To just be utterly done with driving

[Iusedtobecarmen]

Posted about my driving anxiety before
Late learner

Never really enjoyed it. Passed 2 years ago and I've been a very limited driver since really.
I've had CBT, even a bit of hypnotherapy.
Gradually I've gained a bit of confidence.

Driving a a bit more without the usual overthinking .
Friday I was quite chuffed as I did quite a few errands
In the past I've scraped the car reversing and parking by my house
Scratched it on the gate and wall.
Nothing major just cosmetic.
This was probably a year ago.
I'd got over that.

Yesterday I reversed off the drive(I'm never normally in this position tbh) it was torrential rain and dark. Dh car was parked a little bit over the drive. He said plenty of room to get out.
I shouldnt have attempted it as I had to reverse at a funny angle.
I felt a slight bump as I pranged his car.
His car is fine but mine has a dent.
I could weep.
My car is small and should be a doddle to manoeuvre. It was perfect when I bought it. Now its got scratches and a dent.
DH looked at me like I'd run someone over. Which really has not helped one bit. Also not helped that he is a super confident and very experienced driver.
I feel like just calling it a day.
Half if me thinks I need more lessons. But I'm so bloody busy. I had loads whilst learning. I felt all I needed was practice not more teaching. I had some refresher lessons when I passed as well.
Most people don't have extra lessons do they?they just get straight out and drive!!

I messaged my friend this morning who said it's no big deal everyone has bumps.
Please be kind. I'm feeling fragile

You might benefit from reverse sensors ( but then I find it's hard to drive without them once you have them).

Also there is no need to do anything your not comfortable with. Like driving in the dark in heavy rain. All that comes with more confidence. Get Judy dh to reverse the car in the rain and the dark onto the road.

When I was 18 at college i sometimes got other students to reverse me out if i was faced downwards on a hill tightly boxed in.

It all comes with time. But it takes time.

Look for ROSPA groups in your area. Free training in advanced driving and won't set you on edge like sitting with your DH in the passenger seat

Honestly it does get better. I passed my test late at 35. I've been driving 10 years now. To start with I couldn't go anywhere without being nervous. Every journey was preplanned and an effort. Within 4 weeks of passing I drove into someone, fortunately at low speed, but completely my fault. It was at least 2 years before I got into car willingly, and without an impending sense of doom. Now I'm absolutely fine. I drive about 400 miles a week. M25, through London without a second thought. The only thing that phases me slightly now is difficult parking. I'll quite often part down the road from my house rather than parallel into the space outside 🤣. If you hate it that much there's no shame in stopping, but if you can, force yourself to keep going. It's such a useful thing to be able to do.

Ok, now a lot of people think that once you've finished your lessons you have learnt to drive. You haven't. You have learnt to operate the car in a basic and safe manner.

You don't start learning to drive until you get out on the road in the time after your test.

As others have said, take your time. You will build confidence up as you go.

Another suggestion maybe to do an advanced driving course. This is with a much more experienced driver who may well be able to give you more confidence.

I know you worry about the battle scars on your car. Don't. It's all a part of the learning as said above :)

I'm going to disagree with some drivers here who say to avoid the dark/rain/new roads etc. All that means is you will develop anxiety around driving in those conditions and not be able to do it, which is extremely limiting and will only give you more anxiety over the years. It's best to face your fears/get extra lessons.

Don't give up completely. It sounds as if this time was down to you being pressured into a manoeuvre you weren't confident about, and it's a pity your DH isn't more understanding. Like you, I'll park at the far end of the supermarket car park rather than try and get into a tight space, and that's okay.

I don't have a lot of need to drive, and passed my test at 40. I'd been getting a lift once a week to a hobby, and I was lucky that the chap who'd been giving me a lift was happy to switch to me doing all the driving to give me regular practice - and he was very encouraging and supportive. DH ditto. "Plenty of room" is just not helpful.

Can you find a supportive friend who would like a lift to something you're doing anyway, so you can get some extra practice in with someone to encourage you?

You just need to drive more. I was you once. Now I can reverse a truck round bends and tow a huge caravan. It is literally just practise. You sound like you don’t know how to use your mirrors confidently. Obviously dh is shit loads better - he has done way more.

My DH is the same, he drives a lot for work and so he just jumps in his car without a second thought and goes wherever, I'm not a nervous driver I enjoy driving, but I find his comments off putting and annoying. It sounds like you know what you're comfortable with, ie you knew you weren't keen on reversing out; the only real issue is that obviously we can plan all we like but stuff happens and we have to react quickly, and it could be something you're not comfortable with.

If it wouldn't make any odds to you not driving then I wouldn't force it, but if it enhances your life it sounds like you'd benefit mostly from building your confidence- either through making yourself drive consistently, or a course of some kind. The car also makes a difference, one with rear sensors and camera would be better probably, and stuff like hill start assist etc.

@Receptionclass

I'm going to disagree with some drivers here who say to avoid the dark/rain/new roads etc. All that means is you will develop anxiety around driving in those conditions and not be able to do it, which is extremely limiting and will only give you more anxiety over the years. It's best to face your fears/get extra lessons.

Yes also this, just after I passed my test I got a job with a horrible commute, but it was good as it made me get out there and drive at rush hour on country roads and the motorway.

