what do i do

[agnesireland]

so i need to move asap for a fresh start for me and ds3 (13) and dd2 (10). theres a few reasons why and i dont want to drip feed but i'm trying to keep this short and to the point. we’re living in NI right now but i want to leave the country for good. we will be potentially homeless soon. i cant decide between nevada (my mum and stepdad live there) or scotland where my brother lives with his family. i’m basically looking for a complete fresh start bc I cant live this life anymore… i need to leave with my youngest two. i want ds2 (he’s 15) to come too but his dad wont let me .
please help what would u do in my situation? i want whats best for my kids but i also need out of this environment

@Kneller92

I would say Scotland would probably be less of a culture shock for you and your children plus still close to family members and ability to go back to NI more easily to see your son should the opportunity arise

I agree with this.

Scotland is a much more practial choice.

Where would you live in Scotland?
Is the plan to move in with your brother and his family?
If so, has this been discussed with him (and his wife/partner, if relevant), or are you assuming he would support the move?

@agnesireland you are very welcome. I hope you and your family manage to settle down in a safe environment. You've won half the battle by wanting to change things for the better. Now do some research and contact organisations who can help you to escape.

Details for apprenticeships, there's no age limit so don't be put off by it being associated for teenagers. You can start an apprenticeship at any age.

www.gov.uk/become-apprentice

@flirtygirl thank you so much for your response. people not rtft have made me feel really shit tbh .. i keep saying im not happy living in this place , i feel like people dont know how bad halting sites can be , im surrounded by addicts including the father of my children.. why on earth is it more logical to stay living there..

i cant move in NI, our social housing lists in my county are so long that my kids would literally be in there 20s by the time we got a place .. and i cant afford to rent locally, even if i could i dont have anyone i could use as a guarantor and the family i have here i cant live with cos either a ) no space or b ) theyre also addicts and in similar shitty situations.

in scotland my brother has said he'll help me out.. him and his wife and kids are the only family i have over there but they're all clean hardworking decent people . we would be safer there. im committed to building a better life for my kids , as soon as we arrive in scotland (if thats where we go) im going to start applying for jobs and saving up a deposit ect.

also thank you for ur REALISTIC input of what social services would be like ... i mean those of us on halting sites they treat badly enough and dont give a sh*t unless theres actual really bad abuse going on in the home and even then sometimes they won't do a thing.. everyone has this idea of social services being this magical thing that solves everything but ive been involved with ss my whole life ( since i was 14 ) , i know the realitys .

thank you so much for your kind response and for taking the time to understand my dilemma

@Wingedharpy

Where would you live in Scotland? Is the plan to move in with your brother and his family? If so, has this been discussed with him (and his wife/partner, if relevant), or are you assuming he would support the move?

yes thats the plan until we get on our feet ( so for a few months until ive got a deposit for our own place ). hes not spoken about it with his wife yet bc hes waiting on my decision between american and scotland but tbh im almost 100% set on scotland now

OP I feel like there is something you are failing to tell us? Why are the children all over the place? What are you running from?

@Smilerjone

I am not clear that you could afford to rent in Scotland or the USA (if you are allowed to move there). How would you afford healthcare in the USA? Could the father of the younger children stop you taking them? How could you afford to fight that?

Not trying to be pessimistic, you sound like you know you need a change and to do better but perhaps start small, a permanent job for example, so you can build up experience that you could take with you and get a reference.

so my plan would be to stay with family ( if i go to america, my mum + stepdad and if i go to scotland then my brother ) until i've saved for a deposit on an apartment for the three of us. healthcare would be an issue yeh .. when i lived in the US before i was on my mums healthcare insurance and then there was a period where i just didnt have insurance at all. obviously in scotland health care wouldnt be a problem.

their dad wont care that i take them.. like he literally doesnt give a shit unless hes trying to use it as leverage to control / belittle me.

I’m not trying to attack you at all. I’m sorry you felt that I was, sometimes in writing it’s hard to convey tone I think. And I was trying to give you advice - my advice was to consider some professional help.

I think this ‘run away to America’ thing just sounds like the daydream that everything will be better somewhere else but unfortunately that’s rarely the case. Move to Scotland if you think it will suit but in my experience unless you do some serious work in a year or so you’ll be wondering where to move for a new fresh start. I would at least consider the freedom programme and some counselling for yourself and the kids.

And I think to be even considering a move to the states with this type of mindset is almost dangerous in its lack of forethought. I mean you didn’t seem to have any consideration for healthcare, the different schooling systems, whether or not you could legally take the children there. I think that’s what gave me the impression this was more of a mad dash away from problems than a considered and thoughtful move that you think is best for the children.

