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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How do I tell my mum I’m moving 45 minutes away?

482 replies

umwhyisthishappening · 28/10/2021 18:31

I live in an expensive area so am currently renting a very small flat. I am now in a financial situation where I can afford to rent a house, but just outside of the area. We can’t buy and don’t want to move back home. We have a toddler.

I have wanted to move for months and today we found a place we love and we want to put down the deposit before it’s snapped up - but it’s 45 minutes away from my mum.

A couple of months ago I suggested moving she screamed in my face and then refused to talk to me - even though it was 15 minutes away. She wants me to live in the same town as her, but I definitely don’t want that.

This nee place is 45 minutes away and I am terrified of telling her, I know she is going to go mad.

But this is a three bedroom house with a large lounge and two bathrooms. In our price range! The area has amazing schools and the neighbourhood is gorgeous. I need to go for it - but how do I do this without causing a huge fallout?

And yes I have posted about my mum before - a big part of moving 45 mins away is to be further from her as currently we are in the neighbouring town.

OP posts:
GinIronic · 28/10/2021 21:03

I don’t understand why you told her in person despite the fact pp advised you not to - anyway it’s done now - so you can move away and enjoy your new house. Don’t let them know where you are. Safer not to.

Nottogetapenny · 28/10/2021 21:05

The house you are going for, seems perfect for you and your little family. So I hope you don’t miss out because of your parents attitude, which is totally out of order. My daughter lives 3 hours drive away, we see her every 2 weeks for a whole weekend! Alternating turns to travel! My daughter and family are so happy where they live, that is all I want for them, is to be happy.
Hope it works out for you!

TeeTotaller1 · 28/10/2021 21:05

Screaming in my face would give me MORE of a reason to move 45 miles away let alone 45 minutes

Blondeshavemorefun · 28/10/2021 21:05

Sorry she didn’t take well BUT SHE ISNT ALONE

HAS AN ARSEHOLE OF A PARTNER TO BE WITH HER

whoops hit caps but actually it’s better in caps

You have yourself and son to think of

He will have a garden and you a bigger home

NewlyGranny · 28/10/2021 21:07

I voted YABU because you don't need to tell her at all - until you've moved!

At that distance, you won't hear her scream.

kennycat · 28/10/2021 21:08

I get your predicament but seriously, 45 mins away? If I lived that close to my mum she'd be delighted. A 7 hour drive away is what we have between us. Your mum is lucky you've stayed so near so long.

uuiggg · 28/10/2021 21:08

My parents did that. They literally live in the most expensive part of the UK - and wanted us to live next door. We spent two years renting a tiny place with DC but have recently moved 1hr away into a three-bed house. Yes, my parents still tell me that it was my choice to move and take their granddaughter away. They also expect us to travel back to see them even though DC get travel sick. But what choice do you have. For us to have stayed near my parents, we would have to be millionaires, literally - like multimillionaires. My parents still think that by moving we have abandoned them. I did offer that they could sell their house, and literally buy any place in another part of town. But no - they love where they live and arent moving. So yes we cant just pop around and no longer see them three times a week. But what can you do. In our case - I cant afford Mayfair. I literally, cant afford it. It's not my fault. I wont be made to feel guilty. Sod them. Their loss

MareofBeasttown · 28/10/2021 21:11

I think you should introduce your mom to a few immigrants who will tell her how lucky she is that it is only 45 minutes.

catfunk · 28/10/2021 21:14

I'd be moving more than 45 mins away abs going NC if my parents ever spoke to me like that.
You're well rid.

NoWordForFluffy · 28/10/2021 21:14

@Spanielsarepainless

I live five hours from my mother. It's grim.
I live about 3.5 hours from mine. It's more than fine.
Unsure33 · 28/10/2021 21:23

This is so out of order . I am very close to my daughter and she moved an hour and half away and I don’t drive motorways . I was just sad , I still am , I miss her all the time , but NO way would I shout or tell her what to do . No way .

It’s cruel and disrespectful to you .

More fool them .

NCForNosies · 28/10/2021 21:28

When my mother was alive I moved 45 minutes away and, although she didn't complain, I felt awful. She had a partner but only really me to help with appointments, etc. She mentioned once that I wasn't close by and lived somewhere where if traffic hit, we'd be about 3 hours in gridlocked traffic (at best) and that she needn't bother me. It felt a bit like a guilt trip whether intentional or not so I put a lot of effort into visiting and calling her regardless.

