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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To delay TTC by six months when I’m already in my 40s?

227 replies

Wetdayinoctober · 30/10/2021 08:08

I’m 41, and we have a 11 month old. Hoping to try for another soon.

The complicating factors here are that I need to work until at least may to qualify for enhanced maternity package. So originally were thinking of TTC again in May / June.

However, logistically a baby born September / October would work so much better. It would mean I could take advantage of the summer holidays at work and DS would be nearly 3 which means he’d qualify for some free hours at nursery. However, it would mean I was pregnant at 42, having baby at 43.

On the one hand there doesn’t seem a massively dramatic difference in baby born March 23 and baby born September 23. And we had no trouble conceiving DS.

However I am worried about my age.

Wwyd?

OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 30/10/2021 08:09

I’d be careful - my neighbour waited until the perfect time and was already in her 40s, then couldn’t have another one. You have to work until May but even if you got pregnant now you still would be working come May no?

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 30/10/2021 08:12

I wouldn’t wait. I conceived on honeymoon with our first when I was 36 but it took me about 8 months to conceive our second a year and a half later.

MRex · 30/10/2021 08:12

It's your life and you need to work out what will work best for you logistically; none of us know your financial nor health situation. You know there's a risk you might not get pregnant again now, or later, there isn't a huge difference in timing. I'm not sure how other opinions will help really, it's something just you and your DH need to decide.

MRex · 30/10/2021 08:14

Also, for 3yr funded childcare you would avoid having a baby 1st April - 30th Aug, but that wouldn't affect a child conceived in May and born in February, they would get their hours from the start of summer term.

larrythelizard · 30/10/2021 08:15

It's hard isn't it? I'm younger than you (but no spring chicken) and have a 2 year old. Currently put TTC #2 on hold as I have a new job and waiting for enhanced pay as I think it'll be better for existing DC. Was an easier decision first time round but this time have decided to put needs of existing DC before hypothetical no 2 (we tried for 10 months before I got the new job so aware that it might not happen but am getting to be OK with one having 1 if that's how it works out)

Original poster
Wetdayinoctober · 30/10/2021 08:15

I explained that really badly Grin what I mean is that if I was to conceive before May I wouldn’t qualify for works enhanced maternity package. It isn’t a fortune but a lot more than SMP.

And you’re absolutely right about the perfect time but then already waited for that for DS in a way!

OP posts:
TheYearOfSmallThings · 30/10/2021 08:17

I wouldn't wait. As a pp said, even if you fell pregnant today, you would still be working in May.

Over 40 it's best to just crack on if you are certain you want another baby. The fact that you had a baby 11 months ago will actually increase your chances.

TheKeatingFive · 30/10/2021 08:17

Depends on how badly you want a second child presumably. I had a lot more trouble conceiving at 36 compared to 32 so if it were me, I wouldn't be reading too much into previous experience and I'd be cracking on.

You seem to be assuming you'll fall straight away (or close) and that's a big assumption also.

Original poster
Wetdayinoctober · 30/10/2021 08:18

@MRex - I know, I meant for DC1. He will be two and three quarters if I waited to TTC, so I would be able to have some funded hours in nursery while I’m on maternity leave.

@larrythelizard it is hard, as there are so many variables. I have a September birthday so was 39 when DS was conceived, 40 when he was born. I’ll definitely be 42 when have a second, if I do. Waiting a while would mean I am 43, but only just.

OP posts:
BabyofMine · 30/10/2021 08:19

@MRex

Also, for 3yr funded childcare you would avoid having a baby 1st April - 30th Aug, but that wouldn't affect a child conceived in May and born in February, they would get their hours from the start of summer term.
Can you explain the bit about avoiding those dates wrt funded childcare? Currently thinking of TTC a second child and childcare costs are one factor I’m thinking about.
Original poster
Wetdayinoctober · 30/10/2021 08:19

@TheKeatingFive I don’t know that I’m assuming it but I can’t of course plan for every eventuality.

And I did get pregnant immediately with DS, so while I can’t assume that will happen again, I also can’t assume it won’t.

OP posts:
TheYearOfSmallThings · 30/10/2021 08:20

Ah, I just read your further post.

Well personally I still wouldn't wait if I really wanted a second child, but if you are happy either way then you could.

