To not want him to stay out for all matches

[Chocolateandsweets]

My husband and I have two children, a 1 year old and 2 year old. I work part time and he works full time, we are both free on weekends.
He has a season ticket for football and goes to a match on average once a fortnight. He usually stays out and drinks afterwards.
He does sometimes go to games during the week but he will just come home straight after those.
He also plays football on a Tuesday night.
Am I being unreasonable to not want him to stay out drinking after every Saturday match? (About every fortnight). I don't have family close by, and don't have many friends with children... I am just so burnt out that I could really do with him being there every weekend. I am not saying that I want him to miss matches, I am happy for him to go, but would prefer it if he just stayed for one drink after, rather than having a whole drinking session and coming back late.
Aibu?

@BarbaraofSeville

Find out his teams match day schedule, it's on the club's website. Don't rely on him 'telling you the date wrong'

Plan and do some family days out on non match Sundays together.

On Saturdays when his team is away, you do anything that gets you out of the house for 4-6 hours at the very least while he looks after his children. Go for a walk, to a gallery, go and sit in a coffee shop and read a book with your phone off, whatever.

Remember, he's not stopping you from having time to yourself .

Excellent advice here OP.

Toddlers are cute BUT looking after them is relentless, boring, exhausting drudgery, 90% of the time. The remaining 10% is utterly magical (and let’s face it, we put up with parenting because the magical bits are amazing) but the fact remains that 90% of toddler parenting is exhausting and unrelenting and BORING.

Of course DH wants another baby - it is easy to focus on the magical and ignore the drudgery if your wife does all the work! He gets stacks of time off and he’s only ever had to do the drudgery for an hour at a time, he probably thinks it’s a doddle.

Start planning trips of minimum 4 hours in length - even if you literally sit in a cafe eating cake. And for the love of God do not have another baby until he’s clocked up at least 50 hours of sole childcare, understands the relentless drudge AND is prepared to pull his weight properly going forwards.

I feel guilty leaving him with the children

why would you feel guilty leaving two children with their parent?

is the parent incapacitated in some way?

I'd probably arrange it do that he could go out every other Saturday, but you get the one in between to do your own thing, and he cuts out one of the midweek matches, and you also get a night off in the week.

Look, he's a twat. He wants another baby so you are kept tied down and he can feel justified in going out because, well, there's three little kids at home so of course he deserves some "me" time.

He's selfish thoughtless and lazy.

Definitely think you should start taking some time to grow your interests and friendships outside of home. Do you have any friends further away whom you could visit? That could easily take a whole Saturday without you having to drive around doing nothing all day to prove a point! Could you organise a meet up with some old friends etc? It can be so hard to think of things you’d like to do, when you are used to putting family first and not keeping your hobbies going, but once you do one thing, it’ll grow from there until you have a bit more of your life back and he starts to appreciate the work it takes to spend all Saturday alone with small kids. I totally get the frustration at having to plan all family activities and drag him along. Ask him to plan a family day out - perhaps sell it to him as a Christmas present to the kids or you if he acts like he can’t see the point.

YANBU - it sounds like the big problem here is also that you want to spend time as a family so it isn't as simple as you going out by yourself too.
I wouldn't think it's too much to ask for him to not go out for drinks after a game for a few years while the children are small.

And I agree with BarbaraofSeville - if he won't spend time with you and children take him up on the offer of time to yourself, go out for the day and let him get on with everything.

Maybe also try an evening out and don't get your DC all ready for bed etc, skip off at 5:30 and let him sort dinner/bath/bed. You could could join a running club or choir or whatever you're into.

Honestly you need to start insisting he does his share of parenting and stop waiting on him hand and foot.

Oh, op, he's a selfish git. He won't give up his season ticket? He does nothing around the house... he doesn't even look after his dc, just sits on his phone when he's with them.

What's the point of him??

Start going out every other Saturday. For the day. Let him learn what in involved in looking after the dc. He also has to clean the house and cook tea. Repeat until he knows what's involved.

