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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think monogamy is a bit unnatural??

151 replies

Glassofshloer · 29/10/2021 11:32

A few years ago I had a conversation with a friend about cheating which popped into my head reading some of the ‘OW/husband cheated’ threads on here.

She said she and her DP had mutually agreed that they could sleep with other people if they wanted to, provided they used a condom and didn’t tell the other one. I don’t think she meant a proper affair, just ONS type encounters.

Reading a lot of the infidelity threads on here, AIBU to think the rigid norms of monogamy are ridiculous and maybe my friend has it right?

I know most people will say ‘if you can’t stay faithful don’t have a LTR’ but I don’t think that’s quite fair given society makes it basically impossible to settle down and have a family without one. And very few people would commit to somebody who wants an open marriage.

Basically what I’m saying is are we trying to fight our instincts when it comes to monogamy, and is it worth it given so many people seem to cheat anyway? Are we all holding ourselves to impossible standards?

Very prepared to be flamed & I expect I will be!

OP posts:
Strangevipers · 29/10/2021 13:04

Monogamy sets us apart from most animals

Original poster
Glassofshloer · 29/10/2021 13:06

@vikalpa no judgement; does your DH know about DP? How did that work if I can ask?

OP posts:
Original poster
Glassofshloer · 29/10/2021 13:07

@Strangevipers

Monogamy sets us apart from most animals
And yet we start wars and destroy the planet! Sexual frustration maybe? Grin
OP posts:
StrychnineInTheSandwiches · 29/10/2021 13:09

@vikalpa

I think it's an interesting debate that you've started and I'm pleased and surprised to read the positive comments that you've received. I was flamed on here a few weeks ago* for admitting that I had a DP (as well as a DH) under the circumstances that my DH and I no longer have sex - as a woman who massively enjoys sex but also dearly loves her husband, I was basically informed that I should bin DH because what I was doing was reprehensible. I love my DH, we have a great relationship but no sex - apparently this is not enough. Well, newsflash, it is for us. With a big BUT... I need a partner to have sex with and that's what I have. (*name changed for this post)
I'm assuming your DH no longer wants to have sex?

If I decided I never wanted to have sex again that's my choice but I think it would be massively unfair of me to expect my partner to accept celibacy being enforced upon him. So I'd either accept that he could seek sex elsewhere or that he could leave the relationship entirely.

One partner deciding that sex will no longer be a feature of a relationship is the other side of the cheating coin.

So no flaming from me.

1300cakes · 29/10/2021 13:09

I suppose the most "natural" way to be, in terms of what the very first homo sapiens did 200 000 years ago, is staying with a partner 18 months to 3 years, having a baby with them in this time, then moving on. Now nothing wrong with this if it's your choice. But that lifestyle probably wouldn't suit most of us these days, so there's not much point looking back to it for guidence. Look forward, if monogamy isn't for you we now have many examples of alternatives.

TractorAndHeadphones · 29/10/2021 13:09

Given that the entire purpose of fucking is to reproduce - and humans don’t reproduce like rabbits I’d say that life is unnatural to begin with and monogamy is an extension of that.

Marriage/relationships are more about duty and stability.

TractorAndHeadphones · 29/10/2021 13:10

Also naturally women were just expected to give birth.
Maybe monogamy isn’t natural and as long as 2 people consent it’s fine.

ScottishNewbie · 29/10/2021 13:10

It's interesting. I think emotional affairs are far more likely to break up a relationship than sexual. You do need to put limits on yourself because when you start developing feelings for another person you inevitable start picturing your life with them and the lines get very blurred. Some people have the ability to have true meaningless sex or even proper friends with benefits sex...some people form bonds quickly. This would very much inject my decision as to whether I was comfortable being in an open relationship. You really have to know your partner.

Your husband sounds like a lovely friend! And because he wasn't intimate with this female friend you were able to take everything she said at face value and as a wonderful insight into who he is as a man

TreeSmuggler · 29/10/2021 13:12

Monogamy sets us apart from most animals

Not really, some animals and birds are much more monogamous than us, some aren't at all, and some are in the middle like us. It's just an evolutionary thing, not a higher moral plane.

Original poster
Glassofshloer · 29/10/2021 13:14

the most "natural" way to be, in terms of what the very first homo sapiens did 200 000 years ago, is staying with a partner 18 months to 3 years, having a baby with them in this time, then moving on. Now nothing wrong with this if it's your choice

Ooooooh I think you’ll find 99% of Mn will disagree with that quite strongly 😉

OP posts:
Slipperfairy · 29/10/2021 13:15

Doesn't monogamy suit women more than men, from a survival point?

You get to have children and have a man around to help fight off cave bears while they're little and noisy. He will also defend the children, as they resemble him. Which would explain why there are so many fraught dh/ dss issues.

Then maybe the need for monogamy wears off when the kids are older and don't need so much help.