Scotland, no question. Much less upheaval for your DC. Nevada isn't going anywhere and will be there as a future option if you would prefer, when you only have yourself to think of.

@bigbeautwoman

OP I feel like there is something you are failing to tell us? Why are the children all over the place? What are you running from?

im trying to reply to everyone but i have to go out for a job in a bit so i just wanted to clear this up first.. im really bad at telling things coherently and leaving out information ect but basically

-my mum is american and she moved back there when i was 8, i stayed with my dad and stepmum, i left school without qualifications bc i got pregnant at 16 and didnt see a point .. stupid i know. im stupid. i had dd1 when i was 17, i lost custody of her when she was 3 cos i was homeless and addicted and my dad and stepmum became her legal guardians

-id barely spoke to my mum since she abandoned us but she reached out after i lost dd1 and offered to pay for me to move in with her on the promise that i went to rehab ( i did and got clean ) then i met ds1's dad, again a very bad relationship and when we broke up we were juggling custody.. in the end his aunt got custody of ds1 and shes basically raised him as her own son in california

-i moved back to ireland and met ds2's dad, he lived on a halting site and we were married with ds2 within a year. if youve never been on or known anyone whose lived on a halting site.. some are probs really nice but all the ones ive lived on have been fraught with domestic abuse, addicts, kids leave schools very young , it drove me back into a dark place and was a very unhealthy relationship. i met my younger two kids dad and left with him bc he promised me a better life, said he wouldnt hurt me, i tried to come back for ds2 but his dad wouldnt let me near him and i ended up letting him have full custody.

im not trying to excuse myself bc the point is ive been a shit mum and my eldest three are better off without me, ive made HORRIBLE choices and hurt them but ive also not had it easy.. abuse started at 11.. im 45 now and it's my last chance to be a ' normal ' mum. i just want to give my kids a safe HOUSE ( or flat ) to come home to , not a trailer, i don't want them around anyone using drugs, i want to get a job and have a career like normal women can.. i dont want another man, im not dating anyone ever again and i know i need therapy to help me stop going back to abusive men.

i just want a fresh start and it feels like this is my last chance for me and my dc.. i know this time im the parent theyre better off with.. as much of a fuck up as i as

@Kanaloa will reply properly to everyone later but it's ok dw about it, im sorry if i seemed too antagonistic, i take things too personally and lash out .. so im really sorry if i came across as rude cause that wasn't my intention either

also yea i think america was more of a pipe dream.. it has too many logistical issues ur right. i was just thinking that the two places i could 'get out ' to were there and scotland and id already tried to make a fresh start for my self in america in my twenties

I would say the best place is where you want to call home. What’s your plan re work when you do move and where gives you the best opportunities for work? What are you going to change to get out of the current situation? Your past sounds chaotic but you want to make a change and you really can do it. Scotland is probably a better option thinking of your dc further education options.

I haven’t read the whole threat but I get the feeling that speaking to woman’s aid would be a good thing for you? Are you able to get the contact details or can I get them for you?
I think I understand what it is you need to run from ❤️

Sounds as though life has been tough and you are now recovering and want the best for your youngest dc .
NI is not a shit hole, its not perfect either. But the problems regardless where you live are shit.
Have you a gp who you can talk to and help get you moved into social housing not on site, and help get you the support that you need and deserve.
There are a lot of groups about who can offer help.
Is your partner abusive? If so then contact womans aid who will help.
Are you in touch with anyone from your recovery program who could help.
There is a good chance if you separate and still live in NI you will get custody.
Are you in a rural or city area? I know public transport is a hit and miss depending on where you live.

You need to move out of your relationship, but not necessarily leave the country. Get help for your problems and hopefully things will work out. Do not tell anyone what you are doing in case they make things difficult.
You have done well to get off your addictions and its great you are trying to get a better life for you and your kids.
There is a reasonable health service and education system here and groups to help.
Good wishes

I think you would be wise to physically move away from the toxicity of heroin addiction and an unsupportive community.

That. Well done for beating your addiction. But as you know, you need to be somewhere safe and secures, and with food support, to remain clean.

Scotland sounds ideal. You'll have a better social services safety net, and your Britney is a good person, living a good life with a clean and honest family. Your kid will have a good role model, and he'll be in their lives consistently.

I see no benefit to the US. No safety net, a mother and step dad who you are only 'cordial' with, and who might well not have the energy to support you in the long term.

Good luck. Life has clearly been very hard, and chaotic for you. Coming back from making those bad choices is a real achievement. But you need to make the right choice now, and it seems obvious to me that it's Scotland.

Sorry. Good support, not food support!

