“I’m sorry, I just think it’s selfish.”

[Oneanddonenotenough]

I know this isn’t a new subject for here but I’d like to garner general opinion to see if I’ve lost grip on reality and I’m being a precious twat to be a bit upset.

Anyway, I was called selfish by a distant member inlaws’ family today for not particularly wanting a second child.

She asked me the age-old “and when can we expect a sibling for…?”. I initially avoided answering because this question really fucks me off for all the obvious reasons. She pushed for an answer and then started addressing the wider room full of my H’s family saying that she believed it selfish to only have one child. I said I didn’t feel like I wanted a second child, especially as I had suffered with crippling antenatal depression and felt suicidal during my first pregnancy, I’m very happy with my family as it is etc. I wish I hadn’t answered by she had form for holding court and was talking to the whole room saying it would be selfish to my child as they’ll be lonely and selfish to my H for not ‘giving’ him another chance at fatherhood, selfish to not try for one of the opposite gender. Ugh.

She’s a bit batshit but as lots of his family began agreeing that one on their own would be lonely, I’m wondering if I am in fact selfish for only wanting one?

Sorry, that was in reply to @jamandmarmalade

I had this for YEARS. My DD is now 10 and a wonderful and fun only child. She loves her life and is quite clear that she wouldn’t fancy a sibling. She has close cousins and good friends and she and I get on very well. Best choice I ever made for me and her was to stop at one kid!

Tell the crazy lady to shut the fuck up.

I've been the bystander when relatives have decided to ask questions like this. I could never be party to that and not point out how rude it is.

So whilst she sounds like a horror, the others who sat and said nothing are pretty rubbish too.

@Noshowlomo

I’ve had this, it’s intrusive and annoying. I said well, I miscarried my first, my daughter was stillborn and then we had my son so I’m done now thanks. Also feck off …

I’m sorry @Noshowlomo, for your losses and for people pushing you to explain yourself. You shouldn’t have to share what I imagine were some of the toughest moments in your life just to get people to fuck off out of your business.

I have 3 siblings. All estranged from the family over the years which left me as the youngest pretty much an only child. I do feel lonely but think it would be easier if I was really an only child - at least then there would be a reason for not having sibling support.

Ugh its absolutely none of her business. I hope.it doesn't happen again.

I think a lot of people can be guilty of asking in a well meaning way just to make conversation but she sounds like she's totally on another level of crazy batshit.

Does she have DC of her own? If not, and she dares to ask again, just flip it back to her and ask her why se didn't have any. If yes, ask her how they all get on now and how difficult was it for her children having to share everything growing up and not get her full attention all the time. Maybe she'll realise how ridiculous she's being then.

Look directly at her, raise one eyebrow, tilt head and in a very mild but confident voice say,
"how incredibly rude", before she has time to respond, smile, look away and ask for more tea. You need to channel your very best version of Patricia Charmichael, (LOD) she's terrifying.

@StrychnineInTheSandwiches

'we're mainly doing anal these days'

🤣🤣🤣

@Oneanddonenotenough I'm so glad you posted this as the responses have really helped me. I had HG in pregnancy and was wondering desperate to have an abortion at one point to stop it. Only made it through with an amazing husband and intense mental health support yet having HG is never enough for some people. Comments include 'you did it once you can do it again', 'it might not be as bad next time' and 'its only 9 months' Literally makes me want to scream.

@Oneanddonenotenough

I couldn’t really think of a way to sum up the family. They like to behave in a way deemed as proper, and they have very clear ideas about what they think is proper (bit of an archaic word to describe them but I hope you know what I mean), yet they all project their views of ‘properness’ onto those found wanting. I have quite the wrong political ideals for them, for example, so have always been an outlier, which I’m frankly quite happy with.

That is a garbled mess, but I hope you know what I mean. I’m tired!

I wonder how she would react if I launched a Burke, not well I imagine. Stunned and awkward silences would ensue, she’d probably cry and leave the room and wail about how she only meant well, whereby the entire family would gather to soothe. 😂 or something.

@Oneanddonenotenough

Yes unfortunately I am familiar with the type. Very good at setting standards for others that they rarely live up to themselves. That particular in-law being a case in point. i appreciate you have good friendship with others of the in-laws.

I think you have hit it bang on the head about the likely reaction from your Noseybonk in-law (scuse the pun). Do not let them bully or gaslight you.

Maybe wiser to adopt the favourable measured tone, full eye contact and reply ''Do you know I honestly never thought i'd ever be in the position of having to answer such an innapropriate question about my our sex life'. (engage head tilt and patronising frown) 'But it has given me an insight into your own upbringing''. Then remain silent and smile with all the charm of a psychopath. (you would be in good company after all).

