“I’m sorry, I just think it’s selfish.”

[Oneanddonenotenough]

I know this isn’t a new subject for here but I’d like to garner general opinion to see if I’ve lost grip on reality and I’m being a precious twat to be a bit upset.

Anyway, I was called selfish by a distant member inlaws’ family today for not particularly wanting a second child.

She asked me the age-old “and when can we expect a sibling for…?”. I initially avoided answering because this question really fucks me off for all the obvious reasons. She pushed for an answer and then started addressing the wider room full of my H’s family saying that she believed it selfish to only have one child. I said I didn’t feel like I wanted a second child, especially as I had suffered with crippling antenatal depression and felt suicidal during my first pregnancy, I’m very happy with my family as it is etc. I wish I hadn’t answered by she had form for holding court and was talking to the whole room saying it would be selfish to my child as they’ll be lonely and selfish to my H for not ‘giving’ him another chance at fatherhood, selfish to not try for one of the opposite gender. Ugh.

She’s a bit batshit but as lots of his family began agreeing that one on their own would be lonely, I’m wondering if I am in fact selfish for only wanting one?

OP she is rude and arrogant thinking that her opinion is right and she should voice it. I have no words of what to say.
To this day I remember mil saying that sil needed three children and I didn't, some people are clueless. I was lost for words when she told me this.

Gawd. That's terrible! Her and the ones who agreed. Just. What?

Too late now. But yeah. In an ideal world-

DH can't get it up any more. If you want to discuss it I can get him?

Yes I am selfish. What of it?

Oh hahaha Jane you're so funny! Nearly had me going there!

But..

In real life.

Did you tell DH what did he say?

In all honesty I'd just not go to the things any more. If have to then DH stick at side and field any questions. Fuck off to watch the sport with the blokes and leave them to it. I mean. Jesus.

I had MH peri natally that went on for years sadly. I wouldn't have wanted more anyway (got 2). DH would BUT I mean I would have maybe considered it if we both weren't well aware that it was so bad the second time. That fuck only knows what would happen if did it again. I mean. Not being around any more level ill or just destroy MH for... Sheet second took 6 years to get more or less normal.

I hate her and the ones who agreed on your behalf OP.

It's awful that people think they have the right to say that kind of thing. I'm an only, I only wanted one and I really think it's the sensible way forward for the planet, but still.... I find it hard to be rude to people, so in your place I would probably just smile and change the subject if I could, or suddenly spot someone interesting across the room and excuse myself. Some people do have brass neck and I feel for you. SIL once asked me if Dd was still a virgin! I think I was so flabbergasted that I could only say "I've no idea - it's not my business!"

People only know what they know. And how things were is all they can imagine.

I know people with 0, 1, 2, .. 5 siblings. And they all had good childhoods just different.

I mean FGS. The onlies I know look back on being... No fighting for attention etc.

I am one of two and had great time with bro.

DH has close age sibling and one decade younger. All good.

It's so tedious this constant. As a woman whatever you do everyone has an opinion and usually we've done something wrong.

MrsTerryPratchett

I was asking why the poster who reported my post containing the word 'old' was fine with the other put downs as she obviously didn't report those. I have no problem with your 'thick as mince' - she absolutely is!

Ugh. This is so damn rude and inappropriate. Sorry op.

Next time tell them you didn't know they had such an interest in your sex life and they might want to get help with that.

From a fellow one and done mum I feel your pain. Anyone who asks this question is welcome to the PTSD I live through on a daily basis despite nearly a year of professional help. F*ckwits the lot of them.

Sorry I went to watch the original Halloween under a blanket, seeing as it was Halloween eve and all that. Great film.

Thank you to everyone on the thread. You’ve all been really supportive. I was a bit worried about posting as I didn’t want a pasting, but equally I did want to hear it straight if I was being a bit sensitive to what she said, and insensitive to the needs of my baby.

I’m sorry if anyone was upset by anything anyone said, it honestly didn’t occur to me to include her age initially.

I’ve spoken to my husband too and he told me to ignore her as she’s ‘full of shit and a bit weird’, which is easily said but hard to do when she draws attention to my reproductive organs in a room full of people. The problem is is some of his family would be genuinely upset if I made a scene (even though I’d be well within my rights) and some of them I care about. Anyway, if the situation arises again, which it will I’m sure (circumstances are forcing everyone together a bit at the moment) then I’m well-prepped with some comebacks.

