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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not send dd her bag?

108 replies

TheBlindTracker · 29/10/2021 13:40

DD15 was going to meet some friends and then back to another friend for a sleepover. She had a small overnight bag - change of clothes, toothbrush, makeup etc. As she was leaving, she said she didn't want to take the bag with her and could i send it by motorbike taxi to her friend in the evening (we're in a country where it's very easy and relatively cheap to do that).

However, it would still cost equivalent of 2.50 pounds. I said absolutely not. Then she said it'd come out of her pocket money. However, she has been begging for more money recently, keeps on trying to cadge extra money for various things she needs to do. So this annoyed me - it's not a huge amount of course but easily avoided if she'd have just taken the bag with her. If she has money to burn then clearly she doesn't need to ask for extra money! So I said that no, she should take it with her. She got all stroppy and insisted she would come home to get the bag with her friend when going back to her house.

Fast forwrd to this evening, she doesn't want to come home to get bag and she calls DH to ask him to send the bag as I won't do it.

This has cued a big argument with DH who thinks if she pays for it herself then it's fine, that she mustn't be without her bag, and she's learnt her lesson (somehow) whereas I think that we're raising an entitled princess and that she needs to learn her lesson by being without her bag (one night, nothing absolutely essential). I also think DH is undermining my authority here (DH was not at home when DD left so not involved in the decision) whereas he thinks I'm being dictatorial and traumatising dd who will not have her toothbrush, make up or clean underwear.

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 29/10/2021 14:59

Id send if also telling her that if she asks you or dh for more money you will reduce her pocket money by £2.50. Id also look at getting her to earn more money if she wants it - washing cars, housework thats outside her chores etc

Ifyoudontlikeitdosomethingelse · 29/10/2021 15:06

OP, if she want to use a Grab then she can arrange for it and pay for it herself. Done!

mountbattenbergcake · 29/10/2021 15:07

You're not a bank, if she wants you to send her her bag, she needs to give you the money upfront.

She does sound pretty entitled, it's obvious she was never coming back for her bag.

Ifyoudontlikeitdosomethingelse · 29/10/2021 15:07

Also... Living in Thailand... Are you British? What's it like to live there? Winter is coming and I would do anything for a day on the beach in the sunshine!!

diddl · 29/10/2021 15:17

@Ifyoudontlikeitdosomethingelse

OP, if she want to use a Grab then she can arrange for it and pay for it herself. Done!
Yes!

Is there a reason that she couldn't organise it from where she was?

TheReluctantPhoenix · 29/10/2021 15:27

You are absolutely right.

It is shocking that so many feel that a healthy 15 year old cannot carry a light overnight bag on her shopping exploits.

Ultimately, what is the life lesson here? That someone is worth so little that they can transport your bag across town for you, rather than just taking it herself.

And what has she done to earn this privilege? Working hard? babysitting? Nope, just taking money from her parents (unless there is a back story somehow).

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 29/10/2021 15:28

I would send it but yes let her pay...wait for her to ask for more money then say no you spent it on the taxi. Then she can decided at that point if it was worth it or not .

IntermittentParps · 29/10/2021 15:30

It is shocking that so many feel that a healthy 15 year old cannot carry a light overnight bag on her shopping exploits.
I do agree with this.
What annoys me the most about the scenario though is her not organising her own taxi courier, but expecting you to do it for her.
I'd tell her she needs to save up her allowance to get a PA!

Viviennemary · 29/10/2021 15:31

You are being a bit mean IMHO. She doesn't want to lug her bag around. If you are very very short of money then fair enough. If not I can't see the problem.

Genegenieee · 29/10/2021 15:45

Are you normally an unco-operative person? My friend's DH is to their kids, lots of rows. I sometimes wonder how helpful his kids will be to him when he's old, if they will leave him in an old people's home. Something to ponder on when sweating stuff like this.

Kiduknot · 29/10/2021 15:48

Send it but make sure that dh agrees that the lesson will be refusing extra money because “she spent it on the taxi”

billy1966 · 29/10/2021 15:52

@CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson

So to everyone posting to send the bag....

You'd be totally happy for your 15 year old DC to play you and your DH off against each other, and for him to undermine you would you?

For what it's worth I'd have said yes to sending the bag in the first place. But given that that wasn't the agreement I think both DD and DH have behaved really badly here.

I agree with this.
Frazzled2207 · 29/10/2021 15:55

I'd expect her to organise and pay for it.

No way would I expect to organise a courier for her bag just because she didn't want to carry it round. It hadn't even occured to me that a cheap motorbike courier could even be a thing and yeah I would be worried if she was growing up expecting parents to drop everything and organise that for her on on her behalf.

Winterlights1 · 29/10/2021 15:55

Stop the drama and send her the bag. It’s really not a big deal. Why wouldn’t you want to help her out, it’s not very nice and you might need her to do you a favour one day.

crimsonlake · 29/10/2021 15:56

You yourself said it was relatively cheap to send it??? Why all this fuss about £2.50?

ChargingBuck · 29/10/2021 15:57

@TheBlindTracker

Hmm, I just though it very profligate and spoilt to refuse to take a small overnight bag and just shrug at the cost, guess it kind of triggered the thrifty side of mybrain!!
I can see your point - but she won't learn thrift by being denied her overnight bag. She's a teenager - far too easy to shrug all her disappointment & frustration back to you by blaming you & playing you off against dad!

So l agree with DH. But not until he is 100% onside with you saying DD has to pay for it. She will learn thrift by not having her pocket money increased, & realising that being lazy for £2.50 too many times soon adds up.

CatsArePeople · 29/10/2021 16:01

YANBU. This kind of behaviour leads people into payday loans and credit card debt. if she had forgotten the bag, would be forgivable, but she just couldn't be arsed.

TheBlindTracker · 29/10/2021 16:01

@Winterlights1

Stop the drama and send her the bag. It’s really not a big deal. Why wouldn’t you want to help her out, it’s not very nice and you might need her to do you a favour one day.
Ahh, that's OTT. I do plenty for her and, like I said, if it had been accidentally forgotten or had really been big then fine - and I would have paid too.

Honestly, if tables were turned, I would have 100% taken the bag with me without thinking twice. I'm not expecting her to do something I wouldn't absolutely do myself (and I can more than afford it!). It was NOT a big or heavy bag and she left the house at 4 or 5ish so not even having to carry it all day.

OP posts:
takenforgrantednana · 29/10/2021 16:03

@TheBlindTracker

DD15 was going to meet some friends and then back to another friend for a sleepover. She had a small overnight bag - change of clothes, toothbrush, makeup etc. As she was leaving, she said she didn't want to take the bag with her and could i send it by motorbike taxi to her friend in the evening (we're in a country where it's very easy and relatively cheap to do that).

However, it would still cost equivalent of 2.50 pounds. I said absolutely not. Then she said it'd come out of her pocket money. However, she has been begging for more money recently, keeps on trying to cadge extra money for various things she needs to do. So this annoyed me - it's not a huge amount of course but easily avoided if she'd have just taken the bag with her. If she has money to burn then clearly she doesn't need to ask for extra money! So I said that no, she should take it with her. She got all stroppy and insisted she would come home to get the bag with her friend when going back to her house.

Fast forwrd to this evening, she doesn't want to come home to get bag and she calls DH to ask him to send the bag as I won't do it.

This has cued a big argument with DH who thinks if she pays for it herself then it's fine, that she mustn't be without her bag, and she's learnt her lesson (somehow) whereas I think that we're raising an entitled princess and that she needs to learn her lesson by being without her bag (one night, nothing absolutely essential). I also think DH is undermining my authority here (DH was not at home when DD left so not involved in the decision) whereas he thinks I'm being dictatorial and traumatising dd who will not have her toothbrush, make up or clean underwear.

ok so she gets pocket money, so write this down on a sheet on a paper, then when she runs out and asks for more money give it to her and write that down, so the next "pay day" she gets her pocket money less what she owes you. its a hard old world isnt it? but a valuable lesson she has to learn. give her the option of earning more money by doing jobs around your house to pay off her debt quicker, but you have to stick to it, no playing dad off against mum as that is what she did this time, she knew dad and you would argue over it and he would give in.
Hallowbat · 29/10/2021 16:05

Can’t believe you’re begrudging your child £2.50

TheBlindTracker · 29/10/2021 16:06

@Genegenieee

Are you normally an unco-operative person? My friend's DH is to their kids, lots of rows. I sometimes wonder how helpful his kids will be to him when he's old, if they will leave him in an old people's home. Something to ponder on when sweating stuff like this.
Nope. It's nothing to do with being cooperative, that's missing the point completely. And I'm not going to agree to do something because I'm worried DD will dump me in an old people's home as revenge!
OP posts:
ChargingBuck · 29/10/2021 16:06

Sorry, posted prior to RTFT, guilty as charged ...
Good outcome OP. Hope DD has a fun night.

She was begging for money, insisting she is the only one of her friends who doesn't have money to do x,y,z and that her pcoket money isn't enough.
Grin Grin Grin

Aaaaaw the hilarious illogic of teens everywhere, unaware that their parents weren't born yesterday, & know that all her friends are also "the only one who doesn't have ..."

CatsArePeople · 29/10/2021 16:06

ok so she gets pocket money, so write this down on a sheet on a paper, then when she runs out and asks for more money give it to her and write that down, so the next "pay day" she gets her pocket money less what she owes you. its a hard old world isnt it

In all practicality, these things are forgotten in a day or two and won't be followed up, so hardly any lessons. OP shouldn't have let her out of the door without the bag.

TheBlindTracker · 29/10/2021 16:07

@Hallowbat

Can’t believe you’re begrudging your child £2.50
Oh man, it's not begrudging her the money, we can afford it and if she'd had forgotten it, then no problem. It's the principle of intentionally planning to have a small bag sent to save carrying it for some 3 hours!
OP posts:
ChargingBuck · 29/10/2021 16:08

@Hallowbat

Can’t believe you’re begrudging your child £2.50
Can't believe you don't understand rates of exchange. Can't believe you don't understand what £2.50 represents to people who are not in your income bracket.
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