To think monogamy is a bit unnatural??

[Glassofshloer]

A few years ago I had a conversation with a friend about cheating which popped into my head reading some of the ‘OW/husband cheated’ threads on here.

She said she and her DP had mutually agreed that they could sleep with other people if they wanted to, provided they used a condom and didn’t tell the other one. I don’t think she meant a proper affair, just ONS type encounters.

Reading a lot of the infidelity threads on here, AIBU to think the rigid norms of monogamy are ridiculous and maybe my friend has it right?

I know most people will say ‘if you can’t stay faithful don’t have a LTR’ but I don’t think that’s quite fair given society makes it basically impossible to settle down and have a family without one. And very few people would commit to somebody who wants an open marriage.

Basically what I’m saying is are we trying to fight our instincts when it comes to monogamy, and is it worth it given so many people seem to cheat anyway? Are we all holding ourselves to impossible standards?

Very prepared to be flamed & I expect I will be!

Depends on the person/situation. Plenty of people can do monogamy, plenty more can't.

I have not the slightest bit of desire to cheat or have an open relationship. I think some people would rather have a loving long term partner and some people would rather have different people to be with. But I wouldn't say it's impossible as many people are together forever.

Open marriages/LTRs rarely work out. One partner usually wants it more than the other.

Nothing about modern life is truly 'natural' though.

We’re living longer than we’ve ever done but it’s not unreasonable to say that if you can’t commit to one person and as you say very few people would commit to somebody who wants an open marriage then don’t get married or suggest you’re planning to stay faithful.

It’s perfectly acceptable to stay single, to have children without being in a committed relationship. It’s not okay to pretend your partner is enough, cheat on them then shrug and say it was unrealistic to say you wouldn’t.

If you want to shag around go for it but not behind the back of the person you’ve committed to. Especially not if you’ve bothered to get married and made your commitment to them and them alone. That’s gutless.

Monogamy can be a challenge but it generally works out better for both parties than an open relationship which 9 out of 10 times seems to be one of the couple going along with it in order to stop their partner leaving.

Your friend's set-up (secret but safe hook ups) may work for them. But I could see it leading to a lot of paranoia. 'Have they slept with someone?' 'are they planning to sleep with someone?' 'are they fantasising about that person they fucked?' 'have they fallen for them?'.

Being single and doing as you please is underrated by society.

I have been married for over 20 years and never wanted to sleep with anyone else during that time.

I did have boyfriends prior to getting married so I know he was definitely the best one for me.

Hopefully he feels the same

And some species do mate for life, so monogamy can’t be said to be entirely unnatural either.

Some people can do monogamy, some people can’t. The problem isn’t with monogamy, it’s when a monogamous person is with a non-monogamous person. The problem is not respecting the boundaries of the relationship.

In your friend’s relationship, there is still the potential to cheat, to go beyond the agreed boundaries of the relationship. They’ve agreed ONS and no relationships. If one of them develops a relationship, even a short one, then those boundaries have been broken in the same way as they would be for monogamous couples.

It’s perfectly acceptable to stay single, to have children without being in a committed relationship.

I don’t think it is though.

Would you family honestly react with delight if you announced you were going to have children via a sperm donor as you don’t feel you could stay monogamous in a relationship? Like they would if you announced you were expecting after marriage?

‘And didn’t tell the other one’ - that’s the bit I’d have trouble with. I’d also dislike to think my husband/partner had sought physical comfort from someone else.

But people are different, a different pair of personalities would view this very differently.

As long as both are equally happy with it, and not just going along with it because they feel the pressure to, then it’s fine.

Everyone is different, I think as a society we should be more open minded about different types of relationships as different things will work for different people at different times in their lives. I would be concerned with children involved about too many people coming in and out of their lives but parents can be sensible and sensitive about it. I think I am too insecure to be in an open relationship but I also think insecurity can be the driving force in people cheating. It takes some time for people to have the self awareness about what they want from a relationship, you have to find what's right for you but preferably without hurting anyone along the way.

I think monogamy is natural and normal, but I also think its natural and normal to not be completely monogamous either. The insistence on mongamy is just cultural. I think some people just need to admit they cant manage it and should both stop torturing themselves but also not be a hypocrite about it and insist on their partner being monogamous when they arent. I know of an older married couple in dps family who are (as far as i know) happily married but both have affairs which the other turns a blind eye to, and tbh, i think I have some respect for that

I think this is one of the greatest challenges in life: fundamentally OP you are right: life long monogamy is pretty unnatural and I think for most people staying with the same person for 60 + years is pretty limiting and depressing.

I always cringe a bit when people talk about older relatives who have spent decades together and think of all the opportunities missed and all the ways they have been held back. Many people think this is a positive thing: I find it depressing.

