To not want him to stay out for all matches

[Chocolateandsweets]

My husband and I have two children, a 1 year old and 2 year old. I work part time and he works full time, we are both free on weekends.
He has a season ticket for football and goes to a match on average once a fortnight. He usually stays out and drinks afterwards.
He does sometimes go to games during the week but he will just come home straight after those.
He also plays football on a Tuesday night.
Am I being unreasonable to not want him to stay out drinking after every Saturday match? (About every fortnight). I don't have family close by, and don't have many friends with children... I am just so burnt out that I could really do with him being there every weekend. I am not saying that I want him to miss matches, I am happy for him to go, but would prefer it if he just stayed for one drink after, rather than having a whole drinking session and coming back late.
Aibu?

Its once a fortnight. No big deal

You need to extend your social circle and stop piling the guilt on him

I don’t know how you even got to having a second child with him? Keep up birth control.

Focus on you, getting to full time work when you can and let/leave him look after the kids. Two is more than enough, especially with no support. I really feel for you.

[quote Chocolateandsweets]@andyindurham I feel guilty leaving him with the children. And I just want to do things as a family. In thr past year we have gone on 4 days out as a family (minus going for a walk around the block or to the shop).[/quote]
Why do you feel guilty leaving him with his children?

That is exactly what he is doing. Grow a back bone - is there football this week? OK go out next week, if not, tell him you're on your way out see you at 10

Oh OP you sound so sad. I think you had this idea in your head of how it was going to be. You and him on days out, him playing Abd laughing with the older one while you held the younger one on your lap, catching a h others eye and smiling at how happy and lucky you were

The reality is very different. He’s not particularly interested in parenting them
& has just left it to you. That’s gone on so long, he’s all “well I don’t know what to do with them” but you have also enabled this to happen

You must go out & do things for you. Yes you are their mum but you are a person in your own right too. Don’t lose sight of that!!! Take him up on his “I’m not stopping you” and go out, you need to do it for yourself and because your children shouldn’t grow up thinking only mums do parenting

Out of interest I'm wondering why he wants another child if he can't be bothered with the two he has? Do you have girls by any chance?
It doesn't matter if there isn't anything you want to do without the DC. Tot up the amount of time he's out at football each week leaving you to it, and you go out the same. Doesn't matter if it's to visit family, go shopping or just sit in the car for an hour with a drink and a magazine. He's banking on you not doing anything, that's why he's saying it! Catch him out. I don't get why you wouldn't ?!

[quote Chocolateandsweets]@CheddarGorgeous I have just thought, he has never had to look after both children by himself for more than one hour. Maybe he will realise how hard it is if I go out for the day[/quote]
Definitely do this, ideally on a Sunday after football, when he's knackered and hungover.

This doesn’t feel like a partnership. He’s prepared (in theory, let’s see if he is in practice) to let you go out, which is the thing he likes doing, but not to listen to what you want which is support at home.

Quite apart from the football, which would be a dealbreaker for me at the start, this doesn’t sound like a supportive partnership. And it clearly won’t change because of the football - so, is this ok for the rest of your life?

RealBecca
Great post!

It's perfectly fine for one parent to have hobby time if the other chooses not to, and I don't buy the idea one parent should give up hobby time because the other says they don't want to go out/only wants family time.

But it's not OK for one parent not to pull their weight around the house and expect the other to do everything.

The football isn't the major issue: her husband opting out of family and domestic responsibilities is.

You need to make plans on the alternate Saturdays.

I did this with my ex many years ago. I didn’t have friends (thanks to him) and I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do. So I booked a cheap premier inn and had a nap, had a bath in peace (with baby twins that was bliss) and a takeaway before gong home at 10pm

It made my point perfectly

@JustLyra

You need to make plans on the alternate Saturdays.

I did this with my ex many years ago. I didn’t have friends (thanks to him) and I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do. So I booked a cheap premier inn and had a nap, had a bath in peace (with baby twins that was bliss) and a takeaway before gong home at 10pm

It made my point perfectly

That sounds fab! Just to be in a hotel, have a long bath and read a book without interruption must be great when you have toddlers.

And there are plenty of things you can do on your own. I love going to see a film or to a concert on my own, and not having to analyse every bit of it afterwards.

Shopping is fine, especially if you have nice outlet shops somewhere or a town with the sort of shops that you normally wouldn't go to because it's a bit far to travel with the kids. And you have the perfect excuse with Christmas coming up. And there's the MN standby of a spa day, or just getting a haircut if funds don't run to the full works.

There will also be lots of Christmas themed events coming up that make great family outings.The National Trust does a thing at some of their gardens where they decorate the trees and pathways, they're magical. Get a few things like that booked for post-match Sundays.

I am very sceptical that your DH “accidentally” got the date of his match wrong, when you had arranged plans. I think you need to try that again but make sure that you have checked the fixture list too. If he tried it again, it’s just control right?
The football is a red herring. I wouldn’t mind my DH going to football so much, if he was an amazing father every other day. But your DH isn’t. He has no interest in your family life or helping you with domestic stuff. Babies and toddlers are boring. Stop feeling guilty and get some time off. He won’t appreciate how hard you work till you do.

All day once a fortnight is a big deal with kids that age that's 50% of your weekend devoted to his hobby, fuck that

OP what's your relationship like generally? Would you pushing for equal time off be something that might make him worse? drive him away?

I really like the idea of just going out to a hotel for the day, or just moseying round the shops, something to eat then cinema. People here can give you ideas but you'Re living this live.

