Page 4 | Just relax, lower your standards....

Franklyfrost · 30/10/2021 09:35

Do you both work the same hours and contribute the same percentage of your pay to the family? Do you really want a divorce? If so, I think you can fairly tell him you’ll leave if he doesn’t help. Give him a job, say changing the households bedding once a week and tell him if he doesn’t do it you’re divorcing. For three people I’d guess bathrooms need to be cleaned once a week, dishes done once a day, floors hoovered once or twice a week, kitchen surfaces wiped every couple of days…. Anything more than that basic level is unnecessary.

SarahBop · 30/10/2021 09:37

@PippyLongmocking

Yes I washed bedding and it was put in the bedroom for them to make and it sat there for a month getting made into a ball of scrumpled cloth. So duvet and matress both uncovered. Just so hideous

Eh? So the bedding was only washed once a month?

Are you talking about DH or the kids, with the bare mattress thing?

Surely it'd your job as a parent to say something like "Your bed needs to be remade before dinner time" ..then if it's not, something like If your bed isn't made, you won't have any xbox time tomorrow.
Surely your job as parents, is to raise the kids to have pride in their space..that includes not pissing on toilet seats, not sleeping on bare mattress' etc.

But yes, if your DH is a lazy slob too, then he's a big part of the problem.

AliasGrape · 30/10/2021 09:38

Our standards are lower than many I think, with DH’s a smidge lower than mine. But we have certain non negotiables and the bathroom and kitchen are kept to a decent standard of cleanliness and we have clean clothes, clean pots/plates and clean bedding/towels (not mumsnet changed 3 times a day standard but clean enough!) even if the stair carpet is long overdue a vacuum and the ironing pile is a little out of hand. I think it would be really hard to live with someone with wildly different standards - in either direction.

DrSbaitso · 30/10/2021 09:40

It's not a minor thing to be made to live in a shithole by someone who clearly doesn't care how you feel.

Rabblesthecat · 30/10/2021 09:40

We are the opposite and it’s exhausting for me.

I’m not a slob but I am untidy - he loves a show home. The other day he apparently felt embarrassed when his mate came around and there was a bit of a grease smear next to the hob if obviously missed when wiping down.

Now, when he met me I was a slob. Over the 10 years we have been together I’ve changed.

When I cook the kitchen no longer looks like a disaster zone for days as the dishwasher tries to catch up. I clean as I go. Does take some of the fun out of cooking mind which I love doing - seem to spend more time cleaning than cooking.

The problem is, not matter how much I improve - when one standard is met then another is added.

The shower is a great example.

It started of - just spray it down with shower clean when you’ve finished. Ok. Learnt to do that.

Then it was use the squeegee to get the excess off. Ok. Started doing that

Then, if you run a micro fibre cloth over after the squeegee it will sparkle (really? Do I care?) but ok I do that.

Now it’s turning into drying the tray. Then it will be something else.

Now, I do all the cooking, household management work full time and am the bread winner

He is virtually retired but apparently doesn’t like waking around having to tidy up
After me

He admits he walks around looking for things that need to be cleaned.

GnomeOrMistAndIceGuy · 30/10/2021 09:41

When my DP moved in (straight from living at home) he tried this stunt, claiming he "didn't see mess" and it "didn't bother him." What he really meant was his mother ran around after him while he pretended not to notice. I very carefully spelled out how disrespectful this was and how as an adult living here, he needed to pull his weight. Immediately he apologised and admitted he had been shit and now we do it all as a partnership. I haven't even had to go through the stage of arguing that no, putting up some curtains once in a blue moon does =/= the daily shit grind of washing up, etc.

Cornettoninja · 30/10/2021 09:45

My standard is simply leave a room as you found it. Don’t add any mess, don’t feel obliged to leave it sparkling.

I think that’s a fairly low standard personally.

Fallagain · 30/10/2021 09:45

@PippyLongmocking

...live in a shit hole.

Why do untidy people get to languish in their own filth and squalor, while tidy people get the choices of;

Clean and tidy for them.
Nag, whine, beg, plead, create whiteboards, starcharts, threaten divorce.
'Lower your standards'. In other words live in a crap hole.

