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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Annoyed with DH

144 replies

Rosebel · 31/10/2021 00:13

I have injured my foot quite badly. My mum has offered to for me to stay with her for a few days so I can rest.
My husband said I can only go if I take the kids with me. I said I'd take youngest but not older two who are teenagers and at school.
My husband said in that case I can't go.
Is he being unreasonable or am I?
YABU you are
YANBU he is

OP posts:
CampagVelocet · 31/10/2021 18:41

Oh my god. He PROBABLY wouldn't physically hurt you? But he might? Because he's had to look after his own children? This isn't normal and it isn't right. Please leave him if you can, if it's safe. Would you want your daughters to be in a relationship like this?

Nanny0gg · 31/10/2021 18:48

@Rosebel

Thanks for the replies. I'm glad I'm not being unreasonable. If I go my husband will just become angry and stroppy. He probably wouldn't physically hurt me but would expect me to do absolutely everything he wanted when I got home. If I said no he'd say well I looked after the girls for you. I don't think he wants us to separate but he doesn't even like me going out without him. He prefers me to stay at home except for work.
What do YOU want?

Surely you don't want to live like this?

And what do your children think about their bully of a father?

And 'probably' won't hurt you? You need to get out. Please look on the Relationship board for the best way to do it.

Bellyups · 31/10/2021 19:17

Seriously, how do these cunts find women to marry/breed with?

DrSbaitso · 31/10/2021 20:04

@Bellyups

Seriously, how do these cunts find women to marry/breed with?
It's amazing what women will put up with, even facilitate, rather than risk being thought of as not very nice.
FangsForTheMemory · 31/10/2021 20:29

He 'probably' wouldn't hurt you? Darling, just LISTEN to yourself! Honestly, you need to set your bar a lot higher.

user1471442488 · 31/10/2021 20:40

@Rosebel

Thanks for the replies. I'm glad I'm not being unreasonable. If I go my husband will just become angry and stroppy. He probably wouldn't physically hurt me but would expect me to do absolutely everything he wanted when I got home. If I said no he'd say well I looked after the girls for you. I don't think he wants us to separate but he doesn't even like me going out without him. He prefers me to stay at home except for work.
Do you want to live like this? Do you want your daughters to grow up and get into relationships like this because they think it’s normal?

He’s controlling and abusive. I hope for your sake and your girls, that you gather the courage to leave him.

AutumnTreesBloom · 31/10/2021 20:45

This sounds bloody awful.
You're the one who is supposed to be resting but it looks like he'll be the one getting the rest if you go to your mum's and take all of the kids.

Starseeking · 31/10/2021 20:47

This man sounds appalling OP. You need the rest, so go to your DM's and take the youngest with you. No further discussion.

Tempusfudgeit · 31/10/2021 20:49

'Annoyed' with DH? You should be fucking fuming.

saraclara · 31/10/2021 21:10

No wonder your mum wants you to go to hers. She must be worried sick about you being married to a man like this.

MyMushroomsInATimeSlip · 31/10/2021 21:15

@GroggyLegs

Leave him & then he can have the kids EOW all by himself and you can have a rest.

Seriously though, OP - how has it come to this? You dont need strangers to authorise 3 days at your Mums to heal from an injury. Your DH should be caring for you at home, not whining because someone else is offering to do it.

He sounds a lazy bastard.

Or he could do nothing as non resident parents get to choose how much they are willing to have their children. And that might be no time at all.
HouseOfFire · 31/10/2021 21:25

@Blindleadingtheblind

What a turd. That's not on. Hope the clots have gone.

no, I think the Clot is still there

Speakuptomakeyourselfheard · 31/10/2021 21:54

OP every single person on here has told you that the way your husband is treating you is ABUSIVE and NOT OK. Has your mother ever commented on the way he treats you? As other posters have said, she must be worried sick about what you are putting up with, and don't think she doesn't know, Mum's pick up on these things. PLEASE, PLEASE, wake up! You only get one life, why spend it trying to please someone who doesn't appreciate or even care about you enough to see that you get the rest prescribed by a professional. Get angry! Bully's very often back down when you turn and shout back at them you know, or are you scared that he just might get physical? Please take this opportunity to go to your Mum's get the rest you need to recover, and then leave this selfish bastard before he grinds you down even further. It actually makes me angry that you are allowing this man to dictate to you, and that by accepting this behaviour, you're modelling to your teenage daughters that putting up with abusive behaviour is acceptable. IT'S NOT!!

KittensWearingWoollyMittens · 31/10/2021 23:32

This reminds me of my first husband. I could honestly have written your OP 20 years ago when he behaved like this. Once we had DD it was all my responsibility and he wanted a medal any time he even fed her or changed a nappy. It got worse too over the course of 3 years. The final straw was him calling me selfish because I needed to stay overnight in hospital following complications from an ERPC (I had been 14 weeks pregnant, went for my scan and was told the baby had stopped growing at 7 weeks). He told me to discharge myself from hospital. He drove me home and made me cook tea. I realised then he did not give a shit about me except to meet his needs and I made plans to leave. It was the right decision. OP, please evaluate this relationship honestly. What does he bring to the table? Do you put off going home from work? What do you think life will be like when your children have grown up and moved out? FlowersI wish you the best OP

MissMogwai · 01/11/2021 20:12

I don't think you need us to tell you that you deserve much better than this.

I bet years of his controlling, selfish and manipulative behaviour have worn you down to where it's easier not to rock the boat. He knows this.

Make a list of all the things that would be better/easier/more relaxed if he was gone. I'll bet that they are simple things the rest of us wouldn't bat an eyelid at.

Do you meet friends, or have any time for yourself at all?

Lasair · 01/11/2021 21:22

Oh op. I’m sorry. You’re being abused by him. None of this is normal. None. They are his kids, he’s not doing some sort of favour.

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 01/11/2021 21:27

He wont want you to separate because he like to control you. That doesn't mean he loves or respects you. he clearly doesn't.

You said you don't want to leave because sometimes it is good. Really, you need to look at this more accurately. Sometimes it is good but only when you are doing everything he wants amd expects you to do without argument.

hotmeatymilk · 01/11/2021 21:29

Your husband needs to get in the bin.
A bin with a lid.
At the bottom of the sea.

OP, he’s awful. And if he “probably” won’t hurt you I can see how you wouldn’t want to risk leaving your older children behind. How far away is your mum’s – can they get to school from there?

What’s the house situation – do you own, if you rent is it in your name or his? Have you got access to money? How easy would it be to leave now – not just to your mum’s, but for good?

NoraEphronsNeck · 02/11/2021 22:56

[quote updownroundandround]@Rosebel

And you capitulating to his totally unreasonable 'demands' is how you want your daughters to be treated by their husbands in the future is it ?

You must start behaving like an adult and NOT his bloody slave ffs !!

Also, if your stairs are too much for your own Mother, how the bloody hell are you supposed to manage them with your injury ?? Hmm

You need to go to your Mothers to rest, and he needs to be told to take care of his bloody kids !!

It will be well worth the upset when you see your own DD's refusing to put up with being treated like shit in the future !

You are NOT his servant.
You are NOT his employee.
You are NOT less important than HIM.

If he chooses to kick up a shit storm because he's choosing to prioritize himself above ALL other members of HIS OWN BLOODY FAMILY, then so be it !

Why do you think it's OK for him to be such a prize prick ?? Hmm[/quote]
Brilliant post!

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