what do i do

[agnesireland]

so i need to move asap for a fresh start for me and ds3 (13) and dd2 (10). theres a few reasons why and i dont want to drip feed but i'm trying to keep this short and to the point. we’re living in NI right now but i want to leave the country for good. we will be potentially homeless soon. i cant decide between nevada (my mum and stepdad live there) or scotland where my brother lives with his family. i’m basically looking for a complete fresh start bc I cant live this life anymore… i need to leave with my youngest two. i want ds2 (he’s 15) to come too but his dad wont let me .
please help what would u do in my situation? i want whats best for my kids but i also need out of this environment

Where does the dad of your youngest too live? Is he involved in their lives in any way?

also sorry i should have said in my op. a halting site is a trailer park basically but the council provides it, as @Thecathouse said

@nancy75 i actually really appreciate that you've mentioned that coz its something i've thought a lot, about myself. on paper it sounds bad i know.. but when i had my first child i was only 17 and i definitely wasnt mature enough to raise her ; even though i dont get on too well with my dad and stepmum it was the best decision for them to raise her. my eldest two sons werent raised by me coz of custody shit, but my younger two i am going to make sure i will have sole custody of once we move.
yeah i dont get on with my dad and stepmum but i get on well with my siblings, theres a lot of issues with addiction and abuse from that side of the family and as a recovering / sober addict it makes it hard to be around them which is why i have issues with them if that makes sense

Scotland for health care / NHS.

@Midlifemusings yeh we live together still sometimes.. its a bit of a messy situation, i'm a recovering addict but he's still actively using and it's a very volatile relationship, i intend to go to court and get full custody and potentially a restraining order cos its so bad at times..

Sounds like you are just running away from your problems. Your kids need stability and their dad might not be okay with you just taking them and leaving - just like the dads of your other three kids.

First, get yourself out of the messy situation - not by trying to abscond to another country but by dealing with the mess.

US cons: gun problem, lack of public transport, two party politics (Nevada is purple-ish but trends red), lack of public Healthcare, though medicaid for low income folks, expensive housing depending on the area
Pros: jobs jobs jobs (tons of blue collar/unskilled jobs available right now, LOADS), good state schools (free), massive country to travel around (Nevada has gorgeous, unique geography), people are generally (in my experience) quite friendly

Can't speak to Scotland, but having family around can be very nice

No matter how far you run, you can't get away from yourself.

If you are a dual citizen, have you been filing your taxes to the IRS?
Many dual citizens who have not lived in the US forget that they need to do this even when living outside the US.

@Midlifemusings i'm not sure what u mean by the dads of my other 3 kids being unhappy i took them and left? i didnt have custody over my eldest two when they was young , with my second the dad was the one who had custody. my third child is also in the custody of his dad. i 100% agree they need stability but atm my youngest two have no stability living with a violent heroin addicted dad who comes and goes and sometimes vanishes for days..
im trying to leave the situation and the " mess " is half their dad and our " relationship" and half living in. a halting site with no support from anyone ... i do understand where ur coming from btw i hope i dont come over snarky or rude or anything but i genuinely dont feel like i have options staying in ireland. moving countrys isnt my way of running away imo its my way of starting afresh for a better life for my kids

As others have said, don't run away - deal with your problems properly and your children will thank you.

@BookFiend4Life thank you for ur response.. honestly the lack of public transport is one of the things that puts me off most cos i dont drive.. im not very clued up on politics what does a purpleish state mean? also the area we would probably be looking to settle in (if we ended up moving there) is indian springs. yes nevada is sooo beautiful and everyone is so nice !! unskilled kinda jobs are all im really qualified for so its good that theres lots bc im willing to (again IF we ended up going there) do literally anything / any kind of job.
yeh im closer (emotionally) to my brother than my mum so if i ended up going to scotland that would be nice and the kids would have an actual decent father figure in there lives lol.

@Einszwei yeh i have dw

If he's a violent heroin addiction call the police. Go to a refuge. You can't have your kids around him.

