To delay TTC by six months when I’m already in my 40s?

[Wetdayinoctober]

I’m 41, and we have a 11 month old. Hoping to try for another soon.

The complicating factors here are that I need to work until at least may to qualify for enhanced maternity package. So originally were thinking of TTC again in May / June.

However, logistically a baby born September / October would work so much better. It would mean I could take advantage of the summer holidays at work and DS would be nearly 3 which means he’d qualify for some free hours at nursery. However, it would mean I was pregnant at 42, having baby at 43.

On the one hand there doesn’t seem a massively dramatic difference in baby born March 23 and baby born September 23. And we had no trouble conceiving DS.

However I am worried about my age.

Wwyd?

You really can’t be flippant about fertility when you’re older. After I had DS at 38 I started trying 6 months later for number 2. It took us 2 years and 2 miscarriages.

OP if you’re willing to accept you may never have a second baby then wait. If it’s something you desperately want then do not wait.

You do come across as flippant op. I’ve lived through a close ones suicide, losing a sibling, domestic abuse, financial problems and my children being ill. Nothing comes close to the pain I had of wanting a second child and not being able to have one, in particular holding a dead baby. People are trying to share their experience and urge you (if financially responsible) to crack on with it. By the way my first child was conceived on birth control and I was ten years younger than you when I finally had my second.

You can recover from poor finances, and to an extent you can control this in the future. Your fertility is decreasing all the time and will never recover, and have no control over it really. Worst case, how would you feel about being poorer for a few months against never having another baby, which is th worst outcome? Someone else mentioned also, yes you may get pregnant quickly but not every positive results in a baby and I believe the risk increases with age.

You were very lucky to conceive first time and I really hope that happens to you again. However when I started trying again at 39 I had three miscarriages in quick succession, then nothing at all for over a year, and am now pregnant after using donor eggs. I really wouldn't underestimate how difficult it can be to be in this position and unable to conceive (or hold a pregnancy) it takes over your life and it's very very hard. Having three miscarriages in the space of around 6 months had a terrible impact on my mental health and marriage. In your situation, I wouldn't delay.

OP I hope you do conceive quickly a second time and understand practically why you want to delay having a second child.

You're being informed that time is not on your side (which you know). You need to seriously consider in 6 months time you may not be able to have another child. You sound like you're 99% sure it won't be a problem because of your first child being conceived quickly but are mildly considering your age. Just be careful that's all, you need to accept in your mind that it might not happen in 6 months time as you'd like, and might not happen at all. It sounds like you're going to be utterly devistated if that happens, and also sounds like you're almost certain everything will be fine. That's the worry. You're not being completely realistic. Age is unfortunately a big factor in fertility whether you've had a child recently or not.

I hope everything pans out as you hope x

Yeah I wouldn’t.

I had my first at 37. Conceived first time. Was convinced a was a fertile queen. Then miscarriage, miscarriage, miscarriage. Finally conceived again early forties that led to a child then another miscarriage and then a chemical and never caught again.

I wouldn’t (I say that as someone who had a baby in early 40’s after 3 years ttc, even though I fell pregnant easily when I was younger).

I switched jobs just before I became pregnant and didn’t qualify for the enhanced maternity pay, so I had to remortgage my house, to make up the difference. My friend thought I was crazy not to delay ttc so I could get more money, but I’m so glad I didn’t.

Yes I forgot to say , I had first very fast . I again fell within the first month of trying for second at 38. However, it was a mmc at 12 weeks. Then had one chemical and 2 more mmc in two years. I was shocked , I obviously was fertile to keep conceiving but kept losing them all. Each mc also eats into your fertile time as well as you are having 4 months of pregnancy/miscarrying then start again. I wish I’d started trying 6 months after my first to be honest

Fertility does decline rapidly in your 40s. I wouldn’t wait personally.

I’m my forties, no I wouldn’t wait.

I conceived our DD in the first month trying. We’ve been trying to conceive baby no.2 for 18 months now. Took 9 months to fall pregnant, then I had a miscarriage at 10 weeks and we’ve been trying again for 7/8 months since then, with no luck. Fertility tests show that everything is fine.

I’m not meaning to scaremonger, but wanted to show that you secondary infertility is very common. We waited until the ‘right time’ to try for baby no.2 because we thought I’d fall pregnant very quickly again. If I knew it would take so long, I would have tried sooner.

Wishing you all the best on your journey.

Children are really expensive. If you can afford a second then the difference in maternity package is really neither here nor there compared to the 10s of thousands it's going to cost you.

@Wetdayinoctober

I am absolutely most definitely not trying to be flippant.

I apologise unreservedly if that’s how it has come across.

But - what can I actually say in response to some of these? My original question (delaying by six months) has been a little bit waylaid insofar as people are telling me not to delay at all.

To be clear - a baby born before February 2023 would mean only SMP.

