Breastfeeding in public

[Allthingsfloralandpatterned88]

So I'm sitting in the corner of a reasonably busy cafe with DS (3 months) and he starts wailing. I realise I am wearing a dress that isn't amazing for nursing as I have to hike my boob over the top as opposed to opening it at the side. But I do this and latch him on.

However DM who I am with starts shrieking "darling you can't do that" and trys to stop me. She then keeps trying to drape things over my boob and DS's head which means he then loses his latch and I get flustered.

She is great with DS and a big help but she has done this a few times before/ suggested I find a quiet room etc. Is this a generational thing? I've been quite happy feeding in public but she makes me feel like a kind of mad hippy! I now am starting to feel self conscious for feeding in public around her and its making me more anxious about feeding in public in general. I kind of feel as though I should stick to my guns because I don't feel like I should always have to leave the room/ try and find somewhere in private when I'm out and about. Early motherhood is hard enough as it is!

I also think a scarf makes baby feel more cocooned and snug, and shuts out the hubbub around.

I might do the same for my daughter, but not because I think it's shameful. Many breastfeeding mothers I know prefer to feed in private and I would like to give the option should they feel they would like to preserve their dignity.
Anyone who wants to feed in private will either bring their own scarf or take themselves to a different room. Offering someone is scarf is straightaway suggesting to them that they should want to cover up. It isn't giving them an option, it's setting up an expectation you have and putting it on them.

If anyone had offered me a scarf I'd have laughed it off but I was confident. Anyone who was in the least nervous about it would be more likely to take away the message they ought to use thescarf for fear of offence.

@CoolOven

I remember getting home from the hospital and sitting on my own sofa to feed and MIL offering to get me a scarf. Right from the start, it was clear she thought it was a shameful activity I might do the same for my daughter, but not because I think it's shameful. Many breastfeeding mothers I know prefer to feed in private and I would like to give the option should they feel they would like to preserve their dignity. I'm not saying they 'should' feel this way, but many mothers do.

It was my own house, if I’d wanted privacy I obviously would have gone upstairs but I sat down and started feeding in the living room. Offering me a scarf in that situation was clearly about her feeling uncomfortable not concern for my potential discomfort - if I hadn’t felt comfortable, I wouldn’t have done it there. She thought it wasn’t polite for mothers to feed in other people’s presence; she thought I should always retire to a private room and because I didn’t, she would offer covers/close curtains etc to indicate her disapproval. I would be careful offering a scarf if the mother is happily getting on with feeding without one as it does suggest you think she’s doing something wrong.

@CoolOven

I also think a scarf makes baby feel more cocooned and snug, and shuts out the hubbub around.

Both my babies hated it, if I ever tried putting a scarf or cover over them they pulled it away.

@FrankGrillosWrist

As I sat on a train a few weeks back a woman plonked herself down opposite me, whipped her big floppy tit out right in front of my face & started to breast feed. I had no where to go, or look! Of course I got the glare, as did everyone else on the train. I’ve seen people breast feeding before & hardly noticed. But she was definitely wearing her breast feeding badge of honour on that day.

Her 'big floppy tit'?? Well, the pathetic and misogynistic language was always going to appear at some point, wasn't it? Inevitable, sadly...

CoolOven You might offer your daughter a scarf at home??

Well, no, I wasn't clear I suppose. It's something I might offer if there were a lot of people around. Not for my benefit, or even for the people around.

Bonus points for "preserve their dignity" too

Whether we approve of their feelings or not, many women feel this way. I know women who've used that word. I was unable to bf so have only had to use bottles in public.

@CoolOven

CoolOven You might offer your daughter a scarf at home??

Well, no, I wasn't clear I suppose. It's something I might offer if there were a lot of people around. Not for my benefit, or even for the people around.

Bonus points for "preserve their dignity" too

Whether we approve of their feelings or not, many women feel this way. I know women who've used that word. I was unable to bf so have only had to use bottles in public.

Offering the scarf in a busy place is different to offering it to the mother of a newborn, in her own empty living room on the day she comes home from hospital. I don’t think you should offer it at all, but I could see it coming from a misguided idea of being helpful out and about. Definitely not in the case I was describing though.

