To delay TTC by six months when I’m already in my 40s?

[Wetdayinoctober]

I’m 41, and we have a 11 month old. Hoping to try for another soon.

The complicating factors here are that I need to work until at least may to qualify for enhanced maternity package. So originally were thinking of TTC again in May / June.

However, logistically a baby born September / October would work so much better. It would mean I could take advantage of the summer holidays at work and DS would be nearly 3 which means he’d qualify for some free hours at nursery. However, it would mean I was pregnant at 42, having baby at 43.

On the one hand there doesn’t seem a massively dramatic difference in baby born March 23 and baby born September 23. And we had no trouble conceiving DS.

However I am worried about my age.

Wwyd?

If you are on any sort of contraception I would recommend you come off it now regardless so it is (hopefully!) out of your system before you start TTC in 6 months time.

No one is trying to upset you OP no one knows anyone’s fertility without testing it out and only you know the impact of not waiting would have on your finances etc. People are just saying their experiences, women think because 40 is the new 30 and so and so had a baby at 45 they have all the time in this modern world, you may not that’s all people are pointing out

@DellaPorter I had exactly the same experience as you. Had DC1 at 37. Gave up after 3 MC and being told by doctor it was all unexplained. Had DC2 week before I was 43. I'd crack on OP.

I agree with @ArthurApples that you sound flippant. That might be an expression of anxiety, attempt at humour or imply self-delusion. You seem to think you're the exception to all that bad luck that affects others.

The bottom line is that more women who try to get pregnant after 40 fail to give birth to a baby, than succeed. I hope you are one of the lucky ones, if that is what you want.

Unless getting pregnant now will leave you in dire straits I think waiting 6 months at 41 is a long time.

I am absolutely most definitely not trying to be flippant.

I apologise unreservedly if that’s how it has come across.

But - what can I actually say in response to some of these? My original question (delaying by six months) has been a little bit waylaid insofar as people are telling me not to delay at all.

To be clear - a baby born before February 2023 would mean only SMP.

I’m reluctant to do this because:

1. I think a tiny age gap between DS and a subsequent child would be very challenging for me.

1. It would put a huge financial strain on us.

1. It could potentially lead to resentment from DH as I’d be leaning on him financially.

1. It would mean a shorter period of maternity leave.

1. It would mean two children in childcare and the resulting costs.

1. Work would not be as amenable for me going back part time.

As I keep saying, my priority is the child and family I have. I am desperate for a second but I won’t let this desperation drive me to unwise decisions.

I am very sorry for all of you who have struggled. I may struggle too. I am old and I may never have a second. This is the chance you take when you are old.

But it doesn’t mean I can’t make any provisional plans either and be laden with doom all of the time.

It's so hard to make this decision. I know you're thinking financially about what makes sense which is very responsible. I feel this is the once instance when you make this decision with your heart as well as head. Fertility comes with no guarantees unfortunately, I'm another cautionary tale. I conceived easily first time, ovulate regularly, great health yet two painful years of unexplained secondary fertility followed. We got there in the end and my goodness was she worth. Wishing you all the best with your decision xxx

Why ask if your not interested in what people have to say? I thought miscarriages only happened to others too but I had ten. 6 months is a very long time at your age, your no spring chicken but if you want to wait.. wait but don't be angry if it doesn't go according to plan.

Surely it depends on your feelings on having a second baby - if you’re absolutely desperate for another, I wouldn’t wait (financial implications aside) as if you wait and can’t conceive again you might be disappointed that you didn’t do everything in your power to make it happen.

If you could live happily with either outcome, feel free to wait til the timing suits better - accepting that it might not happen.

I think the point most people are making is that it doesn’t matter how easily you conceive your first/second/third there’s a point where we lose our fertility and no one knows when that will be…

Best of luck!

All those financial/relationship strain factors remain, for all parents, no matter how big your age gap between kids. 6 months won't affect that if you really think you can't afford it, which is what you seem most concerned about. Why do you think a second will be so hugely expensive?

@lottiegarbanzo

You sounds as though you haven't looked a graph of female fertility by age. You're over 40. Your fertility is dropping off a cliff.

I'm not scaremongering, or out of date. Yes, many people do conceive in their early 40s but more women try and fail.

THIS ^^

Listen to what people are telling you.

What most concerns me is your comment about DH.

Leaning on him??? Seriously??

Does he want a 2nd DC? Is he not prepared to pay for it?

If there's financial abuse this is a far bigger issue than TTC?

Also a few months of SMP is a drop in the ocean compared to what you mentioned about part time work- that's what will hit you financially!

It sounds like you've made up your mind that you want to wait for the maternity pay. I was pregnant at 42 and gave birth at 43, pregnancy and birth were both fine, no issues but while I conceived my first straight away it took a year and one mc to get pregnant with my second. At 40+ time may not be on your side, you might regret your decision to wait in the future. What do you want more, another baby or the extra money?

