what do i do

[agnesireland]

so i need to move asap for a fresh start for me and ds3 (13) and dd2 (10). theres a few reasons why and i dont want to drip feed but i'm trying to keep this short and to the point. we’re living in NI right now but i want to leave the country for good. we will be potentially homeless soon. i cant decide between nevada (my mum and stepdad live there) or scotland where my brother lives with his family. i’m basically looking for a complete fresh start bc I cant live this life anymore… i need to leave with my youngest two. i want ds2 (he’s 15) to come too but his dad wont let me .
please help what would u do in my situation? i want whats best for my kids but i also need out of this environment

For the move to be successful, you need to research and prepare for it so you don't fail. Make a timeline, enroll at your local college now for free skills training, get some counselling & start saving for your move. There are adult apprenticeships available so you can earn while you train for a job with a higher earning potential.

If you're moving to Scotland, move to a city where there are more jobs opportunities & better transport links. Maybe to the nearest city from your brother so he's nearby but not in your pocket. I find I get on better with my siblings if I don't live too closely lol!

Contact the citizens advice bureau in NI, maybe get in touch with them so they can advise you on moving esp with schools etc.

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/about-us/northern-ireland/

Do the freedom programme as it'll help you spot problematic behaviour early with potential partners.

www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

Just a thought, I'm aware of a couple of families who moved to Canada with teenage children and the kids had a very difficult time fitting in.

US would be even more difficult, I think, but you know your own kids.

also i do have family support in the US.. my mum and stepdad both live there in indian springs and are retired. sorry if i wasnt clear enough , my writing is quite hard to get a point across in bc of my dyslexia ! the reasons i was considering moving to america isnt just cos of my
citizenship its bc i have family support there. here i get no l

@50ShadesOfCatholic ( firstly love ur username lol )

thank you for acknowledging what i'm trying to say.. the issue is that i physically want to move away from somewhere thats holding me and my kids back and now i just feel like a terrible mother.. im not 'uprooting' their lives as some people are saying i'm trying to change their lives for the better !! so firstly thank you for getting what i'm trying to say :)

secondly yes thats what i want to do ( re making connections outside of the family ect ) , i know that wherever we end up ill be in unskilled jobs cos i have no qualifications and people think thats what i want my life to be like ? i want to be able to provide better for my children and make them proud .. i would love to go to college ..

i do get on with my mum and stepdad ( as i said i really struggle with wordings so idk if i made it seem like we dont), like we're not super close but we are cordial and i know they'd be willing to help out if we moved over there, but the more people help me see the reality the more i realise america isnt a good plan.. i like your idea of learning to drive so i could go there in future maybe . thank you for taking the time to give helpful advice xx

I think you need to try and change your life in NI. Good luck to you.

Hi OP. few things from me. Where about in the Highlands does your brother live? Obviously some parts are very rural so not being a driver may be a challenge. Do your kids want to move away? What’s their thoughts on this? In relation to work there are an abundance of care worker vacancies right across Scotland. if this is maybe something you would be interested in, initially might help you get on your feet until you figure out longer term career plans. For your own support I’d check out what the recovery support is available too as well done for being in recovery but a big move etc will be stressful so good to have a support network in place for you so you don’t relapse. Good luck x

[quote SinoohXaenaHide]@Kanaloa is also making some very important points;

I’ve been the child in this situation, with a mum who kept getting into bad relationships then dragging us kids here there and everywhere for a ‘fresh start.’ It was never ever a fresh start because we were the same people.

Part of your fresh start needs to be learning how to live free from relationships with terrible men. Resolve to just be single for at least the next 3 years and get some counselling to help understand your own issues and why you have been attracted to men who are violent, abusive and addicted. Don't start dating again until you have gained enough wisdom, insight and self-respect to recognise and call an immediate halt if the same patterns start re-emerging. Do not put your own desires for a relationship above the wellbeing of your children. They need stability and support and the move to Scotland will be tough for them. If it works out though, they will be way better off than they would be growing up at the halting site. But for their sake this has to be the last "fresh start" - anything that isn't improved by a move to Scotland will not subsequently be fixed by a further move to somewhere else.[/quote]
this was tough to hear but yes youre right .. i know i need counselling . i wouldnt say im attracted to abusive men or violent men though.. theres something about me that turns them abusive and violent

if we end up going to scotland it will defo be the last new start bc ur right i cant uproot my kids lifes when i havent worked on my problems and what not .. or itll just be the same situation in a new enviroment. my brother ( and his wife if she is okay with us coming) are good supportive people and i know they could help me get into a positive place. idk. i know i need to stay away from dating and i intend to bc ive been with the kids dad for 13 years and ive literally never been single in my life so i need to learn how to be alone and make good choices. thank you so much for your insight

