Rude/tactless things people have said.

[Belledan1]

I know we all love a CF thread. Chatting to a fellow commuter waiting for the bus to go to work. Not seen each other since beginning lockdown. Dont even know name. I mentioned I liked her hair totally different to before and I said was having mine coloured/cut in 3 weeks, planned it so done for a night out so holding out. She said to me, I wldnt wait that long looks like needs a really good cut, it's very dry. It probably does but you wldnt say that to a person you hardly know. I have very fine menopausal hair and conscious of it anyway.

I went to a self group for depressed women about 2 years ago.

We had to buddy up for a CBT exercise. I told the woman I was doing the exercise with, what I did (have a business). Part of the exercise was where we reframed negative thoughts. We were supposed to share something we felt guilty about. I shared that I felt guilty I hadn't had the energy to update my books I wrote. She said, that's OK, no-one will be interested in them anyway. It wasn't a joke. It really stung. I was so shocked I couldn't find the words to explain that my work was actually extremely successful.

I never went back to that group.

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult

Oh so many as a bereaved parent.

One woman after my daughter died (she worked with my exdh) said "you were so lucky to have had her for 2 weeks, I won't even get that..." and started on about her infertility, literally days after dd died.

Another woman I vaguely know with a dd the same age as mine would have been stopped me in the street and said "every time I think of you I hug my dd a little bit tighter" and then proceeded to hug her dd in front of me.

After my son died my own mother (now nc) said "its ok for you, you're getting all the cards and attention because you're his mum, what do I get"

She also said "On the plus side we don't have to buy X wash powder anymore" (ds got a rash with most of them)

She also told me I was embarrassing for seeing my friends when I was grieving and I should be at home 24/7. She also told me that I had "fucked up the only good thing I ever did in my life" and she would never forgive me for his death (he died of a medical condition).

My now exdh after our dd died said "she died because you're such a bitch, must be karma because who has 2 kids die on them"

And so many more.

Another time a random woman at the school said she loved my (long) hair I thanked her and she said "I just love my kids too much to have long hair" and then went on to explain the time I took with my hair would be better spent with my kids. I was so gobsmacked I didn't say a word, but she had very short bright red dyed hair, she must get her hair cut every couple of months and dyed every 6 weeks, I spend 10 seconds running a brush through mine, and haven't had it cut in a decade 😂

Wow. Some of these are absolutely unbelievable. How can people be so devoid of empathy?

@CarrieMoonbeams i'm so sorry for your loss, and for those toxic comments.

You are so lucky you have an Autistic child- said in the context of being able to send child to school during lockdown

When people say to me in a sentence "I know how you feel"
When they don't, I have 2 children who are seriously ill. No one else i know of is in any situation like this so have no clue. It's just a stupid thing to say!
Last week a family member said to me
"I totally get how you feel, Iv been through a lot myself" - just so thoughtless the fact she has no idea what I'm going through, she may have been through some things but she's got a life and has a future! My children have an expectancy only childhood 😤

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult

Oh so many as a bereaved parent.

One woman after my daughter died (she worked with my exdh) said "you were so lucky to have had her for 2 weeks, I won't even get that..." and started on about her infertility, literally days after dd died.

Another woman I vaguely know with a dd the same age as mine would have been stopped me in the street and said "every time I think of you I hug my dd a little bit tighter" and then proceeded to hug her dd in front of me.

After my son died my own mother (now nc) said "its ok for you, you're getting all the cards and attention because you're his mum, what do I get"

She also said "On the plus side we don't have to buy X wash powder anymore" (ds got a rash with most of them)

She also told me I was embarrassing for seeing my friends when I was grieving and I should be at home 24/7. She also told me that I had "fucked up the only good thing I ever did in my life" and she would never forgive me for his death (he died of a medical condition).

My now exdh after our dd died said "she died because you're such a bitch, must be karma because who has 2 kids die on them"

And so many more.

Another time a random woman at the school said she loved my (long) hair I thanked her and she said "I just love my kids too much to have long hair" and then went on to explain the time I took with my hair would be better spent with my kids. I was so gobsmacked I didn't say a word, but she had very short bright red dyed hair, she must get her hair cut every couple of months and dyed every 6 weeks, I spend 10 seconds running a brush through mine, and haven't had it cut in a decade 😂

No one understands how hurtful their comments can be! So wrong but you're so brave to be sharing this Sorry for your loss x

Many years ago, moving to our house, an elderly neighbour "greeted" us with "I have no intention of being friendly to you". Several unpleasant rude encounters with her later, she decides to accuse me & DH of being "grunting pigs" because we didn't call in and say good morning to her. Charming woman. Told her what I thought of her. Have never spoken to her since then.

