Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

To not want him to stay out for all matches

139 replies

Chocolateandsweets · 29/10/2021 20:27

My husband and I have two children, a 1 year old and 2 year old. I work part time and he works full time, we are both free on weekends.
He has a season ticket for football and goes to a match on average once a fortnight. He usually stays out and drinks afterwards.
He does sometimes go to games during the week but he will just come home straight after those.
He also plays football on a Tuesday night.
Am I being unreasonable to not want him to stay out drinking after every Saturday match? (About every fortnight). I don't have family close by, and don't have many friends with children... I am just so burnt out that I could really do with him being there every weekend. I am not saying that I want him to miss matches, I am happy for him to go, but would prefer it if he just stayed for one drink after, rather than having a whole drinking session and coming back late.
Aibu?

OP posts:

LolaSmiles · 29/10/2021 21:13

It's unreasonable for one person to get all the hobby/leisure time at the expense of the other.

However, it's also unreasonable for one person to not want to go out / say they only want family time, and then moan about the fact that their partner has chosen to have a life outside the family home.

As others have said, now is not the time for another baby.

JSL52 · 29/10/2021 21:13

Let him look after them on his own.

WonderfulYou · 29/10/2021 21:13

I don’t think twice a month is that bad to be honest. We all need time to relax and have fun.

On the alternate weekends do you go out?
What is he like when he is at home, does he do his fair share?

Dojacatpaws · 29/10/2021 21:15

Ah the obsessiveness of football fans

CheddarGorgeous · 29/10/2021 21:16

I think he's taking the piss but won't realise until you go out at10am on a Saturday and don't come back until 11pm.

Redruby2020 · 29/10/2021 21:20

@ILoveAllRainbowsx

You shouldn't even have to ask him but unfortunately as usual some men seem to think that child-rearing should fall to the woman

Thankyou!

Original poster

Chocolateandsweets · 29/10/2021 21:22

@CheddarGorgeous I have just thought, he has never had to look after both children by himself for more than one hour. Maybe he will realise how hard it is if I go out for the day

OP posts:

CheddarGorgeous · 29/10/2021 21:23

Do it!

andyindurham · 29/10/2021 21:23

[quote Chocolateandsweets]@andyindurham I feel guilty leaving him with the children. And I just want to do things as a family. In thr past year we have gone on 4 days out as a family (minus going for a walk around the block or to the shop).[/quote]
Not sure why you'd feel guilty about leaving your kids with their dad - he's supposed to be parenting them as well, and won't easily get the hang of it if he never does it on his own. Yes, it's hard. Yes, I hated bits of it (still do, sometimes), but I learned ways to make it easier - just like my wife did, just like you have - and if I organise myself I can have a fun day out (for both of us) with DD). I wouldn't have believed that four years ago, though, until I had to start doing it myself.

As for family days out, you'll struggle to fit them into matchdays, even if he jumps in his car as soon as the final whistle blows. Traffic and parking around most stadiums means he'll do well to be home be 6 and will probably need to leave before 2 (assuming a 3 o'clock kick-off and assuming you're not walking distance from his home team). That's not much time for a day trip, especially if you're as hopeless as we are when it comes to getting up on a weekend!

What would he say if you told him that next Saturday (when he isn't going to the game) you've booked up for the four of you to go to a child-friendly event at the local arts centre, or got tickets to see the latest animated film at the cinema or whatever? If you present him with a plan, it's harder to say no.

TheUndeadLovelinessOfDemons · 29/10/2021 21:25

[quote Chocolateandsweets]@CheddarGorgeous I have just thought, he has never had to look after both children by himself for more than one hour. Maybe he will realise how hard it is if I go out for the day[/quote]
He'll find it much harder if he's never done it before.

Redruby2020 · 29/10/2021 21:25

@ILoveAllRainbowsx

So many men think that they can carry on as they did more less before they had children. Unless he didn't want children and only had them because you wanted them then I think he needs to cut down on the time he spends out of the house.

With me, my exP was the one who suggested a child after 7/8 years, not unheard of, but I had not stayed with him expecting to have a child, and he suggested it for one or two reasons, I know that, otherwise had those factors not come in to it, he was as much like me, in that kids were not part of the plan. He cut back a bit on certain things, but everything else continued and he was also someone who did not want to get a bigger place etc, and at the same time wanted me at home, so go figure that, a mixed up mess, and I believe despite anything you have experienced from your partner, that you see the true person when you have kids. It has taken separating, for him to pull his weight more. Which is why I have weekends to myself now! 😁😎🍸

CraftyGin · 29/10/2021 21:26

I don't think that he is the problem.

