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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

* His closeness to daughter (not dad - autocorrect!!)

104 replies

AmyFarrah · 31/10/2021 11:30

Ok, is this too much with dd or Aibu?

My partner lives 3hrs away with his dd. She is nearly 18. No mum.

He was on the phone to me last night as dd and her friends were getting ready to go clubbing. Lots of laughter and usual excitement in background. Then a pause while he was called away to help with something. Comes back saying he had to help attach stockings to suspenders.

I did ask couldn't they do each other's but apparently they couldn't work it out. He later shares a pic of dd and two friends all ready to go.

He then says he has such an 'a-sexual' relationship with dd it's great. They can talk about anything 'even spots on her bum'. He applies her fake tan, helps her dye her hair etc.

Naturally without her mum (4 years ago she died) he is very close with her.

But in the pic of them ready it's not Dd wearing suspenders, it's one of her friends (who is 18)

I don't have daughters, two teenage sons.

Obvs the distance doesn't help, any concerns I have are made and dealt with over the phone.

But before I say anything, Aibu to think at this age this physical closeness to dd and her friends is inappropriate?

Thank you

OP posts:
talkalarm · 31/10/2021 13:04

I imagine he's saying asexual because it's clear YOU are weirded out by it and he's trying to reassure you.

EinsteinaGogo · 31/10/2021 13:05

@Aqua55

Wow, some posters on here have very sick minds

In what way?

Hawkins001 · 31/10/2021 13:06

@Aqua55

Wow, some posters on here have very sick minds
It certainly appears that people hold various perspectives and sometime it's puzzling
ChargingBuck · 31/10/2021 13:15

He then says he has such an 'a-sexual' relationship with dd it's great.

Ugh. He's a fucking perv.

What would you think of me, @AmyFarrah, if I announced I have
"such a great, non-violent relationship with my dog!"
or
"such a great, non-voyeuristic view of my neighbours bathroom!
or
"such a great, not cash-stealing, relationship with my care clients!"

You'd reckon I was a dog-kicking, OAP-robbing, Peeping Tom, wouldn't you?

ChargingBuck · 31/10/2021 13:19

and all the pics on his phone are her and he has posed pics of her on his bedroom wall (aspiring modelling shoots he paid for)

Yeah, I'm creeped out too.

I keep letting it go because i assume I don't get the parent / daughter & friends relationship.

OK - so imagine this is some random, unrelated 18 year old.
Are you still creeped out? I am.
Think on that creepiness. Now add to it the fact that THIS IS HIS DD FFS.

CharlotteRose90 · 31/10/2021 13:19

No sorry that’s really wrong. He shouldn’t be like that with his daughter or her friends. Too involved and it’s actually creeped me out. I would not be staying with him sorry.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 31/10/2021 13:22

Presumably as there were a few of them present and they called him to help, none of them were creeped out by it?

Heepers · 31/10/2021 13:24

@normanstrangerson 😂😂😂😂😂😂

ChargingBuck · 31/10/2021 13:25

@Aqua55

Wow, some posters on here have very sick minds
Nope.

Some posters on here have very unfortunate insight into the dynamics of CSA, & the sick minds of perpetrators.

FateHasRedesignedMost · 31/10/2021 13:28

I’m not sure re his relationship with his daughter, but I know some suspenders are really hard to figure out. Sounds like they were part of her costume if she had them on show. Maybe they’d all tried to fasten them and couldn’t so turned to the dad to fix it?

My dad had to lace me into my corset for my prom ball when I was 16 as my mum and sister couldn’t figure out the strings, he was the only one who managed to lace it so it didn’t slip down!

He also used to chat to me while I was changing my clothes as a teenager, I don’t think he really noticed (and I usually forgot to shut my bedroom door) so I think dads can have a completely non sexual view of their daughters, almost like they see them as kids still and don’t notice they’ve gone through puberty?

ancientgran · 31/10/2021 13:28

Should she be going clubbing at 17? The doormen would stop her round here, they tend to be quite strict about underage drinking so don't let them into the clubs.

Off topic but just wondered.

Hawkins001 · 31/10/2021 13:30

@ancientgran

Should she be going clubbing at 17? The doormen would stop her round here, they tend to be quite strict about underage drinking so don't let them into the clubs.