An hour after I was admitted to an 8-bed, mixed-sex ward a nurse inputtin my details into a computer shouted across the entire ward to me:

"MASKLESS, DO YOU HAVE ANY BEDSORES ON YOUR BOTTOM?!"

Mortified, I stayed silent and she repeated it, even louder!

Thank you so much @BackBackBack and @Honkingallthewaytothebank (what a great username!), I really appreciate your kindness.

Even just on this one page there are heartbreaking stories that make me want to reach through the internet and into the past (if only that were possible!) and challenge the 'perpetrator'.

I wonder if any of them actually think back to what they said and have that flush of shame when they remember what a terrible thing they said. I presume a fair percentage of them are the type of person who can only make themselves feel good by making others feel bad.

I’ve mentioned this before on here but repeating as it still stings, 9 years on.
After having a second trimester loss, I was told by one BIL (with my sister sitting next to him nodding) that their dog dying a few months earlier was worse than what happened to me as their dog was part of the family. I was far too agog to tell them to eff off.

When I gave birth to twin sons 31 years ago, my MIL's first comment was 'such a shame you didn't have one of each'.

My then DH, quick as a flash - 'which one would you prefer was different?'

@Lucythewonderdog I had someone tell me not to worry they would be by carer and another tell me how they would help me pimp my scooter! People are such idiots! 10 years on and I’m walking fine (just the odd fall if I get overtired or overstimulated) I’m definitely not a spoonie 😝

I've got a doozy, in that he made himself look like a rwat in front of strangers.....
I used to occasionally sit in on interview panels in my previous job.
Interviewee enters the room, I realise that I recognize him from early morning dog walks on the beach nearby. As we are introduced I mention that I had seen him there, he looks blank, so I describe my ddog, he comes back with " my god, that's not you is it? I always took you for a council Carol who must have stolen that lovely ( gundog breed)!!" Take the bones out of that one. Oh and the position he was interviewing for was to assess applicants for government grants.
And no, I didn't suddenly start walking my dog in a pants suit, heels and full makeup every morning

DS was a few weeks old and hadn't been well. I call the GP and am given an appointment that's 45minutes later.
I didn't drive and needed to be into town for this appointment so my only option due to timings was the bus.
I used a large Silver Cross pram for ds ( gift from grandparents) but no chance it would fit on the small bus they sent on our route nor would I be able to put it down if there were wheelchairs/aids who needed access therefore I put ds in the lightweight buggy (0+) and laid it back etc so it was suitable and comfortable for the 2 hours he'd be in it. Had I had more time I'd have walked into town.
Got on the busy bus and sat at the front. DS was asleep and fine.
Woman at the back of the bus starts talking very loudly about what a shit mother I was putting my baby in a crappy pushchair and how I mustn't be able to afford a proper pram and how my poor ds looked stupid such a pushchair and how I obviously didn't know how to look after him.
She was talking very loudly -almost shouting- to her pal sat on the opposite side of the back seat and everyone on the bus was looking at me.

When I was 16, I was, to give the short answer, poisoned by the Pill. Before it was sorted, I was off school a lot and when I finally saw a Dr who believed I was ill, she ran scary tests. It was a bad time. I managed a day back at school. Waiting outside a classroom, one of boys joked that I was FINALLY back. Explained it was just to see how it goes, still sick. He asked what was actually wrong. Explained they weren't sure- but they were testing for leukaemia. A pause. He looked me up and down. I have beautiful, thick but very unruly wavy hair. I struggled with it at that age and it was not appreciated by either me or any teenage boy for not being a sheet of poker straight Barbie hair. Boy replies "well it's good if all your hair falls out, it will only grow back better".

Working in retail also produced a few gems. If you're asking shop staff to help you with item sizing for someone else because they're similar sizes/shape, don't then tell the staff member that they're a big girl, big boned, have "simply enormous" boobs like the person you're buying for. Similarly, don't make any comment that implies we don't have a "real job". Shout out also to the lady who, upon seeing me only from the boobs up behind a till asked me outright if I was having a baby. Her logic was apparently that I had big boobs and was wearing a tunic dress- yes, from that seasons stock! It was a really nice but practical option for a retail job!

