Just relax, lower your standards....

VillKrill · 30/10/2021 02:28

Are you me, OP? YANBU obvs

OnyxOryx · 30/10/2021 02:34

Fuck that shit. I will never ever live with a messy person again. If my DP ever turns into one he can move out!

buckeejit · 30/10/2021 02:38

I haven't the energy to do the amount of cleaning & tidying the other mothers do. I'm less slovenly than I used to be aim for improvements in the new year

MintJulia · 30/10/2021 02:38

Yanbu
I'm a single mum so I'm to blame for any lax standards in my house. I've compromised and clean one room per day so nothing goes longer than a week. Plus the kitchen &sitting room are tidied every day.
But some people's standards are unrealistic IMO. Maintaining a show home while working ft & coping with dcs is no way to live.
You need to find a level you are both ok with or kick him out and find someone who thinks like you do..

Original poster

PippyLongmocking · 30/10/2021 02:39

@VillKrill

Are you me, OP? YANBU obvs

I'm tidy. So could well be.

Why should people with standards higher than the other person have to lower them?

You'd not say to anyone else to be crapper at their job, do less with the kids, wash less etc.

It kills marriages.
I find my husband so irritating.
I watched a YouTube video where a therapist said something like 'are you really going to divorce over the dishes not being done?' I thought, yes I might actually.
Apparently that's the wrong answer.

OP posts:

ASeriesOfTubes · 30/10/2021 02:42

@OnyxOryx

Fuck that shit. I will never ever live with a messy person again. If my DP ever turns into one he can move out!

I wish it were that simple.

Original poster

PippyLongmocking · 30/10/2021 02:45

I agree on the show home comment. I don't expect that.
But picking up after yourself, cleaning a kitchen hob, vacuum once in while, wipe piss off the toilet.
General cleaning.

Not leaving a shower to go black with mould, filthy floors, a kitchen that's just left to ruin.

Plump a pillow if you need to but I'm talking things like not making a bed, sleeping on the bare mattress etc.
Apparently these are high standards.

OP posts:

musicalfrog · 30/10/2021 02:48

I'd love to increase my standards but with two young dc, work and keeping on top of the basics, it's really hard fwiw living in a messy house makes me sad too. But give me a chance, some time and some support instead of bitching all the time and I'm more likely to get stuff done.

Anordinarymum · 30/10/2021 02:50

@PippyLongmocking

...live in a shit hole.

Why do untidy people get to languish in their own filth and squalor, while tidy people get the choices of;

Clean and tidy for them.
Nag, whine, beg, plead, create whiteboards, starcharts, threaten divorce.
'Lower your standards'. In other words live in a crap hole.

Why does no bugger say 'increase your standards' or 'compromise you piggy, pay for a cleaner'?

Aibu to think the messiest laziest member of the household has a better deal.
They get to do jack shit while proclaiming 'I just don't see mess' 'it doesn't bother me'.

My standards are now so low that it's unrecognisable what they are.

This was the first step. Now what do you want to do ?

SunShinesBrightly · 30/10/2021 02:54

Aibu to think the messiest laziest member of the household has a better deal.
They get to do jack shit while proclaiming 'I just don't see mess' 'it doesn't bother me'

I have someone who doesn’t ‘notice’ anything lying right next to me now (middle of the night and I can’t sleep).

Dirty clothes, dirty house, untidy house, broken things, overgrown garden - he sees none of it and is happy as long as he has books, more books and something to eat now and then.

There might be some truth in ‘I don’t see it’ but can he not smell the soon to be overflowing bin, filthy toilet, fridge, microwave?

I think he does see it. He just doesn’t care and is happy as long as he doesn’t have to do anything that is considered a chore.

After 20+ years I do it all for ME and the DC. In other words I will cook, clean, change bedding, organise, tidy etc. but he gets absolutely no say in what I cook, how I organise, how I decorate the house, what I buy, how much I spend on outside help.

We pool our money and I spend mine as well as his keeping things up to my standards.

It’s not the ‘partnership’ I dreamed of andI have become as selfish as him in a different way.

My advice? Go it alone or make things work on your terms.

Robin233 · 30/10/2021 02:54

It would be a deal breaker for me.
Luckily dh has the same standards.
Even after a 60 hour week he will Hoover the entire house - I don't let him unless I'm really busy.
But over the years I have had to train him.
I love living in a nice clean , comfortable environment.
A once through clean on Saturday and keep on top of the laundry and you're there - I have a fairly simple routine. Then the rest of my free time is for FUN.