TheKeatingFive · 30/10/2021 08:22

I don’t know that I’m assuming it

Well there's a very reasonable chance you'd start ttc now and still wouldn't be pregnant by May, so on at least some level I think you are making that assumption.

I understand what you're weighing up, but it might take you years to conceive.

TheKeatingFive · 30/10/2021 08:23

Well personally I still wouldn't wait if I really wanted a second child, but if you are happy either way then you could.

I agree with this

lottiegarbanzo · 30/10/2021 08:23

You seem to imagine you have a level of control over this that you do not have. If you're happy to accept the likelihood of not being able to have a second child, control away. If not, get on with it now.

KittyBurrito · 30/10/2021 08:23

I started peri at 42. I wouldn't wait.

Original poster
Wetdayinoctober · 30/10/2021 08:25

If it takes years to conceive, realistically, at my age, we won’t be conceiving.

I know that for some unfortunate people second infertility happens, it takes years if at all and it is horrendous.

However, we can’t plan our lives around worst case scenarios. I have successfully conceived one child at first attempt so it is reasonable to assume I am fertile. What I’m wondering about is whether or not to delay, for the financial and logistical benefits, for six months or so, or not.

Like I say I’m not being flippant but some of it is a bit like ‘well don’t make any plans for retirement as you might die.’ You might but you might not.

OP posts:
ArthurApples · 30/10/2021 08:26

I had my first at 40, conceived really quickly and then work and covid and all sorts delayed trying for 2nd until this year, I'm 43 and due next May, it took 9 months to get pregnant again, not as easy as the first time for me, hard work emotionally. I wish I could've done all this years ago, not waited. May as well start trying in case it takes longer than you're hoping. I'm down as moderate risk this time, not high, so far, the only risk factor is my age, low bmi etc. First scan next week, v aware this time that so much might have gone wrong already.
I'll have a section, same as last time, I was high risk/complications required that, no home birth that I would prefer. Lots to consider. Are you ovulating, having regular cycles? I was all over the place, convinced it was perimenopause.
Free hours start the term after they are 3, (or 2 if you qualify) so depends when birthday is, DS was born in November, started his free hours in the January, for example.

lottiegarbanzo · 30/10/2021 08:26

One part of that is increased miscarriage rate. You might get pregnant, even repeatedly but end up with no baby. Failed pregnancies take up months of your time, all while you're getting older.

Gloschick · 30/10/2021 08:27

I would suggest popping over to the ttc age over 40 forum for a bit of a reality check. TTC at 39 is a very different kettle of fish than TTC at 42. I 'scheduled in' my kids in my late 20s, but there is v little chance that someone in their 40s is going to be able to aim for an autumn born.
If I were you I would be trying now. As long as you aren't going to be destitute on smp then it will be worth it. If you want a second, you need to maximise your chances.

TheKeatingFive · 30/10/2021 08:27

I have successfully conceived one child at first attempt so it is reasonable to assume I am fertile.

From my own personal experience, this is a huge assumption to make.

Original poster
Wetdayinoctober · 30/10/2021 08:28

Incidentally, it is rather horrible to imply that because I’m not conceiving right this minute, I don’t care about having a second. I do. I absolutely do. But my priority has to be the child I already have. It isn’t in his best interests for me to conceive less than a year after having him.

I am sure that is not what people are suggesting but some comments are rather coming across like that.

OP posts:
marykitty · 30/10/2021 08:29

39 yo VS 43 yo can make a huge difference not only in the TTC journey but also health concerns for both baby and mom.
It was great you got pregnant immediately at 39, keep in mind it could not happen with a second expecially at 43, 4 years later.

BlueSuffragette · 30/10/2021 08:29

You just don't know OP how long it will take to conceive so I'd just crack on.

Original poster
Wetdayinoctober · 30/10/2021 08:30

@TheKeatingFive it is hard, isn’t it? We can’t assume anything about life.

But we do still have to have some sort of plan going forwards and deal with unexpected things as they happen.

I already know that I may not conceive a second. But I also know that I might.

I know I am fertile.

I know I am having regular periods.

I know I ovulate.

So - yes, there’s a chance I may not conceive but at the risk of sounding like the hunger games, the odds are in my favour.

And if I don’t conceive a second then it doesn’t mean starting now is the right thing anyway.

OP posts: