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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To delay TTC by six months when I’m already in my 40s?

227 replies

Wetdayinoctober · 30/10/2021 08:08

I’m 41, and we have a 11 month old. Hoping to try for another soon.

The complicating factors here are that I need to work until at least may to qualify for enhanced maternity package. So originally were thinking of TTC again in May / June.

However, logistically a baby born September / October would work so much better. It would mean I could take advantage of the summer holidays at work and DS would be nearly 3 which means he’d qualify for some free hours at nursery. However, it would mean I was pregnant at 42, having baby at 43.

On the one hand there doesn’t seem a massively dramatic difference in baby born March 23 and baby born September 23. And we had no trouble conceiving DS.

However I am worried about my age.

Wwyd?

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 30/10/2021 08:31

You sounds as though you haven't looked a graph of female fertility by age. You're over 40. Your fertility is dropping off a cliff.

I'm not scaremongering, or out of date. Yes, many people do conceive in their early 40s but more women try and fail.

garlicandsapphires · 30/10/2021 08:31

Wow you’re so lucky to have conceived so quickly! I’m jealous.
In your shoes I wouldn’t wait to try again, despite conceiving quickly first time.

AlphabetAerobics · 30/10/2021 08:32

Crack on. What’s going to hurt more? Not having another child or being skint for a few years?

3luckystars · 30/10/2021 08:32

Don’t wait. Babies can come early and late or not at all. Don’t wait. Good luck.

BrunoJenkins · 30/10/2021 08:32

How much money would you "lose" in EMP and childcare by conceiving a baby in May vs 6 months later? Do you have that much in savings? If so then go for it. If you can't afford it then wait.

TrickOrTreat21x · 30/10/2021 08:33

I wouldnt wait. Time is not on your side.

Original poster
Wetdayinoctober · 30/10/2021 08:33

Well, I think I have my answer now, which is along the lines of ‘how can you even think about waiting for extra money, ancient woman?’ Grin

Of course if in a year I was asking for advice on finances and repossessions because we couldn’t afford our mortgage the responses would be totally sympathetic, I’m sure!

Thanks for the thoughts - will leave it there as tbh repeatedly being told I’ve no chance of a second baby is a bit upsetting. Will be interesting to update in twelve months time: I think I’ll make a mental note to myself to return to this thread then.

OP posts:
DellaPorter · 30/10/2021 08:33

I had a baby at 37, conceived when not really trying. Started ttc again a year later. Had multiple miscarriages from 39-42

Original poster
Wetdayinoctober · 30/10/2021 08:35

@AlphabetAerobics

Crack on. What’s going to hurt more? Not having another child or being skint for a few years?
My priority is the child I have.

I want a second. If I had my way I’d have a third too. But I can’t ignore my own health, our finances, or indeed my sanity!

OP posts:
Original poster
Wetdayinoctober · 30/10/2021 08:36

@DellaPorter

I had a baby at 37, conceived when not really trying. Started ttc again a year later. Had multiple miscarriages from 39-42
I’m sorry that happened to you and I’ve no doubt when I check this thread in a year there will be ten or more pages of similar stories. Perhaps I will be one of them. It still is best to wait until next spring.
OP posts:
BuffyFanForever · 30/10/2021 08:36

6 months of fertility in your 40s can be an absolutely massive swing. Waiting is a really sensible idea but unless you wouldn’t be upset if a second one didn’t come along I would start ASAP. Good luck .

Lightswitch123 · 30/10/2021 08:36

Every month counts.after age of 35. I wouldn't wait

invisiblecats · 30/10/2021 08:37

I conceived the first time we had unprotected sex, for DC1.

For DC2 we were actively trying, it took about 9 months to get pregnant.

You can't assume because it was easy the first time, it will be the second.

You're talking about taking a gamble. Imagine you lose the gamble and waiting means no second baby. Would you be OK about that or devastated? The answer to that should give you a good idea of what to do.

lottiegarbanzo · 30/10/2021 08:37

Do what's right for you. Only you can balance all the relevant interests. The point many of us are making is that if having a second child is your priority, or even one priority that is very important to you, you have no time to waste.

Think about looking back in five years' time. What would you regret more? What level of financial or other inconvenience could you have withstood and got over, by then?

ArthurApples · 30/10/2021 08:38

I think you are being a bit flippant, perhaps treating a subject you're a bit anxious about with humour, but its not coming across well OP, it's dismissive, not funny, agony for some. You've asked for advice, people are sharing knowledge and experience, some unfortunate people, please be careful. I hope it all works out for you the way you want. You can't really control any of it!

LastToBePicked · 30/10/2021 08:38

I think saying you got pregnant first time last time, so you’re likely to get pregnant quickly again is a massive assumption. Even forgetting age etc, there’s a lot of luck involved.

It took me 14 months at 35 trying pretty intendively. At 39 I got pregnant first try. I’m sure I wasn’t miraculously more fertile second time around, I just got lucky.

TheKeatingFive · 30/10/2021 08:38

I know I am fertile.

I know I am having regular periods.

I know I ovulate.

All of that was true of me too, but it took me 18 months to conceive DS2 at 36, having fallen immediately with DS1.

Given the trajectory of women's fertility in their 40s, it really comes down to what you'd feel if it didnt happen for you.

LastToBePicked · 30/10/2021 08:39

It’s like saying “I rolled a six first time so I’ll probably roll a six again”

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 30/10/2021 08:39

I would rather have a sub optimally paid maternity leave and excessive child care costs than not have a second baby. If that would lead to the house being repossessed, I might think I couldn’t afford a second baby at any time.

Slayduggee · 30/10/2021 08:40

I hate to say this but if you need to work until May (I’m assuming May 2022) to qualify for the enhanced maternity package I would ttc now. I had my first DC at 37 after 6 months ttc and my second DC I had a 40 having conceived in the first try! However, at with least two of my friends nothing has happened. I ttc at 39 thinking it would take at least 6 months to conceive.

I’ve got 2 year and 4 months between my two and they are very close. If I hadn’t been moving house I would have ttc 4 months earlier!

EishetChayil · 30/10/2021 08:41

I'm 40 (and a half) and had my daughter 14 months ago. We're trying now for a second baby. Timing isn't ideal but we just don't want to risk waiting. Every month is another egg gone!

mummyh2016 · 30/10/2021 08:41

People aren't saying it to be nasty, they're trying to bring you down to earth as IMO how long it took to conceive baby number 1 can have no bearing on conceiving baby number 2. I'm 10 years younger than you and it took me longer to conceive baby number 2 than my 1st. There is nothing wrong with you waiting 6 months if you feel that is the right thing to do but if you're 12 months after that point and haven't been able to conceive will you have regretted waiting. If not then great, if there is a chance you will then it is something to think about.
And no one on this thread has said you're too old to conceive or have a baby.
I hope you do come back in a years time and say you are pregnant, from reading through the comments on here I don't think anyone would say otherwise, it's not a case of you proving people wrong Confused

Ducksurprise · 30/10/2021 08:41

You've asked for thoughts, people with experience have said what they think, but you are getting annoyed because the answer isn't what you wanted. So why ask?

seven201 · 30/10/2021 08:43

Sorry but i agree with some others which is not what you want to hear. Didn't take me long to conceive dc1 but I've been trying for 4 years for dc2. Secondary infertility isn't that uncommon. At your age (I'm a similar age) your egg quality is decreasing quickly. Personally, I wouldn't wait.

ArthurApples · 30/10/2021 08:44

OP I had two miscarriages this year while TTC, always thought they only happened to other people too.