@Postmanpatsucksdick (btw ur username made me pmsl , love it ) i do understand completely why ppl think im running from my problems but i genuinely want to give my children a better life and i think ill be able to do that if we leave ireland . we live in a halting site .. not sure if youve ever been on one and im sure theres some nice ones but ours is really not, i cant privately rent cos i have no one to act as a guaranter and the social housing lists are insanely long .. the reason im mentioning nevada / scotland specifically is cos i have family there that i have an actual good bond witj who arent addicts or abusive or anything , so the kids will have good family members around them .. and i cant stay with their dad, i just cant, for their sake and for mine

Thanks for replying so thoroughly to the initial questions.

A move to Scotland would be best. You and your children will have more reliable access to healthcare and education. There is much more of a social safety net which you may need as you work towards establishing a reliable income.

I disagree with the posters telling you to stay put and fix your problems where they are. I don't think those people appreciate the reality of your current situation. You can't fix your kids' dad or the wider halting site lifestyle. A fresh start in Scotland certainly won't be trouble free and yes some of your problems are the kind you can't leave behind but in a fresh location you have a better chance of overcoming them and building something better. It will be hard work, but worth it.

@nextdoorslawnmower hes never been violent or abusive to the kids ever , if he so much as laid a finger on them i would kill him myself.. theyve never seen him hit me or anything , he doesn't do it often it's mostly just words and he will push and slap me around if he's had a drink, he doesn't inject or leave any of his shit around the kids either thats the one thing i still love and respect about him .. that he wont act bad around the kids

Moving to America isn’t exactly a fix it. Firstly it’s incredibly expensive and quite difficult re paperwork and you sound like you’ve done absolutely no research on it whatsoever. Plus it’s a lot harder to be in a difficult situation in America than here.

Secondly it sounds like you need some help with the core issues that have got you here. I’m not trying to victim blame but I’ve been the child in this situation, with a mum who kept getting into bad relationships then dragging us kids here there and everywhere for a ‘fresh start.’ It was never ever a fresh start because we were the same people.

[quote agnesireland]@parietal yes this is a good point.. atm i do odd jobs round the site so like a bit of cleaning , some hairdressing , babysitting, i can tailor / take in dresses and stuff too - just whatever needs doing basically i'll do it.. obviously that's a very community orientated " job " (or as my kids dad likes to say, not a real job) and relies on word of mouth so it wouldn't be so easy to find work in the US :/ but, i have a lot of practical skills, i know i would probably have to work multiple jobs to support us and thats fine with me
i cant drive so that would be a problem too, i remember how bad the public transport was back when i lived there in my twenties and i cant imagine it would be much better now[/quote]
Also it’s easy to say you’d be happy to work multiple jobs and it would all be happy jolly over in the US but are you thinking at all of the reality of the situation? While you’re working multiple jobs, who will be caring for your children since you have no family support? There’s very little help over there if you can’t get these multiple jobs.

@SinoohXaenaHide no worries im glad ur taking the time to fully understand my dilemma. truly thank you for that.
yeh i think im leaning more towards scotland bc america is just so expensive, im thinking more and more about ( for example ) health care bills and that sort of stuff and panicking bc no public transport really either so i'd need to learn to drive
at the end of the day i want the best for my kids and the free health + education is a major selling point.. ds3 has adhd and my nephew ( my brothers son ) who lives in scotland also has it and hes left school now but he had a free educational psychologist , nhs counselling ect.

your last paragraph .. thank you so much for getting it. i agree , i know its very easy to say well just leave your kids dad and move out of the halting site but in reality its so hard.. the halting site lifestyle is really bad ( at least in our area , maybe there are some good ones out there idk ) and i cant "fix" it. leaving a bad environment isnt running away from my problems.. thank you for seeing that 🙏🏻

@Kanaloa out of curiosity what core issues are you referring to ? im 100% not being snarky or anything btw i just want to make sure i know what you mean before i respond , bc i don't know if your talking about my kids dad or the halting site or what ..
also ok i will accept i havent done much research on america .. i spent five years living there before in my twenties so i was just basing everything on that but at the time i just had a child who was a naturalized citizen with me and my mum sorted out me moving over there in the first place

I think you would be wise to physically move away from the toxicity of heroin addiction and an unsupportive community.