But the converse is that open marriage and LTRs usually don’t work. There are exceptions but generally jealousy and resentment gets the better of someone.

My personal view is that it’s a trade off and most people - as they get older - get the desire for freedom out of their system and eventually compromise on finding someone they can rub along with.

This is why in my view settling down early is usually a terrible idea. People change so much in the first few decades of adulthood. The chances that you are going to have the same aspirations and needs at 45 that you did at 20 are pretty remote. Particularly for educated people and those who want to broaden their horizons.

So to answer your question, yes and no and it depends what stage of life you are at.

I don’t see why parents wouldn’t be happy for your choice. My parents are quite comfortable with my being in a committed and long term relationship with someone I choose not to ever live with. I have a DD who lives with my. DP is not her dad but they get along ok. It’s really the norm but it suits us.

Well, we are animals and most don't mate for life so you're right when you say it's not 'natural' as in animals just fuck out of instinct and have a variety of set ups.

Some animals mate for life though. Swans is the obvious one but there are others.

It's also common in nature for males to kill babies so the mother will mate with them and their genes will pass on so I don't think we want to be so keen on doing it like animals.

Monogomy is about more than the instinct to fuck. It's about the instinct to survive. There's logic in building a unit that benefits all members. It's self interest really. Jointly gather resources and improve your chances of survival. Pair bonding is an important part of that.

Have you ever read 'The Ethical Slut'?
It's a fascinating read.
I think you've raised an interesting question @Glassofshloer

@Peace43

I don’t see why parents wouldn’t be happy for your choice. My parents are quite comfortable with my being in a committed and long term relationship with someone I choose not to ever live with. I have a DD who lives with my. DP is not her dad but they get along ok. It’s really the norm but it suits us.

That’s not exactly unconventional though, that you’re separated with a new partner but you don’t live together. Certainly not as ‘surprising’ as using a donor.

I've recently come out of an active polyamorous relationship with a primary partner which lasted for 12 solid years (and we're still friends!). I'm now in another active primary polyam relationship which has lasted three and a half years and counting.

I'm very happy to see that MN is becoming a bit more open minded and seems to be less and less inclined to call me "deluded" or "a try-hard, man-pleasing Cool Wifey", but it still does happen.

I agree that "cheating" can very much happen between people in a polyam couple, wherever dishonesty and concealment is involved.

I'm also not blind to the fact that a lot of other negative behaviour works its way into the poly world too - unequal expectations, abusive partners claiming to "negotiate" boundaries but actually just using nice words to call all the shots, creeps worming their way into the community for all the wrong reasons, and "kingpins" joylessly amassing too many partners as a status symbol... I've seen it all, but luckily I've got my head screwed on after years on the scene.

Generally you're less likely to hear about successful poly setups because, well, we're boring!

Thanks @MrsBucketsPony I will pop it on my kindle list.

I just see all the heartbreak caused by cheating and affairs and wonder if society is to blame for teaching us the only acceptable relationship is a lifelong monogamous one.

Perhaps if people could be more open about their nature and desires, there wouldn’t be so much heartbreak a little later down the line.

Monogamy is natural for me. I believe in monogamy for my marriage and would not accept an open relationship in any way shape or form.

I have no desire to cheat on my husband and I don’t think any man would be worth ruining my marriage over.

I’m also fine for people who want to be non monogamous. I won’t try to convince you of my way as long as you don’t insist I try it yours. We can all do as we like if it makes us happy.

You make an interesting point. Not sure about your friend's situation. If the sex in a ONS was amazing inevitably you would start seeing that person regularly and feelings could very easily develop.

When my marriage broke down my mum surprised me and said.. 'well I think it's unrealistic to just have one life partner. It's a shame it can't be more normal to check in with each other after x amount of years (15?) and see if they both still wanted to be together, and it was accepted that some will and some won't as a societal norm' - I see what she meant. I mean ideally everyone would want to stay together but if not then you both have the chance to find happiness again. Divorce is still seen as such a negative thing. Then there could be room for 2 or maybe 3 long term relationships in your life time.

I don't think human beings are meant to be together forever. Marriage is an institution,a construct of society.

I find those who want to shag around after becoming married and having kids are the ones who didn't do it when they were younger and somehow get it into their head that they've missed out on it. Usually idealising the idea of course.

I shagged around loads in my 20s. Had loads of mind blowing sex. Met DH, had loads of amazing sex with him too. Now married with 2 DC and we do it one a month if we're lucky.

My take on that is, so what? There's more to life than shagging. I think it's the mark of a mature and responsible adult to realise that. It's just not currently fashionable

Not everything natural is good. Dying young of dysentery is also quite natural.