Also I’ve just checked in my baby and he’s sleeping peacefully and with a bed full of toys. He’ll not go lonely.

So rude of her. Why do people think they can just get in your business like that?

I’d say A) It’s none of your damn business and B) How incredibly rude of you. Do you have a personal interest? How weird.

@Oneanddonenotenough

You are allowed to stand up for yourself. If they get upset, tough. They don't mind upsetting you, do they? Maybe they shouldn't ask such personal questions.

You poor thing! That must have been awful. And in a roomful of people too!
She was absolutely rude and thoughtless.
I think I would have got up and said " anyone for another drink?" and left the room for a bit.
Or maybe dropped something on the floor to make a lovely mess and change the subject!

Next time say well you wanna be my surrogate...

You’re not the selfish one in that interrogation. Ignore it.

I don't think there's anything wrong with having an only child. I know quite a few of them and they all have loads of friends / playdates etc.

I was told by some woman who I barely knew that my mum and dad were cruel as I was an only child and that I must have had a miserable childhood. Even if I hadn't been speechless I wasn't going to tell her that my Mum was told she could have one child with a mother or have a second and not be there for either of them.

Afterwards I thought of plenty of things I could/should have said, none of them polite and all referring to her as a miserable old witch.

As a woman whatever you do everyone has an opinion and usually we've done something wrong

Especially when it comes to kids but actually everything.

What a horrible, nasty cowbag she is. You were very tactful to not lose your temper and managed it very well considering what the gathering was about. I would be tempted to contact her directly and tell how rude she was and to never speak to you like that again otherwise you won't be so patient. You do not need to justify your reasons for sticking to one child and it will do your child zero harm. Life is not that simple.

This makes me so
We have chosen to only have one for lots of reasons, including my severe postnatal depression. Sick of being asked when we're having another and having the benefits of siblings spouted at me. Fuck off!

Not all siblings get along and it’s absolutely not selfish to not give your child a sibling. There are so many other factors. If having a second would mean they got less attention, less opportunities for clubs etc. due to the expense of two, caused you to be a less effective mother through pregnancy or postnatal related illness physical or mental, then it would be a negative impact to have a second child.

Also it could be argued that in a world where we are destroying the planet, there is a housing shortage and global warming etc. it is in fact selfish to have more children. 🤷‍♀️

Her opinion is that it is selfish, but that is HER opinion. In that case she is welcome to have all the babies she wants to because that is HER decision. However how many children you have is YOUR decision and she has no say in it at all.

Of course you are not being selfish. The world is hugely overpopulated and the inconvenient truth is that people should only have children they desperately want, and not for some reason in the mind of a distant relative.

The best answer I have heard was, "We are only having one child so we can give her the best we can afford." Good for them.

@tiggerwhocamefortea

She is of course very very rude and goady to express her opinion openly that way however I personally do think that being deliberately "one and done" as a lifestyle choice ie no medical or financial reasons why you can't etc is a bit selfish and I do think if you have a child you should be prepared to have a sibling but I appreciate that's a pretty unpopular and minority view on MN and why I wouldn't say it to someone's face unless they specifically asked my opinion on the subject.....

Why is it selfish? As others have already said, lots of siblings don't have the magical relationship that some seem to think all siblings have, and lots of children have disabled siblings, who even though they may love them very much, don't make life easier for them, and won't be able to 'share the burden' of caring for elderly parents etc.

Oh no, I clicked YABU - thinking you are being unreasonable to give a batshit women any headspace.

Not that YABU to want autonomy over your own body and choices.

Foot in mouth saying the wrong thing making conversation I could almost forgive - especially for people who've spent a lot of time on their own over the last 20 months and their social communication skills and boundaries are a bit eskew, but getting wider family to gang up on you is more contrived and way out of order.

@Peanutmnm

Someone like her just look her dead in the eye and tell her 'you are being very offensive, ignorant and rude. This is definitely none of your business'.

👍

Yes, that sort of conversation can so easily turn into a witch-hunt, can't it! You could have shut them up at the time by expressing passive or aggressive displeasure. But, as you didn't, just leave it. They were just being broody on your behalf. Let it go.

I suffer with fertility problems and haven’t got any children yet/if. I would never ask someone when can we expect baby or another baby… how fucking rude! I agree with abortion, I agree with people having 1 or ten or none. It’s a personal life choice. I have asked close family members do you think you might have anymore? But that’s only to close family members and I would never call someone selfish. I would make it common knowledge that was completely out of order and inappropriate.