I’m reluctant to do this because:

1. I think a tiny age gap between DS and a subsequent child would be very challenging for me.

1. It would put a huge financial strain on us.

1. It could potentially lead to resentment from DH as I’d be leaning on him financially.

1. It would mean a shorter period of maternity leave.

1. It would mean two children in childcare and the resulting costs.

1. Work would not be as amenable for me going back part time.

As I keep saying, my priority is the child and family I have. I am desperate for a second but I won’t let this desperation drive me to unwise decisions.

I am very sorry for all of you who have struggled. I may struggle too. I am old and I may never have a second. This is the chance you take when you are old.

But it doesn’t mean I can’t make any provisional plans either and be laden with doom all of the time.

It depends what your version of doom is.

One version here is having a very small age gap, two childcare fees and a resentful husband (that's a red flag)

Another version is waiting and not conceiving and you only have one child.

I know what I'd try to avoid the most and therefore that would drive my decision.

@Wetdayinoctober

If it takes years to conceive, realistically, at my age, we won’t be conceiving.

I know that for some unfortunate people second infertility happens, it takes years if at all and it is horrendous.

However, we can’t plan our lives around worst case scenarios. I have successfully conceived one child at first attempt so it is reasonable to assume I am fertile. What I’m wondering about is whether or not to delay, for the financial and logistical benefits, for six months or so, or not.

Like I say I’m not being flippant but some of it is a bit like ‘well don’t make any plans for retirement as you might die.’ You might but you might not.

I think you are being naive though. Just because you conceived immediately the first time doesn’t mean you will again- Especially when the difference is 39 and 41/42. Waiting an extra 6 months at 41 is a significant risk, there is a very real chance it could mean the difference between a second baby or not. It depends how important having that second baby is to you. I had no trouble conceiving my first at 34 (almost 35) - happened immediately. Just two years later at almost 37 it took me 7 months. It was v stressful.

At your age you you just need to crack with it to be honest.

Also remember a child born in Sept 23 will start school on the same day as children born right through until Aug 24. So in terms of when they start school there are an extra 11mths in which to conceive and they would still start school when your sept 23 baby would.

I think put it off til you are entitled to the mat pay but risky to do so for other reasons.

You never know how long it will take or what will happen even if you are not in your 40s.

Even if you start now it may not happen.

Wait until May.

The problem is none of us know.

So since we don’t know we can only really make plans based on the information we have.

That information is firstly, that women in their 40s often struggle to conceive - but I am already in my 40s.

Secondly, I know I am fertile. But this could change.

It isn’t my intention to sound petulant but it is upsetting being told I don’t care about a second when I absolutely do but I do have to balance this against what is best for the people who are here.

I mean for instance my mum died at 45. I know I might die any time and I have a will and life insurance and a pension but just the same I don’t live my life assuming I’ll die prematurely. Maybe I’m wrong, maybe I should assume I won’t conceive. Just don’t know, can’t know.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers that post was pretty horrible.

I think just crack on tbh. I have 2 close friends who fell easily for first at 40 and didn't conceive again when trying at 42. I think fertility rates fall at 42/43.

You need to listen to what you want to do, if you need the extra money in your maternity pay wait until may, it's not that far off.

In the wider span of time and looking back, most of the things you’re worried about will cease to be relevant…..a few extra quid for goi g on maternity later, and extra term if childcare etc etc….vs the possibility your family remains at 1 child, which is a huge impact.

Listen to the comments about fertility, be glad you conceived easily first time and don’t take it for granted 2nd time round and older……do it sooner rather than later.

At the moment, you sound like you think you have the luxury of choosing the sweet spot to maximise the payout, the. Childcare the optimal age gap between kids. Honestly, you really don’t.

The big Q is would you rather have that 2nd child at a more expensive time,, or with childcare costing more or the gap being less optimal…..or not have that child? The answer seems clear and so the choice is actually clear too. Don’t push your luck and then be stuck with ‘what ifs’.

Who knows how long it will take to get pregnant, or if a miscarriage might set you back 6 months…..but why take the risk when time is so clearly finite on this one and slipping g away?

OP you can't "know" you're fertile either. Have you heard of secondary infertility? Just because you've had one baby in your 40s doesn't mean it will be easy.

I started TTC first baby at 33/34 and had first baby at 34 but baby sadly died before birth and was stillborn. TTC again took a long time and second baby was born when I was 37. I would like another but I realise it might not happen as second baby took a while to conceive even in my mid-30s and I am now in my late 30s.

And it is not just about age. You can have issues at any time but conceiving one easily (or at all) doesn't mean you will be fine with the next.

Good luck.

And I agree with OP that you will manage the finances etc but you may regret not having a second child.

I am not ready to TTC again for physical and emotional reasons but I realise this could mean it does not happen again for us. I planned to have two children but death of DC1 was never part of my plan.

I feel very lucky to have one healthy DC.