Sparklfairy · 30/10/2021 03:06

@PippyLongmocking

I agree on the show home comment. I don't expect that. But picking up after yourself, cleaning a kitchen hob, vacuum once in while, wipe piss off the toilet. General cleaning.

Not leaving a shower to go black with mould, filthy floors, a kitchen that's just left to ruin.

Plump a pillow if you need to but I'm talking things like not making a bed, sleeping on the bare mattress etc.
Apparently these are high standards.

I can be a slob (live alone!) but thats pretty grim, and utter laziness. A bare mattress ffs.

Original poster

PippyLongmocking · 30/10/2021 03:09

I just think it's horrible for kids living in filth.
I'm not talking about someone who's trying their best, heaven knows my house gets untidy with kids, it's more the expectation I should lower my standards and appatebtly do less (which doesn't really mean do less, it in fact means do more, just do my share and your share) under the guise of 'it doesn't bother meeeee'
Weird that, because I'm sure it would suddenly bother them if they had no clothes, towels, nappies in a pile in the bedroom, bin overflowing.
That would be unpleasant.

OP posts:

PurpleOkapi · 30/10/2021 03:13

I know you're tired of hearing it, but if you want to continue living with this person, you need to learn to ignore things that don't affect you. If you don't use the same bathroom, piss on the toilet and mould in the shower don't affect you. If you do use the same bathroom, then I don't see why cleaning mould out of your own shower is such a big deal, even if its existence is only 50% your fault.

Don't threaten divorce unless you really mean it. If you truly intend to divorce him over piss on the toilet, fine, by all means say so. But if you don't, and you're just hoping the threat will make him clean the toilet, this won't help anything. It just poisons the well and makes him less willing to put himself out for someone he thinks is going to divorce him anyway.

Try to remember that the only person made happy by your cleaning is you. He's not intentionally forcing you to do all the work - he genuinely doesn't care if you do it or not.

Original poster

PippyLongmocking · 30/10/2021 03:14

Yes I washed bedding and it was put in the bedroom for them to make and it sat there for a month getting made into a ball of scrumpled cloth.
So duvet and matress both uncovered.
Just so hideous

OP posts:

PurpleOkapi · 30/10/2021 03:14

Weird that, because I'm sure it would suddenly bother them if they had no clothes, towels, nappies in a pile in the bedroom, bin overflowing.

So call his bluff and stop doing it. If you're right, there will come a point where he'll do it himself, and that's progress.

starrynight21 · 30/10/2021 03:15

It kills marriages

That only happens if you marry a lazy , messy man. Since most of us live with the man before committing to him, we must know what he is like .

You married him and expected him to up his game ? Your bad, I'm afraid.

Original poster

PippyLongmocking · 30/10/2021 03:23

@PurpleOkapi

I know you're tired of hearing it, but if you want to continue living with this person, you need to learn to ignore things that don't affect you. If you don't use the same bathroom, piss on the toilet and mould in the shower don't affect you. If you do use the same bathroom, then I don't see why cleaning mould out of your own shower is such a big deal, even if its existence is only 50% your fault.

Don't threaten divorce unless you really mean it. If you truly intend to divorce him over piss on the toilet, fine, by all means say so. But if you don't, and you're just hoping the threat will make him clean the toilet, this won't help anything. It just poisons the well and makes him less willing to put himself out for someone he thinks is going to divorce him anyway.

Try to remember that the only person made happy by your cleaning is you. He's not intentionally forcing you to do all the work - he genuinely doesn't care if you do it or not.

🤣🤣🤣

Oh how hilarious.
DH is that you my love? If so, clean the toilet please.

I'm made happy by my cleaning, nobody else. 🤣🤣🤣
The main bathroom is used by guests so yes it matters if it's filthy.
I clean the bathroom and toilet I use, I also then have to go into a bathroom I don't use and do that as well. When they could just do it after their shower/used the toilet.
Mould is a health hazard.

Why is it me poisoning the well and not them by not upping their standards?

Reframe. Hey slovenly one, don't ruin your marriage over the floors and toilet, you know they just love a clean house, humour them, up your standards and just wipe piss off a toilet, it'll stop that whining and you might get laid.

OP posts:

Original poster

PippyLongmocking · 30/10/2021 03:25

@starrynight21

It kills marriages

That only happens if you marry a lazy , messy man. Since most of us live with the man before committing to him, we must know what he is like .

