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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

* His closeness to daughter (not dad - autocorrect!!)

104 replies

AmyFarrah · 31/10/2021 11:30

Ok, is this too much with dd or Aibu?

My partner lives 3hrs away with his dd. She is nearly 18. No mum.

He was on the phone to me last night as dd and her friends were getting ready to go clubbing. Lots of laughter and usual excitement in background. Then a pause while he was called away to help with something. Comes back saying he had to help attach stockings to suspenders.

I did ask couldn't they do each other's but apparently they couldn't work it out. He later shares a pic of dd and two friends all ready to go.

He then says he has such an 'a-sexual' relationship with dd it's great. They can talk about anything 'even spots on her bum'. He applies her fake tan, helps her dye her hair etc.

Naturally without her mum (4 years ago she died) he is very close with her.

But in the pic of them ready it's not Dd wearing suspenders, it's one of her friends (who is 18)

I don't have daughters, two teenage sons.

Obvs the distance doesn't help, any concerns I have are made and dealt with over the phone.

But before I say anything, Aibu to think at this age this physical closeness to dd and her friends is inappropriate?

Thank you

OP posts:
Poptart4 · 31/10/2021 11:32

YANBU

No advice but that would give me the ick.

HikingforScenery · 31/10/2021 11:35

He attached stockings to suspenders so at the knee? I don’t see anything wrong with it

raffle · 31/10/2021 11:35

Why does he need to describe his relationship with his daughter as “asexual”? That is really really odd.

ShinyMe · 31/10/2021 11:49

@HikingforScenery

He attached stockings to suspenders so at the knee? I don’t see anything wrong with it
Do you have really really long legs? I've never seen stockings that attach that far down.
girlmom21 · 31/10/2021 11:50

Yeah that's really weird and would make me feel very uncomfortable

PassTheDutchyUpYrLeftBackside · 31/10/2021 11:54

I don't think teenage girls actually wear suspender belts and stockings any more, OP.

Are you sure he's not imagining it?

User527294627 · 31/10/2021 11:55

It’s weird that he describes his relationship with his daughter as ‘asexual’. That’s one of those things that should completely go without saying, and feeling the need to say it suggests something odd about his attitude.

The suspenders thing is creepy given the above, and especially inappropriate re her friend.

The whole thing is a bit concerning.

CounsellorTroi · 31/10/2021 11:56

I don’t understand why the suspenders were visible in the photo.

politics4me · 31/10/2021 11:56

There is a certain strangeness about all three of them. The sort of unusual fault that usually generates is this a journalist question - knee length for a night out?

thebabessavedme · 31/10/2021 11:57

Thats odd, there is no way on this planet that my DH would help an 18 year old with her stockings and suspenders, unless he was fast asleep! Grin

There are lines, that one has been crossed!

MargeSimpson00 · 31/10/2021 11:59

@PassTheDutchyUpYrLeftBackside

I don't think teenage girls actually wear suspender belts and stockings any more, OP.

Are you sure he's not imagining it?

Halloween costumes maybe?
SummerHouse · 31/10/2021 12:01

So much strangeness to unpick here. Confused

AllThatFancyPaintsAsFair · 31/10/2021 12:01

Is there a previous thread about this, I'm puzzled by the title, where is the autocorrect?

Sprogonthetyne · 31/10/2021 12:02

Could he mean that he showed them how to attach them, or attached them while the girl wasn't wearing them for her to put on as one piece, and the discretion came out wrong?

It's a bit of a reach but if he really was putting underwear on a unrelated 18yo, that's so obvious weird that I imagine he wouldn't then tell his girlfriend about it.

Original poster
AmyFarrah · 31/10/2021 12:03

Thank you all. I am creeped out.

His dd is very good looking, and all the pics on his phone are her and he has posed pics of her on his bedroom wall (aspiring modelling shoots he paid for)

No I'm not imagining the suspenders thing, in the photo he sent the three were dressed up in black numbers with American cop badges and hats. Only one (dds friend) had suspenders the tops of which were visible 3 inches below her skirt.

I keep letting it go because i assume I don't get the parent / daughter & friends relationship.

OP posts:
PassTheDutchyUpYrLeftBackside · 31/10/2021 12:06

@AmyFarrah

Thank you all. I am creeped out.

His dd is very good looking, and all the pics on his phone are her and he has posed pics of her on his bedroom wall (aspiring modelling shoots he paid for)

No I'm not imagining the suspenders thing, in the photo he sent the three were dressed up in black numbers with American cop badges and hats. Only one (dds friend) had suspenders the tops of which were visible 3 inches below her skirt.

I keep letting it go because i assume I don't get the parent / daughter & friends relationship.

You might not get the parent / child relationship, OP, but surely you get boundaries?

Original poster
AmyFarrah · 31/10/2021 12:11

I do get boundaries and I'm here because this isn't ok for me

  • but this also a plea to parents of daughters in case I'm uneducated. My friends complain about their daughters going out in string for clothes but I can't ask them about 'getting ready' help without outing all of this to them.

Thank you for your thoughts and reactions x

OP posts:
scooterbear · 31/10/2021 12:13

It sounds more Halloween costume than anything else to me...

angieloumc · 31/10/2021 12:18

@AmyFarrah

Thank you all. I am creeped out.

His dd is very good looking, and all the pics on his phone are her and he has posed pics of her on his bedroom wall (aspiring modelling shoots he paid for)

No I'm not imagining the suspenders thing, in the photo he sent the three were dressed up in black numbers with American cop badges and hats. Only one (dds friend) had suspenders the tops of which were visible 3 inches below her skirt.

I keep letting it go because i assume I don't get the parent / daughter & friends relationship.

I don't see the relevance of her being 'good looking'. Even if she were plain her dad would have many photos of her I'm sure. Strange of him to say 'asexual' relationship with his DD, he's definitely worded it wrong, but the rest IMO is fine. How fortunate at 17 (my DD is the same age) and without her mum that she is close to her dad.
wizzywig · 31/10/2021 12:19

He is living vicariously through his daughter.

OhPatti · 31/10/2021 12:21

Yeah, it's weird.

ElvisPresleyHadABaby · 31/10/2021 12:22

I do think it's a bit strange, but since she's lost her mum it must be incredibly difficult to navigate.

PumpkinsandTea · 31/10/2021 12:24

I am getting HUUUUUUUGE incest red flags here OP. This is horrendous

Notaroadrunner · 31/10/2021 12:27

It's not normal and imo totally inappropriate. I wouldn't wish to continue a relationship with him. Dd is the same age and Dh wouldn't in a million years have anything to do with her getting ready for a night out, let alone help her or her friends.

21stDentistryGirl · 31/10/2021 12:28

I don’t think any of it is particularly odd apart from the bit where he said he has an assexual relationship with her, as if there could be any other kind!