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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want him to stay out for all matches

139 replies

Chocolateandsweets · 29/10/2021 20:27

My husband and I have two children, a 1 year old and 2 year old. I work part time and he works full time, we are both free on weekends.
He has a season ticket for football and goes to a match on average once a fortnight. He usually stays out and drinks afterwards.
He does sometimes go to games during the week but he will just come home straight after those.
He also plays football on a Tuesday night.
Am I being unreasonable to not want him to stay out drinking after every Saturday match? (About every fortnight). I don't have family close by, and don't have many friends with children... I am just so burnt out that I could really do with him being there every weekend. I am not saying that I want him to miss matches, I am happy for him to go, but would prefer it if he just stayed for one drink after, rather than having a whole drinking session and coming back late.
Aibu?

OP posts:
LindaEllen · 30/10/2021 11:17

@Chocolateandsweets

Whenever I mention anything about him going out his response is always 'you can go out too, I am not stopping you' which is true, but I don't have places that I want to go by myself or friends to go places with. I want to do things as a family. I hate it, with two young children it is so hard to take them places by myself.
With respect, and I honestly mean this kindly, the fact that you have no friends isn't his fault. It's not healthy to JUST have 'family time' all the time. Everyone should have something to do outside of the family - friends, a hobby etc - or they'll go mad.

I wouldn't have thought one evening a fortnight was much to be concerned about, to be honest. You need to focus more on finding something to do yourself than worrying about him spending 1/14 nights out with friends.

TimeForTeaAndG · 30/10/2021 11:20

I think that given the OP says he'd rather they just all sit and watch TV than go out, it's very likely that the H doesn't take up much of the parenting at any point in the week.

So it's not just every other Saturday. If he did an equal share of parenting for the rest of the week then I doubt OP would be fussed about the football time.

Extraonions · 30/10/2021 11:22

I never gave my season ticket up …. She was born in June, and I was back at the football in September. My husband looked after her (of course), I went to all the home matches. I’m not giving football up because I had a baby.
My husband also had his hobby, so did that on his own. He also played sport (cricket), so we would go along and watch.
We also had separate nights out, and nights out together
We also have small holidays on our own … and then we have family holidays.
It doesn’t have to be one thing or the other … you can do independent things, and family things. It looks as though you don’t want to do independent things.

One of the tricks is to not concern yourself with how the other person decides to spend their time when looking after the children. As long as they do the basics: let them sit in front of the television, or stay at home, or go to the park … or whatever. Let them get on with it, they are an adult parent.

Rainbowqueeen · 30/10/2021 11:28

Don’t have another baby

Start getting out on your own regularly.

Instead of days out with the DC aim for a couple of hours at the park. If he doesn’t want to come with you ask him to make the lunch for when you and the dc get home.

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 30/10/2021 11:31

@Chocolateandsweets

Also, he wants another baby.
That would be a "No, thank you" and a lot of contraceptive from from me.

Personally i would be taking him up on his offer enthusiastically and ensuring you have equal time off and an equal experience. E.g. after football he doesnt come home to shit tip and unfed children which he then needs to sort out... neither should you.

If he doesnt look after things properly when you are out, you need to play him at his own game and you leave everything and he needs to sort it ALL when he gets home. And HE needs to sort it because you did it for him last time he screwed you over

If he doesnt like it and of he isn't up for it you need to go back to the drawing board and find something you are happy with.

But as per another thread on here i am a hardline nutter, i'm willing to go the extra mile to prove my point

HeyFloof · 30/10/2021 11:40

@womaninthelamp

Basically what I'm saying is she could say no more season tickets and demand he comes home straight after the matches he had left this season, but what difference will it make other than having a resentful husband at home who still doesn't pull his weight?
I agree. The issue is that he doesn't do anything the rest of the time in contribution. The football is what is pushing OP over the edge
Original poster
Chocolateandsweets · 30/10/2021 11:44

Thank you for all your replies. I will look into booking a day trip away in a hotel and have a day to myself.
@TimeForTeaAndG @womaninthelamp you are right. I think if it was just the football it wouldn't bother me as much. I just feel so tired of doing everything. I clean the house, do all the washing, empty and load the dishwasher (he will unload the dishwasher if I am in a bad mood), prepare all the things for the children's nursery, make dinner every day, go downstairs early to make us both coffee while he has a lie in, do the food shop with both children. Just everything.

OP posts:
womaninthelamp · 30/10/2021 12:06

@Chocolateandsweets

Thank you for all your replies. I will look into booking a day trip away in a hotel and have a day to myself. *@TimeForTeaAndG* *@womaninthelamp* you are right. I think if it was just the football it wouldn't bother me as much. I just feel so tired of doing everything. I clean the house, do all the washing, empty and load the dishwasher (he will unload the dishwasher if I am in a bad mood), prepare all the things for the children's nursery, make dinner every day, go downstairs early to make us both coffee while he has a lie in, do the food shop with both children. Just everything.
Sound a bloody knackering and I can see why in addition to this, him pissing off out to the football is the last straw.

Men get away with so much crap though when we focus on the wrong things (the final straws) and make ourselves look unreasonable. So when he says to his mates "she won't even let me out twice a month for a drink after the footie" you sound awful. That's not what's wrong at all

FreakinFrankNFurter · 30/10/2021 12:17

@Dishwashersaurous

Book a family day for the next three Saturdays without a match. Swimming, farm park, etc.

Then do a family day and see how.he is

Don't do this. Instead the next three alternate Saturdays when the matches aren't on go out for the entire day on your own. For the same amount of time he is usually out or at least don't return until after the kids bedtime. Even if it means going for a swim, coffee, shopping, friends house. Even if it means booking a cheap hotel to have a snooze in!

I know you want family time rather than time alone but he needs to see exactly what it is like looking after two little ones alone for the entire day. DO NOT prep anything for him or make any suggestions of what might make it easier for him.

Make sure you do one evening a week as well. Go out and leave him to it.

Amdone123 · 30/10/2021 12:27

He does sound like a shit dad.
Why did you have to cancel your day out because he got the dates wrong? Does the world revolve around him?
You need to sit him down a have a serious chat. You sound really unhappy to me. He doesn't want family days out, he'd rather be at the football with his pals. There is nothing wrong with you both having downtime but you're both on different pages. I'd forget family days out for now. Book the next day you can for yourself and go out on your own. Think about what you want.

RandomMess · 30/10/2021 12:37

Start doing the food shop whilst he puts the DC to bed!!

I cannot believe you take them with you when you have a partner at home.

VampireVicki · 30/10/2021 12:45

OK, so initially I thought YABU as having a night out once a fortnight, where you come home by 11 really isn't excessive.

However, from your last update, it looks like your real issue is that he's a shit partner who expects you to do all the drudge work.

Fuck that shit. I would address that rather than focussing on the football issue.

Dishwashersaurous · 30/10/2021 12:52

Lots of little changes.

Online food shop. And he can do it.

Split cooking.

Split cleaning etc

RandomMess · 30/10/2021 13:04

Really it's a whole day out every other Saturday - gets up late, out before lunchtime comes home pissed late. Is he up bright and early Sunday morning after these epic sessions?

He gets every Tuesday evening out too, he's hardly hard done by is he.

One Saturday out for the match and one drink, the next match out all day - hardly a big compromise the Op is asking for especially in light of his utter crap ness.

darkn · 30/10/2021 13:05

One night in 14 doesn't sound too bad

Yea if they were socialites who didn't have to work but her dh works full time so weekends are their only real time together so I see where op is coming from. It means he'd be hungover all day Sunday too. Sounds to me like he still thinks he's a 22-year-old bachelor rather than a married man.

HotSauceCommittee · 30/10/2021 13:13

He got the dates for his football match wrong and YOU had to cancel?
No. Just no. Please don't put up with this. He is treating you like shit.

womaninthelamp · 30/10/2021 13:18

I think some peoples idea of an epic session is a bit different to mine! Home at 11pm?? We don't leave the house until 10pm when we go out

Dishwashersaurous · 30/10/2021 13:21

I missed the bit about you cancelling because he got the dates wrong. You didn't need to cancel.

The fact that you did and he let you demonstrated so clearly that you are not a partnership

BlueBellsArePretty · 30/10/2021 13:32

@womaninthelamp

I think some peoples idea of an epic session is a bit different to mine! Home at 11pm?? We don't leave the house until 10pm when we go out
What are you like 20? If the op's husband is out for 12-13 hours of which actually watching the match takes 2-3 hours then that leaves 10 hours. I'm sure most adults would consider that plenty time for drinking 🙄
womaninthelamp · 30/10/2021 13:40

Sorry no I'm 40. Partner and I kept our social lives and definitely wouldn't have taken kindly to having to stop nights out just because we were parents or be home by 11.

But it's totally different to OP's situation as we both had an equal share of responsibility at home and we both went out with friends without the other one. It wasn't unbalanced.

BlueBellsArePretty · 30/10/2021 13:51

Maybe you should have acknowledged that in your post as it seemed you were implying that the op should put up and shut up and not spoil her hubby's fun.

You sound unique though as in general parenthood marks a definite end to all night partying because you know being responsible for your children is more important.

RandomMess · 30/10/2021 14:00

We have 4 DC the youngest 3 close in age and DH still went for full days out/weekends away BUT he was absolutely doing his share of it all.

If he could have his weekend away (hobby) but come back overnight to do the washing up, help with the 6am starts and night wakening he did.

It's all about teamwork and the op seems to be a team of only herself Sad

BigSandyBalls2015 · 30/10/2021 14:09

I don’t think two nights out a month is a lot, I went out more than that when our twins were small, but DH pulled his weight. if he doesn’t do his fair share when he’s home then I can see how this would piss you off.

ivykaty44 · 30/10/2021 14:09

will look into booking a day trip away in a hotel and have a day to myself.

you must prepare yourself for the state of the house when you get back - intact plan for this

you can say gosh what a mess you've got to clear up, you can clear that up tomorrow when I take dc to the park...

make sure you don't clear up after him as this is some mens ploy to not have to be left with dc they make a big mess and keep telephoning their mother whilst they are away

RandomMess · 30/10/2021 14:10

@BigSandyBalls2015 he goes out weekly as well to play Footie for a whole evening.

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