Why does no bugger say 'increase your standards' or 'compromise you piggy, pay for a cleaner'?

Aibu to think the messiest laziest member of the household has a better deal.
They get to do jack shit while proclaiming 'I just don't see mess' 'it doesn't bother me'.

My standards are now so low that it's unrecognisable what they are.

Surely pay for a cleaner is standard MN advice. One I agree with btw.

I sat down with DH we wrote a list of daily, weekly, monthly and occasional jobs followed by how long they take it was eye opening for both of us as we were both doing things the other didn’t see and then we divided the jobs between us.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 30/10/2021 09:46

Why are you still living with him?

SarahBop · 30/10/2021 09:53

@Rabblesthecat

We are the opposite and it’s exhausting for me.

I’m not a slob but I am untidy - he loves a show home. The other day he apparently felt embarrassed when his mate came around and there was a bit of a grease smear next to the hob if obviously missed when wiping down.

Now, when he met me I was a slob. Over the 10 years we have been together I’ve changed.

When I cook the kitchen no longer looks like a disaster zone for days as the dishwasher tries to catch up. I clean as I go. Does take some of the fun out of cooking mind which I love doing - seem to spend more time cleaning than cooking.

The problem is, not matter how much I improve - when one standard is met then another is added.

The shower is a great example.

It started of - just spray it down with shower clean when you’ve finished. Ok. Learnt to do that.

Then it was use the squeegee to get the excess off. Ok. Started doing that

Then, if you run a micro fibre cloth over after the squeegee it will sparkle (really? Do I care?) but ok I do that.

Now it’s turning into drying the tray. Then it will be something else.

Now, I do all the cooking, household management work full time and am the bread winner

He is virtually retired but apparently doesn’t like waking around having to tidy up
After me

He admits he walks around looking for things that need to be cleaned.

Does he do these things too? Or he just bosses you about and expects you to do it?

"He admits he walks around looking for things that need to be cleaned" - that's fine if that's his hobby and he cleans them, NOT FINE if he is looking for stuff to get you to do.

I really hope he isn't as cruel and dictator'ish as it sounds...

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 30/10/2021 09:57

He admits he walks around looking for things that need to be cleaned.

@Rabblesthecat in that case, he can bloody well clean them! That really is the other side of the coin.

GoodnightGrandma · 30/10/2021 09:59

He needs a retirement job or a hobby.

TimeForTeaAndG · 30/10/2021 10:04

@nomoneytreehere

Mines worse. Does nothing. Makes a mess. Doesn’t help the kids. Then actually fucking moans at me about the mess he has made.

How have you not smothered him with a pillow yet?

Pawprintpaper · 30/10/2021 10:04

@Heronwatcher

YANBU, but you do need to address this in a different way. My DH isn’t bad but definitely has some house habits which I can’t stand (hoarding, doesn’t see mess, leaves food out etc). He’d probably say the same about me. But I sat down and explained to him that it’s not me being a nag, living in an untidy messy dirty house severely affects my mental health and unless he wants me to be miserable and anxious all the time he needs to try to raise his standards. We also have a cleaner. I think that basic standards (sheets, no mould) are absolutely non negotiable when you have kids. Why does this happen? I do think that it’s a mixture of not being bothered themselves about it but also just plain laziness in some other cases- but that’s no excuse, if you know something really bothers your partner you should at least try to address it if you value the relationship.

Agree with all of this.

Salayes · 30/10/2021 10:06

@Rabblesthecat

We are the opposite and it’s exhausting for me.

I’m not a slob but I am untidy - he loves a show home. The other day he apparently felt embarrassed when his mate came around and there was a bit of a grease smear next to the hob if obviously missed when wiping down.

Now, when he met me I was a slob. Over the 10 years we have been together I’ve changed.

When I cook the kitchen no longer looks like a disaster zone for days as the dishwasher tries to catch up. I clean as I go. Does take some of the fun out of cooking mind which I love doing - seem to spend more time cleaning than cooking.

The problem is, not matter how much I improve - when one standard is met then another is added.

The shower is a great example.

It started of - just spray it down with shower clean when you’ve finished. Ok. Learnt to do that.