I would be careful offering a scarf if the mother is happily getting on with feeding without one as it does suggest you think she’s doing something wrong

Point taken. I can see that now. It would not have been my intention though, and maybe not for some others who are being described on here.

Why do some of you have an issue with others wanting BFing mums to be discreet? Is it a feminist thing? Is it genuinely that difficult for you?

I have mentioned above I am an EBF mum to a young baby. I want to feel comfortable feeding him whenever he is hungry snd mostly I do. If I don't it's usually in my head rather than anything anyone has done or said. However I do not see why doing so discreetly is an issue? Why is it only the BFing mum's convenience and sensitivity that matters.

PS I have huge boobs but I wouldn't expect others to want to see them. Why would they? And why should they turn away rather than the mother who knows she will be BFing just not where something that requires her to get her whole boob out.

It's not a "flash of boob" some of us are talking about, it's whole boob out for 10, 20 mins or more.

My DH is a bit weird about BFing. He is worse than I am. He is a white man in his mid-40s. Is this generational or cultural? I definitely feel more comfortable BFing in public possibly as I know others do it and I suppose I see them do it. DH probably doesn't. But he is another close the blinds when I am BFing in the front room type. Or wants me to feed baby in the car rather than in a restaurant. I have mentioned I am aware of myself and aim to be discreet so it's not that I show everything but it makes him uncomfortable.

Some normalising of BFing seems to be needed but it seems many of us are on a spectrum of what we are comfortable with.

I used to bf everywhere. I think people saw a lot more of breasts when I was an 18 yr old barmaid though. And no one complained then.

My gran fed her kids on watered down condensed milk. Her kids are all the wrong side of 75 now. Not sure what state their teeth are in.

I don't think there's anything wrong with her trying to provide something to cover you a little bit. I fully support women breastfeeding in public and I've done it multiple times myself, but I have no desire to see another woman's breast in its entirety. Breastfeeding can be done in a dignified and discreet manner.

It's not a "flash of boob" some of us are talking about, it's whole boob out for 10, 20 mins or more.

By your own admission you've only seen this in baby groups.

The majority of the rest of us have never seen it ever.

In the context of a baby group, why do you care? It's just a boob being used to feed a baby - it's natural function. Do you dislike seeing arms holding babies? Hands dressing them?

Even if we are deciding to get our knickers in a twist about breasts auxiliary sexual function, surely this has no relevance at all in a baby group full of mothers?

@Clymene

Why should women feeding their babies be discreet about it?

I mean do you eat your biscuits under a napkin in case anyone sees?

People I know can hear a packet of biscuits opening at fifty paces. It's best to be discrete if you want them to last the hour.

@FrankGrillosWrist

As I sat on a train a few weeks back a woman plonked herself down opposite me, whipped her big floppy tit out right in front of my face & started to breast feed. I had no where to go, or look! Of course I got the glare, as did everyone else on the train. I’ve seen people breast feeding before & hardly noticed. But she was definitely wearing her breast feeding badge of honour on that day.

I travel a lot by train and despite having had a wide variety of people sat opposite me over the years, I've managed to ignore each and every one of them. It wasn't difficult.

I used a light feeding drape thing. It had a mesh opening flap so the baby could see me and vice versa. I personally didn't want my boobs or nipple to be exposed at beginning or end of feed.

@Yogaandcocoa, maybe turn the question around for a moment and ask yourself instead; what exactly is it that you find uncomfortable about an exposed breast, particularly whilst used for feeding? The baby has the nipple and areola in their mouth, the head is covering even more. Even when a mother chooses to feed with her entire breast outside of her clothing, all that can be seen is an area of flesh, the same as with a low cut top. So, where is the issue? This is what needs addressing, not whether a mother feeds she needs to cover every inch of her breast.

Personally, I hate using breastfeeding tops. They are OK if baby latches on and doesn't fuss. But as soon as the baby may come off, then back on again, the bits of fabric around the tiny openings get in the babys mouth, making the fussing worse.

I don't blame you for your feelings. You can't help being a product of our culture. But the attitudes of our culture do need to change. In many ways actually, but those are issues for other threads. I don't agree at all that it is a feminist thing. Rather, a parenting thing.