And FFS don't have another baby with him. My vagina would have sealed shut after his behaviour.

You deserve so much better. Find your anger! He's being a shit partner.

I also don't agree with advice for you to plan days out for you all. Sod that! Sounds like your just isn't interested.

Focus on getting your h to do his share of parenting and chores first.

Then I'd focus on building my circle of friends so you have your own hobbies and mates. You will need them!!

Book a family day for the next three Saturdays without a match. Swimming, farm park, etc.

Then do a family day and see how.he is

@Chocolateandsweets

Also, he wants another baby.

That would be a firm no from me whilst this situation exists.

My ex valued football over everything, he would also say you can go out if you want. But what he meant was as long as it didn’t interfere with his football.

But I wanted to do things as a family, together, even if it was on a Sunday, but as he’s been out all Saturday he just wanted to lazy about.

In the end I got used to doing things on my own, and in the end I preferred it.
He used to sleep all Sunday. I made friends with others who I’d meet.

It wasn’t the whole reason why I left him but it was part of it.

You definitely need to let him have the kids while you go out so he understands what it’s like. Even though you love it it will really help if he understands the “relentless” side. Also he needs to understand that going out as a family is for YOU not just the kids. Maybe explain that the family stuff is like football is to him?

I think it’s good that he’s got his own hobby but he needs to be a more active parent or it’s not really fair.

I hope you’re not considering another child with this man who doesn’t even seem as though he wants to be a parent to his first two. Easy for him to want one when he does exactly as he pleases regardless

In all honesty I find “family” days out to much and probably far to intense for 1 and 2 year old

Why not just plan a trip to the park and take a drink with you and a snack from the bakers or home and then go to the library to collect books for children

And then a lunch when you get home. Then leave your oh with children whilst you go and do a hobby or meet friend or a trip to somewhere relaxing

That way you get family “ time” and some time to yourself

Also gives oh time to bond with his children - which is code for learning to take care of dc

There is definitely room for compromise here.

On a match day, I have no problem with DH staying out after the match, but he only goes out half an hour before kick off. Or he can go out for a few drinks before the match and comes hone straight after. I wouldn't be happy with him being out from 10am until 11pm every other weekend, but I also made that clear before we had kids (because I'd seen how my BIL goes on and I refused to accept it)
So, take today for example, he's going out for a drink before the match, k/o is 3pm so will be out from around 1ish. He will be parenting dd right up until he leaves or she goes down for a nap, including taking her to soft play this morning. So I can get a decent shower, any jobs done in the house before he goes and have an hour to myself. He'll be home straight after the match and will do bedtime with dd.
We will then spend time tomorrow as a family.

Things don't work in a family unless they work for the whole family

Exactly, for his local team, he only has to be out for something like 1 until 6 pm to give him time to get in and out and possibly a quick pint. If he's going out well before that, or staying out drinking well into the evening, he's effectively doubling up on his time away, because he's going to the football and having a night out with his mates.

So at least he can look after DD on Saturday morning so they spend some time together and you get some time off, and make it time off, not time to catch up with cleaning and laundry etc.

I feel guilty leaving him with the children.

meh, that's on you

From the rest of your posts the football is the tip of the iceberg

You're burnt out because you're doing everything and he doesnt want to put the effort in.

We can give advice on how to get you equal time but when it comes to your husband, you can take a horse to water but you cant make it drink. I.e. you cant stop him putting them infront of the tv and being a lazy fucker who wants you to have another baby whilst doing fuck all to raise them. Thats the problem.

In the short term tell him you want the alternate saturday to yourself. Go to the cinema, library, coffee, nap upstairs if he keeps the kids downstairs. A few tv days wont hurt the kids and will give you a break. Then use your Saturdays to build a support network. Make yourself go to places where you will make friends, reconnect with friends and family.

And book family stuff on a sunday. It might not be your preference but the kids deserve family fun. Build yourself up and youll realise you can do it alone and then he doesnt hold all the cards.

