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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Annoyed with DH

144 replies

Rosebel · 31/10/2021 00:13

I have injured my foot quite badly. My mum has offered to for me to stay with her for a few days so I can rest.
My husband said I can only go if I take the kids with me. I said I'd take youngest but not older two who are teenagers and at school.
My husband said in that case I can't go.
Is he being unreasonable or am I?
YABU you are
YANBU he is

OP posts:
Dancingsmile · 31/10/2021 10:43

To me this is a massive red flag.
What will he do if you ever get a long term illness ?
He really doesn't care about you .
He's controlling.
You are letting him have final decisions and to be controlled.
Is your mum offering for you to go there as she knows he won't care for you ?

VampireVicki · 31/10/2021 10:53

Can you explain what the fall out would be OP?

Do you really think he has the right to be the boss of you and to tell you where you can and cannot go?

Would he be violent?

If you are worried he would want to split then Yippee - freedom awaits.

Concestor · 31/10/2021 11:04

Go to your mum and while you're there start planning your divorce.

Personally I'd leave the children, all of them, with him while I did this but you might prefer to take them with you.

He isn't a keeper, time to let him go.

beautifullymad · 31/10/2021 11:24

Just go with the youngest two. Leave a note saying you can't get the oldest two to school from your mums so he will need to be there for them whist you heal.

Tell him you are worried if you don't look after your injury it may worsen, meaning he has to be main carer for all the children. And you understand how hard he found this last time. So you feel this is your best course of action.

then turn your phone off for a few days.

JSL52 · 31/10/2021 11:36

I'd get your mum to pick you and the youngest up , will he kick off in front of her ?
He's their bloody dad ffs.
Are you scared of him ?

WonderfulYou · 31/10/2021 11:51

My husband said in that case I can't go.

You are a grown adult!
No one can tell you what you can and can’t do!

WonderfulYou · 31/10/2021 11:52

Can you explain what the fall out would be OP?

I echo what a PP said.

What is going to happen if you just go anyway?

IAmTheLovechildOfYvesAndIsabel · 31/10/2021 12:14

For all the people (absolutely correctly) saying take the kids and don't come back and you don't need his permission to do anything, I think the point is that OP has been in this situation for years and years. Controlling behaviour increases over time, because if they acted like this on the first date, they (hopefully) wouldn't get a second one!
I imagine it's been an insidious journey over the last - what 15 - 20 years? So much so that the OP is actually asking "am I in the wrong?"
Please, please listen to every single poster on this thread that you started because there's still a part of you that knows you're in the right, knows this man is so insecure he's treating you as a possession. If you have to ask permission to go to your mother's house to heal an injury you are in a very out of balance relationship and it's not ok. Your elderly mum obviously recognises something is not right otherwise wouldn't she just expect that her son in law would take care of her DD? You say your teens are girls so be aware of the relationship structure you've modelled for them already and make a move for their sakes and the future of your other child if you cannot yet do it for yourself.
There is help available to you OP. There are also many wonderful, supportive women on MN that will be willing to hold your hand virtually, you've just got to make a decision in your mind, that's the first step.

Polly271220 · 31/10/2021 12:36

Why are you still with this twat

MamanSparkles · 31/10/2021 12:45

@MsWalterMitty I know teachers work longer hours. I just wondered if OP meant in terms of contact hours finishing at 3.30 so he could collect teens then work from home or something in the evening for the few days she is away. But she has confirmed not a teacher so irrelevant.

updownroundandround · 31/10/2021 13:11

@Rosebel

And you capitulating to his totally unreasonable 'demands' is how you want your daughters to be treated by their husbands in the future is it ?

You must start behaving like an adult and NOT his bloody slave ffs !!

Also, if your stairs are too much for your own Mother, how the bloody hell are you supposed to manage them with your injury ?? Hmm

You need to go to your Mothers to rest, and he needs to be told to take care of his bloody kids !!

It will be well worth the upset when you see your own DD's refusing to put up with being treated like shit in the future !

You are NOT his servant.
You are NOT his employee.
You are NOT less important than HIM.

If he chooses to kick up a shit storm because he's choosing to prioritize himself above ALL other members of HIS OWN BLOODY FAMILY, then so be it !

Why do you think it's OK for him to be such a prize prick ?? Hmm

PinkiOcelot · 31/10/2021 13:26

What the actual fuck?!

Your husband is an absolute prick! Why don’t you want to leave him? He’s a wanker of the first order!!

I can’t believe what I’m reading here tbh.

WickedWitchOfTheTrent · 31/10/2021 16:00

Who made him boss?

Just go op.

Original poster
Rosebel · 31/10/2021 17:45

Thanks for the replies. I'm glad I'm not being unreasonable.
If I go my husband will just become angry and stroppy. He probably wouldn't physically hurt me but would expect me to do absolutely everything he wanted when I got home.
If I said no he'd say well I looked after the girls for you.
I don't think he wants us to separate but he doesn't even like me going out without him. He prefers me to stay at home except for work.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 31/10/2021 17:47

Are they not his children then?

Original poster
Rosebel · 31/10/2021 17:54

Yes all the kids are his too.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 31/10/2021 17:59

The more you write the worse it gets, he is coercive and controlling

You aren't allowed out unless you go to work!

Rheia1983 · 31/10/2021 18:01

OP, I feel so sad when I read your messages. Why do you want to live this way?

Bookwormbitch · 31/10/2021 18:15

@Rosebel

Things that stand out are you saying he ‘probably’ wouldn’t physically hurt you and how he is controlling when you go out and where. If one of your children was in this kind of relationship, what would you say? How would you feel? I’m so sorry that you’re having to live like this

Cuntness · 31/10/2021 18:25

Your husband is disgusting.

VladmirsPoutine · 31/10/2021 18:30

I'd go to your mum's for some rest and whilst there begin planning divorce. This is no way to live.

arethereanyleftatall · 31/10/2021 18:33

'He would expect me to do everything he wanted because he looked after the girls for you'

Firstly, why? (For he's not 'helping you out', they're 50/50 his children)

Secondly, what kind of things would he want?

Thirdly, why would you do it?

You seem so utterly worn down by this op, as if his behaviour is somehow acceptable or normal. Or at least, as if you should just get on with it or something. YOU DONT HAVE TO!!

daisyjgrey · 31/10/2021 18:34

Your husband is being a monumental prick.

arethereanyleftatall · 31/10/2021 18:37

It isn't up to him if you separate or not. Who cares whether he wants to or not? It's up to you.

I'll be blunt op. Your life is miserable. You don't have to accept it. I expect you're staying 'for the children'. Here's the irony - they'll be happier when you're free of him.

Or you're staying for the money. Well, he'll have to pay you maintenance. Hopefully you're in the uk, you can get benefits if need be.

This isn't a fait accompli.

peaceanddove · 31/10/2021 18:39

@Rosebel

He just said I can go but then added I still have to take all 3 kids with me. He absolutely knows I can't as they are at school and eldest is doing her GCSEs. I know people are saying just go but I know what the fall out will be. I don't want to leave him (sometimes things are really good) but I sometimes feel like he doesn't care about me and only wants me around to look after the kids and house.
Take it from me - he definitely doesn't care about you and he definitely does only want you around to look after the kids and house.