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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not send dd her bag?

108 replies

TheBlindTracker · 29/10/2021 13:40

DD15 was going to meet some friends and then back to another friend for a sleepover. She had a small overnight bag - change of clothes, toothbrush, makeup etc. As she was leaving, she said she didn't want to take the bag with her and could i send it by motorbike taxi to her friend in the evening (we're in a country where it's very easy and relatively cheap to do that).

However, it would still cost equivalent of 2.50 pounds. I said absolutely not. Then she said it'd come out of her pocket money. However, she has been begging for more money recently, keeps on trying to cadge extra money for various things she needs to do. So this annoyed me - it's not a huge amount of course but easily avoided if she'd have just taken the bag with her. If she has money to burn then clearly she doesn't need to ask for extra money! So I said that no, she should take it with her. She got all stroppy and insisted she would come home to get the bag with her friend when going back to her house.

Fast forwrd to this evening, she doesn't want to come home to get bag and she calls DH to ask him to send the bag as I won't do it.

This has cued a big argument with DH who thinks if she pays for it herself then it's fine, that she mustn't be without her bag, and she's learnt her lesson (somehow) whereas I think that we're raising an entitled princess and that she needs to learn her lesson by being without her bag (one night, nothing absolutely essential). I also think DH is undermining my authority here (DH was not at home when DD left so not involved in the decision) whereas he thinks I'm being dictatorial and traumatising dd who will not have her toothbrush, make up or clean underwear.

OP posts:

Original poster

TheBlindTracker · 29/10/2021 16:09

@CatsArePeople

ok so she gets pocket money, so write this down on a sheet on a paper, then when she runs out and asks for more money give it to her and write that down, so the next "pay day" she gets her pocket money less what she owes you. its a hard old world isnt it

In all practicality, these things are forgotten in a day or two and won't be followed up, so hardly any lessons. OP shouldn't have let her out of the door without the bag.

Yeah, probably. Badly handled by me! Either accepting it'll come from pocket money or not letting her go without would both have been better.

OP posts:

ChargingBuck · 29/10/2021 16:10

@CatsArePeople

In all practicality, these things are forgotten in a day or two and won't be followed up, so hardly any lessons. OP shouldn't have let her out of the door without the bag.

Er - isn't that what the sheet of paper is about?

So no-one can ingenuously claim forgetfulness?
There's a life lesson in that alone ...

diddl · 29/10/2021 16:14

@Viviennemary

You are being a bit mean IMHO. She doesn't want to lug her bag around. If you are very very short of money then fair enough. If not I can't see the problem.

So if she doesn't want to lug her own bag about she can sort out & pay!

What a luxury to be even able to do that-without expecting someone else to sort it out as well!

SunshineCake1 · 29/10/2021 16:21

I sometimes raise at my eyes at my kids spending so much on certain things but then I remind myself it is their money, they aren't living my childhood and they are learning all the time about their own preferences. Send it but she pays.

Viviennemary · 29/10/2021 16:22

Why ask then.

Gardenlass · 29/10/2021 16:24

Do you mean £25? You can't get 3 lunches for £2.50.

Ifyoudontlikeitdosomethingelse · 29/10/2021 16:33

@Gardenlass

Do you mean £25? You can't get 3 lunches for £2.50.

You can in Thailand

itsgettingwierd · 29/10/2021 16:43

@TheReluctantPhoenix

You are absolutely right.

It is shocking that so many feel that a healthy 15 year old cannot carry a light overnight bag on her shopping exploits.

Ultimately, what is the life lesson here? That someone is worth so little that they can transport your bag across town for you, rather than just taking it herself.

And what has she done to earn this privilege? Working hard? babysitting? Nope, just taking money from her parents (unless there is a back story somehow).

Spot on.

I've been quite shocked at the number of people who've said it's understandable she doesn't want to lug a bag around.

It's a backpack! I, sure they carry them daily to school!

Original poster

TheBlindTracker · 29/10/2021 16:46

@Ifyoudontlikeitdosomethingelse

Also... Living in Thailand... Are you British? What's it like to live there? Winter is coming and I would do anything for a day on the beach in the sunshine!!

@Ifyoudontlikeitdosomethingelse You mean on holiday? Depends what you want really. If you want Thailand without the usual crowds, come now! Quarantine is being cancelled from Nov 1. Still some hoops to jump through to come but you can enjoy Phuket or Ko Samui in a way that you never will again probably. And people will be so happy to see you as businesses in the tourism industry here have suffered terribly. But if you are after night life and bars - it's not the old Thailand again yet (for better and for worse). It's definitely more sedate than it used to be.

OP posts:

Wife2b · 29/10/2021 16:53

@Blossomtoes

Just send the bloody bag.

This.

TheReluctantPhoenix · 29/10/2021 16:56

How much pocket money does she get and what does she need to buy for it?

I think that getting the amount right and making teenagers actually responsible for their spending (I.e if they overspend, they don’t get to do what they want or buy what they want , anyway) can be a really valuable tool in growing up.

Way too little doesn’t teach them anything (as no decision matters) but, equally, way too much makes decisions too easy.

If, in a poor country (at least for most of the locals) , she gets so much that taxis are effectively free, she will assume that this is just ‘normal’ for everyone.

MzHz · 29/10/2021 17:07

@Blossomtoes

Just send the bloody bag.

That was my first thought

Why be such a bitch about it? Do it and then deduct from pocket money if you really want to be petty but otherwise wtf do you gain @TheBlindTracker by not doing this?

MzHz · 29/10/2021 17:09

Seems an odd hill to die on.

Original poster

TheBlindTracker · 29/10/2021 17:31

@MzHz
It's bitchy to expect a healthy teenager to carry a light small backpack for 3 hour or so while hanging out with friends? Something I would do myself - and, indeed, have done many a time - without thinking twice about it.
I get the point it should have come out her pocket money, let her make those choices, but if that's a bitchy thing to do (she was told to take it with her and point blank refused), then I'm not sure how you cope with life!

OP posts:

Original poster

TheBlindTracker · 29/10/2021 17:40

@TheReluctantPhoenix

How much pocket money does she get and what does she need to buy for it?

Way too little doesn’t teach them anything (as no decision matters) but, equally, way too much makes decisions too easy.

If, in a poor country (at least for most of the locals) , she gets so much that taxis are effectively free, she will assume that this is just ‘normal’ for everyone.

It's a funny one because some things are crazy cheap (basically anything local) and some things are crazy expensive (basically anything imported or just for the expat/Thai HiSo market like cheese or wine)

DD gets about 10 pounds a week. Essential clothes and shoes are covered by us and phone and skytrain costs. Everything else is on her. So she is in an odd situation of affluence vis-a-vis most of the local population where this would be a crazy amount. A university graduate might pull in 50 pounds a week in a decent job! But some things will cost more than in the UK and going to hang out somewhere like Starbucks is a bit cheaper but not hugely so.

OP posts:

Ozanj · 29/10/2021 17:43

Making her pay for the bike taxi is teaching her a useful parenting lesson. Your way is just being a prick & something my abusive Mum would do because in her opinion every mistake big or small needed punishment.

GaolBhoAlba · 29/10/2021 17:47

I agree with your husband.

Ozanj · 29/10/2021 17:48

Do you live in Asia? If so she’s probably comparing what you guys do as parents to local friends. I lived in Asia for years and even 20 years ago local middle class parents wouldn’t hesitate to drop even monthly salaries on things to make their children comfortable.

TheReluctantPhoenix · 29/10/2021 17:51

@TheBlindTracker,

£10 seems about what I would give at her age, assuming that if she spends it on taxis and/or Starbucks, that is it for the week.

The expat lifestyle is a bit crazy (had a friend with teens (at the time) who lived many years in Singapore, and whom I visited several times).

So much to enjoy in expat life, but so hard to bring up grounded children. It is a tough one.

Derbee · 30/10/2021 01:37

Off the back of this thread, I did offer now to send it to DD but anyway she said she'll borrow stuff from her friend and she has a spare toothbrush so now she'd rather save her money!

@TheBlindTracker maybe she’s learnt a good lesson today, after all.

Henio · 30/10/2021 02:08

She definitely needs to learn the value of money, I wouldn't be giving her any extra at all for a while to see if she spends it more sensibly

PumpkinsandTea · 30/10/2021 02:09

@TheBlindTracker Do you mind me asking OP, what has lead you to living in Thailand? How exotic! 🏝

PumpkinsandTea · 30/10/2021 02:18

*led 🤦🏼‍♀️

ViperHalliwell · 30/10/2021 02:54

I kind of see your point. If she had the (equivalent of) £2.50 in hand then you would be unreasonable to refuse to help her by handing over the bag and money when the taxi arrived (let her arrange it). But this sounds like she doesn't have the money and needs you to lend it to her until she gets her next pocket money, which is slightly different.

At fifteen, she should have some money for an emergency whether she stretches out her pocket money or saves from birthday/Christmas/etc. cash (assuming she has no way of earning). Not spending money she doesn't have is a good lesson.

InTropicalTrumpsLand · 30/10/2021 03:20

OP, in the future, I recommend you just post whatever something costs in the local currency, else you'll get plenty of nonsensical answers not understanding why not purchase/pay for something so cheap.

For instance, I sat TOEFL last sunday. Most mumsnetters wouldn't blink at paying 215 dollars for it, but for me, it actually cost 1200 of my currency. That's actually more than the monthly minimum wage here (I'm green with envy at people who live in places with strong currencies, never at mercy of currency fluctuations).

I do agree with others that you should have sent your DD the bag. But deduct it from her next pocket change, and when DD asks for a pocket change raise, I'd bring it up: "but there was so much left over you even spent it to ship your bag across town!"

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