To think monogamy is a bit unnatural??

[Glassofshloer]

A few years ago I had a conversation with a friend about cheating which popped into my head reading some of the ‘OW/husband cheated’ threads on here.

She said she and her DP had mutually agreed that they could sleep with other people if they wanted to, provided they used a condom and didn’t tell the other one. I don’t think she meant a proper affair, just ONS type encounters.

Reading a lot of the infidelity threads on here, AIBU to think the rigid norms of monogamy are ridiculous and maybe my friend has it right?

I know most people will say ‘if you can’t stay faithful don’t have a LTR’ but I don’t think that’s quite fair given society makes it basically impossible to settle down and have a family without one. And very few people would commit to somebody who wants an open marriage.

Basically what I’m saying is are we trying to fight our instincts when it comes to monogamy, and is it worth it given so many people seem to cheat anyway? Are we all holding ourselves to impossible standards?

Very prepared to be flamed & I expect I will be!

“ I know most people will say ‘if you can’t stay faithful don’t have a LTR’ but I don’t think that’s quite fair given society makes it basically impossible to settle down and have a family without one.”

Completely agree.

There's more to life than shagging.

Maybe for you!

Of course but you could say ‘there’s more to life than..’ about anything. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t matter.

How interesting, @InPraiseOfBacchus - I agree Mn is very conservative when it comes to sex & relationships. I understand it on a level but then all that is left is something so constrained and prescriptive, it just seems a shame.

I don't think monogamy is natural. Emotional monogamy is far more natural and makes sense in a committed unit situation. Sex can be just sex as long as rules and boundaries are adhered to. But everyone has different opinions!

You make an interesting point. Not sure about your friend's situation. If the sex in a ONS was amazing inevitably you would start seeing that person regularly and feelings could very easily develop.

Yes it seems if a woman has amazing sex with someone she’s more likely to want to repeat the experience and it could turn into a FWB situation which the other partner might not be as happy about/find more threatening than lots of one night stands.

I definitely think marriage is over-idealised. So many people in awful or just plain unsatisfying marriages. But as with so many things it seems to come down to economics, people just cannot afford to leave, or cannot see beyond living their life beyond the suburban norm.

I don't think an open relationship would be for me but imagine it's probably more common than we know.

I agree Mn is very conservative when it comes to sex & relationships

I tend to agree with this. On MN sex is often seen as something done to women rather than something they actively participate in. Or something that you can look forward not having to do anymore once you're past 50.

Having had a Husband who serially cheated on me and knowing how devestated i was by what he did to me and the not being able to trust him, the emotional fallout of thinking what is he doing every time he walked out the door and now with a partner i can trust one hundred percent theres no way i would go back to a non monogamus relationship give me monogamy any day

@ScottishNewbie

I don't think monogamy is natural. Emotional monogamy is far more natural and makes sense in a committed unit situation. Sex can be just sex as long as rules and boundaries are adhered to. But everyone has different opinions!

That’s another thing. I didn’t even realise there was such a thing as an ‘emotional affair’ until I started reading threads on Mn! So you can have an affair without even hugging the other person apparently, and should limit your (completely non physical) relationships with others in case they become too meaningful to you.

I mean, am I the only person who sees that as quite controlling and frankly ridiculous?! My Oh has a couple of very very good female friends who are both married. I found the most wonderful letter one of them sent him before he met me - he was moving across the country from where they both lived. She said what a lovely friend he is to her and how much he has to offer somebody in future. It was the most incredible character reference, and not a bit of me saw it as an ‘emotional affair’ - they’re still friends now & I’m glad they have had each other’s support over the years.

@StrychnineInTheSandwiches

I agree Mn is very conservative when it comes to sex & relationships

I tend to agree with this. On MN sex is often seen as something done to women rather than something they actively participate in. Or something that you can look forward not having to do anymore once you're past 50.

I wonder how many women don’t actually want sex past 50, and how many are just bored having had sex with the same person for 20+ years that they tell themselves they don’t want it full stop, it’s their hormones etc.

If you want to cheat then you are obviously with the wrong partner. What a stupid idea.

@PheasantsNest

If you want to cheat then you are obviously with the wrong partner. What a stupid idea.

You don’t do nuanced thinking and haven’t read the thread, have you?

i think it depends what suits the individuals involved. For me it would be (was) monogamy or nothing. Fortunately my late husband had the same views.

I also think that "oh its not my fault, people aren't meant to be monogamous" is used as an excuse for infidelity

I think UK society is relatively pretty liberal if you don't want to commit to one person. It's hardly the Middle East.

But why do you need to generalise that it'd be better for everyone just because a few people get cheated on? The vast majority of people I know don't want their spouse shagging around and have no desire to shag around themselves. That's completely ok.

It seems a bit victim blaming to suggest that the hurt caused by a minority of arseholes who made a promise and broke it, is the fault of unrealistic expectations.