Could you build up to something incrementally, so go out for a weekend evening when they're already ready for bed so it's not a shock to your DHs system? or maybe go out and he gets them ready for bed? (you have to be prepared that he won't do it exactly the way you would do it, if it doesn't harm the DCs that is fine)

I honestly think you need to change your outlook here. 19 Saturdays a year isn't that many really, everyone needs hobbies and a chance to unwind away from the kids and that includes you. Suck up the footie Saturdays, plan a day of fun and nice treats for you and the kids. Enjoy having the time to play with them without having to cook dinner, have a carpet picnic and snacks - the kids will love it. But make sure you get your time too, you could have Friday night before the match 'off' - he needs to sort dinner, do bath & bed AND get up with them the next morning so you get a lie in. If he gets 13 hours off completely then it's only fair you get some chill out time too. In an ideal world you would go out with friends but if that isn't possible then you need to plan some space at home. If he doesn't get on board then for the next footie weekend, I would book a Premier Inn for the Friday and literally walk out as soon as he comes home, returning around 9.55am the next day. He has to see the unfairness of the situation. Good luck x.

The more you post about him, the worse he sounds. What does he actually contribute to your life? He doesn't pull his own weight around the house, or do any childcare, and when he is around the kids he's on his phone.

Seriously, what's even the point of him???

He wants to be a single man with all the benefits of a wife and kids, but absolutely none of the effort.

Why does he want another when he appears not to like the ones you already have?! Hard no there. I’d be a hard nosed cow and arrange days out as often as possible, leaving the kids with him. Remind him he needs to clean the house and make a meal for everyone too.

Helping around the house and going out to the football are two separate issues. I don't think he's unreasonable to go out to the football 1 day out of 14. Nor is it unreasonable to play football one evening a week. Your entire social life shouldn't end just because you have children and he sounds more than willing to give you the same time to yourself.

He does need to help around the house more but he has plenty of time to do that around his hobbies.

Surely if you have a one and two year old then life is just about survival at this stage ?. Swimming and farm trips etc will be exhausting, especially with an incompetent dh.

I vote for the idea of you having every other Saturday to yourself for a few hours. As many as he is out of the house for.

Double win in that dh gets to learn how to look after his own kids plus he sees that it is not easy (if he does it properly) and you get to have some space and time to just be. With any luck you could look up social groups, maybe join a regular walking group, gymnastics (!), whatever floats your boat. If it's regular then you can get to know people.

But I would also have to talk to dh about how he is now a parent and that involves parenting! I would hate to go out and know that the TV is going on all day because he can't be bothered to be engaged with them. A trip to the park at this age is fun enough and not too taxing.

And please do not have another baby with this man!

It's not his fault you have no friends or social life is it? And why would you even contemplate another child when you're not coping with the two you have?

@Cronezone

All day once a fortnight is a big deal with kids that age that's 50% of your weekend devoted to his hobby, fuck that

This. When they're small it's relentless and exhausting. He's happy enough to let you do it, I think the suggestion of booking a Premier Inn for the day is excellent. Go out after breakfast, wander round the shops, get a bath bomb and a new book, load a film into a tablet and get food you love or arrange to meet a friend for an evening meal. Go home at 10/11pm. Hopefully that will make your point.

And don't listen to the "you're just better at it than I am" that he will spout. This is his opportunity to get better at it.

The football match is fine, it's the making it the whole day affair, the drinking (which then impedes him from getting up and parenting the next morning, so no lie in for you I'm betting) that takes the piss with little ones at home.

Sorry you're feeling crap about it but I have to say I'd feel really resentful if I wasn't allowed 2 nights out a month. And you said he's back when the kids are asleep so I assume even if he goes out drinking after the match he's still home in time to watch a film or have a few drinks with you on those Saturdays?

Unless there's a financial problem I think you'd be unreasonable to say he can't do this. It's so important to have individual activities. Are you sure there's nothing you'd like to do as he's said you should have the same freedoms?

@speakupattheback

Look, he's a twat. He wants another baby so you are kept tied down and he can feel justified in going out because, well, there's three little kids at home so of course he deserves some "me" time.

He's selfish thoughtless and lazy.

^ yep. 100%

Arrange a day out (even if you go somewhere by yourself) and let him experience what it's like. Seriously.

@womaninthelamp

Sorry you're feeling crap about it but I have to say I'd feel really resentful if I wasn't allowed 2 nights out a month. And you said he's back when the kids are asleep so I assume even if he goes out drinking after the match he's still home in time to watch a film or have a few drinks with you on those Saturdays?

Unless there's a financial problem I think you'd be unreasonable to say he can't do this. It's so important to have individual activities. Are you sure there's nothing you'd like to do as he's said you should have the same freedoms?

I get what you're saying here but OP is saying she's shattered and exhausted. He's getting in half cut at 10/11pm or later. By that point I'd be in bed, resentful and in no mood to discuss his lovely day out with a pissed up husband. He doesn't seem interested in how her day with two under two has been.

OP wants to spend time with her dh and kids as a family. But it doesn't sound like he's actually leaving her much wriggle room to carve out time for herself in order to go out and meet new people /friends. It suits him because his life hasn't really changed. It's easy to say "you do what you want" without actually facilitating it for her like she does for him.

But there are 8 weekend nights and 8 weekend days in a month and he's out for 2 of each. So they have 6 potential evenings together without work the next day and 6 potential family days? That's plenty to have family's time as well as time for OP to have her own individual interests.
I think she'd be knackered anyway and him coming home after the matches wouldn't really alleviate that in a meaningful way.

The problem is his lack of willingness to contribute an equal share when he IS home. As well as OP's lack of social life and own interests.

The drinks after football matches are a red herring.

Basically what I'm saying is she could say no more season tickets and demand he comes home straight after the matches he had left this season, but what difference will it make other than having a resentful husband at home who still doesn't pull his weight?