@Yogaandcocoa

My DH is a bit weird about BFing. He is worse than I am. He is a white man in his mid-40s. Is this generational or cultural? I definitely feel more comfortable BFing in public possibly as I know others do it and I suppose I see them do it. DH probably doesn't. But he is another close the blinds when I am BFing in the front room type. Or wants me to feed baby in the car rather than in a restaurant. I have mentioned I am aware of myself and aim to be discreet so it's not that I show everything but it makes him uncomfortable.

Some normalising of BFing seems to be needed but it seems many of us are on a spectrum of what we are comfortable with.

I'm really sorry your DH isn't supportive of you breastfeeding. That's really sad that he wants you to hide away when you're giving your tiny baby essential nourishment

It's perfectly fine to feed in a way that is comfortable for you. But it's not OK to say the way others feed is not "discreet" enough.

@IHateCoronavirus

As soon as she starts to eat throw a blanket over her head. She’ll get the message. The most offensive tits are the ones complaining, not the ones nourishing a child.

YANBU @Allthingsfloralandpatterned88 Knock yourself out. Breastfeed where ever you want to.

@TheKeatingFive

What I have said is that everyone should be considerate of other people. And if those other people don't like seeing boobs out in public and finds it uncomfortable, it doesn't mean they are wrong.

Why does their need to not 'uncomfortable' trump the need of a baby to be fed without being covered up?

Breastfeeding, contrary to what most pps in this thread seem to think, does not give you a free pass to ride roughshod over the feelings of other people, who are also in the cafe to enjoy themselves.

How does the possibility of seeing a tiny flash of boob interfere with someone's ability to enjoy themselves? And why can't they simply look away if they find it so awfully distressing?

Tbf, being discreet doesn't interfere with the babys ability to feed. I wear a cardigan and lift my top up- and believ me, I'll do it anywhere, no blanket. But it's still discreet.

I think it's ok to be 'considerate' as others put it, or mindful.

There's a healthy in between. I know my rights, and I will breastfeed where I like, but I wouldn't want to make anyone feel unnecessarily awkward, by seeing something too much

P. S. Also, another perspective.. . When I'm out in a cafe, I don't always like to see others eating their food. Some people eat with a mouth open a bit or talk with a full mouth, some are slightly noisy eaters, some a bit messy. But my issue is my own so I look away. There is no reason at all why those people should be thinking about me and my comfort while they enjoy their food. Same for a baby having their meal. Nobody else's feelings are relevant. There is no more reason for the baby or their mother to be discreet as there is for anyone else eating their food. In this case, if the baby's meal involves a breast, then it involves a breast. And as a pp said, the definition of discreet is entirely subjective anyway.

Tbf, being discreet doesn't interfere with the babys ability to feed.

That very much depends on both the baby and people's definition of discreet.

Speaking as someone with large boobs and a fast let down, I often had to pop my babies off the breast briefly to stop them choking. I used the two tops method and I doubt anyone saw anything, but it certainly wasn't as streamlined and easy as I've seen others do.

The problem with demanding people be 'discreet' is that some mothers don't have confidence that they're able to be 'discreet' enough, and the danger is they're put off feeding in public entirely.

There is nothing offensive or inappropriate about female breasts feeding babies.

It is not women and babies responsibility to make other people feel uncomfortable.

I'm sorry your husband views your breasts as his property @Yogaandcocoa

Its definitely a generation thing. I was born in the 70's and my mum and all my aunts consider breastfeeding repulsive and unnecessary. When i had my dc in the late 90's and early 2000's i had the same attitude and so did the majority of my friends. By the time i had last dc in 2006 things were beginning to change, i had a few friends who breast fed. Now my dil and all my younger relatives just automatically breast feed, even if its just for a few weeks, its seen as the norm. I think its great that young mothers today don't have to hide away and can get on with life while breast feeding.

@TheKeatingFive

Tbf, being discreet doesn't interfere with the babys ability to feed.

That very much depends on both the baby and people's definition of discreet.

Speaking as someone with large boobs and a fast let down, I often had to pop my babies off the breast briefly to stop them choking. I used the two tops method and I doubt anyone saw anything, but it certainly wasn't as streamlined and easy as I've seen others do.

The problem with demanding people be 'discreet' is that some mothers don't have confidence that they're able to be 'discreet' enough, and the danger is they're put off feeding in public entirely.

Excellent point.