[quote agnesireland]@50ShadesOfCatholic ( firstly love ur username lol )

thank you for acknowledging what i'm trying to say.. the issue is that i physically want to move away from somewhere thats holding me and my kids back and now i just feel like a terrible mother.. im not 'uprooting' their lives as some people are saying i'm trying to change their lives for the better !! so firstly thank you for getting what i'm trying to say :)

secondly yes thats what i want to do ( re making connections outside of the family ect ) , i know that wherever we end up ill be in unskilled jobs cos i have no qualifications and people think thats what i want my life to be like ? i want to be able to provide better for my children and make them proud .. i would love to go to college ..

i do get on with my mum and stepdad ( as i said i really struggle with wordings so idk if i made it seem like we dont), like we're not super close but we are cordial and i know they'd be willing to help out if we moved over there, but the more people help me see the reality the more i realise america isnt a good plan.. i like your idea of learning to drive so i could go there in future maybe . thank you for taking the time to give helpful advice xx[/quote]
Ah ok sorry I misunderstood about your relationship with your parents.

With regard to doing unskilled work, you should not place such limitations on your capabilities. Maybe at first you can work in jobs requiring no formal training but do invest in yourself with job training and some sort of personal development. It is not at all too late. I was just watching a documentary about a woman who'd never worked other than to sell drugs, first went to study at age 46, graduated top of her cohort in social work and now advises govt in social issues!! So all that hard stuff you've endured, you can turn that into valuable skill and knowledge.

A pp suggested doing the freedom programme. I've seen that recommended in here a lot and I agree that you'd be wise to get support with changing some behaviours or beliefs that have led you to unhealthy relationships. Lots of women never make the break so all power to you for wanting better for you and your children.

Op you need to seek out women’s aid or a similar organisation to help you if your Partner is an addict and violent.

I want to add onto what PPs have said.

You cannot just run, as you have said yourself you are a recovering addict and regardless of what you want to do what YOU also need is stability and support to continue your recovery. You’re not out of the woods with regards to your own addiction problems because you’re still living in a hostile environment.

When you finally become settled, comfortable and living ‘normally’ this is when you’re just as vulnerable as your mind will be ready to tackle any of the issues you’ve got bottled in your head and you used drugs to escape (assumption here from me) you’re going to need more than just your family but actual professional support when that comes because I’ve seen family member’s finally get on the straight and narrow, kids back, good job and home but relapse because normal was too much and the stress of their previous hostile environment was the distraction from the real issues and helped keep them clean.

You can do this and make these changes but you need a plan and professional involvement for you and your kids.

OP I would guess you are educated as your writing is fluent and articulate. Could you aim for more than a succession of casual jobs? Any opportunities for a training course which might open up more skilled employment ? Would anyone on your site teach you to drive, maybe in return for some sewing/ cleaning? Heading for Scotland with a driving license and a qualification would give you confidence. Good luck with whatever you decide.

sorry that you're getting such a hard time on here
the background of you being a recovering addict and your partner still using is pertinent to your situation - early posters (or anyone that didn't rtft) may not have picked up on that.

Have you tried this organisation for help and advice?
www.womensaidni.org/

best wishes for your continued recovery and getting this sorted

Hi

Just coming back to say that there is no way in a million years that I would move to Nevada without a driving license and health insurance. In the US, you need a car to get to work and shops and everything and are v limited without it. And there is no NHS - if you have a medical issue and show up to A&E, they will treat you but then charge you $10,000 for it.

Posters above have given great advice about getting support in the UK & I hope this work out for you.

@Kanaloa im sure you mean well but i specifically asked for advice in relation to what i should do for a better life for my children and i feel like your just attacking me cos i have a shitty past..

a child who is no contact with you
we're not nc, i said basically nc .. sorry i probably shouldve been clearer but anyway regardless shes 28 and has her own life and family now. we just have a strained relationship cos i wasnt around a lot when she was a kid and didnt have custody which ultimately was best cos i was just a child myself

issues with other kids dads
i dont really tho.. maybe ds2's dad yes but i have nothing to do with the dads of my two adult children anymore so i dont see how it matters

leaving a 15 year old behind for a fresh start
i cant take him with me.. like i legally cant bc his dad has full custody as ive said. besides it would be more cruel to uproot and take him to a new country based on the fact that he's settle where he is, he has a good support network of his dads family, his gf and apprenticeship is there ect

abusive relationships with drug addicts
so surely this is a reason to leave?

a past drug addiction yourself
addiction is an illness... you think i chose it? i did rehab twice , i did awful things to keep my addiction alive , im so ashamed of the person drugs made me.. i can tell youve never lived in a halting site so fyi i would say at least half the people here are active addicts and another quarter are recovered, its impossible to be away from drugs but im trying to get away for me and the kids sake

also im really sorry if that seemed snarky but i dont get why everyone is repeatedly telling me to stay in the same toxic environment ( seriously a halting site !! ) for my kids when the whole reason i want to move is so they can have have a fresh start away from all of that . people are saying theyll be away from family members.. maybe thats a good thing.. not everyone is lucky enough to have a clean supportive family

