To not send dd her bag?

[TheBlindTracker]

DD15 was going to meet some friends and then back to another friend for a sleepover. She had a small overnight bag - change of clothes, toothbrush, makeup etc. As she was leaving, she said she didn't want to take the bag with her and could i send it by motorbike taxi to her friend in the evening (we're in a country where it's very easy and relatively cheap to do that).

However, it would still cost equivalent of 2.50 pounds. I said absolutely not. Then she said it'd come out of her pocket money. However, she has been begging for more money recently, keeps on trying to cadge extra money for various things she needs to do. So this annoyed me - it's not a huge amount of course but easily avoided if she'd have just taken the bag with her. If she has money to burn then clearly she doesn't need to ask for extra money! So I said that no, she should take it with her. She got all stroppy and insisted she would come home to get the bag with her friend when going back to her house.

Fast forwrd to this evening, she doesn't want to come home to get bag and she calls DH to ask him to send the bag as I won't do it.

This has cued a big argument with DH who thinks if she pays for it herself then it's fine, that she mustn't be without her bag, and she's learnt her lesson (somehow) whereas I think that we're raising an entitled princess and that she needs to learn her lesson by being without her bag (one night, nothing absolutely essential). I also think DH is undermining my authority here (DH was not at home when DD left so not involved in the decision) whereas he thinks I'm being dictatorial and traumatising dd who will not have her toothbrush, make up or clean underwear.

@MrsMiddleMother

Yanbu. For me what takes the piss is that she's saying take the money out of her next pocket money, not giving you the money at the time. Knowing teenagers she'll kick off that she doesn't have the full amount come next pocket money pay. Also the playing you and your dh off against each other. If he wants to send it, he can arrange it. Leave them both it

Yeah, that's a whole separate issue

Everyone saying it's only £2.50 is surely missing the point. It's not about the money is it. It's the fact that she's manipulated the situation to get her own way after OP said she either took it with her or came back to get it herself. Yes it's only £2.50 and I think you should have let her do it as long as she sorted it all herself but I'd be pissed off at the manipulation!

I hardly think paying £2.50 to make her life slightly easier is wasteful.

You're creating drama where there needn't be any. Just send her the bloody bag.

Since 3 simple bought lunches in the UK would probably set you back at least 10 pounds and a half-hour taxi ride even more, probably better to think of the comparative cost of the motorbike taxi in that way! Yeah, not a lot in UK terms but actualyl quite a lot compared to the cost of livng here.

Jesus, pick your battles, for your own sake.

I’m more concerned by the unnecessary trips being made and the emissions as a result. If we all just had our stuff ferried around by bike/car etc, because we couldn’t be arsed to carry a bag, our air quality would be even worse than it is.

I don't see this as any different than use lockers or checked luggage services. It's bizarre that you've blown this up. I've got three adult DDs.

"But OK, her money then, she can waste it."

No she can spend it on what she chooses and learn to budget by doing so. Even if her spending habits turn out to be different to yours, she still isn't wasting it. You need to watch your control issues, she's growing up and should have some autonomy.

@SprayedWithDettol

I’m more concerned by the unnecessary trips being made and the emissions as a result. If we all just had our stuff ferried around by bike/car etc, because we couldn’t be arsed to carry a bag, our air quality would be even worse than it is.

Yeah, that's also part of the wastefulness. It really wasn't a big bag.

@Ponoka7

I don't see this as any different than use lockers or checked luggage services. It's bizarre that you've blown this up. I've got three adult DDs.

"But OK, her money then, she can waste it."

No she can spend it on what she chooses and learn to budget by doing so. Even if her spending habits turn out to be different to yours, she still isn't wasting it. You need to watch your control issues, she's growing up and should have some autonomy.

Yes but she doesn't. She was begging for money, insisting she is the only one of her friends who doesn't have money to do x,y,z and that her pcoket money isn't enough. That was the annoyance.

But, fine, better response was to let her do it and then just not give her any more since clearly she enough!

"I’m more concerned by the unnecessary trips being made and the emissions as a result. If we all just had our stuff ferried around by bike/car etc, because we couldn’t be arsed to carry a bag, our air quality would be even worse than it is."

It's industrial pollution that does the most damage were the OP is, they still burn coal. The delivery service is providing a much needed income for the driver.

Honestly I'd have just sent the bag for the equivalent of £2.50 and not even bothered with taking the money out her spending money. However that is an easy thing to do if you're the one paying her money.
I don't get the big drama honestly. It's not spoilt to not want to carry a bag around all day if there options that mean you don't have to.

Love that you've come back to say you're unreasonable

Honestly I know teenagers are wasteful I was so bad

But also dragging a bag around is annoying so I don't blame her!

I think people are missing the point somewhat about the value of £2.50. It’s not a lot here, but in Thailand it’s more money than we’re imagining the equivalent here. Personally, I’d send the bag. But it would be the end of discussions about needing a bigger allowance, when she has the money to throw at inconvenient problems.

@Derbee

I think people are missing the point somewhat about the value of £2.50. It’s not a lot here, but in Thailand it’s more money than we’re imagining the equivalent here. Personally, I’d send the bag. But it would be the end of discussions about needing a bigger allowance, when she has the money to throw at inconvenient problems.

On reflection, this would have been a better approach.

Off the back of this thread, I did offer now to send it to DD but anyway she said she'll borrow stuff from her friend and she has a spare toothbrush so now she'd rather save her money!

She's 15, she'll be saying that she needs more money until she's financially independent. She should get a budget then if she isn't happy on what she's spent it on, she'll have to reconsider her spending.

Gosh I'm on your side OP. It's the way she played you and DH off against each other. She said she would come back for it but now can't be bothered... it is definitely entitled behaviour.

You need some actual problems if you’re pissing about over £2.50.

Just send the bag.

@TheBlindTracker

Since 3 simple bought lunches in the UK would probably set you back at least 10 pounds and a half-hour taxi ride even more, probably better to think of the comparative cost of the motorbike taxi in that way! Yeah, not a lot in UK terms but actualyl quite a lot compared to the cost of livng here.

I was going to ask if that's £2.50 or equivalent money but actually not equivalent in value iyswim?

I would just send the bag and next time she asks for more money say "you don't need more money. You have enough to pay someone to transport your bags around. You're clearly doing ok!"

£2.50 sounds like nothing so I wouldn't have any issue with sending the bag, however you say it's a lot there so maybe I would think differently in that case

Teenagers are annoying and sometimes what they do annoys out of all proportion.
When dd2 was 14 I found out why we went through so many eggs. If she fried an egg and the yolk broke, she threw it away and started again. That pressed buttons I never knew I had!

I think if she'd have forgotten it by accident or it had been a spontaneous sleepover, no problem, would have sent it. And of course if it had been a bigger bag then fine.

But it really was a small bag and it just seems really precious not to take it with you for just a few hours.

Anyway drama and teen button pushing over now. Thanks for the other perspectives even if it a bit blunt :)

If she knew that she didn't want to take the bag she should have organised it herself & left the money with you.

She wants to make her life easy but expects others to organise it!

In my family we are a team and help each other out as and when needed. It doesnt make kids selfish , they learn what they live and grow up helpful, cooperative ,people

@Prettybubblesintheair

Just send the bloody bag! Having clean underwear and a toothbrush is hardly raising a princess is it? One might argue basic cleanliness is a human right. You’re being ridiculous, this isn’t a hill to die on.

My thoughts exactly!

I would hate too have t go to bed (and worse - get up!) with furry teeth. Similarly clean knickers!

@TheBlindTracker

Since 3 simple bought lunches in the UK would probably set you back at least 10 pounds and a half-hour taxi ride even more, probably better to think of the comparative cost of the motorbike taxi in that way! Yeah, not a lot in UK terms but actualyl quite a lot compared to the cost of livng here.

I was in the "just send the bag" camp. But I suppose it's relevant whether £2.50 is a lot to you, i.e. if you are on the average local salary it might be. If you're on a decent income, I stick to just send it.