@FOJN

Look directly at her, raise one eyebrow, tilt head and in a very mild but confident voice say, "how incredibly rude", before she has time to respond, smile, look away and ask for more tea. You need to channel your very best version of Patricia Charmichael, (LOD) she's terrifying.

Yes this ^^ @FOJN you said it more succintly than me.

@Oneanddonenotenough >sigh< You have my sympathy. It sounds as though this woman was going to criticise someone over something, and today it was you in the spotlight.

I can only recommend you find a suitable form of saying something along the lines of, "This really isn't something I'm willing to discuss". Or, you could go full @jamandmarmalade, which is the most glorious thing I've read in ages!

Arrrggghhh, what is it about becoming a mother that means other people think your boundaries are removed? From those who touch your belly to endless personal questions about your family planning, and then there is the sharing of their opinion about what’s best for you. I notice the questions and opinions and criticisms are rarely aimed at the fathers. This woman has no idea why you will stick to one child and there could be many reasons; personal choice, difficult pregnancies, your own health etc etc; no one should be putting you in such an awkward position.

The same thing happened to a good friend of mine when I was there. She was kind of surrounded by older female family members and asked about a sibling for her 2 year old. What they didn’t know was she’d lost a baby a few weeks earlier and I could see her beginning to crumble under pretty aggressive “friendly” questioning. I made myself unpopular by saying “oh for Christ’s sake it’s none of your business how many children xxx has, don’t be so bloody intrusive”. Went down badly and her aunt has never spoken to me again (shame ) but even better she hasn’t asked any more questions. It’s a shame no one else shut this questioning down OP.

As for what is best for children; I work in adult mental health and so I get to hear about people’s struggles and from my observation over many years it comes as no surprise that from unhappy children frequently come unhappy adults and that there is a much greater correlation between piss-poor parenting and unhappy people then there is between being one child in a family or one child among siblings and levels of unhappiness.

@tiggerwhocamefortea don't be so ridiculous! It is not selfish in the slightest!

Total BS. My best friend is an only child and she is one of the most well-adjusted, intelligent, nice people I know and she has said she enjoyed her childhood and has never missed having siblings.

My brother was nothing but a bully to me as a child and worse. I hardly saw anything of him from me being a young teenager. He came back into my life briefly a few years ago and thought he could bully me again, caused a lot of stress at an already difficult time. We are now no contact. There is no guarantee that siblings will get on🤷

Wow it amazes me that people other than you and your H have anything to say on this matter. It is no ones business but yours. Tell her that if she can't say anything nice then perhaps she should keep quiet next time she starts

[quote Pastnowfuture]@Oneanddonenotenough I'm so glad you posted this as the responses have really helped me. I had HG in pregnancy and was wondering desperate to have an abortion at one point to stop it. Only made it through with an amazing husband and intense mental health support yet having HG is never enough for some people. Comments include 'you did it once you can do it again', 'it might not be as bad next time' and 'its only 9 months' Literally makes me want to scream.[/quote]
I’m heartened to see it’s helped you too. The things people say to women about childbearing is insane. If it’s not people not wanting to hire us for jobs in case we have children, it’s unsolicited comments and how we should ‘crack on’. I honestly just feel like growling “get your head the fuck out of my uterus”, but then I’d probably be called hysterical. 🙄

@LagneyandCasey

So it's OK to call someone 'cunt' 'bitch' or 'thick as mince'

I called the opinion thick as mince. Which it absolutely is. And thick and mince aren't characteristics like being older or female. They are equal opportunity insults.

Did I say cunt or bitch to anyone? Maybe I blacked out...

@SlugRose

You should have told her it's not up to her and it wasn't up for discussion. Then left if she carried on.

^ This

Her behaviour was seriously out of order, whatever the factors around how many kids someone has.

Children and families are happy and healthy is a very wide range of models. Do what is right for you and just like parents of multiple kids, do the best.

It’s that simple.

Your DH needs to keep his family members in their lane.

@Parkle. Reporting a perfectly reasonable and interesting discussion because you don’t like what’s being said is tantamount to censorship. These are discussion forums and things DO get a bit heated and the language a bit fruity sometimes, but trying to dress it up as concern for MN ‘getting into trouble’ for Misogyny is daft. If it offends you, go and do something else instead.

@StrychnineInTheSandwiches

'we're mainly doing anal these days'

Perfect

No you are not selfish. She is opinionated and wrong.

If you really want to fuck her off, tell her you only want one child because it's selfish to have more than one for the sake of the environment. This is factually accurate and indisputable and also gives YOU the moral high ground.