I had my third child at 44, closer to 45. DD2 was nearly 7 when DS was born. And DD1 was 10. In those years between DD2 and DS, I had 6 confirmed miscarriages and quite likely 2 further chemical pregnancies. It was not the getting pregnant, but the having a baby that was difficult for me. That is, sadly, quite common amongst women who get pregnant fairly easily but are a bit older.

Your posts, OP, are a bit confusing as at first the suggestion was that delaying TTC by 6 months would be beneficial financially and much more convenient practically. Then later there is a suggestion that you might not be able to afford your mortgage if you get pregnant again soon.

There is the world of difference between delaying TTC for financial advantage and doing it to avoid real financial hardship. It is a bad idea, in my view, for anyone, man or woman, aged 20 or 40, actively to seek to bring a child into the world that they know in advance they will struggle to support.

It seems from your later responses that you think you are at risk of jeopardising the welfare of your DS if you TTC now. In which case, absolutely do not do it. And delay TTC in the knowledge that if you do not have a second child, you did all you could to promote the welfare of your first.

As an additional comment, I think some of the responses you have encountered are fuelled by (conscious and subconscious) ageism I have noted on here (and elsewhere) against older mothers.

I conceived DD1 whilst on the pill. DD2 took over a year to conceive and I was 24 when we started TTC. You never know when you’re going to struggle to TTC.

I can see why you want to wait though. We waited until we had our own house and were married before trying for DD2, assuming it would happen immediately. I’d like a third but now would not be a great time. Knowing how long it took to conceive DD2 though makes me not want to wait.

I struggled to conceive my first at 31 and eventually conceived with clomid. My second was conceived naturally at 34 after 2 months TTC and my third again naturally after 1 month TTC. However I would have loved to have had one last child and have been TTC for over 4 years. I'm currently 42. I personally wouldn't wait as fertility is so unpredictable. Best of luck.

Do you know from your mother or any older sisters when they hit menopause or were any of them "older" mums as well?

I was relatively relaxed as my mum had my younger sister with over 40.

I had my first son with 36 (TTC 6 months) and now ~4 years later (TTC 1 try lucky) we're expecting his sibling. I definitely feel the 4 years between them, mentally, physically. We also had a miscarriage earlier this year (also 1 try lucky) and it really messed with my head that I maybe only produce foul eggs from now on.

No one can take the decision really off you. I am not sure if I would wait, your partner doesn't get younger either which can impact the sperm quality.
However, if your mindset is more like we try in 6 months and when it happens it's wonderful, but if it doesn't, we feel complete with a single child, then wait.

Good luck with whatever you do.

@TheKeatingFive

I have successfully conceived one child at first attempt so it is reasonable to assume I am fertile.

From my own personal experience, this is a huge assumption to make.

I conceived my son first time.

Needed ivf to become pregnant again.

I wouldnt take that risk at that age. I would treat it as now or never, if you don't fall pregnant wont you always wonder if you would have done if you tried earlier?

People are coming to the thread in response to your title. It asks if you should delay TTC at 41. The only possible answer to that is 'if you want a baby, no, do not delay'.

Nobody here can tell you it will all be ok, or guarantee you a baby. That is not in our gift.

The intricacies of your personal and financial set-up are far too detailed and nuanced for any of us to engage with fully. There are so many unknowns. For example, could you or your partner change jobs and find yourself earning more money at some point?

But that's not what your title is about. If you want to ask 'given the intricacies of our finances, would it be sensible to have a second baby within a year?' then that's what you need to ask. You wouldn't get very helpful answers though, because of the detail and unknowns. What people can say is that, if you really want a second child, you have no time to lose. That much we know.

Does planning a baby ever work? If you start now it may take 6 months to conceive.

@LastToBePicked

It’s like saying “I rolled a six first time so I’ll probably roll a six again”

This but on a 100-sided die

Honestly, just get on with it. You’re over thinking something that’s actually not within your control. If you get pregnant straight away your still winning.

@Wetdayinoctober

Incidentally, it is rather horrible to imply that because I’m not conceiving right this minute, I don’t care about having a second. I do. I absolutely do. But my priority has to be the child I already have. It isn’t in his best interests for me to conceive less than a year after having him.

I am sure that is not what people are suggesting but some comments are rather coming across like that.

I don't necessarily agree that it's not in the interests of child one for you to be having another so soon. I had ds2 when ds1 was exactly 12 months old. Best thing I ever did (exhausting though!) and the one year age gap has been a delight. Huge big teens now but a lovely close relationship throughout their childhood.

Good luck with whatever you choose. Personally I would crack on!

@mummyh2016

If you are on any sort of contraception I would recommend you come off it now regardless so it is (hopefully!) out of your system before you start TTC in 6 months time.

This is good advice too