Then it was use the squeegee to get the excess off. Ok. Started doing that

Then, if you run a micro fibre cloth over after the squeegee it will sparkle (really? Do I care?) but ok I do that.

Now it’s turning into drying the tray. Then it will be something else.

Now, I do all the cooking, household management work full time and am the bread winner

He is virtually retired but apparently doesn’t like waking around having to tidy up
After me

He admits he walks around looking for things that need to be cleaned.

Wait, what? You’re working full time and doing all this cleaning to his standards while his main contribution is to find more stuff to moan about?? That’s fucked up, why are you going along with it?

Shelovesamystery · 30/10/2021 10:08

@PippyLongmocking

I agree on the show home comment. I don't expect that. But picking up after yourself, cleaning a kitchen hob, vacuum once in while, wipe piss off the toilet. General cleaning.

Not leaving a shower to go black with mould, filthy floors, a kitchen that's just left to ruin.

Plump a pillow if you need to but I'm talking things like not making a bed, sleeping on the bare mattress etc.
Apparently these are high standards.

Well I was going to say YABU because my standards are lower than I'd like. I have plenty of time and little stress but I'm a procrastinator and I bloody despise doing housework.

But yes your standards are not at all unreasonable. I may be slovenly but the thought of being too lazy to put a sheet on a mattress is just plain ridiculous! YANBU

Robin233 · 30/10/2021 10:10

@LivingLaVidaBabyShower
Brilliant- this is the sort of thing I'd do. But not as subtlety

Cherrysoup · 30/10/2021 10:22

Honestly, if he’s in a different bedroom and uses a different bathroom, let him rot in his own filth. Ban the kids and their mates from those areas. Obviously him being disgusting would mean no sex ever, because he’s not clean. I would do sweet fa for him, no cooking, cleaning, washing. He needs to be made to live in shit. It probably would end in separation for me, I could not cope with piss on the loo/floor, filthy rooms etc. He needs to up his standards, you should not lower yours.

Stellaroses · 30/10/2021 10:31

Well, I see both sides. Sounds like I have higher standards than your dh. I definitely don't leave actually dirty things around.
BUT the "mess" (clutter) really doesn't bother me and dh is not doing some job or favour for me by tidying it - I genuinely don't care. He does it for him and he needs to do it for his own happiness.
Having said that, I don't object to doing things sometimes just to add to his happiness - surely what marriage should be. Same as I would cook his favourite food even if I'm not keen on it.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 30/10/2021 10:35

It’s not always fhe messier person who gets their way. For instance an averagely tidy/ messy (depending on your POV) might live with someone who wanted an absolutely show home, and made their life a misery by forever harassing them about perceived mess.

But yes, often the utter slob does get to make their partner’s life a misery.

I do struggle a bit with keeping things tidy but I make an effort - it’s always clean because I pay a cleaner!

My ex thought he was tidy but in fact he never did any - he just wanted to have a go at me about things not being “spick and span” (he actually used this phrase to me, as how I should have the house while on mat leave)

Mojoj · 30/10/2021 10:41

Love reading these posts as I sit here in my lovely clean house. Reminds me how happy I am it's just the kids and I🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

dayslikethese1 · 30/10/2021 10:45

What OP is describing sounds a very basic, low level, not showhome level. It sounds like her DH doesn't do anything around the house. I couldn't live with that either OP though I guess some ppl wouldn't care.

dayslikethese1 · 30/10/2021 10:47

I'm confused about the bed story though, did you both sleep on a bare mattress for a month? Or is that his personal bed?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 30/10/2021 10:58

I am agreeing yanbu if that wasn’t clear to everyone OP!

I’m not saying you’re like the example I was describing above

Original poster

PippyLongmocking · 30/10/2021 11:10

@dayslikethese1

I'm confused about the bed story though, did you both sleep on a bare mattress for a month? Or is that his personal bed?

No I didn't sleep in it. I stripped it and washed the bedding. Then it just sat, next to the bed, becoming a sort of rolled up sausage entwined together. So both utterly horrifying that clean items done and also disrespectful that I'd washed and dried bedding that just got crumpled into a ball.

I left it to see how long it would take.
I ended up making the bed.

OP posts: