Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To delay TTC by six months when I’m already in my 40s?

227 replies

Wetdayinoctober · 30/10/2021 08:08

I’m 41, and we have a 11 month old. Hoping to try for another soon.

The complicating factors here are that I need to work until at least may to qualify for enhanced maternity package. So originally were thinking of TTC again in May / June.

However, logistically a baby born September / October would work so much better. It would mean I could take advantage of the summer holidays at work and DS would be nearly 3 which means he’d qualify for some free hours at nursery. However, it would mean I was pregnant at 42, having baby at 43.

On the one hand there doesn’t seem a massively dramatic difference in baby born March 23 and baby born September 23. And we had no trouble conceiving DS.

However I am worried about my age.

Wwyd?

OP posts:
NanooCov · 30/10/2021 09:15

I conceived DS2 at 40 much more easily than I conceived DS1 at 37 so I don't think it's always straightforward that older = more difficult, especially when you're only talking 6 months difference.
Having said that I am now 44 and think I'm edging into perimenopause (have been having some hot flushes) so time is still a consideration.

NoSquirrels · 30/10/2021 09:17

What does your DH think? Is he more motivated by money than by a second child or vice versa?

Does he agree you should wait for enhanced pay or is he willing to close the gap in finances for you?

How are your finances set up if you feel this will be ‘leaning on him’?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 30/10/2021 09:18

Can only assume the OP wanted a flurry of “oh yeh I had triplets at 47” answers
You’ve made up your mind OP- really why ask?!

NanooCov · 30/10/2021 09:18

Oh and 2 kids in paid childcare is a nightmare. Even with enhanced maternity pay from my employer, it's so expensive where we live that it was a struggle.

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 30/10/2021 09:18

I would say don't put it off....had dd at 35 then couldn't get pregnant again.
If you leave it 6 months and struggle to get pregnant, you will wish you hadn't waited just for the sake of mat leave or whatever.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 30/10/2021 09:18

If you could afford it, even though its tight, I'd ttc sooner rather than later.

Simply which would you regret more, not having a second, or not having the cash?

I know so many people affected by secondary infertility its really common. Even for people who conceived straight away the first time.

Otherwise you could do a fertility check if you want to delay as that might give you a bit more peace of mind

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 30/10/2021 09:19

@AlphabetAerobics

Crack on. What’s going to hurt more? Not having another child or being skint for a few years?

Should have read this before commenting because this is exactly what l was trying to say!

Lilifer · 30/10/2021 09:20

@Wetdayinoctober

Well, I think I have my answer now, which is along the lines of ‘how can you even think about waiting for extra money, ancient woman?’ Grin

Of course if in a year I was asking for advice on finances and repossessions because we couldn’t afford our mortgage the responses would be totally sympathetic, I’m sure!

Thanks for the thoughts - will leave it there as tbh repeatedly being told I’ve no chance of a second baby is a bit upsetting. Will be interesting to update in twelve months time: I think I’ll make a mental note to myself to return to this thread then.

You sound incredibly petulant. You asked for opinions and you got them and you're not happy because some of them didn't tell you what you wanted to hear.
Geriatric1234 · 30/10/2021 09:20

Please read this thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/4335214-trying-to-conceive-over-40-part-2?msgid=110346625

The difference in fertility by 6 months at this age is significant. I wouldn’t delay.

lottiegarbanzo · 30/10/2021 09:21

As an additional comment, I think some of the responses you have encountered are fuelled by (conscious and subconscious) ageism I have noted on here (and elsewhere) against older mothers.

Nah, some of us are just sad old hags, who were in OP's situation, thought we had more time and control than we did and, as a result, do not have a second child. I'd have been delighted to have a child in my 40s. I'm also aware of the stats that give the bigger picture and am willing to be helpful to others.

OP if you need to post a separate thread about your financial set up, do that.

MrsWooster · 30/10/2021 09:21

As a very much older mum, who conceived very easily with both, I’d say go for it sooner. The financial hit will affect a year or so which isn’t long in the scheme of things. Two under two will be hard but, again, only in the short term. Moving on, you’ll have two very close in age who are likely to play together which as you get older will be MUCH easier as you flag a bit, and you are reducing the years when you’re the focus of all entertainment.
At 42 I was as energetic as I’d ever been. Two kids and 12 years on, the same cannot be said!

MrsWooster · 30/10/2021 09:22

Ah, just gone back and rtft. Good luck…

Monsterpage · 30/10/2021 09:23

I would not wait. I conceived my first child quickly at age 38 and when he was 6 months old we decided to start trying again as we wanted 2. I suffered from unexplained secondary infertility and after 4 years of tests and trying and supported fertility treatment we decided to stop trying for our second baby.
So don’t be too smug about how well it worked the first time. Having a baby can affect your body in ways that go on to affect future fertility - thyroid issues, hormone imbalances etc.

Soontobe60 · 30/10/2021 09:24

@Wetdayinoctober

Well, I think I have my answer now, which is along the lines of ‘how can you even think about waiting for extra money, ancient woman?’ Grin

Of course if in a year I was asking for advice on finances and repossessions because we couldn’t afford our mortgage the responses would be totally sympathetic, I’m sure!

Thanks for the thoughts - will leave it there as tbh repeatedly being told I’ve no chance of a second baby is a bit upsetting. Will be interesting to update in twelve months time: I think I’ll make a mental note to myself to return to this thread then.

I’ve not read any post that says you won’t conceive, you’re just being dramatic. I’m sure you’re well aware of the implications of having (or trying to have) a baby once you hit your 40s. All the risks associated with pregnancy are increased. Your decision surely is, how much more risk do I take by waiting longer to try to conceive. Only you can make that decision. Good luck with whatever decision you make - but don’t get arsey at replies to your question that you don’t like!
Blondeshavemorefun · 30/10/2021 09:27

I know I am fertile.

I know I am having regular periods.

I know I ovulate.

All this was true for me but took 10yrs ttc and 5 private ivf as she had children previously so Lost my nhs go

I wanted to be a mum at 32. I was almost 44 when I gave birth

Yes you may get preg quickly. You may not

So you need to weigh up how much the extra smp your company pays is worth you possibly struggling to get preg

Gloschick · 30/10/2021 09:30

On the presumption that you have a fairly low paid job, a lot of your earnings are going to be cancelled out by childcare costs (yes, I know they should be shared but hear me out). So if this time next year you were on mat leave with SNP with other DC at home with you, I don't imagine your income would be that much different to if you were at work paying for childcare. Yes, it would be nice to have the free hours during your mat leave but that is just a luxury, not a necessity.
I agree with PP though about the remarks you made about your DP. If he isn't fully supportive then that is a whole different problem.

Monsterpage · 30/10/2021 09:30

@Wetdayinoctober

I am absolutely most definitely not trying to be flippant.

I apologise unreservedly if that’s how it has come across.

But - what can I actually say in response to some of these? My original question (delaying by six months) has been a little bit waylaid insofar as people are telling me not to delay at all.

To be clear - a baby born before February 2023 would mean only SMP.

I’m reluctant to do this because:

  1. I think a tiny age gap between DS and a subsequent child would be very challenging for me.
  1. It would put a huge financial strain on us.
  1. It could potentially lead to resentment from DH as I’d be leaning on him financially.
  1. It would mean a shorter period of maternity leave.
  1. It would mean two children in childcare and the resulting costs.
  1. Work would not be as amenable for me going back part time.

As I keep saying, my priority is the child and family I have. I am desperate for a second but I won’t let this desperation drive me to unwise decisions.

I am very sorry for all of you who have struggled. I may struggle too. I am old and I may never have a second. This is the chance you take when you are old.

But it doesn’t mean I can’t make any provisional plans either and be laden with doom all of the time.

You asked WWYD and people told you and explained why and you come back with a long list why everyone is wrong. Your flippant comment about coming back on 12 months to this thread is really arrogant too. I wish you well on whatever decision you take and your fertility journey. Maybe in 12 months time you’ll come back to this thread having grown up a little and realise that people sharing their experiences is because they have been through the heartbreaking journey of not being able to conceive or conceive a second child and the pain it brings.
lottiegarbanzo · 30/10/2021 09:30

I get the impression that what you actually wanted to ask was 'can we afford a second baby?' at all. So age and the likelihood of actually getting one, is a bit of a secondary consideration.

DameAlyson · 30/10/2021 09:34

there doesn’t seem a massively dramatic difference in baby born March 23 and baby born September 23.

They would be in different school years, depending on where you live. The September baby would be doing everything a year later - starting school, going up to secondary, going to university. That could have a long term impact, up to and including your retirement plans.

Hankunamatata · 30/10/2021 09:36

Can you afford to live on smp? If not then I agree you need to wait. Yes your fertility drops but if you cant afford it then that's a pretty hard line.

RolloTomassi · 30/10/2021 09:41

Personally I wouldn't wait, because none of your reasons would outweigh the much bigger potential downside of delaying.

If you could live with it not happening at all, knowing you'd chosen to put it off, then I can see why you'd wait.

userg5647 · 30/10/2021 09:44

As I keep saying, my priority is the child and family I have. I am desperate for a second but I won’t let this desperation drive me to unwise decisions.

In which case OP, delay, if you feel so strongly for the gap.

You do not have the luxury of choices a younger woman has, you know this which is why you're asking. There are pros and cons to having babies at all ages, you need to understand the con for you is you may have much less flexibility in choice due to biology. It sounds dramatic but the question you need to ask yourself is, are those cons in your list worse than having no second child at all? I sincerely hope that isn't the choice you're actually facing, but that's how you need to treat it.

WTF475878237NC · 30/10/2021 09:45

Hi OP

How many thousands less will you have?

Have you looked into miscarriage rates and health outcome differences for you and baby for the ages you're talking about?

Those are the only two figures I'd be worrying about.

Calmdown14 · 30/10/2021 09:51

In an ideal world you'd get the enhanced maternity but could you manage without it?
Similarly you'll be off so won't need a nursery place if the finances are tight.
If it doesn't work out either way, which would you regret more, not trying now and wondering what if should you not conceive, or missing out financially?
Personally, I'd find the financial side annoying but the other option would likely haunt me more.
Six months may make no difference. You could conceive either way or may not . You'll never know for certain if that time delay made a difference but suspect you'll look back with regret

Loveintherain · 30/10/2021 09:52

Conceived first child very fast, second child has taken years, with help. You don’t have time realistically. If you really want a second just get on with it !