@NeedAHoliday2021 im not sure tbh , another poster said theres a lot of shortage in care jobs in scotland rn ( if i went there ) and my brothers wife is a nurse and says they often have vacancies in local care homes and stuff .. i'd be just as happy doing office work like a secretary or something but im not sure if they'd think my literacy skills are too bad ??

@Hertsgirl10 thank you.. that would help a lot ❤️ i just don't want him to follow me to wherever we end up , if it was america he wouldnt cause itd be harder to get in and its such a big place but scotland is so small .

@Cryalot2 thank you so much for taking the time to write such a through reply. yes some parts of NI are so so beautiful , i grew up in strathfoyle and it was lovely but i guess as with anywhere theres parts not so nice. i don't have a gp im registered to bc ( this sounds so bad )we moved to a new site five years ago and i never had any health problems neither did the kids so we didnt bother to register. but i could defo register and try and talk to them.

im not in touch with anyone from my recovery program sadly as it was in the states , but im in a few facebook groups for recovered addicts which are very helpful . hes not physically abusive unless he drinks... hes never hurt the kids though and i would never let him lay a finger on them

im in a very rural area atm :/ public transport isnt so good and obviously we dont drive but i can get about on the bus .

if we separate and i didnt live in NI anymore would i still be most likely to get custody ? surely i would still get custody if i could show i could provide for them ect and that hes still actively using heroin

i defo need to end the relationship.. and i get what your saying about not needing to leave the country but i think if i can have a fresh start in scotland its maybe better to take it. idk. i wont be mentioning anything to my friends on the site or my family in case they try and stop me.

thank you so much for acknowledging that ive recovered and that im doing the best for my dc.. thank you so much truly i really appreciate it. im sorry this comment was so long 😅

@saraclara thank you so much . youve reinforced what i was thinking tbh , i've all but made my mind up for scotland now .. i spoke some more to my brother and im gonna call him tomorrow when dc's dad is out and try and sort something out. he's an amazing dad ( he has 3 kids ) and i know will be really good with them.. ds3 especially has never really had a positive male role model. obviously this doesnt mean im just going to fob the kids of on him ofc ! but if were staying with him for a while he'll obviously be around and be there.

yeah the lack of safety net ( both services and support from people ) in america is whats put me off. i didnt even think of that, my mum and stepdad are in their mid seventies now so i don't want it to be too much for them as they get older yk ?

ur last paragraph made me tear up❤️ thank you so much for this comment

OP, I haven’t got anything to add to the good advice you’ve had here. I just wanted to wish you well. It sounds as though you’ve had a hell of a time. I would suggest two things, one of which has already been mentioned: seek counselling and support from women’s groups; and post a fresh thread about your wider circumstances in a more sympathetic MN forum such as relationships or whatever they’re calling the feminism forum these days. AIBU is really not a space which is able to cope with the nuance and difficulties of your history. You need better help than this!

Have you got access to money and a bank account? Open another account online and transfer any spare cash left over each month. Deposit any extra cash made from odd jobs etc so you slowly build up an escape fund.

Call women's aid and say that you need help to escape an abusive relationship. They'll give you specific advice and might signpost you to organisations who can help.

Put all important documents such as birth certificates, financial documents etc in a safe place. Hide it in kids room etc if space is tight, somewhere your partner can't find it. Birth certs you'll need to claim child benefit etc if you don't already.

accommodation advice

@SimonedeBeauvoirscat

OP, I haven’t got anything to add to the good advice you’ve had here. I just wanted to wish you well. It sounds as though you’ve had a hell of a time. I would suggest two things, one of which has already been mentioned: seek counselling and support from women’s groups; and post a fresh thread about your wider circumstances in a more sympathetic MN forum such as relationships or whatever they’re calling the feminism forum these days. AIBU is really not a space which is able to cope with the nuance and difficulties of your history. You need better help than this!

thank you so much . im going to make a post in relationships about it now ❤️

@FancyNan

Have you got access to money and a bank account? Open another account online and transfer any spare cash left over each month. Deposit any extra cash made from odd jobs etc so you slowly build up an escape fund.

Call women's aid and say that you need help to escape an abusive relationship. They'll give you specific advice and might signpost you to organisations who can help.

Put all important documents such as birth certificates, financial documents etc in a safe place. Hide it in kids room etc if space is tight, somewhere your partner can't find it. Birth certs you'll need to claim child benefit etc if you don't already.

accommodation advice

thank you so much. this is all stuff i never would have thought of so i'll make sure to do it all . thank you so much x

hes left me. i cant breathe i cant do this.. i was so stupid to think i could survive without him especially moving to a new country.. i just want him back and our life together but he doesnt want me