But you will need to make a big effort to make good connections wherever it is you go. So maybe have some kind of plan, maybe think about enrolling in a training course or some sort of study - somewhere you'll meet people with similar goals who aren't connected to you by alcohol/drugs or familial relationships.

Join things that are good for the soul - focus on supporting your children's education and wellbeing, and keeping yourself well. It'll take time to put down roots but it will be worth it if you make a point of sticking with people and pasttimes that are good for you and your children.

Don't go to the States if you don't get on with your Mum & Stepdad and can't drive, it'll be miserable.

Maybe one of your goals can be to learn to drive then when your kids are a bit older you could visit Nevada, be more independent and get a taste of how you could settle there (if you still want to).

@Kanaloa is also making some very important points;

I’ve been the child in this situation, with a mum who kept getting into bad relationships then dragging us kids here there and everywhere for a ‘fresh start.’ It was never ever a fresh start because we were the same people.

Part of your fresh start needs to be learning how to live free from relationships with terrible men. Resolve to just be single for at least the next 3 years and get some counselling to help understand your own issues and why you have been attracted to men who are violent, abusive and addicted. Don't start dating again until you have gained enough wisdom, insight and self-respect to recognise and call an immediate halt if the same patterns start re-emerging. Do not put your own desires for a relationship above the wellbeing of your children. They need stability and support and the move to Scotland will be tough for them. If it works out though, they will be way better off than they would be growing up at the halting site. But for their sake this has to be the last "fresh start" - anything that isn't improved by a move to Scotland will not subsequently be fixed by a further move to somewhere else.

[quote agnesireland]@BookFiend4Life thank you for ur response.. honestly the lack of public transport is one of the things that puts me off most cos i dont drive.. im not very clued up on politics what does a purpleish state mean? also the area we would probably be looking to settle in (if we ended up moving there) is indian springs. yes nevada is sooo beautiful and everyone is so nice !! unskilled kinda jobs are all im really qualified for so its good that theres lots bc im willing to (again IF we ended up going there) do literally anything / any kind of job.
yeh im closer (emotionally) to my brother than my mum so if i ended up going to scotland that would be nice and the kids would have an actual decent father figure in there lives lol. [/quote]
Purpleish means that when there are elections it's a bit of a toss up whether the state will go republican (red/conservative) or Democrat (blue/liberal). Nevada leans blue in urban areas and very red in rural areas. I would say driving is a must unless you're in a truly big city. It's very different to Europe in that respect, even large towns like Las Vegas can be incredibly spread out.

It sounds like you're leaning towards Scotland and family which is probably the same choice I would make! Best of luck OP.

[quote agnesireland]@Kanaloa out of curiosity what core issues are you referring to ? im 100% not being snarky or anything btw i just want to make sure i know what you mean before i respond , bc i don't know if your talking about my kids dad or the halting site or what ..
also ok i will accept i havent done much research on america .. i spent five years living there before in my twenties so i was just basing everything on that but at the time i just had a child who was a naturalized citizen with me and my mum sorted out me moving over there in the first place[/quote]
What core issues? A child who is no contact with you, issues with other kids’ dads ‘coz of custody issues,’ leaving a 15 year old behind for a ‘fresh start,’ abusive relationships with drug addicts, a past drug addiction yourself.

These are all huge issues that will have affected your children massively. This isn’t all about you feeling you have had a ‘fresh start.’ Your children will feel uprooted repeatedly, torn away from heir siblings and other family (no matter how toxic they are) and no sense of stability. These are issues you need to examine to see whether or not you can really just have a fresh start or whether you need help to manage things, such as some social services support or similar.