After she passed away, we moved 2 and a half hours away. I know if she could see how happy my child is, even if she wasn't happy, she'd want it for my child.

Don't worry about your mother, your immediate family comes first and if she has their interests at heart, she will be fine. Hopefully in time, you can put her mind at rest that it's not the end of the world. If not, it'll say a lot about your DM Sad

WorkBitch · 28/10/2021 21:32

I think their reaction proves you’re doing the right thing for you & your son.

Chin up OP. Focus on the amazing news house you might get (fingers crossed) & how settled your little family will be there.

Don’t think about anything bad they’ve said. It shows much more about them than what you’ve planned.

NCForNosies · 28/10/2021 21:34

Just seen your update! I'm sorry it's gone that way for you. I found with those who say I've taken my child away are those who were never arsed making any effort to visit anyway.

In any case, looks like you've seen their true colours. Please don't apologise or change your mind, this is what an aggressive bully looks like. Those who love you do not do that.

AlwaysLatte · 28/10/2021 21:37

Screamed in your face??
Can't you make it 3 hours away instead?

oakleaffy · 28/10/2021 21:38

@umwhyisthishappening

Went to see her and did it. Now shaking and crying in the car. My parents have never been so awful to me and my stepdad got right in my face and said I’m going to ‘fuck my son up’ by moving away from them
That’s appalling @umwhyisthishappening That is desperately unreasonable of them to have done that. It’s not like you were emigrating to NZ or Australia I’m really sorry they are being so unfair about this.
jamandmarmalade · 28/10/2021 21:39

Which week do you actually make the move? I am only asking because she could do a lot of damage and you should be prepared for any future outbursts before you make the move.

I wouldn't have told her until after the move. If at all.

Given her history you could get a restraining order for your mum and stepdad from your new address.

Dreamstate · 28/10/2021 21:39

Your an adult and dont need her permission. Just move. If she can't deal with it that's on her and you have nothing to feel bad about.

fuckyourpronouns · 28/10/2021 21:40

Well done for telling them @umwhyisthishappening Im sorry they were such arseholes to you. Hopefully things will calm down a bit in time.

If you start to feel that you've made the wrong decision, just remember the reason that you made it in the first place. And also consider that you will probably want to make the same decision again in the future which will no doubt prompt the same reaction. You've done the hard bit now so stick with it.

In a month or so you are going to be in your lovely new house. 45 mins away isn't that far and actually it's a pretty decent distance. Easy enough drive to get home if needed without worrying about the kids.

They will sulk and moan for a while. Let them get on with it. And you know what, I kind of understand that maybe they're just really disappointed that you're not going to be around the corner. But they shouldn't be reacting like that to you. Tell them to give you a call when they can be happy for you. Miserable fuckers.

Chocolatewheatos · 28/10/2021 21:41

Don't? Just move. Never mention it.

MargaretThursday · 28/10/2021 21:42

By the sound of it 45 minutes isn't far enough. Have you considered Australia? Wink

Dreamstate · 28/10/2021 21:42

Oh just seen the update after I posted.

Good for you. Fuck em and limit your exposure to them, sound like awful toxic people.

I never get those parents you think they still get a say when their children are adults. My sister mil is like this doesn't want them to move more than 5 miles away. Like who does she think she is dictating their lives.

FangsForTheMemory · 28/10/2021 21:43

Goodness. I think this is the best thing possible for your son, in the circumstances. Well done on being brave. Now you only have to stick to it.

TeeTotaller1 · 28/10/2021 21:44

Sorry that you had to experience that from your arsehole of a Step Father, he's probably raging at you because your 'Darling' Mother is now going to take it out on him

I'd have done it via text personally but it's done now

After that little scenario and you feeling the way that you do I'd be going NC for a while...possibly forever, no one needs to put up with rubbish

Inanun2 · 28/10/2021 21:44

You do what’s right for you, I live 300 & 500 miles from parents and ILs we do have to organise visits but it has always worked. In fact when we see each other we stay for 3/4 nights 24/7 which is much longer than a few hours twice a week if we lived closer..