How do I tell my mum I’m moving 45 minutes away?

[umwhyisthishappening]

I live in an expensive area so am currently renting a very small flat. I am now in a financial situation where I can afford to rent a house, but just outside of the area. We can’t buy and don’t want to move back home. We have a toddler.

I have wanted to move for months and today we found a place we love and we want to put down the deposit before it’s snapped up - but it’s 45 minutes away from my mum.

A couple of months ago I suggested moving she screamed in my face and then refused to talk to me - even though it was 15 minutes away. She wants me to live in the same town as her, but I definitely don’t want that.

This nee place is 45 minutes away and I am terrified of telling her, I know she is going to go mad.

But this is a three bedroom house with a large lounge and two bathrooms. In our price range! The area has amazing schools and the neighbourhood is gorgeous. I need to go for it - but how do I do this without causing a huge fallout?

And yes I have posted about my mum before - a big part of moving 45 mins away is to be further from her as currently we are in the neighbouring town.

Calm yourself down, go home and carry on with your plans. You are an adult.

I think your mother has done a number on you over the years.
You are probably in the FOG - fear obligation and guilt.
She seems very toxic. You would fair better seeking therapy and going no contact. She will actually “ fuck up your son”
You owe this woman NOTHING.
Hope your ok.

They sound horrific. And FWIW, 45 minutes is nothing. But if they're so nasty to you and think so little of you, why do they even want you closer.

Seriously, ignore them. Get on with your life with your beautiful family and don't give them a second thought. They haven't earned it.

They sound awful op. Not a scrap of emotional intelligence between them. Your new home sounds amazing. Now that you've told them, you can be excited about your move.

@umwhyisthishappening

I suggest writing all these incidents with your mum and step dad in a diary and re-reading it to give you strength that you don’t need to involve abusive people in your and your child’s lives. I would not let them near my child if that’s how they treat you.

Be strong now and if you can’t stand up for yourself, stand up for your son. Just because he has “grandparents” does not mean they are good people to have in his life.

Frankly, with a mum an SD like that, I’m surprised you didn’t move 45 hours away! It sounds as if you will be much better off with some distance between you. I’d use it as an opportunity to reduce contact with them.

Congratulations op.
Do not give them your new address.
You deserve treated with respect and to do your own thing. May you be very happy in your new home.
Tell them you are moving to stop your son being screwed up by them.
There has to be something wrong with them if they are like this. . Be kind to yourself.

@umwhyisthishappening

Went to see her and did it. Now shaking and crying in the car. My parents have never been so awful to me and my stepdad got right in my face and said I’m going to ‘fuck my son up’ by moving away from them

Oh my god. They sound like right pieces of shit!!!

Honestly try to let this be a turning point for you. This should only make you feel better about moving away from them. They sound terribly controlling and abusive.

Consider going low/no contact with them or at least highly managing your boundaries with them.

Where is written that you have to live in the same town as your mother? She’s being so unreasonable. Enjoy your new life! I live 45 mins from mine - it’s the perfect distance! She can’t just pop over all the time 😁

45 mins away is local.

With that reaction, I'd be looking to move much further.

Your mother is crazy, definitely figuratively, possibly literally.

45 minutes to grandmas house is living in the same area. It’s also the distance some people travel to work, school, or even to get to the shops.

If she is really unhappy, she can always follow you and move closer. Don’t suggest this.

Move fast and far. Your mother and stepfather are unhinged! You are a parent and make decisions best for your child - you don't need their permission. You child deserves you happier too - move and don't look back.

You cannot allow your life and your family's to be ruled by someone who screams in your face.

Snap this opportunity up; and tell her over the phone so you have the option to cut her off.

I do not know what is the matter with your poor mother - she sounds as though she has huge problems. But you have your life to lead, and honestly it really does not sound as though there is anything you can do to change her in any way, so your job is to focus on your little family. Move on and do not look back with guilt.

I hope very much that the move goes ahead for you all.

Sorry - missed the update. Move on - ignore the manipulation and enjoy your lives.

If I were you I'd move 45 hours away from her. She sounds aggressive and horrible.

45mins isn't even far.

As for screaming in your face? I wouldn't tolerate that behaviour from anyone and if anything would make me move even further.

Just seen your update... they both sound vile, get rid.

You and your son deserve happiness and it doesn't look as if that's something they provide.

Put the deposit down, OP!

What's done is done. So just dry your eyes and move forwards. You're heading for a wonderful new home and a great future.

For now until the move is over (at least), I'd reduce any contact with your mum and SD. I wouldn't call and I'd only answer half their phone calls/texts. You don't need them haranguing you and causing you grief.

FWIW, we moved 3 hours away from my folks (due to DH's job). They were sad but they understood it was the best decision for our family.

My lovely parents ended up selling their home and moving closer to us.

YANBU. You are an adult and have made the right decision. I hope you enjoy your new life in your new home. They sound like horrible people. Don't feel guilty!

I moved to a different country when I was early twenties for a few years. My parents used it as an excuse for extra holidays!
You need to break away from this op and don't let your mum be awful to your kids over this.
Hope the house move goes well.
Good time to reevaluate the future.

@umwhyisthishappening

Went to see her and did it. Now shaking and crying in the car. My parents have never been so awful to me and my stepdad got right in my face and said I’m going to ‘fuck my son up’ by moving away from them

So you've done the difficult bit. Now forget about them, go out first thing tomorrow and put down that deposit, start investigating schools and planning your move. Be ready to block your mother and stepfather, and any flying monkeys.

Your mum's behaviour is terrible... 45 minutes is nothing. It's pretty common these days for children to set up home some distance from their parents. If she acts like this putting some distance between you is a good thing!

We moved abroad 20 years ago... DH has just come back from a 26-hour round trip to see his mum for a week.

I'd be moving even further away if that's how she behaved towards me!

Phone her...
"Hi mum, just letting you know we've just found a gorgeous new house that's within our budget"
"Oh it's 45 minutes away but that's fine because we can still see you on the weekends and you can always come and stay"
End call