But then, surely monogamy also limits the spread of the gene pool.

I'm also not really sure I believe in romantic love. I think it's something we tell ourselves, so that we justify our choices and that elevates us above animals. How often is 'but I love him!' Actually short hand for:"I'm very fond of him and we've built a life together and I don't want to be alone/ let someone else have him"? And based on the fairy stories we grow up with, where we're not supposed to be alone.

I wonder whether we'd be so desperate for monogamy if we lived in small tribes where everyone looked after kids together and you always had someone around for company or sex. Which is I suppose what free love was meant to be about... and look how THAT turned out.

dreamingbohemian · 29/10/2021 13:16

@Glassofshloer

Thanks *@MrsBucketsPony* I will pop it on my kindle list.

I just see all the heartbreak caused by cheating and affairs and wonder if society is to blame for teaching us the only acceptable relationship is a lifelong monogamous one.

Perhaps if people could be more open about their nature and desires, there wouldn’t be so much heartbreak a little later down the line.

I think it's a copout to blame society for cheating

If people are not satisfied in their marriages, they can leave. To stay and cheat is just a sign of selfishness.

I'm not conservative about sex at all, I think people should have whatever arrangements they like, but I don't think people should lie or cheat in their relationships

Slipperfairy · 29/10/2021 13:16

Took me that long to write, that I x posted!

vikalpa · 29/10/2021 13:17

@Glassofshloer we have a don't ask / don't tell policy
he doesn't ask me any questions that he would not like to hear the answer to and in return I don't talk about DP.

I have been told many times over the years that I need to go do the things I need to do, and to just not tell him.

My conscience is clear, my marriage is good, and my sex life is great, my ducks are in a row.

@StrychnineInTheSandwiches yes DH no longer has an interest in sex

gamerchick · 29/10/2021 13:24

@Glassofshloer

It’s perfectly acceptable to stay single, to have children without being in a committed relationship.

I don’t think it is though.

Would you family honestly react with delight if you announced you were going to have children via a sperm donor as you don’t feel you could stay monogamous in a relationship? Like they would if you announced you were expecting after marriage?

Who cares what your family thinks?

I'm all for people agreeing to whatever in their marriage but staying single and doing what you want is probably the best way of sampling different dudes.

LuliaMariella · 29/10/2021 13:27

Given that basically every society in the world upholds some form of life-long marriage, I would say that monogamy is "natural" in the sense that it is universally recognised as a good thing.

Of course, humans are selfish and corrupt, so bad things feel natural to us. That doesn't mean they are good.

Grida · 29/10/2021 13:31

Polyandry is practised in some countries.

Original poster
Glassofshloer · 29/10/2021 13:31

Just out of interest, did anyone see that episode of call the midwife where the woman with the bullying husband had a ONS and had a baby from it? And the husband found out because the baby was mixed race? If so, would you say she was selfish and weak?

Not saying most cheating scenarios are anything like this, but is it so black and white?

OP posts:
BadNomad · 29/10/2021 13:37

I have never felt the urge to cheat on a partner. But I've also never had a problem moving on from a relationship that doesn't fulfil me. People who cheat don't do it because it's "natural". It's often because they want to keep aspects of the first relationship but still want the other bits from the other relationship(s). Then there's marriage. That's probably the unnatural part. It's a contract which "forces" people to feel like they have to stay together longer than they would if they weren't married. And people change. Your perfect partner today might not be your perfect partner tomorrow.

grey12 · 29/10/2021 13:40

You are contradicting yourself Grin you say monogamy is unnatural but that people want a monogamous family. Get that?

I most definitely do NOT want an open relationship Confused

Rugsofhonour · 29/10/2021 13:45

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

Original poster
Glassofshloer · 29/10/2021 13:46

@grey12

You are contradicting yourself Grin you say monogamy is unnatural but that people want a monogamous family. Get that?

I most definitely do NOT want an open relationship Confused

That isn’t a contradiction.

I don’t think monogamy is natural for all - I think religion and a conservative society formed it as the ‘ideal’ to stop venereal disease, love children etc. And we kept it. I think society has shaped our views in this area, as it does with everything.

And don’t worry - I BELIEVE you Smile

OP posts:
Strangevipers · 29/10/2021 13:48

@Glassofshloer

"And yet we start wars and destroy the planet! Sexual frustration maybe? "

Greed

Original poster
Glassofshloer · 29/10/2021 13:48

[quote Strangevipers]@Glassofshloer

"And yet we start wars and destroy the planet! Sexual frustration maybe? "

Greed [/quote]
I was joking, clearly.

OP posts:
Strangevipers · 29/10/2021 13:48

@TreeSmuggler

Monogamy sets us apart from most animals

Not really, some animals and birds are much more monogamous than us, some aren't at all, and some are in the middle like us. It's just an evolutionary thing, not a higher moral plane.

You know exactly what I meant
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