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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

* His closeness to daughter (not dad - autocorrect!!)

104 replies

AmyFarrah · 31/10/2021 11:30

Ok, is this too much with dd or Aibu?

My partner lives 3hrs away with his dd. She is nearly 18. No mum.

He was on the phone to me last night as dd and her friends were getting ready to go clubbing. Lots of laughter and usual excitement in background. Then a pause while he was called away to help with something. Comes back saying he had to help attach stockings to suspenders.

I did ask couldn't they do each other's but apparently they couldn't work it out. He later shares a pic of dd and two friends all ready to go.

He then says he has such an 'a-sexual' relationship with dd it's great. They can talk about anything 'even spots on her bum'. He applies her fake tan, helps her dye her hair etc.

Naturally without her mum (4 years ago she died) he is very close with her.

But in the pic of them ready it's not Dd wearing suspenders, it's one of her friends (who is 18)

I don't have daughters, two teenage sons.

Obvs the distance doesn't help, any concerns I have are made and dealt with over the phone.

But before I say anything, Aibu to think at this age this physical closeness to dd and her friends is inappropriate?

Thank you

OP posts:
RaininSummer · 31/10/2021 12:29

It does sound quite off
. I think the pics in the bedroom sound very ick if they aren't just head shots

1FootInTheRave · 31/10/2021 12:29

Fucking weird and very creepy.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 31/10/2021 12:30

If the stocking tops are 3 inches below her skirt then he isn't helping her put on underwear he is helping her put on a costume. Describing a relationship as asexual is weird talking about a spotty arse not so weird.

21stDentistryGirl · 31/10/2021 12:30

Bum spots, helping with costumes, picture before they go off on a night out - all would be something I wouldn’t bat a lash at if it were her mum, and she doesn’t have one so… Assexual? Fuck that. Such a weird thing to say.

Onairjunkie · 31/10/2021 12:31

Innocent or not, that would unsettle me so much.

HalzTangz · 31/10/2021 12:31

@HikingforScenery

He attached stockings to suspenders so at the knee? I don’t see anything wrong with it
Every pair of stockings and suspenders I own sit far above the knee
Anordinarymum · 31/10/2021 12:31

I live with my partner. We have seen my daughter and her friends get ready to go out clubbing when she was younger, and yes they have looked amazing in a nearly dressed sort of way, and he has always been embarrassed when they have appeared downstairs waiting for taxis.

If they asked me to adjust their clothing or take photos - which I have done - of all of them together it would be fine.

They would not dream of asking him to do it even though he is like a dad to my children and he would not want to.

Having said that our situation is different to yours and her mum has died so he is over compensating and boundaries are not there.
I wonder how the friends parents would feel if they knew he had been clipping her suspenders on?

I also wonder where is the line here? I think he is trying to be both mum and dad to his girl which is very sweet, but where does he draw the line?

NormanStangerson · 31/10/2021 12:33

I’m also getting “Jack Geller: Walks in while you’re changing,” vibes…

Ginger1982 · 31/10/2021 12:34

On the one hand I think it's nice he has such a close relationship with his daughter given her mum is gone and posters shouting 'incest' need to calm down.

But it's a bit odd in terms of the 'asexual' thing and fixing the friend's suspenders is also a bit odd. Or is it that we're just all so brainwashed into thinking every man is a predator? Assuming it is all perfectly innocent, I think he needs to consider his boundaries.

Regularsizedrudy · 31/10/2021 12:34

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NormanStangerson · 31/10/2021 12:35

@HikingforScenery

He attached stockings to suspenders so at the knee? I don’t see anything wrong with it
Yeah, I don’t think it’s these sorts of suspenders that the girls were wearing…
* His closeness to daughter (not dad - autocorrect!!)
whynotwhatknot · 31/10/2021 12:35

i was close to my dad would get him to do my zips up and stuff but he wouldnt do my friends stuff-thats just odd

Original poster
AmyFarrah · 31/10/2021 12:36

It's not bs. It's very hard to be this far away and to feel this wierded out. Oh I wish it was. This is a whole lot of years in one thread.

Thank you Mumsnet, I'm speaking to him a few mins.

OP posts:
Pumpkinsonparade · 31/10/2021 12:37

No excuse for any reason to include the word sexual in regard to a dd whatsoever imo.

ancientgran · 31/10/2021 12:38

@PumpkinsandTea

I am getting HUUUUUUUGE incest red flags here OP. This is horrendous
A bit of a leap from helping DDs friend with suspenders and having an incestuous relationship with DD. A bit strange with the suspenders for sure but incest?
Anordinarymum · 31/10/2021 12:39

@AmyFarrah

It's not bs. It's very hard to be this far away and to feel this wierded out. Oh I wish it was. This is a whole lot of years in one thread.

Thank you Mumsnet, I'm speaking to him a few mins.

Talk to him but also understand why he is like this without judging him. He would not be like this if his wife was still alive would he?
FeatheredHope · 31/10/2021 12:40

he has posed pics of her on his bedroom wall (aspiring modelling shoots he paid for)

Ick ick ick ick

ancientgran · 31/10/2021 12:40

@21stDentistryGirl

I don’t think any of it is particularly odd apart from the bit where he said he has an assexual relationship with her, as if there could be any other kind!
Trying to be generous but maybe he means it as he is doing the mother and father role not sticking to one? It does sound off though.
FeatheredHope · 31/10/2021 12:41

Also why couldn’t one of the other girls have helped the friend with her suspenders? Why is a middle aged man doing it?

I can’t work out if this is ick beyond or just BS…

SlugRose · 31/10/2021 12:42

Odd and his comments are even odder. If it doesn't feel right to you OP just leave him. No need to even try and justify it.

Barney60 · 31/10/2021 12:47

Think im far more concerned about him (if he did )attach suspenders to daughters friends stockings. This could be a potential bomb, if her parents found out.
To me as parent of a daughter its odd, but i did grow up with a friend who had no mum ,dad and her had a similar relationship to what your describing. Always made me feel uncomfortable.

StaplesCorner · 31/10/2021 12:53

That's the point isn't it, there's no need whatsoever for anyone else to help teenagers with suspenders, there were 3 friends they could have sorted it out. I think OP is right to be concerned, but how to approach it is another thing - do you want the relationship to continue OP?

IVbumble · 31/10/2021 12:54

I've noticed in going out with men that have daughters that they seem to want to impress you with their knowledge about all things female and I've never worked out why this might be but this situation OP rings alarm bells - make sure you are ok being the third corner of this potentially dysfunctional triangle - it could be hard work.

Aqua55 · 31/10/2021 13:00

Wow, some posters on here have very sick minds

iNeedAteaPlease · 31/10/2021 13:04

@HikingforScenery

He attached stockings to suspenders so at the knee? I don’t see anything wrong with it
Errr