You need to build up some interests so that you can also go out.

It's really important to build up a network. It means that - you get to go out - and that you have people to help you in emergencies.

Shewholovedthethebanhills · 29/10/2021 21:27

@Jeschara he wouldn’t be “babysitting” though, would he? Because they are his own children. He’d be parenting (which the OP says he has never done for more than an hour). Ever heard a mother described as babysitting while the father goes out?

Redruby2020 · 29/10/2021 21:28

@Chocolateandsweets

Whenever I mention anything about him going out his response is always 'you can go out too, I am not stopping you' which is true, but I don't have places that I want to go by myself or friends to go places with. I want to do things as a family. I hate it, with two young children it is so hard to take them places by myself.

Even if you have a partner who is willing to do their fair share, and you allow one another to still have a life, that doesn't mean because he would be willing to stay with the child whilst you go out, that he can still go as much as he wants regardless. So although you say you would rather do things as a family, if you wanted a Saturday night out then, how would that go down?! Or would it be okay as long as it's not when his matches/drinking sessions are happening!

Bellyups · 29/10/2021 21:28

Don’t have another baby just yet.

And I don’t think the issue is as easily resolved as ‘you go out too then’, the OP clearly states she is burnt out and could do with an active partner taking on parenting on these days. He doesn’t have to be out all day, and he doesn’t have to go to the in after either.

@Chocolateandsweets YANBU at all.

Redruby2020 · 29/10/2021 21:29

@Chocolateandsweets

Also, he wants another baby.

So did mine, don't do it, unless you get this situation sorted out first! Unless you want what is happening already, to happen X2!!

Original poster

Chocolateandsweets · 29/10/2021 21:29

@andyindurham thank you for your reply, that is really helpful.
I guess I will just be more proactive about planning days out, and if it is all planned he can't say no.
I just feel like he is going me a favour by going on days out. He doesn't like going out with them, and when we have gone on trips out and they have a tantrum he always says that he doesn't understand why we do things with them if they are going to have tantrums. If it was up to him we would be in front of the TV all day every day.

OP posts:

WonderfulYou · 29/10/2021 21:30

I have just thought, he has never had to look after both children by himself for more than one hour. Maybe he will realise how hard it is if I go out for the day

Make every other Saturday your day and do things as a family on the Sunday.
It’s good for kids to have alone time with one parent as it creates a stronger bond and it is good for you to have some freedom and be a person instead of just a parent.

You could join a gym, club, go for a long walk or go into your nearest town and go window shopping. There are lots of things you can do on your own.

Original poster

Chocolateandsweets · 29/10/2021 21:31

@Redruby2020 this actually happened once. I finally planned to meet some friends who live an hour away. I planned it around the match days so he could be in with the kids as it was a match-free day. Turned out he told me the wrong date so I had to cancel on my friends the day before because he got the date wrong.

OP posts:

BarbaraofSeville · 29/10/2021 21:36

Find out his teams match day schedule, it's on the club's website. Don't rely on him 'telling you the date wrong'

Plan and do some family days out on non match Sundays together.

On Saturdays when his team is away, you do anything that gets you out of the house for 4-6 hours at the very least while he looks after his children. Go for a walk, to a gallery, go and sit in a coffee shop and read a book with your phone off, whatever.

Remember, he's not stopping you from having time to yourself .

whitehorsesdonotlie · 29/10/2021 21:43

Why did you agree that he could get a season ticket this year? I'd have said no.

He is being U and selfish. What's he like with the dc when he's there? Does he pull his weight?

whitehorsesdonotlie · 29/10/2021 21:45

Ah, so he's a pretty shit dad and doesn't even look after his own dc. Of course. This is not a surprise...

Booboobadoo · 29/10/2021 21:46

It sounds like he's not interested in family life and doesn't want you to have any time to yourself. His idea of having a third child is bonkers, though would keep you trapped at home for the foreseeable. Is this what he wants??

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 29/10/2021 21:48

Could you book a day out with friends? Have something lovely to look forward to.

Original poster

Chocolateandsweets · 29/10/2021 21:49

@whitehorsesdonotlie he has had it for quite a few years and won't give it up.
He is OK, although he is just on his phone when he is with them. I do everything... the cleaning, washing, cooking. I just want to spend time together with him enjoying family life 😩

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6