I shagged around in my early 20s and get great happiness and contentment in being a happy committed marriage now. My children are growing up in a stable home with 2 loving parents who are committed to the unit. There's nothing wrong with having casual sex - but dont make a promise and break it. No one is forcing anyone to get married.

But why do you need to generalise that it'd be better for everyone just because a few people get cheated on?

Never said that.

I think monogamy is a huge challenge, but it is the best blueprint we have for giving children a stable background to be brought up in. That is one of the reasons people strive to achieve this.

The basic problem is that we change as we grow older. I am not the same person as I was when I married several decades ago at the age of 21. I have matured, have more understanding of the world, have got past that first flush of being in love etc.

What matters is not the set up. That's individual choice. What matters is that it is choice. There must be total honesty and genuine agreement.
Cheating is about lies and betrayal. That's not ever ok.

Reading the responses maybe I’m just a tart who shouldn’t judge everyone by my standards! Haha.

The problem is life is always there to throw a spanner in the works.

I know someone who had an open relationship and they’d been together for years and it suited them both, seemed happy, but one condom fail led to a baby which the other woman kept, it broke the marriage down as they had kids and she couldn’t get past it and it seemed pretty toxic, he also doesn’t see the child he created with the other lady. So screwed up kids all round.

Best to stay single if you want an open relationship I reckon especially if you were to bring children into the equation, too complicated.

I think it's unrealistic to just have one life partner. It's a shame it can't be more normal to check in with each other after x amount of years (15?) and see if they both still wanted to be together, and it was accepted that some will and some won't as a societal norm

I think I agree with your mum, this is a very sensible approach to marriage and relationships. I've always been really clear with DH that if I fall out of love with him or am very unhappy in our marriage then I will leave him. I suspect he disagrees with me and thinks I would give up too easily but I think he appreciates my honesty 🤷‍♀️😂

I don't think that monogomy is natural for humans and I think that many people tie themselves in knots trying to fight against their natural instincts. I think that dishonesty within a marriage is wrong though and I wish it was more culturally acceptable to say "look I don't want to be with you any more because I'm not happy or fulfilled in this relationship". If you do that then you are seen as the bad guy. If people felt more able to be honest about how they feel about their relationships then I think it would cause a lot less pain overall.

And I completely agree with this On MN sex is often seen as something done to women rather than something they actively participate in
It baffles me how many women seem to think that sex is a reward that you give to your partner for good behaviour

The desire to sleep with new exciting people is natural but so is the desire for your partner to only be with you. I think people need to chose which desire is stronger.

When we evolved our sexual behaviour sex led to babies so I don't think it's just a case of monogamy being unnatural and open being how we "should" be.

I'm not suppressing a desire for other sexual partners.

Now admittedly it works in theory, in my head. There are men I'd like to have sex with. But I have no interest in going out and getting it, if that makes sense?

I've got my husband right there. He's good in bed. Suits me.

People who choose to have open marriages/relationships are welcome to do so. The hurt with cheating comes from deceit and lying to your partner and the premise that one persons satisfaction is worth more than the other partners trust. That isn’t something that should be normalised IMO. Most couples will discuss what their red lines are and these are different from couple to couple. I don’t think society does pressure monogamy to the same extent it used to and even then it is usually in relation to maintaining stability and security for children therefore an open marriage is not usually broadcasted but is not judged badly I feel.
But I do think the majority of people prefer monogamy and so I don’t think it is unnatural. Sex is important but in most relationships it isn’t the most important thing - trust, respect, honesty and shared values usually outweigh the need for sexual gratification.

I think it's an interesting debate that you've started and I'm pleased and surprised to read the positive comments that you've received. I was flamed on here a few weeks ago* for admitting that I had a DP (as well as a DH) under the circumstances that my DH and I no longer have sex - as a woman who massively enjoys sex but also dearly loves her husband, I was basically informed that I should bin DH because what I was doing was reprehensible.
I love my DH, we have a great relationship but no sex - apparently this is not enough. Well, newsflash, it is for us. With a big BUT... I need a partner to have sex with and that's what I have.
(*name changed for this post)

Lord no! I have enough faff dealing with one DH let alone more!

I don't think there is much value in trying to identify the most "natural" behaviour in this case. "Natural" doesn't mean the best, the most ideal, and it doesn't take in to account our cultures and society. Just do what you want, trying to hurt others as little as possible, that's all you can do.

As for the blind eye to ONS thing, I've always thought that sounds good but you'd have to be living a very specific lifestyle and be an extremely outgoing person. When and where would you meet these people, how would you find the time? So many people on here (including myself) say they don't many/any friends and don't like answering the phone or getting texts, they aren't going to be able to find a ONS or enjoy it if they did. No matter how bored they are in their LTR.