@FancyNan thank you sm. i didnt know adult apprenticeships were a thing so ill look into that. and yeh the closest city from my brother is like a 2 /3 hours away.. me and my siblings all have weird age gaps so weve not really all lived together since we were young kids so idk if it would help to be around him . but i think it might be nice for the kids to have a father figure nearby..

also thank you for the advice about CAB and thank you so much for the domestic abuse sources. and thank you for being so nice generally , these are all helpful things ill take into account x

@Offmyfence

I think you need to try and change your life in NI. Good luck to you.

living in a halting site is half our struggle , and i have next to no support from my family who live over here , i need to get away from my kids dad.. i can see to people not in my shoes how it would be easier to stay but im at my wits end seriously staying here

@Orla1970

Hi OP. few things from me. Where about in the Highlands does your brother live? Obviously some parts are very rural so not being a driver may be a challenge. Do your kids want to move away? What’s their thoughts on this? In relation to work there are an abundance of care worker vacancies right across Scotland. if this is maybe something you would be interested in, initially might help you get on your feet until you figure out longer term career plans. For your own support I’d check out what the recovery support is available too as well done for being in recovery but a big move etc will be stressful so good to have a support network in place for you so you don’t relapse. Good luck x

thank you so much for the helpful practical advice.. he lives on the west coast near a town ( kind of half in the suburbs half rural, but once you travel into the town it's urbanized). so its not too rural and the public transport is surprisingly good. in terms of the kids, my son ( 13) isnt so sure but i know its best for him long term, my daughter (10) is happy to move. i would love to do care work, do u mean like nursing homes ?

I am not clear that you could afford to rent in Scotland or the USA (if you are allowed to move there). How would you afford healthcare in the USA? Could the father of the younger children stop you taking them? How could you afford to fight that?

Not trying to be pessimistic, you sound like you know you need a change and to do better but perhaps start small, a permanent job for example, so you can build up experience that you could take with you and get a reference.

@EveningOverRooftops thank you for such a throughout and considerate answer. i feel like not many people on this thread dont fully understand addiction which is obviously not there fault and its better that people don't understand it cos it means theyve never been through it.. ive been sober for seven years so i dont think id be that tempted to relapse especially as id be in an enviroment (whether nevada or scotland) where no one is using around me. but ur completely right and i need some professional support , i will seek that out for definite . thank you so much x

Hi op those who listened and read your replies properly have said Scotland sounds best.

Those saying to stay Ioving on a halting site and with a violent addict, just have not been reading at all. Especially when you t alk about being surrounded by other addicts.

Can you move in NI? if not then Scotland sounds like your best bet. It sounds like your brother would be a help but either way you need to search out counselling and support.

Social services are unlikely to be any help especially as your kids are not facing violence. Others will say they will help but the reality of social services is they get involved in the worst cases (or the ones where no help was really needed and they were heavy handed.) There seems to be no middle ground for true support from social services like what you need.

An addiction and recovery charity could be helpful if you can find one that covers the area you live in or move to.

The USA is f ar worse for addiction and recovery services if you have no money.

Moving is very hard but it does sound like what you need. But you need to work on yourself and your continued recovery.

Good luck op.
I wish you all the best.

I think if be trying to find somewhere in NI to base yourself, at least until your elder dc are adults.

Scotland has the benefits system and whilst crappy in the UK, its a hundred million times better than the US.

Scotland actually giving more than England.

Op will you fall foul of local connection rules when getting housed?

Even moving locally within NI could be difficult. I don't know about Scottish rules but one way is to contact women's aid and similar.
As they can help those leaving violence navigate the rules.

The rules of local connection keep many women living in violence.

@50ShadesOfCatholic thank you so much.. wow thats an inspiring story and has given me some hope ( although i doubt id ever end up that successful haha ) , ive always thought id be good at social work or something like that bc ive been through it all and understand the system ( unfortunately)!

sorry i missed where a pp mentioned the freedom programme , is that to do with getting away from my kids dad / abusive relationships i presume?

@Pottedpalm wow thank you i really thought i sounded dumb af haha , i left school at 16 without any worthwhile exams, someone else mentioned adult apprenticeships which might be a good idea.. i like ur idea about someone on the site teaching me to drive. my brother in scotland is a driving instructor and said if ended up moving over there he would teach me so theres that option too i guess

@ThinWomansBrain yes i think a lot of people havent rtft and have missed a few details.. thank you for understanding.. ive been clean for seven years and i feel like everyone is still picturing me rigging up with my kids dad every night

Come to Scotland. It isn't far if you or you children living in NI need/want contact. It would be less of a culture shock for the kids too. It would be fairly cheap to get here and some areas are more affordable than others.
Some parts of highlands can be pretty remote. It sounds like you need to get close enough to your siblings here but you need a community that you can become part of...it takes a village and all that.
Also look for a place that would have good access to services in you start struggling with addiction again.
Good luck