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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

* His closeness to daughter (not dad - autocorrect!!)

104 replies

AmyFarrah · 31/10/2021 11:30

Ok, is this too much with dd or Aibu?

My partner lives 3hrs away with his dd. She is nearly 18. No mum.

He was on the phone to me last night as dd and her friends were getting ready to go clubbing. Lots of laughter and usual excitement in background. Then a pause while he was called away to help with something. Comes back saying he had to help attach stockings to suspenders.

I did ask couldn't they do each other's but apparently they couldn't work it out. He later shares a pic of dd and two friends all ready to go.

He then says he has such an 'a-sexual' relationship with dd it's great. They can talk about anything 'even spots on her bum'. He applies her fake tan, helps her dye her hair etc.

Naturally without her mum (4 years ago she died) he is very close with her.

But in the pic of them ready it's not Dd wearing suspenders, it's one of her friends (who is 18)

I don't have daughters, two teenage sons.

Obvs the distance doesn't help, any concerns I have are made and dealt with over the phone.

But before I say anything, Aibu to think at this age this physical closeness to dd and her friends is inappropriate?

Thank you

OP posts:
FeatheredHope · 31/10/2021 15:15

Ok, regardless of what any of us think, you are obviously uncomfortable with it and it obviously isn’t the first incident or only thing with his daughter that makes you uncomfortable. Considering his relationship with his daughter is obviously a bit part of his life and isn’t going anywhere, I’d ask you if you really want to go on like this. Life is short, why be in a relationship where you are questioning your partners boundaries and key relationships. Something is making you feel uncomfortable, I would listen to your gut and get out. Even if it’s entirely innocent, it’s one hell of a barrier to a happy, healthy relationship.

And personally speaking, I find it very weird that after 4 years together he needs to big up his “asexual” relationship with her. Dads shouldn’t ever have to state that!

AllergictoWerewolves · 31/10/2021 15:31

Maybe he didn't mean asexual as in a sexual way, but meant he is both Mum and Dad to her.....

amylou8 · 31/10/2021 15:37

Saying asexual is a weird choice of words, but he probably means that he feels able to do/discuss stuff with her that would normally be mum territory. The suspenders were part of a fancy dress costume, and visible below her clothes line, not part of some sexy underwear getup. It sounds like an unusually close but not inappropriate father/daughter relationship to me.

LavenderAskew · 31/10/2021 15:40

Do a lot of posters think men think of their daughters sexually once they are above a certain age?

So because he has a "model" pictures of his daughter this means he's a perv. Does that mean people think he can't look at the pictures without feeling something sexual about them?

grapewine · 31/10/2021 15:41

His dd is very good looking, and all the pics on his phone are her and he has posed pics of her on his bedroom wall (aspiring modelling shoots he paid for)

So much no. Nope. I'd run.

ChargingBuck · 31/10/2021 15:45

@LavenderAskew

Do a lot of posters think men think of their daughters sexually once they are above a certain age?

So because he has a "model" pictures of his daughter this means he's a perv. Does that mean people think he can't look at the pictures without feeling something sexual about them?

If they arbitrarily make pronouncements about how "asexual" their relationship is with their child - as if that were something to brag about, let alone ever need stating - yes.

Depending on what the modelling poses are all about ... they may be impossible to look at without seeing something sexual. And why have them all in his bedroom, rather than all around the house?

Nanny0gg · 31/10/2021 15:48

@newfriend05

Personally I think your reading too much in to it op .. he has a close and trusting relationship with his daughter , sounds like to me it makes you feel insecure as you have already pointed out how attractive she is
It was his daughter's friend though.

If I was her mum I would look a bit askance at that

maddy68 · 31/10/2021 15:50

You're being ridiculous. He's been mum and dad to her. She needed help getting dressed. They are fiddly especially if she or friends have false nails it's you with the issue

beastlyslumber · 31/10/2021 16:16

Noooo. That sounds creepy.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 31/10/2021 16:36

@SummerHouse

So much strangeness to unpick here. Confused
^^

odd descriptor 'asexual' - suggests he doesn't know what it means

And well it wasn't his dd so that's odd too

She doesn't have a mum so l get it to an extent

ancientgran · 31/10/2021 16:43

Glad it wasn't just me about the photos. I was assuming they were page 3 type photos. I meant I wasn't assuming they were page 3 type photos, just normal photos from a professional photographer.

ancientgran · 31/10/2021 16:43

@AllergictoWerewolves

Maybe he didn't mean asexual as in a sexual way, but meant he is both Mum and Dad to her.....
Exactly.
LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 31/10/2021 16:48

It’s weird that he describes his relationship with his daughter as ‘asexual’. That’s one of those things that should completely go without saying, and feeling the need to say it suggests something odd about his attitude

This is what stood out for me.

