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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

what do i do

114 replies

agnesireland · 30/10/2021 23:08

so i need to move asap for a fresh start for me and ds3 (13) and dd2 (10). theres a few reasons why and i dont want to drip feed but i'm trying to keep this short and to the point. we’re living in NI right now but i want to leave the country for good. we will be potentially homeless soon. i cant decide between nevada (my mum and stepdad live there) or scotland where my brother lives with his family. i’m basically looking for a complete fresh start bc I cant live this life anymore… i need to leave with my youngest two. i want ds2 (he’s 15) to come too but his dad wont let me .
please help what would u do in my situation? i want whats best for my kids but i also need out of this environment

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mrsbyers · 30/10/2021 23:09

Can you move to Nevada ? You may have family there but that doesn’t mean you will be allowed in

SinoohXaenaHide · 30/10/2021 23:13

Could you not make a fresh start somewhere a bit more accessible, like less than 2 hours of travelling time away? Your DS15 will feel totally abandoned and adrift if you leave him behind. I support your need to get away but you could do some serious damage there. A 2 hour journey time is enough to get emotional and practical distance from your old life without making it impossible to keep frequently seeing your 15yo child.

Original poster
agnesireland · 30/10/2021 23:15

sorry i should have clarified my mum is From nevada and i have dual citizenship

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Skysblue · 30/10/2021 23:15

Scotland, so you can see your 15 yr okd as he gets older. 3 yrs will pass quicky and then he’ll be free to join you if he likes.

Nevada sounds more complicated and you might have immigration issues too.

Original poster
agnesireland · 30/10/2021 23:20

@SinoohXaenaHide thankyou for understanding that i need to get away.. i just hate NI at this point and want somewhere completely new all my family that live here i have strained relationships with. i live near a halting site and i've spent the past fifteen years moving between various ones authority provided and not... ds2 doesnt want contact with me me , his dad has full custody and won't let me near him , its probably better for him to be around his dad and not me

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Original poster
agnesireland · 30/10/2021 23:22

thank you , yes the issues with immigration are confusing me cause i've got duel citizenship but its all so confusing over there with social security and what not ... my brother lives in the highlands with his wife and kids

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Notimeforaname · 30/10/2021 23:22

its probably better for him to be around his dad and not me

Why?

Original poster
agnesireland · 30/10/2021 23:26

@Notimeforaname a few reasons ... his dad has a big family round him brothers parents ect , here its just me , ds3 and dd2 plus their dad who im separated from so if he's with his dad he has a lot more people looking out for him , he's settled in a halting site where his dad lives (he's always lived there) and is going to start an apprentice ship nearby.

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Kneller92 · 30/10/2021 23:30

I would say Scotland would probably be less of a culture shock for you and your children plus still close to family members and ability to go back to NI more easily to see your son should the opportunity arise

RussianSpy101 · 30/10/2021 23:32

Where are your eldest 2 children living? Surely you don’t want to move to a different continent without 3 of your children?

I get things can get hard sometimes but try and think about it logically and how this may feel to your children.

Notimeforaname · 30/10/2021 23:34

Then I'd go with Scotland. The closest you can be to your son.

nimbuscloud · 30/10/2021 23:36

Scotland would be best

Hohofortherobbers · 30/10/2021 23:38

What is a halting site?

Hohofortherobbers · 30/10/2021 23:39

Why do you have to leave the country? Why not just further away

FlowerArranger · 30/10/2021 23:40

@agnesireland

thank you , yes the issues with immigration are confusing me cause i've got duel citizenship but its all so confusing over there with social security and what not ... my brother lives in the highlands with his wife and kids
You say you are a dual citizen, but what about your children? Unless they qualify for US citizenship, they would need immigration visas, which in turn would mean that you need proof that you can support yourself and them.

I'm not sure why you are asking about social security. One needs 40 quarters/10 years of SS contributions to qualify for SS/retirement benefits.

Have you actually lived in the US? It's very different from the UK and very much based on a sink or swim attitude. I'd think carefully before uprouting yourself and your children, particularly if it meant having to leave one of your children behind.

parietal · 30/10/2021 23:43

scotland sounds like a good option. a move to the USA is a big deal and expensive. you would have to buy a car there as well as finding rent, and paying health insurance etc. It would be v hard if you don't have a good job lined up already.

what kind of job do you have?

Thecathouse · 30/10/2021 23:48

@Hohofortherobbers

What is a halting site?
It's a residential site for travellers provided by the local authority - a residential caravan park basically
Courtier · 30/10/2021 23:55

Costs a hell of a lot more to move to the US with two kids than to Scotland. Also remember you will need a job and health insurance in America whereas in Scotland you get the NHS and after 3 years your children get free university education (which could cost 10s or 100s of thousands in the US).

Original poster
agnesireland · 31/10/2021 00:06

i'm reading through all your responses and going to reply one at a time , thank you so much for ur help everyone (also sorry if i'm taking a while to respond, damn dyslexia lol)

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Original poster
agnesireland · 31/10/2021 00:13

@RussianSpy101 my eldest dd is 28 and is pretty much nc with me... i was only 17 when i had her so my dad and stepmum raised her, she came to live with me as a teenager but it didnt work out and she has her own family now.. thats obvs not me saying i dont care about being away from her btw but i just mean she is independent now and can cope by herself
my eldest ds is just turned 29 and lives in the states, his dads family raised him.

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Original poster
agnesireland · 31/10/2021 00:14

**sorry meant to say ds is 20 not 29

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Original poster
agnesireland · 31/10/2021 00:17

@Hohofortherobbers ive considered just moving county , my sister who lives a couple of hours away from me is trying to convince me to do that and to try and get a social housing but i really just want out of the country. its hard to explain.. a big part of it is that i want as far away as possible from my youngest kids' dad and some of my family / people who are here

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nancy75 · 31/10/2021 00:22

I’m probably going to get a kicking for this but here goes.

Is moving going to change things or are all your issues going with you?
3 of your children have been brought up by other people & you have a strained relationship with all your nearby family.
There is no point uprooting your children if things are going to be the same again in a couple of years

Original poster
agnesireland · 31/10/2021 00:29

@FlowerArranger thank you for a thorough response - this has given me a lot of food for thought and raises things in hadn't considered..

i lived in the states for a bit in my twenties, with my mum and stepdad.. they basically forces me to come over and get into rehab (best thing theyve ever done tbh.. it genuinely saved my life so i'm not meaning forced in a bad way. i met ds1's dad there and he was born there and still lives there.

i really enjoyed the cultural feel of america (idk how to word that) but i think i would struggle to support the kids on my own the more i think about it.. like i don't know what the jobs i could do - when i lived there in my twenties i was reliant on first my mum (cause i was so ill) and then ds1's dad and his family. part of moving is i want to be completely independent able to provide for the kids on my own so yeah i would defo struggle to do that more in the US i think..

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Original poster
agnesireland · 31/10/2021 00:40

@parietal yes this is a good point.. atm i do odd jobs round the site so like a bit of cleaning , some hairdressing , babysitting, i can tailor / take in dresses and stuff too - just whatever needs doing basically i'll do it.. obviously that's a very community orientated " job " (or as my kids dad likes to say, not a real job) and relies on word of mouth so it wouldn't be so easy to find work in the US :/ but, i have a lot of practical skills, i know i would probably have to work multiple jobs to support us and thats fine with me
i cant drive so that would be a problem too, i remember how bad the public transport was back when i lived there in my twenties and i cant imagine it would be much better now

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