@Chocolateandsweets

My husband and I have two children, a 1 year old and 2 year old. I work part time and he works full time, we are both free on weekends. He has a season ticket for football and goes to a match on average once a fortnight. He usually stays out and drinks afterwards. He does sometimes go to games during the week but he will just come home straight after those. He also plays football on a Tuesday night. Am I being unreasonable to not want him to stay out drinking after every Saturday match? (About every fortnight). I don't have family close by, and don't have many friends with children... I am just so burnt out that I could really do with him being there every weekend. I am not saying that I want him to miss matches, I am happy for him to go, but would prefer it if he just stayed for one drink after, rather than having a whole drinking session and coming back late. Aibu?

This would really upset me. He’s lucky be gets to go to every match but staying out too is unreasonable. I have a 3 year old and my husband does one thing for thing for him at the weekend like a bike ride or the gym so I’ve decided to start yoga or a bike ride too.. as like you I don’t have places to go or lots of friends to see!

Try and find something for yourself and tell him you’ve planned it so he needs to have the kids. He’s being unfair.

OK i get that non-football fans simply don't understand the attraction, and often don't understand how hard it is to get a season ticket for some teams. (disclaimer: i go to all my team's home games, but i go with my DH, and if i ever go without him i don't tend to get drunk and stay out all day)

The thing is, a normal season ticket, i think, only covers league matches, but it is possible that it is for cup matches too. But.

There are 20 (?) teams in the Premier League. That is 38 matches, of which means 19 home games. Out of 52 weeks, that's not even half. Also, it is one day out of the weekend (not counting midweek matches) so there is the other day. (does he get absolutely bladdered?)

So the first thing is: 19 whole days out for you, without kids, to do with as you please. You ought to be able to find something to do, for your own sake and mental health.

The playing football is a bit more problematic, but again, you need to make a trade-off here with him or persuade him that it is time to stop.

As for not leaving the kids with their parent? you have to let that go and make him parent. Because if you don't, you have bigger problems than a season ticket. You would be doing your DCs, your DH and yourself a huge favour if you make him see that he is a parent and he has to do it properly. You really can't have it both ways: you can't moan that he goes out but then moan that you can't leave them with him. (IME men like this often turn to outside help in situations like this, that is ok, it is shit but the DCs are generally fine with that)

Don't have another child. Why would you? you can't cope with the two you have - but don't let that get you down, they do get easier as they get older. Also, they might get more interesting for your husband and he may take an interest. Don't waste that opportunity by having another small one that you don't want him to look after.

There is a way. Have you ever been to a football match? my club has an absolutely brilliant family stand with face painting, cheap tickets for the children etc etc, it's a brilliant day out.

He sounds absolutely useless.

Are you back at work/planning to be? Because you may decide that there really isn’t much point to him.

[quote Chocolateandsweets]@Redruby2020 this actually happened once. I finally planned to meet some friends who live an hour away. I planned it around the match days so he could be in with the kids as it was a match-free day. Turned out he told me the wrong date so I had to cancel on my friends the day before because he got the date wrong.[/quote]
🤔 Mmm, could of been a mistake, but sounds a bit like he may of wanted to stop your plans. Some guys who are like this, think that you are there as free childcare. My exP would pop in and out, and if the phone rang and he had someone asking him to go out, he would get up and go. I had this even a month or two after DC was born. Friend rang at 9pm he wasn't going to go because he thought it was just for a drink. But friend revealed it was for his birthday and off he went until 2/3am, I was fuming. And yet I remember clearly us coming back from registering babies birth, and he'd had a few calls whilst we were at the registry. On the way home he said oh I think I will call so and so back and might pop out for a few hours, I said oh okay yes and then I might meet my friends after that too (said it out of being annoyed) and exP turned around and said 'no chance'. So you see what I was up against, if I had my time again it would of been very different.

Why are you stopping him being a parent.
Makes no sense.
Make plans, put your coat on and leave him to parent.
You both signed up for the job.