How do I tell my mum I’m moving 45 minutes away?

[umwhyisthishappening]

I live in an expensive area so am currently renting a very small flat. I am now in a financial situation where I can afford to rent a house, but just outside of the area. We can’t buy and don’t want to move back home. We have a toddler.

I have wanted to move for months and today we found a place we love and we want to put down the deposit before it’s snapped up - but it’s 45 minutes away from my mum.

A couple of months ago I suggested moving she screamed in my face and then refused to talk to me - even though it was 15 minutes away. She wants me to live in the same town as her, but I definitely don’t want that.

This nee place is 45 minutes away and I am terrified of telling her, I know she is going to go mad.

But this is a three bedroom house with a large lounge and two bathrooms. In our price range! The area has amazing schools and the neighbourhood is gorgeous. I need to go for it - but how do I do this without causing a huge fallout?

And yes I have posted about my mum before - a big part of moving 45 mins away is to be further from her as currently we are in the neighbouring town.

Tell her by letter, email or text. Let her have her tantrum in your ABSENCE.

@umwhyisthishappening

Went to see her and did it. Now shaking and crying in the car. My parents have never been so awful to me and my stepdad got right in my face and said I’m going to ‘fuck my son up’ by moving away from them

Oh my God they sound like absolute psychos. You definitely need to get away from them. Go, and don’t look back.

I'd arrange it all then ring her to let her know the night before. If she shouts just put the phone down and ring again a week later.

YANBU.

I would work hard on putting up protective barriers. No-one who treats you this way deserves to be in your life. They're lucky you continue to see them, and the brutal truth is that if they behave like this, the less your son sees of their tantrums and bullying behaviour, the better. Exposure to dysfunctional family dynamics like this is what might actually mess up his perception of what's good, normal, and right.

It is very very difficult but don't play into her drama. As others have said leave it to the last minute possible and then share that you are moving. From the sounds of it nothing you can say will justify you moving to her so dont enter into the drama. Explain you are moving,.its a dine deal and then refuse to discuss if she is negative. Dont pander to her wanting to argue or get upset. What I am saying is easy to say, far harder to do, but for your own sanity and to take back control, dont react to her behaviours. You don't need her permission, you don't need her to see it her way, you just need to move.

Having seen their reaction, your only thought she be what a shame the house isn't farther away.

Your mother and stepfather are toxic. They are the problem, not you. Take a huge step back from them going forward.

I’m so sorry you have been subjected to this.

The whole point of being a parent is to prepare your child to live independently, not to stifle them and curb their dreams. Your mother sounds totally selfish. It sounds like a bit of distance can only benefit you.

45 miles is absolutely nothing. She’s just being a drama Queen. Personally, I would distance myself a bit from her.

Best wishes for your new life in your new home.

First you move
THEN you tell her

Then go low contact with her if she keeps acting in this lunatic matter.

Well their reaction has absolutely cemented the fact you're making the right decision

Why on earth would you want your little boy influenced by being around such nasty people?!

Really hope you get the house OP, and the distance you clearly need

@umwhyisthishappening

Went to see her and did it. Now shaking and crying in the car. My parents have never been so awful to me and my stepdad got right in my face and said I’m going to ‘fuck my son up’ by moving away from them

I’m sorry OP, I don’t think 45 mins is far enough away. If you don’t have ties to schools etc yet, can you move further?

There’s a much higher risk you’ll “fuck your son up” by being too involved with them, and allowing them to be a toxic influence on his life, like they are on yours.

@umwhyisthishappening

Went to see her and did it. Now shaking and crying in the car. My parents have never been so awful to me and my stepdad got right in my face and said I’m going to ‘fuck my son up’ by moving away from them

Well, now you know you have definitely done the right thing. Please don’t back down now OP. If they think that they can tell you what you are allowed to do, you will always be bullied by them. Your ds is far more likely to be ‘fucked up’ if you stay where you are. I also think that you should go low contact with them until they apologise for their behaviour!

Do it! Live your life, not hers.
45 minutes away isn’t even that far!

I'd think about moving further

@umwhyisthishappening

Went to see her and did it. Now shaking and crying in the car. My parents have never been so awful to me and my stepdad got right in my face and said I’m going to ‘fuck my son up’ by moving away from them

Giving your kids space to escape from these people sounds like the best present you could give them. At least you've had practice for your toddler having tantrums because you're already dealing with tantrums!

You're doing what's right for you, your kids, your whole family, for the low low cost of your parents "not liking it". Bargain.

It takes me 45 to drive across the city I live in! Leave and don’t look back. I would say that not exposing your son to their toxic behaviour on a regular basis will have the opposite effect that what your step-father predicts. You should join the stately homes threads op. This will be a fresh start for you all

Telling her is what you have to do, no two ways about it. It doesn't matter how she reacts, as you are still going to move. I am sure she will recover from her upsets later.

They sound toxic; you don’t necessarily need to give them your new address

If she is screaming in your face, she is certainly not caring about your feelings.
Move (or anything you want to do), distance yourself & go no contact for a while. If & when you initiate contact, set some ground rules (no shouting, emotional blackmail etc) & every time she transgresses you go no contact again.
It will seem difficult at first but will get easier each time & she will soon learn healthy boundaries.

You definitely need to be further away than you are at present.
No loving parent does this, you want what is best for your children and your grandchildren. You nurture not punish.

It sounds as though your mother's parenting skills are quite off centre to say the least.

I'm glad you are putting your son first. It's so important. And you aren't moving to the other side of the country. You are relatively close still. 45 mins isn't far, but it's far enough not to be living in each other's pockets.

Well done for protecting your son and giving him the best start. Once you've moved and settled you can start to rebuild bridges should you want to, but set yourself firm boundaries. Your mum and step dad don't sound healthy.

In fact their response is crazy!

Thank you everyone for the support. The funniest thing is that my sister moved 35 minutes away a few weeks back... they were supportive and didn’t blink an eyelid.

Well done on telling them. I would great some distance now. This isn't healthy reaction by either of them. Do you think they feel more "ownership" over you / your DS than your sister and her family? Would do you both good to have more time apart.

Christ. 45 minutes away is still way too close to her IMO. Other end of the country would be preferable.

Wow! Your mum is awful...I simply can't understand that reaction OP. Protect yourself and your son, always ♥️

(And 45 minutes is close in my world...almost neighbours! I'd be genuinely thrilled if my children were 45 minutes away from me!! One is 5 hours and the other is overseas...your mum should be overjoyed 🤷‍♀️)