Off topic but just wondered.

I'm guessing fake id, or they know the doorperson ect
ancientgran · 31/10/2021 13:30

@ChargingBuck

and all the pics on his phone are her and he has posed pics of her on his bedroom wall (aspiring modelling shoots he paid for)

Yeah, I'm creeped out too.

I keep letting it go because i assume I don't get the parent / daughter & friends relationship.

OK - so imagine this is some random, unrelated 18 year old.
Are you still creeped out? I am.
Think on that creepiness. Now add to it the fact that THIS IS HIS DD FFS.

Don't most parents have photos of their kids on phones and walls? I don't see that as very creepy to be honest. Hope it doesn't include grandchildren or I'll probably be classed as creepy.
ChargingBuck · 31/10/2021 13:44

@ancientgran
Don't most parents have photos of their kids on phones and walls?

Posed "aspiring model" shots? On their bedroom walls?
No.

ChargingBuck · 31/10/2021 13:46

so I think dads can have a completely non sexual view of their daughters, almost like they see them as kids still and don’t notice they’ve gone through puberty?

Of course they can, @FateHasRedesignedMost!

And the ones that do, the majority, don't feel the need to make announcements about how "asexual" their relationship with their DD is.
It simply wouldn't occur to them.

lemmein · 31/10/2021 13:50

Are you dating Donald Trump? Shock

Original poster
AmyFarrah · 31/10/2021 14:27

Thank you all for thinking on this with me. It is an odd relationship to be in and this one with his dd is strange at times to b near as yes he is definitely dad and mum all at once. It has always made the dynamics between him and I weighted towards making allowances for his dd.

So this time, with your help Mumsnet, I'm not so much as making allowances as now pointing out to him that this is really about the girls getting older.

I talked to him and he listened well, and this is the first time he's had this pov from me, and it's good food for thought for us both.

So, yes he went from a 'I've known them for years since they were kids' and in the moment it might be the same as doing up a fiddly necklace no one else can do up, but from out here, at their age, it's time to say 'no can do to' things that weren't a thing before.

That said I get his dd is a 'party girl' social media etc and he's all about her feeling able to be open with him. Yes, re the suspenders the girls had all tried but it was a cheep costume set they'd bought online and none of them could do them up.

Time will be the only teller here.

How he adjusts as dd and friends become adults won't go away with this episode, and I appreciate being able to sound out loud here very very much.

Thank you

OP posts:
FeatheredHope · 31/10/2021 14:30

How long have you been dating, OP?

Original poster
AmyFarrah · 31/10/2021 14:37

@FeatheredHope 4 years

OP posts:
ancientgran · 31/10/2021 14:46

[quote ChargingBuck]@ancientgran
Don't most parents have photos of their kids on phones and walls?

Posed "aspiring model" shots? On their bedroom walls?
No.[/quote]
To be fair I don't actually know what aspiring model shots means, I thought it just meant a professional photo, if you go to a professional photographer they are always posed aren't they?

Are the ones on phones OK? All my photos on my phone are my kids or my kids with their partners and kids unless I'm doing photos for ebay sales but I don't save them once the listing is done.

Hawkins001 · 31/10/2021 14:46

[quote AmyFarrah]@FeatheredHope 4 years [/quote]
Within the four years , has your partner always been this close ?

ancientgran · 31/10/2021 14:49

So when you started your relationship his wife had just died? The DD was bound to have a close relationship with him. I was a year younger than her (13) when one of my parents died. It is tough at that age.

SheWoreYellow · 31/10/2021 14:51

Hm. He might have attached the stockings to the suspenders while the friend wasn’t wearing them.

Model photos - nowhere does it say glamour photos. I think some people have got the wrong idea there. They might be nice headshots.

ancientgran · 31/10/2021 14:52

@SheWoreYellow

Hm. He might have attached the stockings to the suspenders while the friend wasn’t wearing them.

Model photos - nowhere does it say glamour photos. I think some people have got the wrong idea there. They might be nice headshots.

Glad it wasn't just me about the photos. I was assuming they were page 3 type photos.
newfriend05 · 31/10/2021 15:11

Personally I think your reading too much in to it op .. he has a close and trusting relationship with his daughter , sounds like to me it makes you feel insecure as you have already pointed out how attractive she is