I learned to drive relatively late (in my early 30s). In the first couple of years after I passed I was quite nervous, especially with manoeuvres like parking. We had an awkward shared driveway and sometimes asked my husband to get my car in/out of the garage. When out and about I would (like you) only park in large gaps away from other cars.

My confidence only improved when I started to drive more regularly. I began driving to work - and I got divorced and moved to a flat with on-street parking where there only option every single day was to manoeuvre in and out of really tight spaces. So it quite quickly just became second nature.

I got a new car recently but before that I'd never had a reversing camera. A camera would probably help in general, but not that much in the poor conditions you mention, when it's dark and wet.

IMO you don't need more lessons, you just need more driving experience to build your confidence. You also need the confidence to say if you don't think you can do something, i.e. nope DH I can't get out of that space, please move your car.

@Receptionclass

I'm going to disagree with some drivers here who say to avoid the dark/rain/new roads etc. All that means is you will develop anxiety around driving in those conditions and not be able to do it, which is extremely limiting and will only give you more anxiety over the years. It's best to face your fears/get extra lessons.

Agreed. If you can drive in sunshine then you can drive in pouring rain in the dark. Feel free to stay clear of ice, but don't avoid stuff just because you're a bit scared.

Also not helped that he is a super confident and very experienced driver.
So play catch-up, and drive more. You appear to have a massive lack of confidence. Feel the fear and do it anyway, etc etc.

Is it the actual driving you’re nervous about or parking?

Like most things the more you practice the easier it gets.

Not long after I passed I had to drive on the motorway and ever since I will happily drive literally anywhere. If I am going across country I get excited that I will be driving.
However parallel or reverse parking was something I hated! I used to avoid it and the more I avoided it the harder it got. So I just kept practising and although I’m not fully confident yet I am able to do it much better now.

@SweetBabyCheeses99

It sounds to me like you were lucky to pass at all and that you’re perhaps just not blessed with any spatial awareness. That’s fine, it’s not for everyone. I think you’d be better off giving up as if you crash into strangers cars then it’s going to start getting expensive!

I’m with @SweetBabyCheeses99. I’m horrified at all the ‘it happens to lots of people responses’ WTH?!

Reversing into a space is easier than reversing out.

I'm a very very confident driver. No idea why but I did have a teenage hood of joy riding on a Friday night was the done thing so it's probably that. I banged my first car so many times. Even a couple of years ago I reversed into my friends garage just take it on the chin and move on.

I also had bumps on the school run and once sent someone's wheelie bin flying

It sounds like a big part of the problem is your DH and his complete lack of support. If he makes a big deal of every tiny scrape it's no wonder you are a bundle of nerves. Maybe a chat with him about his attitude would help?

@SweetBabyCheeses99

It sounds to me like you were lucky to pass at all and that you’re perhaps just not blessed with any spatial awareness. That’s fine, it’s not for everyone. I think you’d be better off giving up as if you crash into strangers cars then it’s going to start getting expensive!

This isn't really good advice though is it. If someone doesn't drive often or far and is limited in where they go obviously it's going to take longer to gain confidence.

The saying practice makes perfect was created for a reason.

If OP had said she'd been driving for 10 years and still making basic errors then maybe her place on the road might be a bit more questionable.

But a few scratches and dents? That's the whole reason why peoples first car is usually a banger and not a sports car for the very reason that it's envisaged that it may get bashed about a bit.

Just keep practicing when it's quiet OP and really push yourself.

It's nothing. If anything I'd say you are more likely to have a prang on a bit of road or driveway that you know because you subconsciously drop your guard a little. Every's confidence takes a knock after such an incident but it's really no big deal. It would be a pity to waste all the time money and effort you put into passing, plus you never know when you might have to drive again in an emergency. If you're out of practice it'll be that much harder.

Everyone's confidence

Two things would help- reverse sensors and an automatic. If you can get these, you will be able to keep your confidence higher and keep driving for a long time, it's definitely worth it, but if you are a later starter and get tired/find dark hard, then these two things will make a huge difference.

@Hazeland I've never met a driver yet who hasn't hit something, be it a car or stationary object, at some time. I think your response was a bit OTT.

I really feel for you. If you don't want to drive them don't. But if it's going to impede on your life then why not have a few more lessons?
I can drive through central London and Paris! But I hate driving on a motorway and avoid it! I don't feel safe because I get so scared. If I was you I'd have some lessons doing the specific things you struggle with. And get parking sensors!

Never reverse off a drive. You are supposed to reverse in and drive out.

I used to feel like this. I hated driving with a passion and would sometimes vomit before getting into a car!

What I did was, go short journeys at very quiet times by myself. I would push myself a tiny bit to go further slowly. I drive everyday now and I no longer think twice about getting into a car! Please don’t give up OP. You’ve passed your test so you are capable of driving. DM if you need more advice!

In my experience, anxious drivers are bad drivers.

I think you need to focus on getting specific help with your anxiety and confidence driving. Don't give up yet.

What age are you?

I am 52 and the menopause has taken its toll on my confidence and I have noticed that my spacial awareness has been affected too.

It started about 2 years ago and then during lockdown I didn’t drive for months which didn’t help. I don’t like driving in the dark when it’s raining so I tend not to.

My neighbour stopped driving about 10 years ago when she was mid 50’s. I am determined to try and keep going because it will be really detrimental to my quality of life if I can’t drive in the future.