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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Annoyed with DH

144 replies

Rosebel · 31/10/2021 00:13

I have injured my foot quite badly. My mum has offered to for me to stay with her for a few days so I can rest.
My husband said I can only go if I take the kids with me. I said I'd take youngest but not older two who are teenagers and at school.
My husband said in that case I can't go.
Is he being unreasonable or am I?
YABU you are
YANBU he is

OP posts:
godmum56 · 31/10/2021 08:29

How is he going to stop you?

pictish · 31/10/2021 08:32

What’s his big issue with looking after his kids?
He says he doesn’t want to be left with the teenagers (or indeed any of them)….why??

MiniPumpkin · 31/10/2021 08:35

What’s his reason for saying you can’t go ??? 100% agree with others who have said who does he think he is. I think you need to go.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 31/10/2021 08:44

I think you're massively under reacting.

If he can't look after teenagers for a couple of days to help you recover then he doesn't care about you at all, and this isn't a partnership. He clearly doesn't care about them either if he is happy them being off for GCSEs when they don't need to be. There could be no 'good times' to make up for this level of selfishness. I can't believe he resented looking after his own kids for 2 days while you were in hospital. This isn't normal.

iklboogiemaninthecloset · 31/10/2021 08:45

TBH in reality if you've got a DH and two teen children at home, I don't see why you can't stay home and have complete rest? They can look after the younger child and look after you.

Like that would happen. Her husband has made it clear he WON'T look after the children.

pictish · 31/10/2021 08:46

@DrinkFeckArseBrick

I think you're massively under reacting.

If he can't look after teenagers for a couple of days to help you recover then he doesn't care about you at all, and this isn't a partnership. He clearly doesn't care about them either if he is happy them being off for GCSEs when they don't need to be. There could be no 'good times' to make up for this level of selfishness. I can't believe he resented looking after his own kids for 2 days while you were in hospital. This isn't normal.

Agreed.

That’s why I’m asking what he says the issue is…I can’t imagine a plausible explanation for this behaviour.

ToykotoLosAngeles · 31/10/2021 08:49

Yuck. Why's he not your ex-husband yet? Are we in 1860 where you need "permission" to do things?

Ourlady · 31/10/2021 08:51

You are married to a horrible twat. I can't believe the 'good times' are any way near enough to want to stay married to this bastard of a man!

DrSbaitso · 31/10/2021 08:59

If you tell us he's lovely in all other ways and a good dad, I'm going to start crying.

DeireadhFomhair · 31/10/2021 08:59

I'm actually shocked at this Shock
How can you think it's OK? You need rest, recommended by a medical professional- he needs to step up!

I really hope you recognise his reaction is not normal, but is selfish and shows his complete lack of respect for you. Please think about this - preferably at your mum's, while resting & without the children.

MsWalterMitty · 31/10/2021 09:03

@MamanSparkles

He finishes at 3.30? Please tell me this man is not a teacher who thinks it is ok for your GCSE year DD to just have a week off school so he doesnt need to parent her...
FFS!!! Teachers don’t finish at 3:30!! The students do, but the teachers certainly DO NOT!!
EnterFunnyNameHere · 31/10/2021 09:04

If the situation were reversed, how would you be acting?

After answering the above, why don't you think you deserve the same treatment/support that you'd provide to him?

Fireflygal · 31/10/2021 09:04

Can you tellus here about the fallout? What will he do or say?

Just talking about it will hopefully help you realise what you have to tolerate.

ellyoctober · 31/10/2021 09:06

What is your relationship like when you're in rude health?

MrsTulipTattsyrup · 31/10/2021 09:07

I would divorce him, and then he’d be forced to do some parenting during his access time and you’d actually get a break sometimes.

This isn’t a partnership, OP. He’s proven he isn’t there for you when you need him, not once but twice now.

Don’t keep giving and giving to your own detriment when there’s nothing coming in the other direction.

Limer · 31/10/2021 09:09

What a prize belled your DH is. I can only assume he's angling for a divorce and wants you to start the ball rolling. Why else would he be acting like this?

Hmmmm5 · 31/10/2021 09:21

@Rosebel

Three nights and he finishes work at 3 :30 for the next six weeks so it doesn't intefer with the children. He's refusing because I wound up in hospital last year with blood clots on my lungs and he had to look after the kids then. He doesn't get that it was life threatening and it was, only 2 days. I know he won't change his mind though.
What on earth? He resents you for being in hospital with something that could have easily killed you because he had to look after the kids for 2 days??

OP are you reading that back to yourself? "He doesn't get that it was life threatening", more like he didn't care whatsoever because it meant he had to parent his own kids for a bit.

This guy sounds awful OP!

MissMogwai · 31/10/2021 09:22

What a selfish and controlling man. Why doesn't he think he is responsible for looking after his own kids, on his own!
Have you asked him why he thinks he can tell you what you can and can't do?

Do you want to be in this marriage? Imagine yours and the kids lives without him there - I bet it would be less stressful and tense.

Lalliella · 31/10/2021 09:35

@Rosebel

He just said I can go but then added I still have to take all 3 kids with me. He absolutely knows I can't as they are at school and eldest is doing her GCSEs. I know people are saying just go but I know what the fall out will be. I don't want to leave him (sometimes things are really good) but I sometimes feel like he doesn't care about me and only wants me around to look after the kids and house.
Tell him you’re going anyway, you’re just taking the youngest and you don’t have to have his permission because he’s not your keeper and you’re an autonomous adult capable of making your own decisions.
LittleOwl153 · 31/10/2021 09:44

I'd leave it till Monday. Go to your mums after the teens go to school. Is your youngest in school or does going to your mums mean they can't go? Can your mum fetch you?
Tell the teens what you are doing before they go to school - at y11 I am sure she can look after herself and a slightly younger sister. Can you order in some shopping for before you go so they have stuff they can cook/eat? At 15/16 they only really need an adult presence over night. They'll cope for a few days even if their dad is an arse.

Essentially others are right he's he's twat and you need to leave him he is not the boss. You need to do what is right for your health. Unless he is going to stay home and look after you you are very entitled to get someone else to do this. He is the kids parent too it is not all your responsibility. I'd leave this twat before you end up relying on him in your old age when the kids are not there to help. And they do see the way he treats you by the way- what would you day if one of your girls got I to a relationship where they were treated like this?

Cherrysoup · 31/10/2021 09:50

Who died and put him in charge? He’s being an arse, but you already know this. What would happen if you split and he had 50/50 custody? Oh yeah, he’d refuse and you’d be left in the same situation, him doing fuck all and you doing everything, as per. You have much bigger problems than this situation.

Bobsyer · 31/10/2021 10:00

@Rosebel

Three nights and he finishes work at 3 :30 for the next six weeks so it doesn't intefer with the children. He's refusing because I wound up in hospital last year with blood clots on my lungs and he had to look after the kids then. He doesn't get that it was life threatening and it was, only 2 days. I know he won't change his mind though.
Either he’s a complete arsehole or he’s seriously hard of thinking.

Take all the kids and never go back would be my advice. Doesn’t sound like he offers much to your relationship.

Happylittlethoughts · 31/10/2021 10:17

I voted YABU because you are even entertaining a dick like this

SRS29 · 31/10/2021 10:23

@devildeepbluesea

Bloody hell. I bloody hate threads like this. Makes me so sad that so many women are settling for shitty, selfish wankers like your husband OP.
This....I read so many threads like this and makes me so sad and angry that women actually choose to to live like this, and I don't say that lightly. There are many many well advertised support agencies out there to help people change their lives.
OhMyfanwy · 31/10/2021 10:36

Go to your mums. Take all the children. Tell the school why you have no option but to disrupt their education. This will put you on the map for any future concerns
Have a good hard think while you are resting. The worse thing that could happen would be for things to stay the same