Page 7 | EX H asked DC to Christmas before I did

Time4change2018 · 2021-10-29T12:01:52+00:00

ExH & GF have 'got in first' & asked our 2 adult DC for Christmas dinner. I didn't ask or mention it yet possibly assuming they'd be with me. We split a number of years ago but family only sold this year. Until now plus covid Christmas was with me in family home - wake as family, breakfast etc then go to my family for big dinner, boxing day football usually either at match or my family watching on TV. ExH has said to both he'd like to see them on Christmas Day & have dinner with them - he said now both parents in new homes it's time for some new traditions maybe including their gf/bf if they want. DC thinks it's a reasonable idea but I think are wanting my blessing, they don't mind GF, her house is close enough to go over after breakfast. Ex also pointed out I have a big family I see each Christmas & he doesn't. He would be with GF family if not seeing DC & appears to get along very well. I'm sad because I really want my Christmas as normal with DC around all day. If I say I'd really want as normal I think they'll say to to him - but AIBU given he's asked etc Help me feel more generous of spirit DC early 20's 1 in uni other working away from home town - I don't know how many more Christmases I'll get just us before they move, travel, have family etc

AveryGoodlay · 29/10/2021 17:01

DC GF went to his before and his GF did the best Mexican, her own salsa etc and was just so welcoming - that's my job or EXH job not hers. She's made herself aware or what DC will / won't eat & makes 'great' restaurant & travel suggestions because having no children she's done it all. Youngest wants to travel next year - she's offered with EXH to help plan it with her DB who has been where they want to go & pay his travel insurance. It's like I'm good for the boring stuff but she has great ideas !
She sounds lovely! I don't understand your issue with her. Why can't she make food for adults who are in her home? Not a great hill for you to die on in my opinion!

Your children are adults. They can make their own decisions. It's weird to be jealous of their dad's girlfriend for being helpful!

PyongyangKipperbang · 29/10/2021 17:02

I agree that it really doesnt sound as if the marriage ended (at least for the OP) that long ago.

Taking out the ages of the kids and the "years ago" and you would think that this was the OW who just popped up 6 months ago and he moved straight in with her.

Its not a healthy dynamic OP, perhaps some relationship counselling would help you deal with your feeelings?

Jumpingintochristmas · 29/10/2021 17:07

@Time4change2018

I don't disapprove but they do that with their friends and happily drink soft drinks here. But of course happily drink Rum or cider if their Dad buys it in. DC GF went to his before and his GF did the best Mexican, her own salsa etc and was just so welcoming - that's my job or EXH job not hers. She's made herself aware or what DC will / won't eat & makes 'great' restaurant & travel suggestions because having no children she's done it all. Youngest wants to travel next year - she's offered with EXH to help plan it with her DB who has been where they want to go & pay his travel insurance. It's like I'm good for the boring stuff but she has great ideas !

You are jealous of the changing family dynamics but unfortunately if you don’t get this under control soon you will run the risk of being viewed as bitter and twisted.

Your DC are in their early 20’s, I have young adults DC’s too snd ensure we go to gigs together, the theatre, out for meals, a cocktail etc. I want to be a part of their wider lives moving forward. You can’t resent your EX and his GF for doing this, you too have the opportunity.

Three weeks is a lot of time off over Christmas, why not arrange a family gathering at your on Boxing Day? A trip into the nearest city shopping/lunch and a glass of festive cheer etc?

grapewine · 29/10/2021 17:14

They're adults, and he's their father. He asked, and they accepted. Your mistake was to assume that they'd spend the day with you. You could have asked them as well. YABU.

DC GF went to his before and his GF did the best Mexican, her own salsa etc and was just so welcoming - that's my job or EXH job not hers. She's made herself aware or what DC will / won't eat & makes 'great' restaurant & travel suggestions because having no children she's done it all. Youngest wants to travel next year - she's offered with EXH to help plan it with her DB who has been where they want to go & pay his travel insurance. It's like I'm good for the boring stuff but she has great ideas

You need to let go of this resentment. It'll eat you up. There is nothing wrong with what she's doing.

Crankley · 29/10/2021 17:21

YABU, DCs spending Christmas with your Ex sounds like its way overdue and if I had the choice between soft drinks/takeaways and a bottle of my favourite alcohol, I would be off like a shot too.

Can't make any sense of your last post about the GF and Mexican food and it being 'your job'. But she sounds welcoming and lovely.

jamandmarmalade · 29/10/2021 17:30

You will ALWAYS be their mother

Try and doing and build new interests. You will make new friends might even meet someone.

Mainly though this will be a healthier and happier use of your time and good stuff to talk about with your children when you do see them

Even if you had stayed married OP, your children would have left eventually.

SlugRose · 29/10/2021 17:31

DC GF went to his before and his GF did the best Mexican, her own salsa etc and was just so welcoming - that's my job or EXH job not hers. She's made herself aware or what DC will / won't eat & makes 'great' restaurant & travel suggestions because having no children she's done it all

Would you rather she ignored them and wanted nothing to do with them?! She's finding her way with them and it sounds like they get on. She will not be their mum and making Mexican is not suddenly taking away anything from you or your DH.

jamandmarmalade · 29/10/2021 17:32

p.s break ups are hard enough especially on children don't make it worse.

Use this new chapter to shine. You may surprise yourself!

Sayitaintsoiwillnotgo · 29/10/2021 17:33

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/divorce_separation/3366283-Divorce-advice-DC-at-uni-long-marriage?pg=1

I've put the link to your other thread. Your poor ex has put his life on hold for long enough through your behaviour. Your poor DC. You come across as a very jealous and bitter woman on both these threads. Let it go before you become a very lonely old person.

anon12345678901 · 29/10/2021 17:41

@Sayitaintsoiwillnotgo

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/divorce_separation/3366283-Divorce-advice-DC-at-uni-long-marriage?pg=1

I've put the link to your other thread. Your poor ex has put his life on hold for long enough through your behaviour. Your poor DC. You come across as a very jealous and bitter woman on both these threads. Let it go before you become a very lonely old person.

This. And before you push your children away. They aren't young anymore, they'll see your behaviour.

authenticforgery · 29/10/2021 17:42

It sounds like you have a lot to work through. I would advise caution around your children here, even if they are adults. My husband no longer has a relationship with his mother due to her behaviour during and after divorce.

Practicebeingpatient · 29/10/2021 17:45

YABU.

Even if you and your ex were still together at some point your D.C. will probably not be spending Christmas with you. It's sad but at some point they will want to do their own thing or will need to visit their partners family. I'm dreading it but when it happens I'll plaster on a smile and wish them well.

As others have said, it's time for some new traditions - maybe invite friends over on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day so you have something to organise and distract you?

Christabellaxx · 29/10/2021 17:45

It’s really hard to let go of your own Christmas traditions , but I think if you give them your blessing , you will stop Christmas in the future becoming just a very stressful time for both of your children , and ultimately be happier yourself because you’d be doing the right thing . I know it’s hurtful , I am dreading the day when my youngest says he wants to spend Christmas with his girlfriend but honestly I am determined to be happy for his sake …..

Stickyblue1987 · 29/10/2021 17:45

Op your latest posts make you sound very jealous. You're trying to pick holes with GF when it sounds like she's been welcoming. You also seem frightened that they're having more fun at their house then yours. Maybe try something new at yours- you seem to be very driven by what you've always done.

bluebeck · 29/10/2021 17:49

Fucking hell, having read your previous thread, I feel incredibly sorry for your XH.

TicTacHoh · 29/10/2021 17:51

The thing is, Christmas at yours does sound dull; soft drinks, sitting round your relatives, takeaways and football on tv. They’ll always love you as they are your kids, but adult DC don’t celebrate Christmases and other celebrations as if they were still 5 years old with Mommy Dearest sitting with all her brood sat round her.

MrsDoctorDear · 29/10/2021 17:52

My adult DD has a fantastic relationship with her dad's wife. I am thrilled about it. All you ever want is for your kids to be loved, and the more people that love them the better.

Don't piss on their chips OP. Let them have a guilt-free relationship with her.

myrtleWilson · 29/10/2021 17:55

Crikey OP - this has been going on for years (separation/divorce) - you admitted on your divorce head that you buried your head in the sand (refusing to see a solicitor for example), sniping at the Ex's partner's culinary skills... You need to snap out of this mindset of woe is me - it will drive your DC away.

myrtleWilson · 29/10/2021 17:56

divorce thread not divorce head...

JudgeRindersMinder · 29/10/2021 18:10

@Time4change2018

Ok for context marriage ended years ago, I probably was the first to say so but was happy staying living together- he moved out though & found GF later that year. Divorce took some time - probably longer than it should but settlement sorted this summer. He's a fair Dad and does try to keep contact with DC but I think they are struggling to adapt to telling each parent things in their lives where before they'd tell one & the other would find out. I think his GF is the instigator in this, she's got a big extended family & has said before she finds it sad that DC aren't over more or as involved. They have offered a room for DC and beds but I don't think they are ready for that yet. ExH never used to drink, was always a driver since we married - now they go out, have a bar in their house, hold dinner parties, have a different view on drinking with DC to me I suppose. He gets their favourite bottle in whereas I don't buy it in & they just have soft drinks / takeaways at mine mostly. I suppose I'll just let things pan out and see what happens. I'm off for 3 weeks over Christmas so it'll feel like a long time if they are at his and off with their friends ,/ GF / BF houses.

If your house is as joyless as it sounds I’d be running to my dad’s too

Lovemusic33 · 29/10/2021 18:17

I think you need to realise that they are adults, you talk about them like they are children.
When I was 18 I didn’t really want to spend the whole of Christmas with my parents and wanted to spend it with friends, Christmas Day was a bore, doing the same old things and being stuck with family all day.

They are no longer children, you no longer get a say in where they go for Christmas (or any other day for that matter). It’s time to let go a bit?

LittleMysSister · 29/10/2021 18:21

Sorry OP, I think your ex has the right to spend Christmas with them too.

Maybe you can start alternating?

CreamFirstThenJamOnTop · 29/10/2021 18:22

Oh dear op, I know it hurts but you have to let go and accept that they are adults now. You’re thinking about them as though they’re still children.

The days of having Christmas as you know it have gone. You need to find a way to manage this without making your children feel guilty.

If you can’t move on then you will push your children away.

LittleMysSister · 29/10/2021 18:27

@Time4change2018

I don't disapprove but they do that with their friends and happily drink soft drinks here. But of course happily drink Rum or cider if their Dad buys it in. DC GF went to his before and his GF did the best Mexican, her own salsa etc and was just so welcoming - that's my job or EXH job not hers. She's made herself aware or what DC will / won't eat & makes 'great' restaurant & travel suggestions because having no children she's done it all. Youngest wants to travel next year - she's offered with EXH to help plan it with her DB who has been where they want to go & pay his travel insurance. It's like I'm good for the boring stuff but she has great ideas !

Arghh OP, this comment is cringe. Of course your ex's GF is allowed to be welcoming and make bloody dinner for your kids!

You said your split happened years ago, you need to try and get out of this mindset. It's good that she's nice to your kids, she could easily not want them around and not make them welcome. Please try and think of it this way as your children will pick up on you feeling this way and it might make things awkward for them, and I hope you don't want that.

jamandmarmalade · 29/10/2021 18:33

@Sayitaintsoiwillnotgo

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/divorce_separation/3366283-Divorce-advice-DC-at-uni-long-marriage?pg=1

I've put the link to your other thread. Your poor ex has put his life on hold for long enough through your behaviour. Your poor DC. You come across as a very jealous and bitter woman on both these threads. Let it go before you become a very lonely old person.

Thank you for this @Sayitaintsoiwillnotgo yes i wish OP had linked the divorce thread to this current one before i read/commented on this one...

blimey.........