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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not send dd her bag?

108 replies

TheBlindTracker · 29/10/2021 13:40

DD15 was going to meet some friends and then back to another friend for a sleepover. She had a small overnight bag - change of clothes, toothbrush, makeup etc. As she was leaving, she said she didn't want to take the bag with her and could i send it by motorbike taxi to her friend in the evening (we're in a country where it's very easy and relatively cheap to do that).

However, it would still cost equivalent of 2.50 pounds. I said absolutely not. Then she said it'd come out of her pocket money. However, she has been begging for more money recently, keeps on trying to cadge extra money for various things she needs to do. So this annoyed me - it's not a huge amount of course but easily avoided if she'd have just taken the bag with her. If she has money to burn then clearly she doesn't need to ask for extra money! So I said that no, she should take it with her. She got all stroppy and insisted she would come home to get the bag with her friend when going back to her house.

Fast forwrd to this evening, she doesn't want to come home to get bag and she calls DH to ask him to send the bag as I won't do it.

This has cued a big argument with DH who thinks if she pays for it herself then it's fine, that she mustn't be without her bag, and she's learnt her lesson (somehow) whereas I think that we're raising an entitled princess and that she needs to learn her lesson by being without her bag (one night, nothing absolutely essential). I also think DH is undermining my authority here (DH was not at home when DD left so not involved in the decision) whereas he thinks I'm being dictatorial and traumatising dd who will not have her toothbrush, make up or clean underwear.

OP posts:
Fallagain · 29/10/2021 13:42

I would send it but take the money out of her next pocket money. If its her money its her choice.

Alicesays · 29/10/2021 13:43

I'd send the bag but take the money for doing so out of her next pocket money.

WellLarDeDar · 29/10/2021 13:44

If she's paying for it, tell her to organise the motorbike taxi and be done with it? No need for so much drama.

FleasInMyKnees · 29/10/2021 13:44

She can arrange the bike taxi and pay for it when its delivered

Stompythedinosaur · 29/10/2021 13:46

I can't see what the lesson is - she is happy to pay £2.50 of her pocket money not to lug a bag around all day, which seems fair enough.

You don't have to put her pocket money up - if she asks for more money you can remind her how she spent it - not having money because you spent it already is a decent lesson.

PinkMoon22 · 29/10/2021 13:47

I don't understand why this has turned into such a big thing?
She's paying for it herself.
Letting her be without her bag for a sleepover isn't nice.
It's annoying carrying a bag round at the best of times so I don't blame her for not wanting to carry it round all day

CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson · 29/10/2021 13:47

I would have said yes in the first place of she was paying - her money her choice. However you were very clear, it isn't as if not having her bag more has been sprung on her out of the blue.

Now that decision has been made your dh is massively unreasonable not to back you up, and this just teaches her she can play you off against each other. She knew if she went without her bag she'd have to manage without it. Her choice, and she lives by the consequence of that choice now.

LaurieFairyCake · 29/10/2021 13:51

Send bag but make sure you deduct it and get Dh to agree with you that you're not giving her extra money going forwards

Blossomtoes · 29/10/2021 13:53

Just send the bloody bag.

Foolsrule · 29/10/2021 13:55

Send the bag and she pays. What’s the problem?

cultkid · 29/10/2021 13:55

Don't be a martyr I'm guessing you live in Thailand send her bag it's hot and I don't blame her for not wanting to drag it around

Don't be grumpy with her

TheBlindTracker · 29/10/2021 13:57

Hmm, I just though it very profligate and spoilt to refuse to take a small overnight bag and just shrug at the cost, guess it kind of triggered the thrifty side of mybrain!!

OP posts:
Prettybubblesintheair · 29/10/2021 13:57

Just send the bloody bag! Having clean underwear and a toothbrush is hardly raising a princess is it? One might argue basic cleanliness is a human right. You’re being ridiculous, this isn’t a hill to die on.

AmyDudley · 29/10/2021 13:58

I believe in picking your battles. You want to make a point because it is irritating behaviour from her (who knew teenagers could be annoying eh ?)but picking this moment - when it is only £2.50 and she says she will pay - makes you look petty and being difficult for the sake of it.
I'd get her to order the courier and take the £2.50 out of her pocket money.

She's chosen to spend her money on a courier so she didn't have to carry her bag all day, I don;t think that's unreasonable. But it's a choice and when it comes to next time she is begging for money remind her that she has chosen to spend on this thing, so she may have to wait until she can afford 'that' thing.

'Money to burn' is a bit of a red herring - I would guess most of the stuff teenagers buy would come under my description of 'burnt money' but they are old enough to make choices and its good to learn that sometimes it is one thing or the other but not both and you cut your clothes according to your cloth etc. I would have a conversation with her at some point about way to earn more money, or selling some stuff she owns if she wants more, but make it plain pocket money is a set amount and she needs to budget.

00100001 · 29/10/2021 13:58

Just let her spend her money how she likes.

TheBlindTracker · 29/10/2021 13:59

@cultkid

Don't be a martyr I'm guessing you live in Thailand send her bag it's hot and I don't blame her for not wanting to drag it around

Don't be grumpy with her

Ha ha, how did you guess @cultkid? Yep, she said 'Oh, just send it by Grab'

DD is not traipsing around outside though but hanging out at air conditioned malls

But OK, point taken

Thank you AIBU! Even though I still do think she's being wasteful...

OP posts:
CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson · 29/10/2021 13:59

So to everyone posting to send the bag....

You'd be totally happy for your 15 year old DC to play you and your DH off against each other, and for him to undermine you would you?

For what it's worth I'd have said yes to sending the bag in the first place. But given that that wasn't the agreement I think both DD and DH have behaved really badly here.

TheBlindTracker · 29/10/2021 14:00

Gosh, I really am in the minority here. I was so sure I was the reasonable one. Grin

Alright, I'll send her the bloody bag

OP posts:
eightlivesdown · 29/10/2021 14:00

I would send the bag. I understand why she wouldn't want to carry it round all day or be without it at a sleepover. I wouldn't have got into a discussion on the cost (£2.50!), would have agreed initially.

afaloren · 29/10/2021 14:02

For £2.50? All this drama? Goodness me.

TheBlindTracker · 29/10/2021 14:03

It wasn't carrying it all day. She left at about 4 or 5pm and it's now 8pm here. And it wasn't a big bag. A small rucksack for overnight.

But OK, her money then, she can waste it.

OP posts:
sunshinelover69 · 29/10/2021 14:06

£2.50?! Really??

MrsMiddleMother · 29/10/2021 14:07

Yanbu. For me what takes the piss is that she's saying take the money out of her next pocket money, not giving you the money at the time. Knowing teenagers she'll kick off that she doesn't have the full amount come next pocket money pay. Also the playing you and your dh off against each other. If he wants to send it, he can arrange it. Leave them both it

TheBlindTracker · 29/10/2021 14:07

Well, it's relatively a lot here. I took a taxi for that amount right across town. I could get three lunches for that amount.
And DD is always complaining that she hasn't got money and asking for more so I think that is why it was particularly annoying.

OP posts:
Goawaymorningsickeness · 29/10/2021 14:08

All this drama over £2.50.