus

19lottie82 · 31/10/2021 20:44

Honestly OP, you’re not abnormal. I passed in my late 20s (11 years ago), and although I would count myself as a good driver now, in the first could of years I had a good few bumps and scrapes with inanimate objects!

As someone else suggested, do you have parking sensors fitted? If not then look into that? They should be

DinkyDiggies · 31/10/2021 20:46

Ah, easy done, and very usual in first few years.
I was pretty crap (many dents and more.. too)for several years after passing my test. I hope almost 30 years on, I’m a lot better.
DHs/DPs have a way of making you feel small. I’d never drive any of ‘his cars, as knew I’d be so worried about ‘making a mistake’ that I would do something ridiculous.
My advice is get something like I used to have - a little Honda that had auto gearbox, cameras and sensors; then practice with them until you are confident that you know exactly the distance you are from anything at any given point.
It’s said (and for a good reason) you only really start learning once you have passed your test.

AcrossthePond55 · 31/10/2021 20:47

Shit (and dents) happen. I daresay there isn't a driver anywhere who hasn't put a dent in their own (or someone else's car). Don't let that stop you from driving. It's an important skill and one that gives us true independence.

I've been driving for 50 years in a real 'car culture' area. Grew up driving the LA freeways as well as winding mountain and canyon roads, so I'm pretty confident in just about any situation. But I do believe in knowing one's own limits and either sticking with them or trying to 'stretch them' slowly. As I'm now older, I try not to drive at dawn & dusk as my depth perception isn't what it was during those hours. I try not to have to parallel park or back out into traffic. I'll park further and walk rather than that. But I have no fear of 7 lane freeways and multiple interchanges. Know your strengths and weaknesses.

So if there are things about driving that you feel you 'lack skill' with then either work slowly to improve or try not to put yourself in those situations as much as possible.

JudgeJ · 31/10/2021 20:56

@Ilikewinter

Are you confident when you are driving on the road? , if not then you should quit.
This. I get really worried about how many people on the site seem determined to recklessly inflict their incompetence on others! If you're not a confident driver then you're a dangerous one, both to yourself and, more importantly, to other road users! Ask yourself, if you were having brain surgery would you want someone doing it who is not really confident or even maybe took their exams a dozen times? Driving is a skill, it's not for everyone, I would love to go deep-sea diving but I couldn't manage it.
icedcoffees · 31/10/2021 20:56

@NeverDropYourMooncup I'm so sorry about your brother and your own accident.

But we're not talking about dangerous crashes here, more accidental bumps and scrapes that can happen to anyone regardless of how careful a driver they are.

Alfiemoon1 · 31/10/2021 20:58

These things happen I’ve scraped the side of my car on the gate post as it was dark and a funny angle

My next door neighbour who has a Range Rover with parking sensors and cameras etc reversed into the neighbours opposites car reversing out of the drive and he’s a pilot for a living lol

DinkyDiggies · 31/10/2021 20:58

Also, if you aren’t sure about yourself, something like an ‘experienced driver assessment’ could help you make a decision.
It says it’s pressure free, no pass/fail and I wouldn’t be surprised if you find you are better than what you think.
blog.motoringassist.com/driving-tips-and-advice/general-driving-tips/gem-driver-assessment/