My mum is also pretty vile sometimes. She basically hates that I'm not a clone of her and especially has taken against my bum. It's curvy- not always easy to dress but finally embraced by fashion. Hers is an ironing board. The most recent nugget of spite, when I mentioned forgetting I'd have to strip off for the chiropractor that day and wearing a very small thong- "and on such a very large arse, poor him". Said jokily but meant nastily. She wonders why we don't talk much anymore.

I get told by a few people ‘your bike is small’. It’s not one of those fold up bikes with mini wheels, it’s an average bike, but people feel the need to comment.

I really put my foot in it with somebody myself. Went to visit a lady who lived on the 15th floor of a block of flats. I commented on how she must enjoy seeing the nice view from up there and she told me she wouldn’t know as she’s blind. I had no idea she was blind until she said, but felt awful

My DM is very tactless. Just the other day she was musing that Covid is nature's way of dealing with the population problem and we should just let it spread and take our chances. DD is CEV and also has Long Covid.

When I was younger I was very, very slim and tall. I ate perfectly well but just couldn't put weight on. The majority of my life I had been called bean pole, lanky, anorexic, I was told I looked ill and it was something I was very conscious of. A friends sister said to me, infront of everyone when we were all going out to a club "Do you think if we forced fed Another Name a burger every hour that she'd put on weight?"

When pregnant with twins a total stranger at work came up to me saying "wow, you're absolutely huge, have you got two in there or something?" When i said yes actually, she said "oh my god, i feel so sorry for you, it's going to be absolute hell!"

I asked her if she had twins and when she said no, i just said "what. The. Fuck?" And stared hard at her til she looked away. We were in a lift at the time ... She got out on the first floor and my last sighting of her was her heading up the stairs rather than stay in the lift with me

A "friend" from work telling me that c sections were the easy way out stung a lot considering that i had to have an emcs under GA and one of my twins very very nearly died. Ended up with ptsd and her idiotic comments made me feel like a failure.

@Belledan1

Omg this are unbelievable. I had a man at work who was very in to equality and prejudice because of his colour and sexuality said that I chose good cakes for a cake sale but he knew I would as I obviously liked cakes. I am overweight. Luckily he said it in front of the bosses who called him in.

Bit of a roundabout way to say he was BAME and gay.

So sorry for your losses @DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult and for all those horrible people. I hope the cruel ones are far away from you now. Love x

Failed round of IVF. Told friend who proceeded to tell me ‘it’s fine as you have a dog that will do as a baby’ then that she was pregnant and how wonderful it was that she got pregnant naturally. She repeated naturally around 3 times during the call - despite knowing I’ll never be able to conceive naturally.

Keep meaning to give out to her for not asking how my dog is and if he’s meeting all his milestones - given he’s apparently the same as a baby!

My bike broke down the other day. A woman came outside to see what was going on, looked at me and went , “My husband thought you were a fella!” Erm, thanks?

I was at a wedding, used to be quite unlucky in love and was still getting over a break up at that point. I was a bridesmaid, and a friend said ‘Do you think you’ll be like that girl out of 27 dresses who’s always the bridesmaid?”

The rudest and most hurtful comments I've had have all been from my in laws. When my eldest was born my friend mentioned that she looked like me and that she would have the same ginger hair (she does) and my MIL immediately snapped 'she doesn't look anything like you, she's not ginger and she's beautiful'. I was told I had an eating disorder because I didn't gain any weight after having my children, and that I wasn't a real mother because of that. That I had no idea what I was doing, I would have my baby taken away because I was messy - the day I came home from hospital after 5 days and the mess was her sons, that my mother was useless because she never taught me anything - meanwhile her son doesn't even know how to turn on the washing machine, and that I'm not very friendly (I'm just quiet) but in the same breath she completley ignored my friend and her young child because she is racist. My FIL had constantly mocked my family members name and says he can't pronounce it (it's not hard to pronounce at all it's simply not an English name), he laughed at the thought I was considering using the name for my daughter and when I needed a very sudden and traumatic c-section because we were both dying, he came into the hospital a day later when I was still in the HDU attached to multiple monitors and wires, uninvited looked at my baby and said "what, they gave you a c-section for that" and laughed at me because she was very, very tiny. There are many, many, many more instances but those are the ones I am angriest about.

@Belledan1

Omg this are unbelievable. I had a man at work who was very in to equality and prejudice because of his colour and sexuality said that I chose good cakes for a cake sale but he knew I would as I obviously liked cakes. I am overweight. Luckily he said it in front of the bosses who called him in.

He was a rude prick . There was no need to hint at his race and sexuality