You married him and expected him to up his game ? Your bad, I'm afraid.

Nope. Didn't marry this version. As soon as kids arrived that was it. No longer tidies, cleans, anything. So not 'my bad'. As in my fault I assume you mean?

OP posts:

nomoneytreehere · 30/10/2021 03:50

Mines worse. Does nothing. Makes a mess. Doesn’t help the kids. Then actually fucking moans at me about the mess he has made.

Original poster

PippyLongmocking · 30/10/2021 03:57

@nomoneytreehere

Mines worse. Does nothing. Makes a mess. Doesn’t help the kids. Then actually fucking moans at me about the mess he has made.

That is ridiculous

OP posts:

PurpleOkapi · 30/10/2021 04:08

I'm made happy by my cleaning, nobody else. 🤣🤣🤣
The main bathroom is used by guests so yes it matters if it's filthy.

And you're apparently the only who cares about how guests perceive this. I'm not saying I agree with him about that. But it should be clear to you by now that this is much more important to you than it is to him. No amount of nagging will make him agree with you about its importance.

I clean the bathroom and toilet I use, I also then have to go into a bathroom I don't use and do that as well. When they could just do it after their shower/used the toilet.

No, you don't "have" to. You choose to. I understand why you choose to, but framing this as though you have no agency whatsoever is counterproductive.

Mould is a health hazard.

Close the door. Shove a towel under the gap if you're that worried about it. Though if mould is popping so often that cleaning it whenever it appears is a real hardship, and you can't just spray something on it every few weeks, it's probably a bigger issue with the house itself.

Why is it me poisoning the well and not them by not upping their standards? Because you're the one making empty threats about divorce.

Reframe. Hey slovenly one, don't ruin your marriage over the floors and toilet, you know they just love a clean house, humour them, up your standards and just wipe piss off a toilet, it'll stop that whining and you might get laid.

It doesn't matter whose fault it is. All that matters is that you can't force him to do anything he's determined not to do. The only thing you can control is what you do about it. Clearly he's decided that getting laid (by you, at least) isn't worth cleaning the toilet. Which isn't terribly surprising if you're yelling about divorce all the time.

By all means, leave your marriage if you're so unhappy. That's your choice. Understand that, own it, and be prepared to live with the consequences either way. If you choose to stay, one of those consequences will be that nothing gets cleaned unless you clean it yourself. Either that's worth it to you, or it isn't. But if you choose to stay, the healthiest approach would be to try to find peace with the situation, not do everything in your power to make sure everyone else is as miserable as you are.

NCForthisxox · 30/10/2021 04:09

Get a cleaner we were fighting over chores everyday we are both lazy and do the bare minimum it's saved our relationship we still fight but it's nowhere near as bad.

Bluedabadeeba · 30/10/2021 04:40

Can't believe some people are accepting this 'I don't see the mess malarkey'!! They certainly DO see it... they just decide to allow their partner to deal with it.

It is total and UTTER TWADDLE! They only don't see it if we allow them NOT to... I.e if we continue to be their housekeeper, maid and cook.

It's Strategic Incompetence at it's best, I'm afraid! Do not allow your mental load to be dumped on any longer!! Girls get given dolls, asked to clean, cook and the likes where as boys do not (look it up, there's a study on it!). So no wonder we're programmed to do all this stuff!! We can only hope to change it with the next generation!

Can you tell.. this stuff really grinds my gears!?

Out of interest, anyone with a female partner finding themselves in this position?

PurpleOkapi · 30/10/2021 05:04

I'm female, and my husband finds himself in that position a lot. Not to the extremes OP describes, but his standards are a lot higher than mine for most things.

It's not that I don't see the mess - I know it's there. I'm just completely unbothered by it. I didn't care when I lived alone, either. When it got messy enough to bother me, I'd clean. That wasn't very often. It's not some convoluted conspiracy to "force" my husband to do it for me. I legit do not care whether he cleans or not. If he didn't, I'd either get around to it eventually or hire a cleaner. No big deal either way. I guess I'm mildly grateful that I no longer have to deal with it at all, but because I don't share OP's terror of mess and dirt, I don't view it as him saving me from some horrible fate.

I agree with you that OP should just quit doing it and let the chips fall where they may. She "can't." That's her prerogative, but past a point, it's really her own fault.