Fastening stockings is fiddly so I can see why he was needed for that if the dd and her friend could do it.

sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea · 31/10/2021 16:53

Thinking how I would feel if another mum straightened the edges of nearly 17yo DS's boxers whilst he was getting dressed.

Because that is how intimate it is.

Ick.

sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea · 31/10/2021 16:57

As for the stockings/suspenders thing, pretty easy to attach the back whilst unworn, tell them how to put them on, and then talk them through hooking up the front.

Sorry OP, I'm with you. It feels creepy.

CherryBlossomAutumn · 31/10/2021 16:57

Feelings of disgust or creepiness are pretty ancient reactions in our brain to danger. I think heed their warnings! It doesn’t mean we are right… but inappropriate boundaries, or slightly odd boundaries are worth keeping an eye on at least. Even if you don’t break up yet.

pinkyredrose · 31/10/2021 17:08

he has posed pics of her on his bedroom wall

I'm glad they're so close. Maybe she can pose infront of his casket when he's dead like that social media 'influencer, it's what he would've wanted!

sweeneytoddsrazor · 31/10/2021 17:18

*Thinking how I would feel if another mum straightened the edges of nearly 17yo DS's boxers whilst he was getting dressed.

Because that is how intimate it is.*

No it wasn't because they were below her skirt and actually part of a purchased costume not underwear.

Hawkins001 · 31/10/2021 17:20

@pinkyredrose

he has posed pics of her on his bedroom wall

I'm glad they're so close. Maybe she can pose infront of his casket when he's dead like that social media 'influencer, it's what he would've wanted!

What made you think that's an acceptable post to make ?
billy1966 · 31/10/2021 17:20

@AllergictoWerewolves

Maybe he didn't mean asexual as in a sexual way, but meant he is both Mum and Dad to her.....
This could be what he meant but phrased poorly.

That the traditional roles of the mother/father have blurred and that he is happy he is able to cover both with her?

When a mother dies it is a huge extra challenge for men with daughters.

I think giving him a heads up to be careful with blurring those lines with her friends, would be kind.

His behaviour, however innocent, could be misconstrued and the fallout would be deeply unpleasant and completely avoidable.

How he responds to such advice would definitely inform how I would view him going forward.

sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea · 31/10/2021 17:26

@sweeneytoddsrazor

*Thinking how I would feel if another mum straightened the edges of nearly 17yo DS's boxers whilst he was getting dressed.

Because that is how intimate it is.*

No it wasn't because they were below her skirt and actually part of a purchased costume not underwear.

I don't know where your version of stockings & suspenders end, but I'm wearing stockings right now, and they pretty much brush my knickers. At the very least, they'd be mid thigh. There's a reason why stockings are listed as lingerie.
Holly60 · 31/10/2021 17:26

The thing is I think you have to remember he has been both mum and dad to his daughter by necessity. Therefore they are close in a way usually reserved for mums and daughters. You’d think nothing of a mum having posed pics of her daughter on her wall or fastening the friends suspender.

So I think YABU because you are making. Judgements about a relationship that is the result of bereavement.

The friend with the suspender thing- I’d assume it was a bit of a ‘cool dad’ thing ie the daughter saying ‘look how cool my dad is’ (which I actually think is quite sweet really) and the dad sort of going along with it so he didn’t let his daughter down, rather than anything ‘creepy’

I think you are all a bit mean to a man who has clearly stepped up for his daughter and been there to the extent that they are very close snd she obviously trusts him.

But OP if you don’t like it, end it and let him find someone who is happy with it.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 31/10/2021 17:38

Does he maybe mean genderless (ie not following gender stereotypes) but he’s wrongly used the word asexual? Because on the surface it sounds creepy, but is it possible he’s just mixed up the terms?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 31/10/2021 17:42

@sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea

From the op saying they were 3 inches below her skirt and part of a cheap purchased costume.

thisplaceisapigsty · 31/10/2021 17:43

@ColdTattyWaitingForSummer

Does he maybe mean genderless (ie not following gender stereotypes) but he’s wrongly used the word asexual? Because on the surface it sounds creepy, but is it possible he’s just mixed up the terms?
I wondered that as well - he might just be referring to being like both mum and dad in how he relates to his dd. Wrong word, trying to explain something.